AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968 
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 17, 2015 18:21:15 GMT
Asking because I felt a bit trapped when this came up in conversation a few years back. A young woman that was raised in my church announced that she was engaged and she and her boyfriend were expecting their first baby in six months.
Young woman was working with a group of girls, which included my daughter and the daughter of the woman sitting next to me, each week. We were at church watching them from a bit of a distance when the boyfriend walks up to the girl. I ask the woman if she knows of the wedding date. And received an earful, lol. Apparently my question implied that I wasn't thrilled that another baby was coming into the world. The other woman made note of the fact that my children weren't grown and that they might end up with out of wedlock children too. But for the grace of God I go, and all.
Now, I was/am fully aware that my own children might make me a grandmother before I want to be. I understand that is out of my control. My motivation for asking was based more on curiosity about the girl's siblings being able to attend (one was deployed and another was in college far away) and whether or not I would have time to make something for any shower the church might throw.
The woman next to me wasn't the girl's mother. She'd known the girl for all of the girl's life though. Her reaction has always stuck with me. Major defensive, Mama Bear response.
When given news like this I tend to step back and try to gauge how the messenger feels about the situation. I've never once known a grandmother that did not end up head over heels in love with her grandchild, no matter the circumstances of his conception. So I know grandmas eventually are happy. But I also know that I wouldn't be too thrilled if my children announced today that they were expecting a baby. I'd want a bit of sympathy from my friends at first. Problem is, you don't know what stage the grandmother-to-be is in when they announce the news. |
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Post by KelleeM on Jul 17, 2015 18:24:37 GMT
I don't know. I got a lot of mixed reactions when I announced my 25 year old dd's pregnancy. She's in a relationship but there's no talk of marriage and the guy isn't extremely ambitious.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 28, 2024 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 18:25:07 GMT
Having been on the receiving end of many negative comments about my reproductive choices, I'd go with a response that spanned from "Congratulations! Babies are wonderful little things!" and followed up with "How do you feel about it?". I can sympathize that having children young makes life HARD but also still carry some hurt over some (lots!) of really rude comments I've received about my family.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Jul 17, 2015 18:28:25 GMT
I'm confused, the title doesn't seem to fit the story. Is the 15 year old engaged?
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 17, 2015 18:31:04 GMT
I'd try to take my cues from the person doing the announcing, so it is hard to say.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 17, 2015 18:31:39 GMT
I don't know. I got a lot of mixed reactions when I announced my 25 year old dad's pregnancy. She's in a relationship but there's no talk of marriage and the guy isn't extremely ambitious. did you mean daughter instead of dad, otherwise it doesn't make sense. |
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Post by Linda on Jul 17, 2015 18:37:57 GMT
"congratulations and prayers. I was a young, unmarried mum myself once. I'm available if you or your DD need a sympathetic ear."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Apr 28, 2024 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 18:40:14 GMT
Since she announced the engagement too, I probably would have asked when the wedding was and if there were something I could do to help. If there had been no mention of engagement, I wouldn't have assumed a marriage.
That said, is the girl 15? Because I agree the question doesn't match the situation!
Personally in the pregnant-only situation, I would ask what I could do to help, since I am very pro-life and believe that we must support these types of situations in the church rather than being negative about them and letting the girls think an abortion is the easier option (less social stigma, possibly hiding that it ever happened, etc).
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Post by Patter on Jul 17, 2015 18:40:54 GMT
I will tell you that 9 years ago this happened to someone very, very dear to me--her 14 year old daughter was pregnant. I told her I was so sorry but that I would pray for them and that I was there for them. I ended up walking that road with them, and my girls were 12 at the time so they understood all that was happening. They saw what happened to this family. There were very nasty things said to them, rumors, lost "friends," you name it. We stood by them supporting them in prayer, being there for them to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. I also taught a private childbirth class to the pregnant teen. While we may not agree with what happened, God had a plan for all of it, and we were there to love them and help them. I pray that anyone that knows someone in this situation will be there for them because this family could have been torn apart by all that happened. It was bad enough what was going on let alone the stress and treatment they received from outsiders. Love, prayer, and kindness can go a long way!
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oldcrow
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 17, 2015 18:45:15 GMT
I go noncommittal all the way. I've been bitten too many times.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
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Post by happymomma on Jul 17, 2015 18:46:48 GMT
I probably would have looked at her in a puzzled way and said, "That has nothing to do with why I asked, but your reaction tells me that YOU are the one focused on that aspect of it."
While I cannot imagine myself ever being delighted about the news of a pregnant 15 year old, I guess I would just take my cues from the person announcing it as to how to respond. I don't see myself ever saying, "Great! Congratulations!" but rather something stupid like, "Oh.", which would probably get me in hot water anyway, but it's so hard these days to not offend no matter what. Some days it seems like I just can't win.
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Post by melanell on Jul 17, 2015 18:52:31 GMT
How about "I wish her well."?
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The Birdhouse Lady
Drama Llama
Moose. It's what's for dinner.
Posts: 7,146
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Jun 30, 2014 17:15:19 GMT
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Post by The Birdhouse Lady on Jul 17, 2015 18:53:21 GMT
I have been sitting here trying to think of what my response would be.
My daughter is 15. Even though she seems more mature than some of her friends, she is in no way ready to be a mother.
One of my very good friends has a daughter that became pregnant during the summer between her junior and senior year of high school. I knew at that moment if it happened to her it could happen to anyone. They did make it work. The little guy just turned 10 and they celebrated their 10 year anniversary. But she would be the first to tell you that that road was very bumpy.
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sharlag
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Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 17, 2015 19:00:23 GMT
I'd be all cool with a non-committal "When is she due?" type question to feel out the feelings of the announcer.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
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Post by Peamac on Jul 17, 2015 19:13:25 GMT
I would have replied to the woman that "I was only asking to see if I had time to make something for a gift, but thanks for assuming my intentions." Well, I'd want to reply that way.
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Post by cmpeter on Jul 17, 2015 19:14:05 GMT
I would go with something along the lines of Sharla's response.
How is this a spin off on the poverty thread though?
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 17, 2015 19:20:27 GMT
When my MIL found out I was pregnant her repsonse was, "They can't afford a baby" so even married couples don't always get the response one would expect. If I didn't know the person I would say something like "When is she due" trying to be non-judgemental, even though I am a very judgemental person in my head.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
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Post by happymomma on Jul 17, 2015 19:23:46 GMT
The poverty thread brought up some excellent points about young girls getting sucked into the cycle of poverty by having children when they are so young and not financially able to properly support independently of government assistance and how it limits their choices in life such as continuing education, etc. NOT saying that this happens to all young mothers, but it is a factor. At least I think that is how it ties in, maybe the OP tied it in for different reason.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 19:28:51 GMT
What does your question have to do with your OP? I am confused! Was it someone of 15 that was pregnant and engaged?  |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 17, 2015 19:32:07 GMT
How do you feel about it? is my standard response. You never which side of the fence someone is on. If they are happy, I can be happy for them. If they are sad/disappointed I can try to offer a glass is half full comment.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 17, 2015 20:01:40 GMT
Wow, I didn't realize my scenario would be so confusing. So sorry.
The girl I knew from church was actually 16. I didn't speak with her mother, but another woman at church.
I asked about the announcement of a pregnant 15 year old because that was the situation mentioned at the end of the poverty thread. I have known many young girls that got pregnant at 15. Some of which came from families that completely celebrated and encouraged the pregnancy. I also have students whose mothers would be devastated if their 15 year olds were pregnant.
The poverty thread got me thinking about how my initial thoughts might be totally different than the feelings of the grandmother to be. Fortunately, any time I've been faced with this situation, it was very clear how everyone felt and I didn't have to worry about hurting any feelings.
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Post by pmk on Jul 17, 2015 20:07:01 GMT
I will tell you that 9 years ago this happened to someone very, very dear to me--her 14 year old daughter was pregnant. I told her I was so sorry but that I would pray for them and that I was there for them. I ended up walking that road with them, and my girls were 12 at the time so they understood all that was happening. They saw what happened to this family. There were very nasty things said to them, rumors, lost "friends," you name it. We stood by them supporting them in prayer, being there for them to listen, be a shoulder to cry on, etc. I also taught a private childbirth class to the pregnant teen. While we may not agree with what happened, God had a plan for all of it, and we were there to love them and help them. I pray that anyone that knows someone in this situation will be there for them because this family could have been torn apart by all that happened. It was bad enough what was going on let alone the stress and treatment they received from outsiders. Love, prayer, and kindness can go a long way! This is a similar situation to one we found ourselves in. Our friends' 15 year old son announced that his 14 year old gf was pregnant. Her family had trod the path before with the girls' older sister but our friends were devastated with the situation. I was stunned by how awful people were to them and about them. We supported them and were there for them. It was just not in our nature to beat them up any further than they already had been (or were doing to themselves). |
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Post by KelleeM on Jul 17, 2015 20:46:37 GMT
I don't know. I got a lot of mixed reactions when I announced my 25 year old dad's pregnancy. She's in a relationship but there's no talk of marriage and the guy isn't extremely ambitious. did you mean daughter instead of dad, otherwise it doesn't make sense. Yes, damn autocorrect. I typed dd on my phone. |
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Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 17, 2015 21:05:18 GMT
I'd answer with "how is she feeling?" It's even more vague than "how do you feel about it" Hopefully she'll know that I care about her and her daughter and will not offend. When in doubt, I would absolutely offer congratulations before sympathy. I always feel like the time for lectures and platitudes about the difficulties of being a young parent are before pregnancy. At that point the family needs support.
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Post by Pahina722 on Jul 17, 2015 21:15:04 GMT
Since I don't know a single person that would be HAPPY over her 16-year-old DD getting pregnant, I would probably respond, "How are you and your DD handling it?" Even my students who have kids that age would generally be upset as many of them were teen mothers themselves (hence the reason they're working on an AA in their mid-30s) and don't want their kids to struggle as they have.
Now when I taught at the alternative high school, I had a few 16-year-old mothers in my classes, who, by and large, weren't happy about being pregnant but were doing the best they could to finish school. And my question to them was the same: "How are you handling everything?" How is that offensive?
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
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Post by likescarrots on Jul 17, 2015 22:57:03 GMT
A woman i used to work with came to work one day terribly upset. She told us that her son had gotten his girlfriend pregnant, and was crying while she told us. Her son was in his early 20s. It was definitely an awkward conversation, but i think my first thought was 'but are THEY happy about it?'... They didn't seem as devastated as the mom was.
I think it bothers me the most when people (especially mothers) say things like 'this will ruin their life'. Maybe the woman OP was talking to was so offended because she had gone through something similar when she was younger.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 17, 2015 22:58:44 GMT
Oh wow! Pause ( at which point I'm hoping for some indication as to which way they are feeling about it. )
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 17, 2015 23:06:29 GMT
My best friend in high school got pregnant at 15. She was sent away to live with her mom. She actually got pregnant when she was visiting her mom, but her dad was not happy at all. This poor girl was in no way ready to be a good mom. They both had a rough life and things were always hard for my friend. Having this experience with a friend has made me feel one way about a girl so young having a baby. This was also 35 years ago and a majority of the time parents and relatives will rally around the young girl. It isn't what I would wish for anyone, but I would smile and say something nice about babies and ask them how they are feeling. My feelings don't matter one bit.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 23:43:13 GMT
Well bless her heart.
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Deleted
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Apr 28, 2024 22:27:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2015 23:52:12 GMT
Oh wow! Pause ( at which point I'm hoping for some indication as to which way they are feeling about it. ) Yes! My husband has taught me the value of the noncommittal exclamation. It works for all kinds of things: divorce announcements, rude comments about other people, insults, news you aren't sure how to respond to, TMIs - everything! Them: My 15 year old is pregnant. You: Oh! When is she due? Them: You look like a sack of potatoes in that dress. You: Wow! Them: That Janelle is a creep. You: Goodness! Them: I like to smell the people in line in front of me at the grocery store. You: Mercy! I love it - use this method all the time. |
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