irener
Junior Member
Posts: 66 
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Post by irener on Jul 18, 2015 16:41:39 GMT
a little background: I have been separated from my abusive husband since 2008 when I called the police, he went to jail and I left the state, taking our daughter.
This morning on Facebook (of course!) I literally stumbled on his FB and saw pics of him and his girlfriend of several years. So, I sent her an IM and asked her if she could tell him to divorce me and start paying child support. I apologized to her for doing it like that (through an IM) but he will not sign divorce papers or pay child support..(he keeps saying he wants to 'work it out' and I have no $$ for attorney fees) She said thanks for contacting her, and it gave her all the proof for her to make a decision. She also sed she knew about me and my daughter but I have the strong belief she doesn't know the full extent of the situation. she also sed he would be calling me and was not going to be nice about it. (phone rings) and he calls me yelling saying that I'm a liar, and to stop messaging his girlfriend and accusing me of cheating while we were together. It was so familiar that I literally was laughing on the phone. He had me on speakerphone, which was probably for him to be able to show her how "crazy" I am. I really hope she sees through his BS and has the proof to leave. I don't want anyone else to go through misery that I went through with him.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 18, 2015 16:46:34 GMT
Isn't there some sort of statue for how long a divorce petition can sit before it just becomes?
It would seem if you filed in 2008 that they should grant you a divorce whether he signs or not.
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irener
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by irener on Jul 18, 2015 16:53:17 GMT
i never filed for divorce. He was sitting in jail and was (am) in a different state. Not sure how to exactly go thru with a divorce....no $$ and I only know the state he lives in.
I'm just so done with him....and still feel stupid for marrying him in the first place!
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 18, 2015 16:56:31 GMT
i never filed for divorce. He was sitting in jail and was (am) in a different state. Not sure how to exactly go thru with a divorce....no $$ and I only know the state he lives in. I'm just so done with him....and still feel stupid for marrying him in the first place! do some google ng and look around for some advice. I bet you can file yourself for a couple of hundred dollars and be done with him. I fear you'd be responsible financially if he screws up and that would cost more than a divor,e |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:47:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2015 16:57:19 GMT
I am sorry you are stuck in this place, but I would be very worried that the GF will dump him and he would decide that you were the reason and come after you in retribution. You just need to take the reins and file for divorce and child support. Not sure why you think he is the one that needs to do so, except that you don't think you can afford to do so. In 7+ years, you haven't been able to sock a little away to file on your own?
I'd be asking myself why I have allowed him to control me for so long!
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
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Post by happymomma on Jul 18, 2015 17:08:20 GMT
Poor form getting the girlfriend involved, in my opinion. You're hoping she will leave him. If I'm reading correctly you've had about 7 years to save up enough to start a divorce. He doesn't have to agree to it, if he doesn't show up for proceedings bingo, judgement against him by default.
Starting drama via Facebook is childish. If you want to get on with your life, just do it. If you want to poke around in his don't be surprised when he gets angry and won't cooperate in a civil manner.
I wish you luck. You deserve to move on and be free and happy after this many years.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:47:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2015 17:19:58 GMT
Poor form getting the girlfriend involved, in my opinion. You're hoping she will leave him. If I'm reading correctly you've had about 7 years to save up enough to start a divorce. He doesn't have to agree to it, if he doesn't show up for proceedings bingo, judgement against him by default. Starting drama via Facebook is childish. If you want to get on with your life, just do it. If you want to poke around in his don't be surprised when he gets angry and won't cooperate in a civil manner. I wish you luck. You deserve to move on and be free and happy after this many years. So much this. Your actions just made you seem jealous and immature. And in the long run, just made things more difficult. I find it hard to believe that you have been unable to save any money in 7 years to start divorce proceedings if you really wanted to. Now you've just opened the door to even more drama. My divorce was $500. He filed, I didn't respond, three months later, we were done. I would never consider contacting any woman in his life for any reason. |
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pridemom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,843
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Post by pridemom on Jul 18, 2015 17:32:53 GMT
When I interned at a women's shelter, they had funds for divorces.
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gsquaredmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Jun 26, 2014 17:43:22 GMT
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Post by gsquaredmom on Jul 18, 2015 18:08:41 GMT
She made a decision? I think she may have decided he is right about you, whatever it was he said. I think this may not have gone the way you think. I agree with others that it may not have been to your advantage to contact his GF. And why haven't you filed? Even saving 10 dollars a month would have had you divorced for two or three years now (10 x 50 being about four years).
I hope we are wrong and this actually improved your situation.
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Post by KelleeM on Jul 18, 2015 18:10:51 GMT
My dh divorced his ex very inexpensively. He filed, had to send notification to her last known address and it came back "addressee unknown," the court set a date and it was done. I think the filing fee was about $100. I'd see about finding some free legal advice and getting it done!
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Post by choppedliver on Jul 18, 2015 18:18:54 GMT
I am divorced without an atty or my ex signing a single piece of paper. I sent all the paperwork to him. The court contacted him. They was no reponse so my divorce went into default judgment. The judge called his ass the day of the divorce while I was in the courtroom to get my divorce finalized. It was a pain in the ass, but it was done and the best thing for my sanity. Please look into it. I'm not sure which state it needs to be filed, but there has to be a way.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 18, 2015 20:44:14 GMT
Don't be so harsh to OP. She had an ABUSIVE husband. One who does not pay child support (maybe he doesn't know where to pay, though?) I think it's fine she let the GF know he was abusive. What is she supposed to do? Nothing? She's got to support her child and her on one salary and who knows how much help she has from family. I know I am overwhelmed with my kids and once I was away, I didn't even care about a divorce or not. I was just glad to be gone.
OP - when you feel strong enough, there are a lot of solutions out there for you. Good luck!
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Post by mlynn on Jul 18, 2015 21:55:56 GMT
I think it is possible to get child support when you are just separated. Cheek with your states family services.
When I got divorced, I purchased a notebook from an office supply store that had the forms to fill out. And I paid the filing fee. Those were my only expenses. But we did not have children.
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Jul 18, 2015 22:10:12 GMT
My cousin and one of my friends both had similar situations. They both went to the DCSS Office and got some help starting the process. My cousin was able to get full custody which is what she needed, and my friend was able to get a divorce from her ex who is a douchebag.
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Post by Zee on Jul 18, 2015 22:14:31 GMT
Don't be so harsh to OP. She had an ABUSIVE husband. One who does not pay child support (maybe he doesn't know where to pay, though?) I think it's fine she let the GF know he was abusive. What is she supposed to do? Nothing? She's got to support her child and her on one salary and who knows how much help she has from family. I know I am overwhelmed with my kids and once I was away, I didn't even care about a divorce or not. I was just glad to be gone. OP - when you feel strong enough, there are a lot of solutions out there for you. Good luck! It's the fact that it's been seven years and she contacted the girlfriend that people are objecting to. I don't think his being abusive is an issue or she wouldn't contact the girlfriend and talk to him on the phone, she'd save up it's been, again, seven years) and file herself. He doesn't have to sign papers, this isn't the 1930s. |
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 18, 2015 22:17:02 GMT
If there is no divorce and no child support ordered, is there a custody order in effect? I can't imagine a restraining order is still in effect. Couldn't he stalk your fb page now and find you and your daughter?
Lock down your fb account now and block her and anybody you think might know him. Or deactivate your fb account for now
If he was abusive then and didn't get help, you may have made yourself a target.
Also you said you told her to sign the papers. If you've already filed, the court you filed in probably has jurisdiction even if he doesn't live in that state. If you haven't files, you need to because first to file typically gets jurisdiction and if he files first, you'd have to go to his state for the court appearances if needed.
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Post by freecharlie on Jul 18, 2015 22:17:44 GMT
Also how does he keep saying he wants to work it out if you haven't had contact with him?
And how does he have your phone number?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:47:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2015 22:26:50 GMT
Hugs. I am so sorry that you are caught is such a situation.
Please call the domestic violence center for help.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,417
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Post by YooHoot on Jul 18, 2015 22:51:01 GMT
I wouldn't have involved the girlfriend. It's easy to track down someone especially these days. Do the paperwork, file and be done. I wouldn't "poke the puppy" so to speak just to get a reaction and provoke him.
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 18, 2015 23:52:58 GMT
Creeping an ex, contacting a girlfriend and cackling at him when he calls indicates then need for some straight up talk.Straight up talk does not equate to "harsh."
FWIW, my divorce cost me an $89 filing fee and a sheriff's service fee of like $35. And, if I went 7 years without child support, I sure as hell would not put my child or me at risk by asking the girlfriend for it.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 18, 2015 23:59:33 GMT
i never filed for divorce. He was sitting in jail and was (am) in a different state. Not sure how to exactly go thru with a divorce....no $$ and I only know the state he lives in. I'm just so done with him....and still feel stupid for marrying him in the first place! In my state (Texas) you file in the county in which YOU live. Doesn't matter where he lives regarding the filing. You may have to have an address to use to serve the papers on him. \ Since you were in a domestic abuse situation at the time, why don't you go to a local women's shelter and ask for help/advice on getting the legal work done. |
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Post by rcarpen on Jul 19, 2015 0:28:12 GMT
You can apply for Child Support Services in the state where you reside. Your local Agency can assist you in obtaining child support without a divorce decree. I bet he will be more inclined to cooperate with a divorce if he is placed under order to pay support. Your home state agency can send a UIFSA petition to the state where your ex resides,etc. please do not contact the girlfriend again, it will only cause drama and problems that you don't need. Good luck to you!
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Post by alittleintrepid on Jul 19, 2015 0:35:58 GMT
^^ that! You can get an order for child support enforced. It'll be different depending on where you live but may be worthwhile. Just as an aside, where I live, child support does not entitle the non-custodial parent to access. It is a different decision but I suspect it might be a concern for you if he was abusive. Obviously, check where you live...you might be able to find the right information from a women's centre, court clinic, or Salvation Army if you have any of those locally.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 17, 2024 22:47:48 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2015 0:39:23 GMT
Your state has a family maintenance department (I used to work there in my province) and you need to contact them and they will go after him and do all the work. They will send you a registration package and will get a court order and will get him for you. Don't contact him again, you don't need to. Every state has a reciprocal agreement and they will go after him no matter where he lives. If he defaults they will garnish his wages. (That is totally common) and no one will ever know except your worker because it's all done through the court system. It also isn't expensive. They may go for back pay on him, too.
Don't contact him again. You don't need to. File for child maintenance and if you want spousal support as he should have been sending you money as part of the divorce settlement (alimony). Don't be embarrassed. This happens all the time. Ex spouses can be a$$holes as you know.
Get your share!
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Post by Skellinton on Jul 19, 2015 15:36:46 GMT
I would be terribly worried what financial burdens he could be putting on you since you are still married and probably partially responsible for any debt he has incurred for the past 7 years, on top of the fact that since you don't have a divorce or custody arrangements he could come and get your daughter any time he wants from school or your house and there is nothing you could do.
If the gf has been with him several years she knows he is abusive. No way he could hide it that long. Don't excuse your behavior of contacting her to poke the puppy by saying you want to warn her.
Divorces are relatively cheap, file tomorrow and get that ball rolling.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 19, 2015 15:57:52 GMT
Oh my, good luck to you.
Can you go to local library and research divorce in your state? Or ask for help through a women's organization as said above?
When I thought I might be headed that way I learned it's a very cheap, very easy thing to accomplish in my state- at least legally.
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Post by epeanymous on Jul 19, 2015 16:07:16 GMT
As long as you are legally tied to this person, you do not know what he may be doing that will affect you in the future. And, if you just threw a (doubtlessly well-deserved) hand grenade into his current relationship, you do not know how he is going to make your life miserable now just for fun. Do you have a custody order in place?
It's time to get your legal ducks in a row. The risk exposure you have is much higher than the amount of money it would cost you to file and finish this.
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Post by mom on Jul 19, 2015 16:12:40 GMT
Honestly? Its put up or shut up time.
Either get help filing for a divorce and child support (check your states legal aide....they are everywhere, and its based on your income) or quit bothering him and his girlfriend.
Your daughter deserves the child support and its time to stand up, and do whats right for her. It's time to be the grown up, move on and do whats in her best interest.
He is not going to sign the papers, because then he would be financially responsible. So do it without him. Tell the court he hasn't seen his kid in 'x' number of years.
Either divorce him or not. But you can't complain about no support when you haven't taken the steps to legal get the support.
Im so sorry if I sound harsh, but this isn't something to mess with. Your child deserves the support and as her mama, you need to find out what you have to do to get it.
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Post by mom on Jul 19, 2015 16:15:00 GMT
As long as you are legally tied to this person, you do not know what he may be doing that will affect you in the future. And, if you just threw a (doubtlessly well-deserved) hand grenade into his current relationship, you do not know how he is going to make your life miserable now just for fun. Do you have a custody order in place? It's time to get your legal ducks in a row. The risk exposure you have is much higher than the amount of money it would cost you to file and finish this. Yes! If there is no legal custody order in place, he can take the child whether or not you agree or know about until its too late. (Just as the OP did while he was in jail). Get ready, because the first bomb of the war just went off. Everything you say and do will be used against you so be the mature, stable person that your daughter needs. |
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irener
Junior Member
Posts: 66
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Post by irener on Jul 19, 2015 16:42:28 GMT
Don't be so harsh to OP. She had an ABUSIVE husband. One who does not pay child support (maybe he doesn't know where to pay, though?) I think it's fine she let the GF know he was abusive. What is she supposed to do? Nothing? She's got to support her child and her on one salary and who knows how much help she has from family. I know I am overwhelmed with my kids and once I was away, I didn't even care about a divorce or not. I was just glad to be gone. OP - when you feel strong enough, there are a lot of solutions out there for you. Good luck! When I married him, of course he did not show his abusive side but his best side. slowly he isolated me and demeaned me and broke down my self esteem. He would shove me while I was pregnant, slap me, punch me, rip my hair out, and choke me. This is not to get sympathy for anyone reading this, but to show a small example of the abuse. I was financially dependent on him. When I was (finally) able to leave, he went to jail and I left that state with only the clothes on my back. Even the vehicle I was driving was not in my name, and it was repossessed. I was living in a women's shelter, found a job and took public transportation to my job so I could save enough money to get us out of the shelter. I have no family and since I had just moved, I had no friends. I just wanted out. I am not ashamed to say that at the time I did apply for public assistance, and since I had a restraining order and was fearful for my and my DD's welfare, I had a special exemption that the state would not go after him for child support. Fast forward to now, I have been able to(partially) build up my credit (which was ruined during my first divorce), buy a reliable vehicle, rent an apartment and make ends meet. Seven years to save up money? I lived paycheck to paycheck and sometimes only had 10 dollars after paying bills to last two weeks. And contacting the current 'girlfriend'? I didn't know about her. And truthfully, after the abuse I went through with him, I was praying he was not doing the same thing with her. No one should go through the abuse that I went through. Thank you all for your words of encouragement, I have been so overwhelmed with how to start, but I feel like I am strong enough to get this done and be the best mom/dad for my DD. |
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