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Post by beepdave on Jul 26, 2015 20:36:28 GMT
A little background: My Dad is now married to his 3rd wife. He and my Mom split after I was married and out of the house (I have three younger sisters.) He remarried about 8 years later and then divorced 4 years after that. He remarried his current wife a couple of years ago. She has adult children (not sure how many) and before they met she adopted four special needs children - two of whom are non-verbal and confined to wheelchairs.
Since they married, my Dad has basically stopped communicating with his four girls (and two grandchildren, one of whom he has never met.) We were able to get him to meet up with three of us for Father's Day for a quick dinner, but we haven't heard from him since. I've tried calling a few times, but he never returns messages. He has replied to posts on FB, so I know he's around somewhere.
Yesterday was my birthday and there was no communication. Not a phone call, FB message, text or anything. It really hurts. We used to be so close. He even lived with my husband and me for a couple of months after he and my Mom split up until his new place was available.
Do I reach out or just let it be? I'm so hurt and conflicted.
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Post by annaintx on Jul 26, 2015 20:44:11 GMT
I didn't want to read and run without giving you a {{{{{hug}}}}}. I am sorry.  |
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amom23
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Post by amom23 on Jul 26, 2015 20:44:27 GMT
From experience I know that you can't make him be the dad you want him to be. You can only accept him for what he is knowing that his issues are his and likely have nothing to do with you. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't hurt though. {{Hugs}}
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Post by gar on Jul 26, 2015 20:55:36 GMT
I'm sorry, that is horrible. I don't know if he will ever be different but what do I know. Could you ever talk to him about how you feel, do you think?
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breetheflea
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Post by breetheflea on Jul 26, 2015 20:55:54 GMT
I'm kind of in the same situation. My parents divorced when I was in my 20's, my dad remarried and I've seen him a handful of times since then. I can invite him to stuff but he always cancels at the last minute. I'm pretty sure he is in touch with my step-brother but not either of my sisters. I'm also pretty sure it has everything to do with my step-mom... He is on Facebook but rarely posts anything. I deleted her from Facebook because she was only interested in having 100's of fake accounts to play some poker game. She never posted anything.
I've basically decided if my dad wants a relationship HE can put in the effort... so far he hasn't bothered.
I guess my point is, you are not alone. It sucks.
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marianne
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Post by marianne on Jul 26, 2015 21:08:12 GMT
From experience I know that you can't make him be the dad you want him to be. You can only accept him for what he is knowing that his issues are his and likely have nothing to do with you. Doesn't mean the situation doesn't hurt though. {{Hugs}}  I'm sorry you're hurting and wanted to give you a ((hug)) too... unfortunately, your dad has shown you who he is... believe him, and save yourself from future pain. |
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 26, 2015 21:08:42 GMT
You should give him another chance. Try to see him without his wife around and tell him how you feel. If he still doesn't respond, then you have done what you should have. I cannot imagine taking on four additional children. He sounds like he could be overwhelmed and not thinking straight.
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Mystie
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Post by Mystie on Jul 26, 2015 21:11:02 GMT
That sounds so hurtful. I agree with 950nancy, reach out to him, give him a chance...and then you'll have a much better idea what to do. Big hugs to you.
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Post by gramasue on Jul 26, 2015 21:21:28 GMT
That sounds so hurtful. I agree with 950nancy, reach out to him, give him a chance...and then you'll have a much better idea what to do. Big hugs to you. I agree. And, when you do speak to him, say something along the lines of "Dad, I know you have a brand new life and lots of heavy responsibilities, but I'm still your daughter and I miss you". I hope he gets the message. |
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cycworker
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Post by cycworker on Jul 26, 2015 21:36:26 GMT
That sounds so hurtful. I agree with 950nancy, reach out to him, give him a chance...and then you'll have a much better idea what to do. Big hugs to you. I agree. And, when you do speak to him, say something along the lines of "Dad, I know you have a brand new life and lots of heavy responsibilities, but I'm still your daughter and I miss you". I hope he gets the message. I also agree. I would talk to him. |
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Post by originalvanillabean on Jul 26, 2015 21:40:24 GMT
I'm so sorry. Hugs to you.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 26, 2015 21:51:58 GMT
Not that it matters to your hurt, but you said "he remarried his current wife"===so, has he had 3 ceremonies, but 2 women? or just a slip in the writing and it is 3 women, 3 marriages..........
Regardless--are you warm to #3? The cruel reality is, if you are not accepting his current wife, he will not embrace you or your siblings.
I'd try to actually talk and keep it to "I" statements, or statements of, "When you___ then I feel ___"
No accusatory or blame statements (even if those are certainly legitimate statements).
"My birthday was yesterday. I really felt hurt when you didn't tell me happy birthday. I miss our conversations."
Maybe drop him some notes/text messages for awhile and try to be back in his life.
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Post by anniefb on Jul 26, 2015 21:55:04 GMT
I agree. And, when you do speak to him, say something along the lines of "Dad, I know you have a brand new life and lots of heavy responsibilities, but I'm still your daughter and I miss you". I hope he gets the message. I also agree. I would talk to him. I'd talk to him as well. Sending hugs - it's a really hard thing to deal with. |
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Post by tinydogmafia on Jul 26, 2015 22:00:15 GMT
Happy belated birthday to you!
I'm sorry about your dad. I know it hurts. (((Hugs)))
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Post by scrapbookdiva on Jul 26, 2015 22:06:44 GMT
(((Hugs)))
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Post by lindywholoveskids on Jul 26, 2015 22:18:45 GMT
I would have a hard time too. I'm sure you can call him right?
If there is no response then let it go - certainly very painful but what else can you do?
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Post by wholarmor on Jul 26, 2015 22:37:21 GMT
I might call him and ask him if everything's okay. Say you haven't heard from him for a while, and that you were surprised not to hear from him yesterday and wanted to check in on him.
My dad sounds similar to yours. He doesn't put in much effort to make contact with me- except now that he is on Facebook, he will randomly comment on my posts(usually snarky remarks, lol). It sucks, but I don't know that he treats my half-sisters any better(even though they live closer to him and see him more). He does send birthday cards to the kids and Christmas gift cards to our family, so at least we have that.
My husband's dad never calls or keeps in touch. It's all on my husband to call him and attempt contact, and he doesn't bother much to try anymore. We will be visiting him when he comes over to the West side before he leaves on his cruise. It will be seven years since we have seen him in person.
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azredhead
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Post by azredhead on Jul 26, 2015 22:44:43 GMT
Hugs!! i know what ya mean though. I have two of them. My step dad is more of a dad to me than my bio or even adopted dad. Adopted dad is trying to make relationship again but keepin it slow arms like cause like that it's hit and miss with birthdays special, occasions , etcc.. I don't want to have to expect it... it' just easier not to. So I just know I can from the one side and that's all that matters. Just keep in mind the people that do matter. But I understand the sting. If you want to mention it later - do so when you're not so bothered or can just say just so you know kinda thing..
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Post by k8smom on Jul 26, 2015 22:48:03 GMT
My kids have a similar relationship with their dad. We split up after two decades of marriage and he has remarried twice more. He had no interaction at all with the kids when he was married to #2, and now with #3 they have an occasional dinner. Sadly, they haven't really had a parental type relationship with their dad since the divorce, they describe it more like a distant relative relationship. I honestly think it's just carelessness, I don't think their dad is mindful that he's not playing an active role in the lives of his children. I think maybe they feel as though they have all the time in the world and since the bond is a permanent one with children, they feel like they have to devote their energy to building the marriage? I'm not sure either but I also know my kids have been hurt by it as well. Hugs to you! And happy belated birthday.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 26, 2015 22:59:18 GMT
It takes two people to have a relationship. Two people have to want it.
I'm sorry you're hurting.
You're where I was 25 yrs ago. My Dad could never keep my address or phone number. I'd be the one calling, sending cards, trying to set up times to visit.
He put zero effort into all that.
I told him how I felt. I told him how hurtful it was. It didn't matter. He continued to put zero effort.
Once I got pregnant (22 yrs ago) the realization came to me that I didn't want him in/out of the lives of my children. I never wanted to have to explain to them where he is and why we don't see him. I never wanted them to feel unimportant because he was incapable of being a responsible adult.
He didn't want a relationship. I, as an adult tried for YEARS to make him want a relationship.
Finally, I realized it just wasn't going to happen. I could continue to try, continue to be hurt, continue to tell him how hurt I was, continue to beat my head up against the wall...OR I could just accept that the father I loved disappeared a long time ago. The father I needed no longer existed.
For the first few years of our "estrangement", I still felt guilty. I wondered if I was making the right decision.
But now, I have absolutely no regrets. I have no idea where my father lives, or if he's even alive. I tell myself that yes, it's sad...but this is what he wanted. I do wonder if he has regrets. But I cannot think about that because I know that I gave all...hoping he'd give a little. I tried. I didn't just give 50% expecting 50% in return.
I don't hate him, nor do I wish him ill. I just do not care.
If I were in your shoes, I'd put it all out there, telling him that you miss the relationship you once had. I'd tell him that two people have to want a relationship to make it work. I'd then sit back and hear anything he had to say and then proceed with caution...being mindful to protect your heart. He's got to want it. If he doesn't, you can't make him want it. |
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Post by Sparki on Jul 27, 2015 1:28:07 GMT
From the other side of things, if you reject his wife, or even if you simply aren't warm to her, it WILL make a difference with your dad. I'm the new wife, and his children do NOT like me. They blame me and say that things are different now that he's married, but the truth is that it's too stressful for him to deal with their attitude. He feels that their rejection of me, is also a rejection of him. He said we are a package deal, and if they can't accept it, then it's their choice, he's not going to leave me behind or divorce me to make them happy. They haven't made any effort at all to get to know me - they just sling accusations that aren't even remotely true. From the other side of the coin - it hurts me tremendously to see them hurt their dad, and reject me, just because I'm not their mom. For what it's worth, these 'kids' are in their 40's.
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Post by Chips on Jul 27, 2015 2:29:46 GMT
Happy belated birthday Beepdave!!! Hope you day great and the you took some time for yourself to enjoy!
Big (((((hugs)))) about your Dad and I call him to check in and see how he is doing. I agree with what has already been said and having said that I would gloss over him not calling you on your Birthday.
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