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Post by cropduster on Jul 16, 2015 0:57:37 GMT
I started a job nearly 6 months ago. I love it where I work and all the employees get along for the most part. In fact I would say we are almost like family. One of my co-workers, however, seems to be giving me the cold shoulder.
She recently came back from a leave of absence. She recently lost her DD to tragedy. I think going through this journey with her is what has made this group of people so close. We seemed to hit it off right away. She has been back for the last week and a half and has said maybe two words to me. She speaks warmly to my co-workers and when I try to engage her in conversation she either ignores me or keeps her answers very short. I have given her the benefit of the doubt that she is adjusting to coming back to work plus grieving for her DD. After asking her to help me with a task and asking about a trip she took and her giving me the brush off, I have chosen to give her wide berth and pretty much have nothing to do with her for now.
I would love to ask her point blank if I did anything to make her mad. I have been racking my brain to figure out what it could be that has caused this rift. I want to ask some of my coworkers their thoughts, but on the other hand I don't want to cause any drama. Plus I don't want this to be all about me, but I hate this feeling of being uncomfortable around people I work with.
WWTPD? Continue giving her her space and ignoring her or should I clear the air with her? TIA.
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Post by baslp on Jul 16, 2015 1:10:29 GMT
I would just be polite when I would have to interact with her. Someone once told me a good thing to remember -- Do not assign meaning to someone's reaction. One does not know all that is going on with him or her. I try to remember this when I want to take something personally.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 16, 2015 1:12:13 GMT
She lost a child? recently?
Give her as much space as she needs, and don't worry about it.
We all grieve differently, I am sure the last thing she needs is to be confronted by you.
I also would not ignore her. Be kind. But follow her lead.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 16, 2015 1:12:40 GMT
This same thing happened to us at work. One of my co-workers dad's died. There was no funeral. We all sent cards, and gave her hugs, and she took time off work. we all worked around what she had going on. In the summer the family had a celebration of life ceremony and burial, and we were told about it, but we really all thought it was a family deal. No one went. This totally devastated her. She felt slighted, and unliked. She hung on to this for a LONG time, until one day she had a huge blow out with our boss, and she told the boss then how she felt. She was especially mad that "not even her boss showed up". So could it be something similar to that?
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 16, 2015 1:14:03 GMT
Do you have a dd or could you represent something wither from her daughter's death or remind her of when...
It may be that you said something that hurt her feelings. As you can read here, different people take different words differently. (Yeah not eloquent, but true)
Give her another week or two and then ask.
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Post by cropduster on Jul 16, 2015 1:16:23 GMT
I would just be polite when I would have to interact with her. Someone once told me a good thing to remember -- Do not assign meaning to someone's reaction. One does not know all that is going on with him or her. I try to remember this when I want to take something personally. This is what I have been doing. I know for a fact she has been through hell and back. It's just when I see how she interacts with the others compared to me that I get concerned that I did or said something to make her upset. I probably am looking too much into it. Thanks for your reply baslp! |
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Post by cropduster on Jul 16, 2015 1:24:13 GMT
Thank you for all of your replies, Peas! Like I said, I have been so concerned that I may have said or did something at the funeral to make her upset. I would be mortified! And I know people grieve differently. I'm trying not to make it about me and that's why I haven't said anything to anyone I work with or may have any ties to her. I have been polite and have decided to let her take the lead. I guess that is what I mean by giving her wide berth.
Hopefully things will work out in the next week or so.
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Post by annabella on Jul 16, 2015 2:11:57 GMT
My guess is you failed to do something that the others did, a card, a meal, who knows. Either way just ignore it and continue to be polite.
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Post by CarolT on Jul 16, 2015 3:29:30 GMT
You didn't say how long ago her daughter passed away - but you did say that you've been there about 6 months. In my department, the most recent hire has been there about 8 months, and I'm the "next newest" - I transferred in 3 years ago. Is it possible that since you are still fairly new to the group, and she's been on leave after such a horrible loss that her relationship with you is simply different that the relationship she has with the other people in your group?
Did you start shortly before her daughter passed - is there any chance she associates your arrival with the loss of her daughter?
I would continue to be kind and friendly to her but give her space and try to make things as easy as possible for her. I absolutely wouldn't try to "clear the air" - just let her be.
When my dad passed away, someone in my department said a couple of things that offended me slightly - nothing major and nothing I wanted to address with her. But, it was a little hurtful and I admit I held a bit of a grudge (but I don't think I was ever rude to her). She is a nice person and wouldn't intentionally hurt my feelings - I am absolutely certain she was completely unaware of what she said.
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Jul 16, 2015 3:40:44 GMT
Annabella has already said what I was thinking. Did you send a card to her home? Did your co-workers attend her DD's funeral? Some people are super sensitive about those sorts of things.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 16, 2015 9:48:41 GMT
I would just be polite when I would have to interact with her. Someone once told me a good thing to remember -- Do not assign meaning to someone's reaction. One does not know all that is going on with him or her. I try to remember this when I want to take something personally. This, all the way. She might be just barely holding it together inside. Her "being cold" might just be her using all her energy not to sob in front of you. Don't take it personally. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 10:53:56 GMT
I have given her the benefit of the doubt that she is adjusting to coming back to work plus grieving for her DD. After asking her to help me with a task and asking about a trip she took and her giving me the brush off, I have chosen to give her wide berth and pretty much have nothing to do with her for now. WWTPD? Continue giving her her space and ignoring her or should I clear the air with her? TIA. Don't ignore her but I also wouldn't bring it up with her either. You say that all you've done is asked her to help you with a task and asking about a trip she took. This may sound harsh but I don't mean it to be harsh to you personally but to her it would come across that you are ignoring her inner pain. Maybe next time when you ask her to help with a task or you're at the coffee machine together or anywhere really,just the two of you, you could ask how she's coping/ it must have been difficult to return to work etc. ".Give her an outlet to speak but use the right words. Don't ask " How are you ?" because that would make her feel like saying " How do you think I am, you idiot" Lots of people don't know what to say when someone faces a devastating loss and they avoid mentioning anything about it. But it comes over, to the people that are grieving, as uncaring. Which more often than not, isn't really the case. |
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Post by hop2 on Jul 16, 2015 10:57:02 GMT
I would just be polite when I would have to interact with her. Someone once told me a good thing to remember -- Do not assign meaning to someone's reaction. One does not know all that is going on with him or her. I try to remember this when I want to take something personally. This And it's hard, something I struggle with personally daily is not assigning motives to other people's actions. |
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Post by cropduster on Jul 16, 2015 10:59:53 GMT
My guess is you failed to do something that the others did, a card, a meal, who knows. Either way just ignore it and continue to be polite. We all went in together to get her a nice bench to put in her flower garden and I gave money in a memorial to help pay for expenses. We all attended the funeral and luncheon together. I feel like I did everything one should do at a time like this. I took her aside at the luncheon to tell her something that reminded me of her and how I admired her strength and faith at a time like this. (And I meant it.)She seemed to really appreciate it and gave me a big hug. Like I said, we seemed to hit it off right away. That is why I am so stumped at what it is I did that offended her. I will continue to give her the benefit of the doubt and give her her space and be polite. My heart really does ache for her and I'm sure inside she is barely holding it together. Hopefully with time it will get better. Thanks again for the replies Peas. |
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purplebee
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Post by purplebee on Jul 16, 2015 12:42:58 GMT
You never know what is going on inside a person's mind after a tragedy. It does sound like she is slighting you compared with your coworkers, but it also sounds like you did everything you could for her during the loss of her daughter, same as the other employees.
Unless her interaction with you, or lack of it, affects your work, I think I would try to let it go for a while. I know it will be difficult, a situation like this would drive me crazy and I would want to get to the bottom of it. Good luck....
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 16, 2015 12:46:59 GMT
I don't have a lot of patience for this kind of behaviour. Yes, she is grieving an incredible loss and yes, she's not going to be back to her normal self and yes, it's going to be difficult to get back into the swing of things. However, there is a certain amount of professional curtesy that needs to be maintained and when it's not, particularly towards a select target that is just unacceptable.
I would just keep your distance, acknowledge her in a professional manner and when the job requires it but otherwise keep to yourself. She's obviously not interested in being part of the professional team, so just deal with her as you have to for work and nothing more.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 12:50:41 GMT
you've only been there 6 months and during that time she has had a major life tragedy
give her space and be nice
what is it that you are ultimately seeking? her approval?
at the moment she's showing you she doesn't feel like being your pal
one of the most common errors of thinking:
Personalization
As much as we like to think we don’t think the world revolves around us, it’s often easy to personalize everything. If someone doesn’t call back, you might think, “She must be mad at me,” or if a co-worker is grumpy, you might assume, “He doesn’t like me.”
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 16, 2015 12:57:16 GMT
She lost a child? recently? Give her as much space as she needs, and don't worry about it. We all grieve differently, I am sure the last thing she needs is to be confronted by you. I also would not ignore her. Be kind. But follow her lead. I think this is excellent advice. |
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back to *pea*ality
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 16, 2015 18:40:39 GMT
It has nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally and don't make assumptions. I know this is easier said than done but there is no reason for you to wrack your brain looking for something that isn't there as far as you doing something wrong.
Right now, I am trying to follow my own advice. I am in an office with only my employer. He is a difficult person and I think cognitive changes due to the aging process have only magnified this to the point where the work environment has become hostile. I am doing my best to deal with it but have come to the conclusion that I should look for another opportunity. It is a shame because I really like what I do and I know he has come to rely on me but the constant stress of trying to diffuse the tension is taking its toll on me.
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Post by nlwilkins on Jul 16, 2015 22:34:59 GMT
I guess I am not like the rest. It would drive me crazy thinking that I hurt someone and would have to do some kind of apologizing.
I would send an email or leave an envelope with a note card in it. It would contain the message that somehow I have upset the lady and that I was so sorry cause that was the last thing I would have wanted to do. It would let her know that it was never my intention to add to her sorrow. But, I would also let her know it was up to her if she wanted to talk about it. THEN I would leave it up to her and be polite but no more. I would not impose my presence on her unless it was work related. BUT I would be sure to not let it affect my job or my professional demeanor.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 16, 2015 22:47:36 GMT
My dd lost a child. She is very easily offended by unexpected things. I cannot say the situation will be the same for your Co worker, but my dd would be glad to be asked, " have I done something to offend you?". She would not tell you without being asked.
Consider asking. No notes or cards, though.
If you have not lost a child, you cannot understand.
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Post by cropduster on Jul 17, 2015 23:06:29 GMT
My dd lost a child. She is very easily offended by unexpected things. I cannot say the situation will be the same for your Co worker, but my dd would be glad to be asked, " have I done something to offend you?". She would not tell you without being asked. Consider asking. No notes or cards, though. If you have not lost a child, you cannot understand. [br The subject came up with a different coworker today. This coworker said something to her the other day and she could tell that she was upset. So she asked her point blank what it was. Apparently the coworker that lost her dd took it completely the wrong way. They cleared the air and were okay after that. Another coworker had it happen to her too. So I think that what you are saying is so true elaynef. So sorry for your and your dd's loss. (((Hugs))) I think if she is still giving me the brush off next week, I will probably take her aside and have a talk. But then again I might not. We will see. Thank you for all the replies Peas! |
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Post by SabrinaM on Jul 18, 2015 0:59:21 GMT
I wouldn't approach her about it at all. I can imagine she's doing well to just make it out of bed every day.
Don't make it about you.
Extend the compassion she needs. I'm sure she's struggling to just find a new normal right now. Worrying that she's offending people by not worrying about their feelings isn't something she needs right now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2015 1:06:33 GMT
You don't say how long your other colleagues have been there, but you haven't been there very long. Even if you hit it off well before this tragedy, you still only know each other so well after a few months. Maybe she just doesn't quite yet feel comfortable being that vulnerable with you. If she has more history with the other employees, I can see why she'd be more open with them.
Try not to take it personally. It doesn't sound as though she's being rude, just distant. I'd leave it alone.
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kate
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Post by kate on Jul 18, 2015 4:36:31 GMT
What a difficult situation! I would give it a little time, and if it doesn't resolve itself, you could approach her. I would just make a statement - something like, "I hope I haven't done something to hurt or offend you. If I have, please know that it's the last thing I'd want to do, and I sincerely apologize. I'm available any time if you want to talk." Don't ask anything of her - she may not have it in her to have an air-clearing conversation right now. By not mentioning that you have felt her cold shoulder, you avoid "accusing" her of anything, and it keeps the focus on reconciliation. I have had people say similar things to me before. I'm really terrible at staying in touch with people - even people I deeply care about - and some people have taken it to mean they did something to hurt me.  I'm always glad to have the opportunity to explain. |
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Post by cropduster on Jul 18, 2015 11:03:38 GMT
What a difficult situation! I would give it a little time, and if it doesn't resolve itself, you could approach her. I would just make a statement - something like, "I hope I haven't done something to hurt or offend you. If I have, please know that it's the last thing I'd want to do, and I sincerely apologize. I'm available any time if you want to talk." Don't ask anything of her - she may not have it in her to have an air-clearing conversation right now. By not mentioning that you have felt her cold shoulder, you avoid "accusing" her of anything, and it keeps the focus on reconciliation. I have had people say similar things to me before. I'm really terrible at staying in touch with people - even people I deeply care about - and some people have taken it to mean they did something to hurt me. I'm always glad to have the opportunity to explain. That is how I plan on approaching her if I feel the time is right. I know she is hurting terribly now and do not want to sound accusatory. I will see how it goes in the next week or so. Thank you! |
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I'm always glad to have the opportunity to explain.