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Post by sunraynnc on Jul 28, 2015 4:56:09 GMT
DD's boyfriend of over a year leaves for his Freshman year of college next month. She will be a Senior in HS. They have agreed to break up when he goes. It it is so sad to hear her cry herself to sleep! I know there are much worse things, but it hurts when your kid is hurting. They are doing the right thing...he'll be over 3 hours away. I told her they both owe it to themselves & everyone goes through it and survives. (I'm trying not to say too much, just give hugs.) I also want her to choose a college that SHE wants, not just to be near him. She agrees that she doesn't want to be "that girl" that follows her bf to college & everyone deserves the "full college experience." That's what she says when she's feeling strong. I do feel they are truly in love. They managed a year apart while he was in boarding school. He's her first real bf & she calls him her buddy. They are best friends. We have loved him & treated him like a son...he eats more than my real son! His family situation is difficult, so I believe he will miss us too. Thanks for reading...I feel better just typing this out. DH is useless in the teenage dd drama department. Any advice from moms that have btdt? Also, any stories of HS sweethearts that "made" it?
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Post by 950nancy on Jul 28, 2015 5:01:18 GMT
I went through it from your daughter's point of view. You are right it is the best thing for both of them. That does not make it any easier.
My son and his gf are attending the same college. He is going to stay in the dorms, so that makes me happy. She'll be living at home. They dated all through high school and she really kept him on track. I am anxious to see how this all plays out.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 13:31:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 5:06:06 GMT
That's got to be hard to watch. I'm sorry. I have three sets of friends who dated in high school, broke up at the beginning of college, and ended up getting back together at various points after college and getting married. Those couples have been married between 12 and 20 years. I also know two couples who dated all through high school and college, then got married. Both are now divorced. So, in my very narrow experience, what they are doing is more likely to lead to a long term happy outcome
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 28, 2015 5:09:43 GMT
My SIL met her DH while in high school. They went to separate colleges and dated others and still wound up together. They now have 3 kids together.
My sister also met her DH while in high school and have been married probably about 40 years.
DD leaves for school next month too and I'm very glad there isn't a boyfriend to say gooodbye to. As a mom, I feel your anguish having to witness this. There is no easy way to get through it but just be there, maybe offer an ice cream trip or something. Just let her know that you know it's serious and not just a passing teen thing.
They are making the right choice by going to different schools.
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Post by ScrapsontheRocks on Jul 28, 2015 5:10:14 GMT
I have no stories to tell, just a comment that they are a wise pair indeed. I am sure it is a wrench, but this way they can enjoy each other's company when he comes home for the holidays and such (I hope?) without all the interrogation of who did what at college/ school. I am not expressing this well; I hope they can stay in touch and see only happy snippets of each other so that when they reconnect in the future, if they do, they can skip the baggage. You sound like a good Mom, BTW.
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Post by leslie132 on Jul 28, 2015 5:16:42 GMT
My nephew and his then girlfriend went to HS prom their senior year. It was their first date. My nephew was quiet and kept to himself. She was blonde, pretty and popular. We were afraid she would eat him alive!!
Fast forward til now....... They just turned 27 and celebrated their 1 year anniversary. They went to different schools 3.5 hours away. And then he went for further schooling when she came back home. It was a lot but they decided they were worth it. On all their years together to my knowledge they never had a break up.
The only sad part of their relationship was they got engaged and 2 days later her Mom died. She wasn't sick so it was a surprise to say the least.....and a very hard year for my now niece!
I'm sorry you have heartbreak. But your daughter is smart to make mature choices!!!
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valincal
Drama Llama
Southern Alberta
Posts: 5,763
Jun 27, 2014 2:21:22 GMT
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Post by valincal on Jul 28, 2015 5:35:03 GMT
My DS and his girlfriend of 18 months made the choice to break up last summer when each of them went to universities across the country from each other. I think DS really struggled not having her support but they agreed not to be in touch during the school year because it was too hard on them. My mama heart was hurting for both of them. They returned to Calgary in April and have been spending tons of time together this summer! I don't know what the future holds but I think they're handling things in a mature way. All we can do as parents is to be there as a sounding board and a shoulder to cry on when they need it. Hang in there!
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Post by FrozenPea on Jul 28, 2015 7:58:15 GMT
My dh & I are hs sweethearts. After graduation I moved to NY with my family (my dad was in the air force) & he moved to Arizona then back to Ak. I saw him 2x in the year and a half that we were apart. Lots of letter writing and phone calls.
We have been together 35 years and married for 27, Very happy and very much in love.
So it can happen.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 28, 2015 11:24:18 GMT
No matter what the circumstance, the first heartbreak is the worst. As a mom, I think maybe it's just as hard on us. They seem to be level headed and mature. Their experiences together will set a high bar for those they will date during their college years. Who knows they may ultimately find their way back together if it is meant to be.
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Post by myboysnme on Jul 28, 2015 11:55:26 GMT
What does breaking up mean to them? No contact at all? Dating others but getting together on school breaks? This could go a whole lot of ways, but most importantly, this is her senior year and he is done with all that. My son and his gf broke up after her first year of college because she grew apart from him and dumped him really hard.
Its good that they are going to each let the other enjoy these experiences of senior year and first year of college, but it wouldn't surprise me if they communicate all the time and get together on school breaks.
I would discourage her from making any trips to his college for homecoming or whatever, even if you go along.
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Post by peasapie on Jul 28, 2015 11:59:49 GMT
So mature of them to make this decision, though it must be terribly hard for her to be the one left behind. My son's school advised the same thing, and it was wise advice.
She he needs something to look forward to in her own life, if she doesnt already have it. Keep her talking and sharing her feelings.
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Post by pierkiss on Jul 28, 2015 12:01:42 GMT
I'm sorry your daughter is so sad. For what it's worth, I met my boyfriend towards the end of my senior year (I had like 3 weeks to go). We started dating, and at the end of that 1st summer we did not break up. He went back to his school that was about 10-12 hrs away, and I went off to my school. We did the long distance relationship thing for 2 years. He wound up transferring to my school because he changed his major and his school didn't have that program. He picked my school because it had the best program in the state for that major, not because of me. We continued dating for the next 2 years. Then, after the 4th year, he went off to grad school in FL. So we were back to the long distance relationship for another year. After that year I wound up in grad school in FL as well. Not really because of him, but because that program had the top professor in the country for our field. We dated a few more years, and then we got married. We'll celebrate 10 married years this summer (16 years together total). Sometimes things work out.
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Post by gritzi on Jul 28, 2015 12:28:11 GMT
We were high school sweethearts, made it through (minus one short break up) while he was at college & I was in high school. Soon we will celebrate our 29th wedding anniversary.
Wishing the best for your daughter! I know her heart is breaking now.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 28, 2015 13:13:25 GMT
Can you find things to keep her busy for a while? School shopping, visiting colleges, a weekend girls trip?
It's hard!
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Post by jackie on Jul 28, 2015 13:28:46 GMT
Keep her busy, encourage her to socialize with her friends, maybe sign her up for an activity or class that she's always wanted to try (cake decorating, dance--I'm thinking stuff I think my teen might think is fun), plan an adventure (my dh and dd just did a little backpacking trip), but also let her grieve and be sad. Just comfort her during those times. Not that I think you will, but please don't minimize her pain. I think as adults we tend to do that with teens and their love issues and problems. They seem so much smaller to us, but from their perspective they're just as big. It hurts as much as our grownup problems of divorce, infidelity, etc.
I thought my mom was about the best mom in the world, but when I broke up with my first love in high school I thought she dropped the ball a little. She treated it as if it were a very small issue. I know she meant well with saying things about how it was just puppy love and I would find someone better for me later in life, there are plenty of fish in the sea, yada yada. And of course I did find someone else--the love for my dh eclipses anything I had for that first love. But at the time it felt almost like a death. I was so very, very sad. Honestly it took YEARS before I really got completely over him. I dated other people, fell in love, but there was something so intense about that first heartbreak.
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Post by PeachStatePea on Jul 28, 2015 13:41:17 GMT
I love that you are supportive of your daughter. I went through the same thing except I was the one who went 12 hours away to college while my BF stayed home. We broke up when I left and didn't even see each other when I came home on breaks. When I was at school it was difficult, the break up and homesickness were a lot to deal with. When I came home it was worse, though, seeing him from a distance with friends. My mom's attitude was basically "Suck it up and get over it already" which wasn't helpful or supportive. Still hurts.
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Post by lily on Jul 28, 2015 13:43:30 GMT
YES THIS!! same exact thing happened to me with my boyfriend of over 2 years in high school! To this day I don't know why he broke up with me...I have a feeling our parents (who were friends) told him to.
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Post by maryland on Jul 28, 2015 13:45:50 GMT
That's so hard!
I remember my neighbor going through this with her son a couple years ago. He and his girlfriend hadn't been going out as long as your situation, but he was 18, and it was his very first girlfriend. They decided to break up in the summer before college (both going to different colleges, each an hour from home). He was devastated! But he went off to college and met a very nice girl and they have been dating a year and they couldn't be happier. There usually are happy endings, but so sad to see our sons and daughters go through this. And as parents, we also get attached to the boyfriends/girlfriends, so it's hard for us too.
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Post by littlefish on Jul 28, 2015 13:51:45 GMT
No personal experience, but I would just encourage you to be available. I tend to keep quiet until I'm ready to talk about/work through something.
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Post by worrywart on Jul 28, 2015 13:52:51 GMT
I'm glad that they are thoughtful and mature enough to do this.
My ds and his gf were in the same situation last year and did not break up. He is 3+ hours away and she was a senior, but is now graduated. They are still 'together' but honestly even though I think she is great, they need to break up to fully experience their lives at this time.
Sorry she is so sad..I think it is harder being the one 'left behind'!!
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janeliz
Drama Llama
I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me.
Posts: 5,641
Jun 26, 2014 14:35:07 GMT
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Post by janeliz on Jul 28, 2015 13:54:42 GMT
I think they've made a smart decision, as hard as it will be. I went off to college in a long distance relationship, and I will absolutely advise my girls against doing the same thing. It added so much unnecessary drama and strife to my first few years there.
Just be there for her when she needs you. I could always tell my mom was uncomfortable with talking to me about heartbreak and relationship troubles, and it would have been nice to have her there to just listen and offer a hug or two.
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hannahruth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,680
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Aug 29, 2014 18:57:20 GMT
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Post by hannahruth on Jul 28, 2015 14:25:47 GMT
DH and I were together in high school and he then moved interstate and then overseas for the next three years. We saw each other when he came home for break and wrote letters and made phone calls. When he returned home we were engaged and then married in the next six months and have celebrated our 43rd anniversary in April.
my take on this is that if it is meant to work it will.
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peabay
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,878
Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Jul 28, 2015 14:45:35 GMT
Oh, it's so hard to parent through a heartbreak.
My oldest dd's was so awful she didn't date again for almost 4 years. She is now in a healthy, happy relationship -but boy, I would've hunted down and squashed boy #1 if he'd ruined her for life!
Your two sound much healthier about it. One of my closest friends and her high school boyfriend took a 'break" during college. They saw each other on break, but operated under a "don't ask, don't tell" policy while at college (different colleges.) Once out of college, they promptly got engaged and have been married almost 30 years. It happens!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 13:31:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2015 16:37:21 GMT
Aw, hugs to both.
As the song goes , what will be , will be.
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Post by Basket1lady on Jul 28, 2015 16:53:51 GMT
I agree that if they are meant to be together, it will happen. And I truly believe that a relationship built on friendship is worth it all.
DH and I starting dating at the end of our junior year. We dated all through the rest of HS and 4 years of college. He went to the AF Academy and I was in college in MN. We spoke on the phone once a week and write tons of letters. And we saw each other on breaks. We were engaged the fall of our junior year and married a month after graduation. We have been married 25 years as of last month.
I don't regret staying together. We had a "date" every Saturday night in college. If something came up, we talked a different time. But 25+ years ago, we didn't have access to email or texts. DH was only allowed to call on the weekends that first year, so there was very little of us waiting around for each other to call. I'm not so sure how it would be now with instant access.
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Post by supersoda on Jul 28, 2015 18:13:27 GMT
No advice, but I'm in pretty much the exact same situation. Except they don't know what is happening with their relationship when he goes off to school. It's her first boyfriend and they're both still figuring out this relationship thing. Even if they don't break up, it's going to be a tough transition. They are working at the same place this summer and get to see each other almost every day right now. (He lives in another town, so they didn't get to see each other much during the school year.)
I dread seeing her heartbroken when he leaves, although I do wish they would make a clean break on good terms like your kids are doing.
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Post by ilikepink on Jul 28, 2015 18:15:19 GMT
One of my boys was with a girl for two years who was a year ahead of him in HS. When she went off to college (about 2 hours away), they stayed together. I was very proud of them--they saw each other once a month or so. She did refuse to go to his prom with him, though..lol. After he went to college, they made it to Thanksgiving break, and then broke up. Still friends, but it was so hard to watch him go through it.
A necessary part of growing up, unfortunately.
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Post by k8smom on Jul 28, 2015 18:25:58 GMT
My ds dated the same girl from their freshman year of high school through their junior year of college. They went to different colleges and only saw each other the occasional weekend and holidays. Eventually she cheated on him and they broke up, but I totally get being young and separated by distance... and never thought it was a good idea to stay together in the first place. They are going to grad school in different states as well... I think sometimes a break is the best way to go. If they find it isn't the way to go... they will find their way back together.
I found that going through my kid's breakups was a lot more traumatizing for me than I'd anticipated! Not only for my kiddos but because we'd all grown to really love their boy/girl friends.
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Jul 28, 2015 18:28:43 GMT
Give her lots of hugs
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Post by chlerbie on Jul 28, 2015 18:53:03 GMT
Yes, went through it with my stepdaughter and it was SO hard, but in the end was the best thing for both of them. They both moved on Ishe's married!) and have became friends again now that they're adults.
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