AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,969
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
|
Post by AnotherPea on Jul 27, 2015 14:24:19 GMT
My DH ( not so d right now actually ) has picked fights with both Kids every weekend lately. He acts worse than the two teens, his responses have been so immature, rude, condescending etc. I can't say anything or I'm 'ganging upon him' he won't listen even at a different/calmer time. It's so painful to watch I can't bear it anymore. Both kids avoid him. And DH keeps telling me no one respects him. I want to shout 'Well of course not, your being an ass.' But I don't. He wouldn't listen anyway. I'm just venting. I'm very sad, I thought therapy would help. Not so much. Now all we hear is 'this is how I feel, my feelings are valid' While that may be true, that doesn't mean you have to share them and share them in the most hurtful way possible. The things he says are just plain mean. He's destroying any relationships he had left because he just continues to be an ass. I really don't know what to do anymore. I'm sorry I stepped away from a relationship because a woman liked to "speak the truth in love" a little too much. She was very mean-girl about it - just like when we were teens - but felt justified to be hurtful because she was speaking "in love." Someone "validated" her feelings too. She'd say things like "you need to do something with your hair - it is outdated and unkempt. I speak the truth in love." "Your kid has no athletic talent - I speak the truth in love." "If you want to find a husband, you need to lose weight first. I speak the truth in love." "You should bring napkins to the next potluck. You can't cook at all. I speak the truth in love." UGGGHH!!!
|
|
|
Post by lucyg on Jul 27, 2015 14:37:36 GMT
I'm so sorry. No advice other than I think you know what you need to do.
And I do agree with the PP who suggested a complete physical and blood work for DH before any further decisions are made or treatment is sought. That's the place to start.
|
|
peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390
Aug 16, 2014 23:15:53 GMT
|
Post by peaname on Jul 27, 2015 14:41:58 GMT
How does he treat you if he treats the kids that way?
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Jul 27, 2015 14:45:56 GMT
As someone who was married to a guy who was really unkind, I can say (only from my perspective) how much happier I was when the negative was removed from life. It is really easy to arm chair quarterback other people's relationships and say what I think should happen, but the reality is that there are nuances that I don't have access to so my advice could be way off base. The best thing I can tell you is to make a pro and con list based on having him there or not there-and then consider what your life in five years would be like with or without him. Between the two, my guess is that you will have a pretty clear idea on which way your ducks should waddle.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 13:39:40 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2015 14:50:44 GMT
hugs..... I would stand up for your children. I don't care who it is if any body was doing that to my children I would come unhinged on them. Even if it was my husband. Therapy only works if the person want it to work. Yep....my inner mama bear would be coming out
|
|
|
Post by Darcy Collins on Jul 27, 2015 15:05:03 GMT
Your post reminded me of a conversation I had recently with a friend who has children just a bit younger (15 and 13). He mentioned that he was having the hardest time of his life with fatherhood. He felt like he was constantly in disciple mode, and yelling at the kids. They were preparing to go on vacation, and he was really hoping to reconnect. You could see that he genuinely wanted a different dynamic with his kids, but was struggling with fear they were going to spiral out of control if he was too much of a "friend" and in general was just at a loss at how to deal with them as they were transitioning. I have no idea of the history of your husband OP, if he's always been difficult to deal with or this is a new occurrence. I just wanted to share the anecdote in case your husband was going through a difficult adjustment with the teen years. I think sometimes parents really struggle with their children's independence and they try to exert more and more control as the children pull away. If it's that type of situation, I would highly recommend family therapy. It might be much more beneficial than therapy alone. If he's always been difficult - and in some of your posts it sounds more like emotional abuse than just a difficult relationship, I agree with several previous posters that your primary job as a parent is to protect your children. They should not be subjected to bullying and harassment from anyone.
|
|
|
Post by peano on Jul 27, 2015 15:12:33 GMT
My DH ( not so d right now actually ) has picked fights with both Kids every weekend lately. He acts worse than the two teens, his responses have been so immature, rude, condescending etc. I can't say anything or I'm 'ganging upon him' he won't listen even at a different/calmer time. It's so painful to watch I can't bear it anymore. Both kids avoid him. And DH keeps telling me no one respects him. I want to shout 'Well of course not, your being an ass.' But I don't. He wouldn't listen anyway. I'm just venting. I'm very sad, I thought therapy would help. Not so much. Now all we hear is 'this is how I feel, my feelings are valid' While that may be true, that doesn't mean you have to share them and share them in the most hurtful way possible. The things he says are just plain mean. He's destroying any relationships he had left because he just continues to be an ass. I really don't know what to do anymore. You guys. How did we get to he's abusive and the OP should be getting her ducks in a row from "he's picked fights with both kids every weekend lately?" There's so little backstory here, not even the most experienced therapist in the world would make some of the pronouncements I'm reading here. Has he always been like this? If not, when did it start? What good qualities does he have and what originally attracted you to him? Was there a precipitating event that caused a change in his behavior-a work situation, a family situation, a social situation? Has he been abusive in other ways? Does he use/abuse alcohol or other drugs? Is he going to therapy of his own accord? Is he open to couples/family therapy? Have you considered therapy for yourself if he's not open to couples/family therapy? I, as I'm sure some of us here, are all guilty of being immature, rude and condescending from time to time. I would sure be sad about getting kicked to the curb for being human. Obviously, if there is significant abuse going on, or there's a substance abuse issue, that would make me more concerned.
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Jul 27, 2015 15:16:08 GMT
I'm sorry. When you say you don't know what to do, I disagree. You do know. You have to create a peaceful home for yourself and your children. If that means without your husband, so be it.
Do not live like this.
I don't say this lightly, dear pea friend.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 13:39:40 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2015 15:17:35 GMT
Maybe because the OP herself said that! hop2 I'm sorry you're going through this, I'd have a hard time staying with a man who's unkind.
|
|
MorningPerson
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,537
Location: Central Pennsylvania
Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
|
Post by MorningPerson on Jul 27, 2015 15:31:18 GMT
I stepped away from a relationship because a woman liked to "speak the truth in love" a little too much. She was very mean-girl about it - just like when we were teens - but felt justified to be hurtful because she was speaking "in love." Someone "validated" her feelings too. She'd say things like "you need to do something with your hair - it is outdated and unkempt. I speak the truth in love." "Your kid has no athletic talent - I speak the truth in love." "If you want to find a husband, you need to lose weight first. I speak the truth in love." "You should bring napkins to the next potluck. You can't cook at all. I speak the truth in love." UGGGHH!!! What a friend you had there! Good for you for having enough self-respect to step away.
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on Jul 27, 2015 16:14:21 GMT
Obviously there is something else going on but by the time he figures out how bad he is behaving he may have destroyed relationships that will be difficult to heal. If you can't talk to him is there a friend or a close relative who could talk to him without him losing it? By the way, you may want to remind him that just like his feelings are valid, so are yours and your children's. I don't think I can say it any better than this. Completely agree.
|
|
scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,956
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
|
Post by scrappert on Jul 27, 2015 16:45:15 GMT
Gosh, that behavior brings back some memories, I dealt with that, too. I did finally leave and it was only after that did I realize the abuse I was taking. I don't think my leaving has changed him at all, but I know I am happier. You have to do what's best for you and the kids. Who cares what is best for him at this point. He surely is not thinking about you all. Good luck to you. You will be in my thoughts. I will send you some cyber strength for the decisions you will have to make.
Hugs to you.
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Jul 27, 2015 17:06:46 GMT
It's painful for me to know people live like this. I abhor jackassish people. I can't imagine sharing my life with one or raising my child with one. That is no way to live. I grew up in a home I couldn't stand. It was hard to live there as a child. I am very sorry you and your children have this in your lives.
|
|
happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
|
Post by happymomma on Jul 27, 2015 17:33:26 GMT
I just want to tell you this: When we are in a marriage, with kids, we are teaching them that THIS is what a marriage should look like. That this is what they should accept later in their own relationships. I stayed in my first marriage much too long, showing my son that disrespect and bickering and cruel or unkind words as a way of life was "normal" and acceptable. Oh, how I wish I had gotten out sooner. I stayed 'for the child' until he was 17. The result? The relationships my son has had with women up until this recent one, have been full of disrespect and unkindness on both sides. But that was what he saw growing up. Thankfully, he has finally gotten into a healthy relationship and I am AMAZED at the changes and how happy he is. How happy they both are. Thankfully, the cycle was broken. That doesn't always happen though.
I was raised in a home where my mom was a bully, I guess you could say. There was also physical abuse, mental, emotional abuse. But that is what I learned to accept as normal. I had no self esteem. That is why I stayed married the first time so long. It was a miserable existence from age 17-38. That should not have been but I can't get those years back.
|
|
|
Post by eversograceful1 on Jul 27, 2015 17:34:52 GMT
I think we might be married to the same man. I'm sorry and I totally understand.
|
|
georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
|
Post by georgiapea on Jul 27, 2015 19:41:16 GMT
There will quite likely be lasting damage to your relationship with the children if they feel you are not standing up for them. When my father would hit me, my mother would walk into another room like she didn't care. In actuality, she was terrified of him but that's not how I understood her lack of concern to be at the time It left a damaged relationship I never got over.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Jul 27, 2015 21:42:04 GMT
He is not physically abusive. I meant verbal 'fights' physical fights wouldn't cut it ever. I guess I ought to have used the word argument.
But it's really hard to see him have a huge arguenment with one kid then an hour later with the other and so on. The kids aren't really doing anything wrong. They just answered to quickly which he interprets as snapping at him. Or they didn't immediately respond which he interprets as ignoring him. ( you see the issue with those statements? ) he demands 'respect' but then he can whine 'sooooreeeer' at then like a 12 yo and they are not allowed to have an issue with that.
The biggest issue is not actually the arguments or the rudeness. It's the fact that no matter how calmly we tell him how hurtful he is being he doesn't seem to care. It's always turned around that we atent respecting his valud feeling or we are hanging up on him. He has no desire to change. Doesn't think he is in the wrong at all.
And yes I did say I probably ought to work on lining my ducks up. I can't see any other options if he refuses to consider changing.
|
|