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Post by melodyesch on Jul 17, 2015 12:43:35 GMT
Like a previous poster said, when your oldest gets a driver's license, it WILL get a easier. You can send him/her to the store, to drop off other kids, etc. And I don't have kids, but why oh why do you have to watch every single ballgame? My Mom always watched our games because she loved sports. She truly did. But some Moms would watch an inning or two and then went out to the coffee shop for a while. Could you do that? Maybe not every game, but some of the time? Your child chose the sports and while it's important to support them, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having some alone time. Every game is not the freaking world series. Nobody ever thought less of the Moms who took a little time off.
I am really enjoying my 40s. DH and I have great jobs that are putting us on a good plan for an eventual comfortable retirement. We travel as much as time/money allows and we have just an easy life. True, it does take a bit for my body to agree to get up in the morning and get stretched out. And I do always have a slight worry in the back of my mind about job loss or some other kink in our plans. I guess my only real hard struggle is with my weight. And that's of my own doing and I'm the only one who can set it to rights. I'm working on it.
Also, because of where you are in your life right now, your 50's are going to ROCK.
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Post by tallgirl on Jul 17, 2015 13:05:04 GMT
I loved my 40's. I had a good job, had my third child aged 41 and although he was diagnosed on the Autism spectrum and my marriage failed, I felt good about myself and was at my healthiest and fittest. I had great self esteem. This isn't meant as a hand slap at all, but sometimes you have to look at what is GOOD in your life, no matter what your age. I am facing my second cancer and don't know what the future holds. I am 55 and my youngest is only 13 and is likely to be dependant on me for quite some time. His dad is pretty useless as a parent and I am terrified I won't be around to give my youngest the support he needs- and that he will then burden my lovely daughter. There has to be a way for you ladies to come to terms with the changes that are inevitable as you get older and to try to introduce something into your life that gives you some joy. You can get older or you can die young. Sorry to be so negative, please forgive me as I am in quite a dark place at the moment. This is a great reminder. Sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. When I was in my 20s I always thought I was too fat. Now I look at pictures of myself from then and can't believe I was ever so hard on myself, and would gladly go back there again! Sometimes I feel like life these days is a nonstop carousel of work and responsibility and obligations. Then I remember the good things, the funny or sweet things my kids say or do, the time I enjoy spending outdoors in the garden or running or just hanging out in the backyard, the fun trips we take... And I am grateful for my life. I should be grateful for it every day. Life isn't perfect, but it's beautiful. Best wishes for your health, uksue. |
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828 
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 17, 2015 13:11:43 GMT
I haven't hated any decade. they each had their own challenges and pleasures. The confidence that comes with age is worth giving up being young and "hot". Mostly the confidence to not care if someone thinks I'm hot or not. I know my value and no longer need outside validation to find it. That's the best part of aging. Here, here. |
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 17, 2015 13:23:32 GMT
My 40's were a challenging time, health problems requiring surgeries, marital problems requiring counseling, problem with parent that required reconciliation - it was physically and emotionally exhausting. I was burned out trying to take care of everyone's needs at the expense of neglecting my own.
By the time I turned 50 there was a sea change within me. Don't get me wrong, there are still challenges but now I don't give them power over me that I used to. There is something about your 50's that is empowering.
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Jul 17, 2015 13:31:09 GMT
I was supposed to go on a cruise for my 40th birthday, but instead, I was filing divorce papers. Needless to say, my 40's haven't gone as planned so far, but I'm only 42, so there is plenty of time for the 40's to turn around.
I have the best kid in the world, and we are much less stressed than we were before. Financially, the divorce set me back a good bit - lost an income without really losing any expenses, but that seems to be tracking in the right direction.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Jul 17, 2015 14:21:08 GMT
sometimes you have to look at what is GOOD in your life, no matter what your age.
and
I don't see age as being responsible for how I feel or if my life is good or bad.
^^^ both VERY good points!
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Dalai Mama
Drama Llama
La Pea Boheme
Posts: 6,985
Jun 26, 2014 0:31:31 GMT
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Post by Dalai Mama on Jul 17, 2015 14:37:09 GMT
OP, maybe it's time to find something for yourself and to learn to say, 'enough'. I find that many moms (and dads) are so wrapped up in their children's lives that they forget that they need to make themselves a priority every once in a while.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 17, 2015 16:10:34 GMT
My kids were in a lot of activities, and I dislike sports as well. There is nothing wrong with not attending every game or bringing a book with when you do. My parents loved and supported me, yet they did not attend every single thing I did. This ^^^ and ... why oh why do you have to watch every single ballgame? My Mom always watched our games because she loved sports. She truly did. But some Moms would watch an inning or two and then went out to the coffee shop for a while. Could you do that? Maybe not every game, but some of the time? Your child chose the sports and while it's important to support them, I don't think there's anything wrong with you having some alone time. Every game is not the freaking world series. Nobody ever thought less of the Moms who took a little time off. This. ^^^ I know you mentioned down thread that you would be looked down on by the other parents if you skipped a game, but the question then becomes why do you CARE? You are giving these other people far too much power over your life and your happiness. I bet over time they would get over it, and if they don't then they're really not your friends anyway so again, why care? I didn't participate in any organized extracurriculars until I was in high school. Why? Because we didn't have the money and because with other kids in the house my mom couldn't get me there (she was widowed at 50). And when I did choose a sport in high school (as in, ONE), it was on me to get myself either home (walking 1.5+ miles) or to my part time job and then home from there. I had to really want it, and I did. I would guess that my mom came to maybe one or two of my meets in four years of being in gymnastics. Not only did I NOT care, I actually was less self conscious and could focus on what I was there to do because she wasn't there watching. Not every kid needs their own private cheering section and I was one of them. Maybe I should get in line right now for the Bad Mommy Award because I refuse to subscribe to the theory that my kid needs to be involved in a bunch of different things to be happy and successful in life. I'm all for giving some opportunities, but I also believe that the kid has to want it at least as much or more than I do, and they should be willing to put in something extra of their own to make it happen and to appreciate the experience. |
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River
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,515
Location: Alabama
Jun 26, 2014 15:26:04 GMT
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Post by River on Jul 17, 2015 16:28:12 GMT
I'm glad to know there's a pretty long bench for me to sit on. Life just seems to be exhausting right now. I went through health hell one month after turning 40. Now at 42, I'm thankfully on the other side of that and can certainly appreciate life. I'm constantly told that if you go through a life threatening illness and beat it, you should enjoy each day you are given after that. I guess my brain hasn't latched onto that theory yet. My body still feels so worn and tired, my mind seems half shot, great friends are gone, a job change on top of that and I don't seem to fit in.
My boys are my bright spot though and I'm holding strong to that light. They will see me through the rest of my 40's!
Thanks for this post! It's nice to have a pity party every now and then and know that we are not alone.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 17, 2015 16:47:17 GMT
My 40's sucked.
I have great children
I live in a great house
I live in a great town
I have wonderful friends
I have a job that I love.
I'm not going to actually say what sucked. I'm working on changing that without loosing #1&3. 4&5 arent going to change and #2 I'll live without. But it takes time and it's hard.
But my 40's are also wonderful in so many other ways and I'll choose to savor the wonderful than wallow in the sucky.
If there's an issue you don't like in your life take steps ( even baby ones ) to change it. I lost a lot at 39, it sent me for a loop. One devastating occurance after another. I had depression because of all of it. I wallowed for the first several years into my 40's I listened to people who told me things that tore me down. I had zero self esteem and zero confidence. I literally had nothing if my iwn or of myself. It's been 6 long hard years for me to get this far, so I do understand it takes time and can be discouraging. Sometimes it's hard to see any progress at all. It's easy to loose confidence again, you have to learn how to ignore what tears you down and how to build your self up. Vent about it, then take a look at your situation and see where you can make small changes to move you in the right direction. I had a lot of doora slammed in my face and I had to change directions a couple of times but slowly but surely in small steps (sometimes very small ) I made progress. Several people told me if never do it, I learned to ignore them. I learned when other year me down that I had to boils myself back up. I learned pretty quickly who helped me to do that and who didn't. I'm not where I started out to be, but I'm comfortable with where I am. I like ME! I had another very devastating event last fall I haven't allowed it to send me I to a downward spiral like last time. It wasn't easy, I still have some things/people who would prefer to tear me down, but I worked hard to have a positive support system in place and I'm serving and I haven't lost my self esteem or confidence. I'm at the point now where I can fix everything I just have to choose if I'm ready to loose some things to do it.
Do not let anyone else keep you down, you can do it!
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Post by lisacharlotte on Jul 17, 2015 16:52:15 GMT
I was the hot or not comment. The thing is, it's not about me now being a slob and not caring how I look. I still like cute clothes and I'm still 40lbs over my hot 20's weight. However I refuse to let the opinions of others determine my value. You only get one life and it moves faster and faster after 40. How you choose to spend that time is up to you. I choose to get the most out of what time I have left and to enjoy as much as possible. It's better than the alternative. UKSue had the right of it.
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Post by jenis40 on Jul 17, 2015 17:34:42 GMT
Well my 40's started off pretty sucky as I was diagnosed with cancer a month after my 40th birthday. I've spent the last two years fighting the disease and right now getting around the grocery store is a major win for me. I no longer have the wonderful job I had and my DH is worn out caring for me and working full time. However my insurance was excellent and I have long term disability so it could be much worse. While I mourn for my old life, I still have some optimism that life will get better each day as I slowly recover.
One thing I see on this board frequently is posts where the parents lives revolve around the kids schedule. I have no kids of my own so you can completely dismiss my opinion. But what I see is parents who run themselves ragged trying to make sure little Johnny and Susie have every opportunity but ignore their own needs in the process. How does that teach them to have a healthy work/life balance when they grow up if they don't see their parents have one?
I think about this a lot as I imagine that my life and my DH's would be so much harder right now if we had kids. I have a lot of admiration for you mom's that take care of everything.
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Post by maryland on Jul 17, 2015 17:43:42 GMT
I just found my 30s easy compared to 40s. My kids were babies/toddlers/early elem. when I was in my 30s. It was so easy raising them at that age. They thought I was the smartest person around, and any idea I had was fun. They were helpful and sweet! Then in my 40s things got so busy. Always running here and there, house is always a mess (and I am a sahm! I don't know how working parents do it!). I do love going to their sporting events when they are "home". Also, we had more money in the 30s (now it all goes to kids activities, which they love). I am not the smartest person anymore, but the biggest idiot my kids would say!!
But even though it's crazy and we are "poor" (poorer in a couple months when our 17 yr. old goes to an $$$$$ out of state college), I still love all the chaos involved with having kids. IF they would only be less messy and stinky  (is that possible for teen girls??) things would be pretty great!
My friends (also in 40s) joke that we always read blogs with parenting/organizing, etc. blogs. All the bloggers we follow all have young kids. I guess by the time you get teens, you are too busy to do anything and give up on blogging. We would love some similar blogs but with parents of teens, and how they keep it together. My teens are good kids, but messy. |
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 17, 2015 18:38:01 GMT
OP, maybe it's time to find something for yourself and to learn to say, 'enough'. I find that many moms (and dads) are so wrapped up in their children's lives that they forget that they need to make themselves a priority every once in a while. I was about to type the same thing. So, what she said. |
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shawallapea
Full Member
Posts: 108
Jun 28, 2014 21:28:33 GMT
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Post by shawallapea on Jul 17, 2015 19:10:42 GMT
I just turned 43. I have a love/hate relationship with this decade so far. I am so much more confident and wise than I was at 20 and 30 so I wouldn't go back but I do miss a few things ...
1) My hair and figure, hair is thinning, figure is blossoming and not in good ways.
2) My boys being little ... I miss this chubby fingers, curious questions and love and cuddles. Now we're in the teen years of driving, sports, jobs and getting ready for college. Still a blessing but I miss my little ones.
3) My parents. My mom had four strokes within a month last year and now I am her caregiving and part time parent so to speak. She has always been my best friend and now in many ways she's already gone. My dad is her other caregiver and is not in the frame of mind to be my "dad" most of the time. I really miss the days where they were healthy, vibrant and independent.
I am glad that I'm less sensitive to what others think now. It was an awful lot of work to care so much about things that I now realize no one cared about lol.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,708
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 17, 2015 19:11:27 GMT
My 40's started with sad & good & the very bad.
Now that I am in my 50's, life has balanced out.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jul 17, 2015 19:42:11 GMT
I'm not quite 40 (but 36, so almost there) and I am starting to feel the burdens of age. I have aches and pains in a lot of places that shouldn't be giving out so soon. I can't lose weight to save my life. I have battled depression and feel like I'm on the upper end of dealing with it, but I'm scared that I can fall back into it at any moment. My kids are still youngerish, but it seems like all I do is shuttle them from one activity to another or I'm cleaning the house. This year, DD#2 starts first grade, so DH expects me to go back to work immediately (not sure if I'm ready for that, or even what I want to do... going back to school is on my mind, but at almost 40, is that realistic?).
I think all of the future unknowns are what are boggling me the most right now. I have noticed that I'm very restless at home. I don't know who I am or what I should be doing with my life and I feel that at my age, I should know all of that. I think the age I am now, is much better mentally than my younger years... we don't go out drinking at bars anymore, own a home, vehicles and have a more stable homelife. But I still feel like I'm not where I belong. I hope I figure it out soon and I get to enjoy that stage (wherever it is!). I keep thinking how different my life will be with the kids in a few years (driving, off to college, etc). and to me the future doesn't seem any better than what I'm dealing with now, just bigger/different obstacles! I keep thinking, I want to enjoy some point of my life, like really enjoy it, and I can't forsee even when that will or could happen. Don't get me wrong. Being a SAHM with my girls is good. I love doing stuff with them and being here for them, and if life was a lifelong summer, I would probably enjoy it even more. But school is about to start back up and I so dread that. I like having them here with me all the time during the day... sure they get on my nerves sometimes and make bigger messes than I really want to clean up, but I love the unstructured days and leisure time that comes along with summer. Maybe I was born to be a hippy?! LOL
Sending good thoughts your way. Life is so hard for all of us, no matter how old we are. I hope we both figure it out!
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
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Post by mallie on Jul 17, 2015 20:38:16 GMT
My early to mid-40s were good, overall. I hated where we live, but I had hopes that we'd be moving as soon as our youngest went to college. My health was good. I had a decent job with decent coworkers. I wasn't the weight I was as a college student, but pretty close, so I could enjoy making and buying clothes and putting outfits together. I had tons of energy and did so much.
Then in my late 40s, menopause started and that began the downhill slide of my health and energy. I also started to question if we were going to get out of here with our marriage intact, got sad as my kids left the nest, shudder when I have to look in the mirror due to my weight, and I started to wonder if my life was going to end up the way I'd always hoped (and it wasn't like I had some big grandiose plans). The jury is still out. Unfortunately with my hypothyroidism and Vitamin D deficiency it's hard to get up the energy to get out of bed, let alone create massive change.
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Post by chichi on Jul 17, 2015 21:19:53 GMT
My 40th decade was just plain
Awful.
3 weeks after I turned 40, I found out I had thyroid cancer..surgery..radioactive iodine..hypo/ hyper thyroid. Still dealing with hormone issues a decade later. If one more person tells me that thyroid cancer is "the good cancer" I'll punch them.
I had 3 kid under the age of 5 when I was diagnosed. Working..dealing with the youngest asthma/allergies that kept me in a dr office a lot.started allergy shots with her when she was 18 months old until she was 10 years.
Marriage took a huge hit when there were things he did with finances that he didn't tell me about until the shit hit the fan.
Then found out the master bathroom was rotting underneath bc of an Improperly built shower/shower pan.
Got through the bathroom demo/ rebuild when my brother was diagnosed with liver failure..he was brain injured from a brain tumor years ago. He never drank..no drugs..just a rare occurrence. Had to take care of him until he died 22 months later.
Not even a month after brother died, my dad started having strange visual symptoms. Turned out that her had a very rare lymphoma that took his sight in his eye.,very aggressive. He had chemo for the next 6 months (sister and I taking turns driving out of state to accompany him for a weeks stay in the hospital. Also during this time, mother started really showing signs of dementia/ alzheimers. She was verbally, emotionally, physically abusive to dad even during his chemo treatment
I had two beloved dogs die within 6 months of each other
Started having back issues that got worse during my dads cancer treatment. Finally my leg got weak and I was falling down..had a back surgery to take off a boney growth of my lumbar vertebra. Did great for 3 weeks. Then suddenly my scoliosis got worse and I was left with terrible muscle spasms. Finally a year and a half later , I get a spinal cord stimulator to help with nerve pain causing the muscle spasms.
My mom got very ill last fall. Made several trips back and forth to help him with her. She died this past January.
I'm Turing 50 next week. I hope this decade gives me a break
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Post by pmm on Jul 17, 2015 22:11:29 GMT
Nope not enjoying my 40s. I found myself divorced and raising two kids in a state that I never wanted to live in. I have few friends and spend way to much time by myself. Because the friends that I do have are married and raising little ones (mine are 20 and 24). I left my home care job and went back to the hospital as I desired stability with my work life. I discovered that the hospital I accepted a job from is sadly lacking in acceptance of new people. There are cliques and pettiness is rampant in my department; it is like being in high school all over again. Management is aware but lacks the ability to change the dynamics. And of course all the body changes are driving me crazy...I don't need to elaborate on that part! I hate myself and my life right now. I don't see my life changing in the near or distant future. I don't even know what I want out of life anymore. I live in a town, far away from my family, that I don't like. We've been here 15 years and can't really move because of DH's job. I have to say, If I were in your shoes, I'd really actively hunt for a similar job in a different hospital. I bet it would make life so much more enjoyable to get away from the bad office politics. Since your kids are grown, can you move to a new state? Or even just a new town, if you want to stay closer to them. Next June I will be vested with my employer and I will be eligible for a small retirement from them when the time comes. I also am helping out my girlfriend with her two youngest while her husband is deployed. I don't want to leave her in a lurch by changing jobs and not being able to help her out. After I am vested I will begin looking for a new job. Up until the beginning of this year I was coping with the department BS very well. I've had her youngest since he was a baby a couple days per week. He is truly the sunshine in my life. He is just as much attached to me as I am to him. I tell her "This must be what being a grandma is like." She is a kind caring person and asks me frequently if I am okay watching the kids. I bought my home when I divorced right before the market tanked. Unfortunately, all sales in my neighborhood have been foreclosures except two. Both homes sold for significantly less than what I owe on mine. I would either have to take a huge loss or let mine go into foreclosure in order to get out. If I were to sell it for a loss I'm not even sure what the bank would require for the difference. One of the two kids still lives with me. The other moved out recently. The one still at home would need to move with me as she does not make enough money to live on her own. She is a college graduate and feeling very frustrated that she has been unable to find a job in her profession. The kids has put in over 30 applications this spring/summer and not had one interview. I feel for her. If I could move I do believe that she would be willing to move too. Thank you for your ideas. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:08:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2015 0:25:18 GMT
I'm 46 and have found my 40's to be very challenging to say the least. I didn't realize how "good" things were in my 30's and 20's and often struggled with things that seem trivial to me now. As soon as I hit 40 I lost a lot of hair (which was really quite traumatic for me). There was no real reason for it, which made it very hard to deal with. Then I started having back problems which turned out to be bulging and herniated disks. So I started taking meds for that. After that I started having issues with my cycles. So I had an endometrial ablation and then a hysterectomy. Then I started having thyroid problems which led to weight gain, high cholesterol and high sugars. So I started meds for that. I also have a vitamin D deficiency, meaning more meds. My pill box is getting fuller by the day and I just feel so tired and hopeless.
To add to that, my husband has been gone for most of my 40's due to his career in the military. My stress level has not been well managed because I honestly have no time to do it. My life is all about my 4 kids and their future. We've been homeschooling them since they were young and I look forward to the day they are done...even though I'll hate to see my babies grown up.
Anyway, I often wish I could turn back the clock 10 years. Life was so much easier and simpler back then and I didn't appreciate it for what it was.
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Post by doesitmatter on Jul 18, 2015 2:06:32 GMT
Me. I typed a whole thing out, but I am feeling way too vulnerable I guess so I deleted it.
I am praying and trusting God that he will lead me to His plan and guide me to make the proper decisions and help me to find a job that I can work hard at and provide for my family.
So ya, I get it.
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Post by melanieg on Jul 18, 2015 4:08:25 GMT
I turned 40 on 28APR and so far have hated every minute of it.
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Post by threegirls on Jul 18, 2015 12:20:21 GMT
I feel like we should add a spoiler alert to this thread for the Peas who are under 40.  |
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linda~lou
Pearl Clutcher
Keep calm and eat crumpets
Posts: 2,744
Location: Motown but my heart is in San Francisco
Jun 25, 2014 21:57:08 GMT
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Post by linda~lou on Jul 18, 2015 14:13:48 GMT
Oh hell, I wish I was in my 40's again....try looking at becoming 70 next year.  |
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(is that possible for teen girls??) things would be pretty great!
refupea #245