It's so painful to watch ...

Hugs to you. I'm very sorry.

Well feel free to confront that behavior on behalf of your children. They will remember that you took up for them.

That must be very hard to watch....and frustrating of course. Would there be any point in writing any of it down....would he 'hear' it any better that way perhaps?

I'm sorry.

Obviously there is something else going on but by the time he figures out how bad he is behaving he may have destroyed relationships that will be difficult to heal. If you can't talk to him is there a friend or a close relative who could talk to him without him losing it?

By the way, you may want to remind him that just like his feelings are valid, so are yours and your children's.

Using the guise of therapy to validate his feelings and hurt others in the process is not okay.  There has to be a bigger issue at play here that he is not being honest about, and he is using his position of control as a parent to let his anger roll downhill to the kids... not cool!  Look up the characteristics of narcissistic behavior. If this seems to be applicable, there isn't anything that can be done to change his personality, but he can, and should, learn to modify his behavior or he will end up a very lonely person blaming everyone but himself for his circumstances.  Hugs to you and the kids.   

Hugs, great big ones, to you. Though my ducks have been lined up for some time now, I am afraid that they now need to start marching. Ugh. I hate this and I hate it for you. 

Perhaps this would only make things worse, but I'd be documenting the hell out of this behavior.  My first thought was that you should record him when he's acting like this and play it back to him, that perhaps if he actually saw it from an outside view maybe he would realize that he's becoming a bullying a**hole.  But that might make him angry and aggressive. Has he ever been violent at all?

Then my thought was that documenting this stuff might be useful during any divorce proceedings.  And handy to have if there are any doubters who haven't lived your marriage and think you are blowing things out of proportion or making things up, etc..

And repeat over and over that his feelings are valid but so are all of yours and they are not a license to abuse or bully.

He either needs the harsh wake-up call of his family leaving him or he just won't care.  Either way, you'll get some peace eventually.

People behave in a way that gets them a payoff.  I'm not certain what his is but I can tell it's at the expense of those around him and that's unacceptable.

As for the not being allowed to now the therapists name?  That almost sounds like a man with something to hide, like an affair.  There's no logic behind it:  if money from my my household is paying those bills, I'm gonna know if I am so inclined.  Is insurance paying for it?  There are ways to find out.

Good luck.  I know this is a terrible situation.  But you can't let it continue, especially for your kids.  Aside from the fact that staying would basically mean asking your son to endure this for another two years, they will always remember how you let him treat them and yourself.  You are modeling how to act for them and what a relationship should and shouldn't be.  When you find yourself waffling, or the thought of all the paperwork or being alone gets to be too much, remember that your family deserves better than this.

I very much agree with all of this.

hugs..... I would stand up for your children. I don't care who it is if any body was doing that to my children I would come unhinged on them. Even if it was my husband. Therapy only works if the person want it to work.

Is he depressed? Anxiety? Is he under a lot of stress at work? When was the last time he had a physical and bloodwork?

Unfortunately, it sounds like he is being completely unreasonable. So, even if you suggested he try medication (for depression /anxiety if that is the issue) he may not be open to it.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'd also consider divorce if he continues this horrible behavior without considering changing it.

Don't blame the therapist.  He has to do his own work and sounds like he isn't.  No therapist can fix asshole.

The problem is he seems to think that only his feelings are the valid ones. Your feelings and the feelings of the kids are just as valid.

And respect begets respect. He can't treat the people around him like dirt under his shoes and then expect them to respect him. 

Reminds me of my ex. 

Jen

I am so sorry that you and your kids are going through this...your husband sounds like he is hard to deal with at best, and a true bully at worst.  His behavior is damaging your children and you need to advocate for them, or remove them from the situation.  I agree that you may have to get those ducks in a row and get out.  None of you deserve to live like this, and, as Dr. Phil would say, he is re-writing the slate of your children's lives with his abhorrent behavior and bullying.   

If he chooses not to do the work to improve himself and his attitude, you may very well have to make a very hard choice.  Everyone deserves to be treated better than this.

Best of luck and hugs to you all.  I hope you can make him see the damage he is doing and work on healing.