luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 21, 2015 23:42:42 GMT
The Ashley Madison thread got me thinking about this...
Say a couple is 25 years or more in to the marriage and one suddenly doesn't want to have anything to do with intimacy anymore. They won't work on fixing the problem or seek counseling about it. What should the left out spouse do?
A) Throw in the towel and everything that goes with it (family ties, financial situations, etc.) or B) Suffer in silence on their own or C) Have a discrete affair leaving everything else in tact?
Which would you choose if you were the one left out in the cold or what would you want to have happen if you're the one giving the cold shoulder?
Yes, I realize an affair is wrong, but not all situations are as black/white as they appear IMO.
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Post by padresfan619 on Jul 21, 2015 23:47:12 GMT
This may not be a popular response, but if one spouse truly doesn't want to be intimate and the couple has tried everything when it comes to counseling, then perhaps an arrangement should be made. I'm sure there are lots of married couples who have something set up for physical needs. The betrayal of going behind your spouse's back to get that physical need met is where the line is crossed, IMO. But if everyone is aware and consenting to the activities going on outside of the marriage, it may be for the best.
And if an arrangement cannot be agreed upon and the physical side of marriage is that important, then yes, I think the couple should divorce.
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 3:55:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 21, 2015 23:48:23 GMT
Or D. Find out what the real problem is and fix it.
As a spouse of 23 years, I don't think either of us has the right to say "it's over in the bedroom" and have that be the law. Obviously, if there is some medical complication, we will work around that but otherwise, just blankety abandoning all intimacy is just not an option.
We said we would be a we in all things. Nothing changes that.
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AnotherPea
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Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 21, 2015 23:57:23 GMT
The Ashley Madison thread got me thinking about this... Say a couple is 25 years or more in to the marriage and one suddenly doesn't want to have anything to do with intimacy anymore. They won't work on fixing the problem or seek counseling about it. What should the left out spouse do? A) Throw in the towel and everything that goes with it (family ties, financial situations, etc.) or B) Suffer in silence on their own or C) Have a discrete affair leaving everything else in tact? Which would you choose if you were the one left out in the cold or what would you want to have happen if you're the one giving the cold shoulder? Yes, I realize an affair is wrong, but not all situations are as black/white as they appear IMO. I believe marriage vows are actual vows. I said "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health." For the most part, that will cover every hiccup in a marriage there is. If my husband was in a car accident that made him incapable of performing sexually, I wouldn't seek intimacy elsewhere. If he's on some medication that causes his desire to wane, I wouldn't. If he's depressed, has low testosterone levels, whatever, I wouldn't. I would expect the same consideration. Admittedly, there are limits. Not sure I could stand by my man if he ended up doing some bad things, even if it was a mental illness that led him to his actions.
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TankTop
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Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 22, 2015 0:00:14 GMT
I would contact Steph.
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SabrinaP
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Busy Teacher Pea
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Jun 26, 2014 12:16:22 GMT
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Post by SabrinaP on Jul 22, 2015 0:03:35 GMT
I would contact Steph. This should be D!
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Post by Zee on Jul 22, 2015 0:04:31 GMT
I would contact Steph.
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Post by Linda on Jul 22, 2015 0:08:36 GMT
I meant my marriage vows when I said them - and we said them twice...once civilly and then 5 years later in a church.
25 years into a marriage would presumably put the couple into their mid-40s at the youngest...for us, it would put us into our mid-50s as we married a bit later. I would suspect at that point, that a sudden lack of interest in intimacy either had medical roots (and many people are embarrassed to talk about those) or that there was a marriage issue that's been festering a while and finally come to a head - perhaps as the nest emptied and the couple are trying to find their feet as husband and wife again after being mum and dad for years. People who have had a healthy physical relationship for 25 years don't suddenly decide no more - there's something more going on.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 14, 2024 3:55:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2015 0:34:16 GMT
I think it's up to each couple to come to a mutual decision that they are both happy and comfortable with. Having an affair isn't just about seeking sexual satisfaction, it's a betrayal of trust.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Jul 22, 2015 1:09:23 GMT
If there was a medical reason for it or we'd come to that mutual decision then I'd be ok with it. However if my DH had just up and decided all on his own then no, I wouldn't have been ok with it. We were 44 on our 25th wedding anniversary and there's no way I was willing to give up sex at that age.
Honestly I think if my DH were healthy and there was no reason for it I'd have thrown in the towel. I'd rather live alone.
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mallie
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Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 22, 2015 1:43:21 GMT
Or D. Find out what the real problem is and fix it. As a spouse of 23 years, I don't think either of us has the right to say "it's over in the bedroom" and have that be the law. Obviously, if there is some medical complication, we will work around that but otherwise, just blankety abandoning all intimacy is just not an option. We said we would be a we in all things. Nothing changes that. And what if the problem is medical and there is no "fix"?
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scrappinghappy
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“I’m late, I’m late for a very important date. No time to say “Hello.” Goodbye. I’m late...."
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Jun 26, 2014 19:30:06 GMT
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Post by scrappinghappy on Jul 22, 2015 2:01:58 GMT
There's always BOB. Although honestly I'd want to get to the root of the problem and find out why and then together, see if we could come up with a solution that works for both parties.
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Post by roundtwo on Jul 22, 2015 2:04:07 GMT
I think the issue is always black and white. If you are not happy in your marriage, talk to your spouse, or work through the issues with a counsellor and then if the issues can't be worked out, file for divorce.
An affair is such a dirty, cowardly act - I have yet to meet anyone who has affaired "up". Anyone willing to be a plaything for a married man or woman has a whole lot of insecurities and the WS is just using them to blow smoke up their ass.
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Post by lesleyanne on Jul 22, 2015 2:06:18 GMT
I've been a bit MIA on the board for this very reason.
My soon-to-be-ex and I have not been consistently intimate in 10 years of our 19 year marriage. A year ago, I said "I'd rather have nothing than sex twice a year" and that's what's happened.
We separated in May and are going to divorce. I'm 41 and not willing to not have physical intimacy. He's depressed, but I can't fix what he won't acknowledge or work on. And at this point, it's too late for fixing.
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Jul 22, 2015 2:09:38 GMT
There is a big difference between intimacy and sex. If my partner was not interested in intimacy, that ends the relationship for me. There are so many ways to be intimate, it's not about certain parts functioning or not. Suffer in silence? nope Have an affair? If there is no intimacy, end the relationship, then have all the affairs you want.
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Post by kellybelly77 on Jul 22, 2015 2:11:22 GMT
This happened to a friend. Intimacy tapered off and she couldn't figure out why. He eventually came clean that because she had let herself go that he was no longer attracted to her. They were in therapy for awhile, they each made promises and nothing changed. He cheated eventually. They are still married and still not having sex.
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Post by hop2 on Jul 22, 2015 2:14:29 GMT
I know a couple in a sexless marriage. My friend just can't bring herself to file for divorce. Not sure if she still loves him or it's because of her religion or what. She's very catholic and just doesn't believe in it. I've asked her about but she just can't explain it. She's very unhappy. He's an asshat. It's really awful.
I thought the person who said no I won't have sex with you had an appropriate reason though.
After 20 years of marriage she found out that he was STILL having affairs. She had already gone thru infidelity at the 12 year mark and had worked on all the things he said were 'her fault' the jerk supposedly went to a therapist but she isn't sure anymore that wasn't a cover story as well. He tefused couples therapy. Then when he stopped being affectionate at all she got upset and snooped, found out he was still or again having an affair and not sure its only one other person or several. So she gave him an ultimatum she would have sex with him again when he stopped screwing around. And had a clean STD report from his doctor. He hasn't stopped screwing around much kess the other. So she doesn't. He also for some reason hasn't filed for divorce.
Btw she still hasn't cheated, she doesn't believe in it. I can't figure out why not just file for divorce. But then again I left the Catholic Church years ago because I couldn't believe in all of the beliefs so maybe that's why I don't get it. But I DO get why she won't have sex. It's a helth choice.
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Post by Linda on Jul 22, 2015 2:19:11 GMT
Or D. Find out what the real problem is and fix it. As a spouse of 23 years, I don't think either of us has the right to say "it's over in the bedroom" and have that be the law. Obviously, if there is some medical complication, we will work around that but otherwise, just blankety abandoning all intimacy is just not an option. We said we would be a we in all things. Nothing changes that. And what if the problem is medical and there is no "fix"? a medical problem that precludes sexual intercourse is different from one that precludes all forms of physical intimacy. And there are many more of the former than the latter. I can't speak for others but "in sickness and in health" would apply here for me. Personally I think something like dementia/alzheimers would be the most difficult to deal with - all the parts might still work but the ability to consent would be disappearing. It wouldn't drive me to an affair but it would be one more difficult thing to deal with at a time when so much is difficult and the person that I would normally go to for comfort and support isn't available anymore.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jul 22, 2015 7:31:48 GMT
I think marriages now (modern day relationships) are much different than say my grandmother's generation. Hopefully things now are more open, women have a say, it is more acceptable to go to counselling or to seek other medical help. Thought that Ashley Madison statistic I head on the news was quite eye opening! I can think of just as many older men (that my mom and grandma or friends told me about) that had that a woman on the side because back in the day it wasn't spoken of and it was treated differently. As in conversations like Oh yeah, so and so, he always had a girlfriend on the side but no one ever acknowledged it) Both my grandparents had separate beds, so I just thought when people got older they just didn't do it.
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DEX
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Posts: 3,355
Aug 9, 2014 23:13:22 GMT
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Post by DEX on Jul 22, 2015 7:43:57 GMT
I've been a bit MIA on the board for this very reason. My soon-to-be-ex and I have not been consistently intimate in 10 years of our 19 year marriage. A year ago, I said "I'd rather have nothing than sex twice a year" and that's what's happened. We separated in May and are going to divorce. I'm 41 and not willing to not have physical intimacy. He's depressed, but I can't fix what he won't acknowledge or work on. And at this point, it's too late for fixing. That is so hard to read, but harder for you to live. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this uncertain time.
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Post by heartcat on Jul 22, 2015 9:13:17 GMT
A sexless marriage because my spouse had a medical condition, etc. would be one thing. It would be disappointing, but we could work around it. It wouldn't be a marriage ender and I wouldn't cheat on him behind his back.
A sexless marriage because my spouse just unilaterally decided one day that they weren't interested in sex (or me) any more, and weren't going to be having any kind of physical relationship with me, with no regard for the impact of that decision on me or our relationship, would likely end the marriage.
Not just because of the lack of a physical relationship, but because of the attitude behind it. Saying 'what I want is all that matters and I don't care about what you want', is not what a marriage is all about. If it gets to that point for any reason, or on any issue, then I don't think there's much of a relationship left.
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Deleted
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May 14, 2024 3:55:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 22, 2015 9:57:17 GMT
Intimacy is about so much more than sticking something hard in to something wet. For me it's about all those little things that we do for our partners, the closeness that we have, the way in which he knows me better than any other person on the planet. It's built over time through trust, it's sappy but to me intimacy is holding hands, snuggling up to watch tv, all the little looks, touches and kisses during the day. It's having jokes that no one else gets, it's knowing the other person inside and out. Now sex is the most intimate thing we ever do with another person but without all the other stuff it is just sex (and I've enjoyed that kind of sex too). If the physical act went out the window for any reason I would miss it (a lot!!) but if we still had all the other stuff I mentioned then I think we would be ok. I wouldn't suffer in silence, that's not how my marriage works and I certainly wouldn't have an affair. After 25 years I would hope there is some other solution to this than throwing in the towel.
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Post by scrapbookashlee on Jul 22, 2015 11:51:02 GMT
I have 3 close friends in sexless marriages, all for different reasons. One has been thru couples counseling and sought medical treatment as they have been married nearly 15 years and have only had sex twice. The husband has no desire for sex at all. She has cheated - but she's also come to terms that her husband isn't interested in her sexually but they are great companions otherwise, so they are reasonably happy and I don't see them divorcing. My 2nd friend is married to a real jerk and should divorce him, they are both miserable, haven't had sex in more than 5 years and have both cheated - it's only a matter of time until they divorce. My 3rd friend was 5 years into their marriage and 2 years ago she tired of being the one to always initiate sex, so she stopped (very passive aggressive) and he still doesn't initiate - so they don't have sex and she's resentful.
All three are very sad situations.
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blue tulip
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Posts: 2,984
Jun 25, 2014 20:53:57 GMT
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Post by blue tulip on Jul 22, 2015 12:04:06 GMT
This may not be a popular response, but if one spouse truly doesn't want to be intimate and the couple has tried everything when it comes to counseling, then perhaps an arrangement should be made. I'm sure there are lots of married couples who have something set up for physical needs. The betrayal of going behind your spouse's back to get that physical need met is where the line is crossed, IMO. But if everyone is aware and consenting to the activities going on outside of the marriage, it may be for the best. And if an arrangement cannot be agreed upon and the physical side of marriage is that important, then yes, I think the couple should divorce. I know someone in a relationship like this. it's been working for them for a long time. they are very much in love, but don't have sex for reasons i'm not privy to. he has a long-term girlfriend, the wife is open and accepting about it. I agree with you that the worst part of cheating is the deception of your partner.
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Post by anonrefugee on Jul 22, 2015 12:33:29 GMT
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Post by *leslie* on Jul 24, 2015 2:01:54 GMT
IMO, marriage is inherently a sexual relationship. People don't get married to be celibate. When a couple take the vows to "forsake all others", they are saying that they will only turn to each other to meet each other needs. If my husband had a medical issue that couldn't be fixed, I could understand because I took vows, "in sickness and in health". If he flat out refused to have sex or had a medical issue that could be easily treated or refused counseling, I would seriously think of divorce.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 24, 2015 2:06:37 GMT
A friend of mine divorced his wife after she cut him off. After 6 years of nothing, he threw in the towel. Now he's engaged to a hot Latin gal and he is so much happier.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 24, 2015 2:15:33 GMT
Having sex outside of the marriage even w/the consent of the other spouse scares me. What if you think you're just getting physical needs met, but things get emotionally intimate? It's too personal and I would be a nervous wreck worrying about it. If a medical condition caused the problem and it was not able to be fixed then I would hold his hand, cuddle and stay w/him, because he is my husband and I love him. Why would you punish the love of your life just for having a medical condition?
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oldcrow
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Posts: 3,828
Location: Ontario,Canada
Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 24, 2015 15:30:12 GMT
I live in a sexless marriage and have for going on 10 years. It is a medical issue with no resolution. If lack of sex was the only issue I would be happy to have only that to deal with. But it is not the only issue and the other issues have a profound affect on the intimacy aspect of things.
So do I leave him? So do I find someone to service me (because if it is more than just a service I would consider it wrong)? Although if it were only a service I'm not sure I could go through with it. Hmm, I never really thought about it nor considered it.
I suffer in silence, no one including family know about our situation. I admit it here because it is a semi-anonymous place and the discussion came up. I have never had the discussion come up in real life and I hope it stays that way. I would hate to have someone tell me that they were suffering such a situation because I have no advice to offer even with experience.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 24, 2015 15:39:33 GMT
Might not be a don't want sex thing it might be a medical reason. If it were me I would want myself or my spouse (depending on who it is that doesn't want it) to go seek medical help to find out if there is a medical reason. There is so many medical things that cause people to not want sex. I would hate to think it was just not wanting it any more.
I would never have an affair on my husband. I don't believe in them. I think it is the worst sin some body in a marriage could do. And believe me if he ever had an affair behind my back I would KILL him. or at least he would wish he was DEAD!
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