raindancer
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Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 3:53:59 GMT
My kids want friends over all the time (and I don't mean they ask every weekend, I just feel like any time they ask it's as though they ask every weekend. ). I like their friends. I like having them here from morning to night. But then, I just want them to go home. My dh never minds having a houseful of kids, watching movies, crashing all over. I just like my "me" time on the weekend mornings, a cup of coffee, my book, some puppy snuggles from my dog. It's so peaceful. ' I *always* defer to "NO!" as my answer, so I usually send the kids to him if I feel like I'm just reacting with no to say no. I seriously doubt that I would ever say yes on my own accord. My dh is about 50/50 since he knows how I feel about it and is respectful of my needs. Do you have a thing like that? That you would never say yes too, even if it feels unreasonable to do so? Do you let your SO make that choice so you aren't just being mean? (I know it's not "Mean" to not allow sleepovers, it's just the only way I can think to phrase it)
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Post by Kelpea on Jul 26, 2015 4:02:40 GMT
We kinda keep each other in check; every once in awhile, my husband will just rear up and say "enough!" I'm tired of all the sleepovers! He's reached his threshold lol. Works for me! As to the other stuff, it's always discussed between us (united front and all that).
Interesting aside...my son has two friends, both of whose parents are from Ghana. Every time we throw out a casual invitation for whatever, both the moms always say they have to check with their husbands first. Like, calling them at work. I asked one of the boys about it once and he said it's a cultural thing. I honestly think my husband would flip if I started calling him at work with every invitation my children received.
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Post by cmpeter on Jul 26, 2015 4:24:35 GMT
No, I can't really think of an instance where I defer to him. I know there are times he will send them to me, but it's because I manage their schedules more.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 26, 2015 4:34:38 GMT
My nineteen year old son still asks every time if his gf can come over. They have been dating five years. I always say yes. I actually enjoy having her here. Thankfully if she is here there aren't other kids around. My husband wouldn't care either way. Ever.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 6:13:06 GMT
My nineteen year old son still asks every time if his gf can come over. They have been dating five years. I always say yes. I actually enjoy having her here. Thankfully if she is here there aren't other kids around. My husband wouldn't care either way. Ever. I usually try to be the yes mom unless I truly have a reason to say no. That way my no is meaningful. But for some reason I just always want to say no to this. I don't think that is reasonable or fair to the kids. So it's not that I am not putting up a united front. I just think my instant reaction to that specific topic is a little odd. So I just say it doesn't matter to me and let him decide how he feels. The culture thing is intersting. I wouldn't call my dh about that stuff either. That would get old real quick.
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Post by ptamom on Jul 26, 2015 7:44:24 GMT
My kids want friends over all the time (and I don't mean they ask every weekend, I just feel like any time they ask it's as though they ask every weekend. ). I like their friends. I like having them here from morning to night. But then, I just want them to go home. My dh never minds having a houseful of kids, watching movies, crashing all over. I just like my "me" time on the weekend mornings, a cup of coffee, my book, some puppy snuggles from my dog. It's so peaceful. ' I *always* defer to "NO!" as my answer, so I usually send the kids to him if I feel like I'm just reacting with no to say no. I seriously doubt that I would ever say yes on my own accord. My dh is about 50/50 since he knows how I feel about it and is respectful of my needs. Do you have a thing like that? That you would never say yes too, even if it feels unreasonable to do so? Do you let your SO make that choice so you aren't just being mean? (I know it's not "Mean" to not allow sleepovers, it's just the only way I can think to phrase it) Mine is very much like yours, with my son. I work all week with tweens and teens during the school year, so on weekends I would default to "no" when DS asked to have a friend over. "I've dealt with enough of other people's kids!" But, that's not really fair, so I would let DH be the deciding vote. Now, DS has been a bit of a challenging guest in the past, but he's mostly over his issues he exhibited in the past, mostly lack of awareness of his boisterous behavior, and now he runs to the more helpful, considerate, compassionate side of the coin. I've been sidelined with an extremely painful injury lately (bruised ribs), and he is positively doting on me. His teachers this past year have told us stories about how he has stood up for kids that have been picked on, as well as sitting with kids in math to help them understand the lessons. I'm so proud of his helpfulness and empathy. I know how hard he has worked to attain these goals (and I have undying gratitude to the two teachers who saw his potential and helped tease it out of him.) But his friends' parents don't know this, they still remember him as his wild self from years ago. As a consequence, he is never invited to friends' homes. But his friends' parents have no problem dropping their kids here for the day. That can get a bit old, as I'm feeding and entertaining their kid. But I try to keep in mind that he has friends, and I want to nurture that.
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Post by kelbel827 on Jul 26, 2015 11:59:28 GMT
My sister does for everything. Last night I called to ask if she wanted a raffle ticket. She had to ask her husband. Drives me nuts.
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Post by smalltowngirlie on Jul 26, 2015 12:10:39 GMT
If it affects both of us it is discussed, but I don't believe there is anything I would automatically give him the final decision on.
I can understand in your case. You said if it was up to you the answer would always be "No". Your DH knows how you feel so he balances out your needs and your child's needs. I think if he would always say "Yes" you would answer more often but then you would probably feel like you are always being the bad guy. It sounds like you have a good system now, I wouldn't mess with it.
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 26, 2015 12:20:06 GMT
I am not married, but my ex and I do have 'areas of operation' (learned that new term from the boot camp boy...LOL) that we tend to, not defer exactly, but do tend to go along with decisions in that area without much discussion. For example, I have kids that are much braver than I am. Jump from an airplane? Oh hell no. Dad? He is more likely to say 'sure, let's go next weekend.' If it is one of those things that I consider risk taking behavior, my answer is almost always going to be no, but my ex is almost always going to say yes, and then do it with the kids. So I typically let him be the one to make the decisions in that area because I will say no because *I* am scared. On the other hand, school and social life decisions typically are mine. He rarely disagrees with anything I think is okay. If he has reservations, he will bring them up, but generally those reservations are like mine with the risk taking behaviors, reservations based on something that may not be rational-so we talk about it, and more often than not, I make the final decision. Funny isn't it? Not married to the man and still has to navigate the same roads that we would if had stayed married.
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Shel
Full Member
Posts: 408
Jul 16, 2014 0:32:12 GMT
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Post by Shel on Jul 26, 2015 13:07:29 GMT
My husband and I make a good team. He's actually the one to run stuff by me first because I have a better understanding of schedules, finances, planning, etc. if the kids ask him for pretty much anything he will check with me first or at least ask if they've talked to me. (Because sometimes they have and I've told then it's up to their dad)
The only area where I completely defer to him is anything technology or electronic related (he's in IT) and I really don't care about getting involved. :-)
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Post by Woobster on Jul 26, 2015 13:09:09 GMT
I generally leave bigger financial decisions up yo DH. I am aware of our finances, we pay the bills together, I don't feel like I have to ask his permission... I just have a hard time pulling the trigger on bigger ticket items. So, I let him do it.
He is much smarter with money than I am as well. It works for us.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Jul 26, 2015 13:15:08 GMT
not so much any more. Sometimes I simply don't want to make a decision so I'll pawn the question off onto dh.
Earlier in our marriage when money was tight, we had a rule that we wouldn't spend $75 or more without consulting the other. This was also before cellphones so it was a nice way to keep our budget in check.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 14:08:49 GMT
I am not married, but my ex and I do have 'areas of operation' (learned that new term from the boot camp boy...LOL) that we tend to, not defer exactly, but do tend to go along with decisions in that area without much discussion. For example, I have kids that are much braver than I am. Jump from an airplane? Oh hell no. Dad? He is more likely to say 'sure, let's go next weekend.' If it is one of those things that I consider risk taking behavior, my answer is almost always going to be no, but my ex is almost always going to say yes, and then do it with the kids. So I typically let him be the one to make the decisions in that area because I will say no because *I* am scared. On the other hand, school and social life decisions typically are mine. He rarely disagrees with anything I think is okay. If he has reservations, he will bring them up, but generally those reservations are like mine with the risk taking behaviors, reservations based on something that may not be rational-so we talk about it, and more often than not, I make the final decision. Funny isn't it? Not married to the man and still has to navigate the same roads that we would if had stayed married. I think this is an incredible way to raise your kids together even though you are no longer married. I bet your kids are pretty well adjusted and happy, and that when they are adults they will realize how lucky and amazing you two were as parents! And I'm glad I'm not alone in some irrational thought processes that I just have to let the other person take over.
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Jul 26, 2015 14:17:05 GMT
Somehow I married a really passive, indecisive person and I guess it really begin to reveal itself when we had kids. I make mostly all of those type of decisions. Hearing "go ask your mom" in our house is very common. It kinda sucks sometimes.
I do all the bills do and financial decisions. Can you tell it is wearing on me today. Someday it would be nice to have a "team".
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Post by maryland on Jul 26, 2015 14:24:51 GMT
We often check on things as a courtesy. If he is planning a work trip, he checks with me to make sure we don't have anything going on. He doesn't want to miss out on anything that the kids have planned for school/activities, etc. And I check with him too, just to make sure he doesn't have anything going on.
He doesn't really like when the girls have their friends over to spend the night, but just because they are loud. But he never wants to tell them no, so they can pretty much have friends over anytime. Our girls are 12, 15 and 17, so them having friends over isn't necessarily "work" for us. I usually try to be out of the house and let him be in charge!
I always have him do the grilling. I bet I am the only woman who can't grill! I also have him to anything with hanging pictures and technology repair (camera, computer, phones, etc.)
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Post by maryland on Jul 26, 2015 14:36:10 GMT
My nineteen year old son still asks every time if his gf can come over. They have been dating five years. I always say yes. I actually enjoy having her here. Thankfully if she is here there aren't other kids around. My husband wouldn't care either way. Ever. My husband and I felt the same about our daughter's boyfriend. He was welcome anytime! Isn't it great when you really enjoy your son's girlfriend or daughter's boyfriend!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 26, 2015 14:46:46 GMT
Any time either one of us is thinking about spending a larger amount of money (maybe over a few hundred bucks?) we will consult each other before doing it. He pretty much handles the bills and has most stuff set up on various auto pays so I don't want to mess up his system. When it comes to things with DD, usually play dates and that kind of thing are left up to me since I know the other parents better and he's usually not home anyway when those things happen so I tend to make those calls without asking him what he thinks. If it fits in our schedule I typically say yes. When DD and I are out shopping, I typically will tell her no to things she doesn't need unless it's something we're specifically shopping for. But if we're all out shopping together and she's asking about something that's kind of borderline (books, clothes she doesn't *really* need, DVD movies), I will defer to him then because my stock answer is usually no but he could go either way depending on what it is. Once she gets older and starts wanting to do more things with her friends, I think we will probably discuss and decide together just so she won't get the idea that she can play us off of each other.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 14:53:35 GMT
My nineteen year old son still asks every time if his gf can come over. They have been dating five years. I always say yes. I actually enjoy having her here. Thankfully if she is here there aren't other kids around. My husband wouldn't care either way. Ever. My husband and I felt the same about our daughter's boyfriend. He was welcome anytime! Isn't it great when you really enjoy your son's girlfriend or daughter's boyfriend! See, this will be perfect for me. Boyfriends/Girlfriends will get an automatic "No" to a sleepover but are welcome all the rest of the time. haha. Perfect!
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 14:56:27 GMT
Any time either one of us is thinking about spending a larger amount of money (maybe over a few hundred bucks?) we will consult each other before doing it. He pretty much handles the bills and has most stuff set up on various auto pays so I don't want to mess up his system. When it comes to things with DD, usually play dates and that kind of thing are left up to me since I know the other parents better and he's usually not home anyway when those things happen so I tend to make those calls without asking him what he thinks. If it fits in our schedule I typically say yes. When DD and I are out shopping, I typically will tell her no to things she doesn't need unless it's something we're specifically shopping for. But if we're all out shopping together and she's asking about something that's kind of borderline (books, clothes she doesn't *really* need, DVD movies), I will defer to him then because my stock answer is usually no but he could go either way depending on what it is. Once she gets older and starts wanting to do more things with her friends, I think we will probably discuss and decide together just so she won't get the idea that she can play us off of each other. We started with the consulting each other on money when we had none. LOL. We had a set limit of $25 when we first got married. We were so poor. Then it increased over time. Now we just run big stuff through, like cars, etc. but it's still nice when he just says "Hey heads up, I just bought X for $Y" or whatever. I guess it's just so ingrained now we do it without thinking. Toys and movies, I was a sucker for that. Now I say no more often because teens have really expensive "toys"!
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Post by crazy4scraps on Jul 26, 2015 15:08:12 GMT
We started with the consulting each other on money when we had none. LOL. We had a set limit of $25 when we first got married. We were so poor. Then it increased over time. Now we just run big stuff through, like cars, etc. but it's still nice when he just says "Hey heads up, I just bought X for $Y" or whatever. I guess it's just so ingrained now we do it without thinking. Toys and movies, I was a sucker for that. Now I say no more often because teens have really expensive "toys"! While we could afford to buy her pretty much anything she wants, we don't just on principle. We didn't want to be the parents that buy their kid something every time we go to the store. It's pretty funny because now she's so used to not getting anything that she'll look at something she likes and say, "...but we're not getting it today." And put it back on her own! Every once in a while, I like to throw her for a loop and say, "Go ahead and put it in the cart. We'll get that today." The trick is for it to be an unexpected treat and not just a given. We're hoping it makes life easier for us later when the "toys" are more expensive!
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Post by anxiousmom on Jul 26, 2015 15:12:48 GMT
I am not married, but my ex and I do have 'areas of operation' (learned that new term from the boot camp boy...LOL) that we tend to, not defer exactly, but do tend to go along with decisions in that area without much discussion. For example, I have kids that are much braver than I am. Jump from an airplane? Oh hell no. Dad? He is more likely to say 'sure, let's go next weekend.' If it is one of those things that I consider risk taking behavior, my answer is almost always going to be no, but my ex is almost always going to say yes, and then do it with the kids. So I typically let him be the one to make the decisions in that area because I will say no because *I* am scared. On the other hand, school and social life decisions typically are mine. He rarely disagrees with anything I think is okay. If he has reservations, he will bring them up, but generally those reservations are like mine with the risk taking behaviors, reservations based on something that may not be rational-so we talk about it, and more often than not, I make the final decision. Funny isn't it? Not married to the man and still has to navigate the same roads that we would if had stayed married. I think this is an incredible way to raise your kids together even though you are no longer married. I bet your kids are pretty well adjusted and happy, and that when they are adults they will realize how lucky and amazing you two were as parents! And I'm glad I'm not alone in some irrational thought processes that I just have to let the other person take over. Oh, we still have our issues, but they are mostly *our* issues and we keep it away from the kids. These days one is an adult and the other 17 so we are almost done. LOL I think the kids have turned out pretty well. I asked the younger boy the other if he ever had regrets that his parents hadn't stayed together and he said 'no way, I don't know how y'all ever got together in the first place, you are too different and it would have been miserable for all of us' so I think that they get it.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 26, 2015 15:48:25 GMT
I have 3 teens and there are ALWAYS kids in my house. I cannot even tell you how much I spend in groceries or you all would be disgusted. I'm a single parent and I want my kids where I can see them and I know what they are and are NOT doing. My high credit card is worth every cent to me because it's better than any of the alternatives.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 26, 2015 19:10:46 GMT
I pretty much take on most of the situations. It effects me more since I'm the one running them to places or making sure we enough snacks on hand or things for meals/baking or whatever they want to do. DH is very easy going and doesn't mind having others around.
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Post by Kelpea on Jul 26, 2015 19:38:35 GMT
My son, 15, always has his budddies over. Which is why I coupon now. I use the Harris Teeter Deals group on FB, and can save about 45% a week. THANK GOD.
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 26, 2015 19:50:02 GMT
My husband and I felt the same about our daughter's boyfriend. He was welcome anytime! Isn't it great when you really enjoy your son's girlfriend or daughter's boyfriend! See, this will be perfect for me. Boyfriends/Girlfriends will get an automatic "No" to a sleepover but are welcome all the rest of the time. haha. Perfect! My husband takes the kids (gf included) for sleepovers on the boat. We have a speedboat that can sleep several people in a marina about an hour away from here. At first I thought it was odd that her mom was okay with her going, but her mom trusts her and my husband was her (gf) teacher for a couple of years and the mom trusts my husband. We also took her to Jamaica for a week. I always make sure that there are separate sleeping arrangements though and she has never spent the night at our house. Had you asked me before I had kids if I would have ever taken a girlfriend on a trip I would have said no! My husband was the one who suggested it.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Jul 26, 2015 20:02:55 GMT
I have 3 teens and there are ALWAYS kids in my house. I cannot even tell you how much I spend in groceries or you all would be disgusted. I'm a single parent and I want my kids where I can see them and I know what they are and are NOT doing. My high credit card is worth every cent to me because it's better than any of the alternatives. I love kids in my house.right up until bedtime. I am always out of food and my boy isn't a teen just yet...
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 26, 2015 20:16:30 GMT
I don't have a particular thing I always defer to DH on. But, he rarely has a strong opinion that differs from mine, so if he does, I often defer to him, since I usually get what I want.
I do defer to him on our schedule, because of his health issues. He knows what he can handle.
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Post by peasapie on Jul 26, 2015 20:32:35 GMT
I have two scenarios that come to mind. I don't like sci fi or superhero movies, and my husband does. I don't want to sit through them, so I send him off on his own to enjoy the popcorn and the movie. He's ok with that.
Also, I don't like to hang out with his friends, who mostly like to talk about things like (see above), so I tell him to feel free to join them for dinner or whatever and I'll see him later.
It's amazing we have anything in common, but we do -- as long as he doesn't have to hang out with my art friends and I don't have to go to see Spiderman movies.
ETA: I just realized I probably misunderstood what you are asking. I don't defer to him on things, no. Our kids are older so we pretty much just make decisions for ourselves.
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Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 26, 2015 22:52:44 GMT
We have a couple of issues. Anything related to home repair or home improvement I defer to him. I tell him want I want and share my thoughts, but ultimately I leave the final decisions up to him because he really knows better what will work and how it will work.
On the flipside, he leaves all large financial decisions up to me. He will tell me when there is something he needs or wants and I am the person who usually decides if it's OK to purchase. This is mostly because I handle all the money and he is pretty hands off with the finances and it's his choice not to be involved. I admit, though, that I can be something of a scrooge. Like recently we discussed buying a new dishwasher. He went to a Sears outlet and found one that was really cheap because it was used and returned for some unknown reason. Then he went to home depot and found a couple of others that were more expensive but had warranties. Finally, we went to Menards and found the same dishwasher as the returned one but brand new and under warranty. I let him make the final call on which dishwasher we ended up getting. My scrooge self wanted the cheapest option, but he thought it better to have that brand new one from Menards. It was cheaper than the home depot ones but it was brand new and had the warranty. So sometimes when it comes to financial stuff, it's not that we can't afford it, it's that I don't want to spend the money and I'm being miserly. I can at least recognize that in myself and let him have the final call.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 13:40:12 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2015 23:02:42 GMT
My husband and I make a good team. He's actually the one to run stuff by me first because I have a better understanding of schedules, finances, planning, etc. if the kids ask him for pretty much anything he will check with me first or at least ask if they've talked to me. (Because sometimes they have and I've told then it's up to their dad) The only area where I completely defer to him is anything technology or electronic related (he's in IT) and I really don't care about getting involved. :-) This is exactly how my DH and I operate. The kids love their tablets and video games. I couldn't care less than I already do about stuff like that. DH handles all of their requests for new games and does the research on whether the games are appropriate for kids their ages. He might describe something to me to get my input, but pretty much it's all on him.
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