scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 12, 2015 16:02:45 GMT
Possibly furnish it with a few pieces from Target? I don't recommend this.... Having liost her home, having some familiar and cherished possessions will be comforting. Really! Would YOU want to lose everything you own and live in a "target" room? Sorry, I know it won't be easy, but it must be done. I agree with those who suggest you ask the facility. And do try to take some of her favorite pieces. You will probably need a twin bed, but her own dressers and shelf or cabinet for some of her own possessions will be helpful.
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 12, 2015 16:47:41 GMT
Truly one of the more difficult things to have go through - for all of you
My dad was 4 hours away from me, and less and less able to care for himself. Physically, he was fine, but couldn't remember/reason very well. We had many conversations about what we might do "in the future", and decided together that a facility would be best. After a scary episode in the hospital (he walked out), I found a wonderful place. He went there, on his own, to have lunch and look around. More than once I pointed out to him that they would take care of the laundry and give him meals (cooking and laundry were becoming problems). I wanted it to be his decision when he went, but it needed to be soon, so I set up for when he was going. His friends moved him in, with as much of his furniture as we all thought he needed/would fit. It took a few months, but he adjusted. After more than year, he moved to the memory care unit, which is where he passed away in April. Having him there was the best decision I could have made for him.
Trust the facility and the people there to help with the move and transition. They do this daily, and can help you with everything.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 13, 2015 16:37:00 GMT
I don't recommend this.... Having liost her home, having some familiar and cherished possessions will be comforting. Really! Would YOU want to lose everything you own and live in a "target" room? Sorry, I know it won't be easy, but it must be done. I agree with those who suggest you ask the facility. And do try to take some of her favorite pieces. You will probably need a twin bed, but her own dressers and shelf or cabinet for some of her own possessions will be helpful. I'm probably the wrong person to direct that to as I move frequently and have neither a problem with Target furnishings or a problem with abandoning furnishings. So yes. I am fine with it. In fact, if you are lying about her staying there and it not being a temporary thing, I don't see that you have a choice. How do you manage to say that it is just for a little while and dismantle her home in front of her? Now regarding not lying to her in the first place, I'm right there with you.Having been there, done that with my own mom who had Alzheimer's, oftentimes it really can't be helped. The person may have severely limited short term memory like my mom did, and telling them the painful truth over and over again just makes the person perennially upset and sad. There is no good reason to do this, and we were advised by nurses, her doctor and other elder care professionals NOT to tell the truth if doing so would only cause mom mental anguish. Our goal was to make our visits with her and her remaining time with us on earth pleasant and happy. It worked for us. She's gone now and I don't regret it for one second because it helped make her last year happier for her. You do what you have to do.
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Post by Flowergirl on Aug 13, 2015 16:59:22 GMT
I'm probably the wrong person to direct that to as I move frequently and have neither a problem with Target furnishings or a problem with abandoning furnishings. So yes. I am fine with it. In fact, if you are lying about her staying there and it not being a temporary thing, I don't see that you have a choice. How do you manage to say that it is just for a little while and dismantle her home in front of her? Now regarding not lying to her in the first place, I'm right there with you.Having been there, done that with my own mom who had Alzheimer's, oftentimes it really can't be helped. The person may have severely limited short term memory like my mom did, and telling them the painful truth over and over again just makes the person perennially upset and sad. There is no good reason to do this, and we were advised by nurses, her doctor and other elder care professionals NOT to tell the truth if doing so would only cause mom mental anguish. Our goal was to make our visits with her and her remaining time with us on earth pleasant and happy. It worked for us. She's gone now and I don't regret it for one second because it helped make her last year happier for her. You do what you have to do. I totally agree with you. It's our natural moral code NOT to lie to our parents, but Alzheimer's changes the rules completely. There is a method called "therapeutic lying" that caregivers can use to decrease stress on the person with Alzheimer's. This article (and I think someone here may have linked this at one point and I found it helpful and bookmarked it) explains it well and give other strategies for those caring for a loved one with Alzheimer's Strategies for dealing with Dementia
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 13, 2015 20:05:18 GMT
RE: your update
I am SO sorry. It sounds like she has been mentally ill for along time.
I'm wishing you better days.
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kate
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,583
Location: The city that doesn't sleep
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Aug 13, 2015 20:54:44 GMT
(((hugs))) Hang in there. You are truly walking through the fire. Praying for you all!
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Post by cindyupnorth on Aug 13, 2015 21:04:02 GMT
I'm sorry, I havn't followed all of the story with your MIL. BUT if she is still able to drive, and get to places ok, and the Dr's are unwilling to take away her license, I think you are going to have an uphill battle trying to take over her care or move her.
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Post by scrapqueen01 on Aug 13, 2015 21:23:46 GMT
If the doctor is unwilling to take her license away can you guys take her car keys away? I would think the safety of others should come first.
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Post by mrssmith on Aug 13, 2015 21:34:03 GMT
YIKES! I'm so sorry you're dealing with that. Can the keys get "lost" next time you're there? Sounds like any moment she could be NOT able to drive and it doesn't sound like she's driving very safely as it is. I'm sorry I have no advice. HUGS to you. Glad your DH stepped up.
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,846
Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 13, 2015 21:39:39 GMT
After reading your update I'm so sorry it all went to blazes. She so needs to have her car keys taken away. I don't really think you need anyone's approval to do that - just take them, and remove the car in case she has other keys somewhere.
Best leave it all to your DH from now on. I just would not subject myself to her nasty disposition as long as he is available to handle her.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 4:22:52 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 21:42:27 GMT
Wow, what a mess. So sorry.
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Post by twinks on Aug 13, 2015 21:59:31 GMT
I am sorry that you are going through this. It is hard on everyone.
Just a suggestion: I learned that you can contact the DMV in her area and put in a request for a renewal of her driving privileges. She has to pass the written and driving test in order to keep her drivers license. I've not done this myself, but, I do know a friend who did this with their father. I believe they just explained the situation and the DMV took it from there. That way, you are not the "bad" guy. I wish that we would have known about this when we took my grandfather's license away as well as his car.
In the meantime, I don't think she should be driving around. I would see if someone (your husband??) couldn't "borrow" her car until you get things settled.
It is hard because you want the elder care physicians to step in and help and most times, they don't want to get involved into the everyday family issues. Social Workers can be invaluable in helping with resources and strategies to helping everyone make difficult transitions. Does the elder care physician have a suggestion to a social worker? What about the attorney?
Again, I am so sorry that you and your family are having to deal with all of this. It is so hard - on everyone. There sometimes is no great way to handle things.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 13, 2015 22:12:07 GMT
After reading your update I'm so sorry it all went to blazes. She so needs to have her car keys taken away. I don't really think you need anyone's approval to do that - just take them, and remove the car in case she has other keys somewhere. Best leave it all to your DH from now on. I just would not subject myself to her nasty disposition as long as he is available to handle her. What we did with my mom was took her in for a driving assessment at Courage Center. The first time we had it done, she still was allowed to drive locally, to church, the grocery store, etc. as long as it was during the day, only on city streets and as long as she didn't drive on the highway. Two years later we took her back because as few of us noticed a marked decrease in her functioning and that time they recommended that she not drive anymore at all. THEY sent the recommendation to her doctor and to the DMV. That was it, she was done. My sister took her keys away and I took her to the DMV to get a state issued photo ID--which she promptly ran through the shredder when it came in the mail because it had her name on it... sheesh--so it had to be reissued.
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Post by Butterfly Momma on Aug 13, 2015 22:25:58 GMT
I don't have any advice but just wanted to send you a big hug ... what a hard situation to deal with and I'm so sorry that yesterday didn't go anywhere close to plan
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 13, 2015 22:51:36 GMT
I have found with my husband's mom that I completely stay out of everything. I am there to support him, but know how stressful it is for the other siblings and his mom (who is not a big fan of mine). I listen to what he is thinking or tell him that the things he is going through are normal, but that is about it. Thankfully he totally steps up with what needs to be done and she is not combative about the situation so my role is much easier. He asked what I wanted from her house (they are emptying it today). I told him I didn't need anything. His sisters are already having arguments about what should go to which person. I need to give him a call and find out how it went today. He was anticipating some arguments.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Aug 13, 2015 23:00:22 GMT
((HUGS)) I am sorry you had to be on the receiving end of her nastiness.
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Post by moosedogtoo on Aug 14, 2015 1:06:09 GMT
You don't need a doctor to take the keys away. How are you going to feel if she kills herself or someone else? My mom was in this situation with her mom and it sucks, but you have to do it.
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Post by christine58 on Aug 14, 2015 1:25:48 GMT
Find a way to disable her car..pull the spark plugs...do something to it. I hope you can find a way to really help her. She needs to be safe...HUGS
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Post by onlywork2scrap on Aug 14, 2015 2:25:27 GMT
Popping back in to tell you to prepare yourself to go thru many different emotions. I came home one day and kicked something across the great room floor while shouting a long string of f-bombs. I felt so ashamed I acted like that. Now I realize I had to blow off steam. It's ok if you act like that. I cried too. No matter how mad or upset you get remind yourself you are trying to do the very best for her that you can. Find some time to be good to yourself.
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Post by tracyarts on Aug 14, 2015 14:10:04 GMT
I can emphathize. My husband's the only family member still living near a hateful, manipulative old bitch who has wrought emotional havoc by trying to manipulate and mind fuck people into letting her have her way in terms of how and where she will spend the last years of her life. She's not capable of taking care of herself any longer, but refuses to accept that and is taking it out on everyone around her. She's ran all of her friends off and damaged family relationships to the point where people only deal with her as much as they have to. Because she can't live the way she wants, she has acted out and made choices that are leading to the consequence of her spending the end of her life in social isolation and dying miserable and alone.
Bed. Made. Lie.
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Post by Flowergirl on Aug 14, 2015 15:20:59 GMT
Regarding your update: I'm so sorry. What an ordeal. It's such a stressful thing to navigate. I was also going to suggest disabling the car to buy some time to get things worked out.
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Nink
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,955
Location: North Idaho
Jul 1, 2014 23:30:44 GMT
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Post by Nink on Aug 14, 2015 15:38:09 GMT
We just kept telling my mom (who has Lewy Body Denmmentia) that she had taken care of others for so long, we wanted to make sure she was taken care of now. We told her it was like staying at a hotel where everyone there was going to wait on her and spoil her and she deserved it. I know that tactic may not work for everyone, but thankfully it did the trick and so far she's happy as a clam at her new place.
Eta: I just read your update. So sorry about that. Fortunately (knock on wood) my mom has exhibited absolutely no nastiness. She's still very sweet and compliant. I realize that may change down the road though. Hugs to you.
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Post by bc2ca on Aug 14, 2015 16:45:33 GMT
I am sorry you are going through all this. The most difficult time we had with my mom (currently living in a care facility) was getting her long time doctor to diagnose her. Mom always presented well to the doctor and it took my sis reporting mom to the DMV for an evaluation to get her doctor to take our concerns seriously. The doctor was actually indignant on mom's behalf that the report was made and she would have to complete the paperwork to allow mom to keep driving. Things changed quickly when mom drove off for her dr appointment and never arrived. The office called my dad when mom was 30 minutes late for her appointment and then the panic set in (this was not the first time mom had to be reported as missing to the local police either). Mom showed up at home for lunch a few hours later and had been out shopping, completely forgetting she left the house to go to her doctor. Both my dad & the doctor were a little shaken and my dad drove my mom that afternoon. Cognitve testing was finally ordered, my mom officially diagnosed and her license revoked. Revoking the license of someone with dementia is meaningless if you don't keep the keys away from them though. If possible, you can indirectly take away your MIL's ability to drive by disabling the car or "losing" her keys and absolutely report her to the DMV. CA DMV form for reporting a potentially unsafe driver.
This has been a hard enough journey with a happy, easygoing parent - I can't imagine the frustration you are dealing with {{{hugs}}}.
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Post by ilikepink on Aug 14, 2015 16:52:47 GMT
After reading your update, you need more hugs!!!!
It's so hard to be kind and patient when people act like that.
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Post by librarylady on Aug 14, 2015 20:07:50 GMT
How awful. I do hope you can get her into a facility SOON. I am also glad your husband is handling things. As mentioned, disable the vehicle--remove a spark plug, or the distributor cap or ?? You would not want her MIA one day by driving off into the sunset.
If you have not read it, read The 36 Hour Day. It is about living with Alzheimer patient.
I send you a hug and hope for relief.
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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 14, 2015 20:13:50 GMT
Thank you all AGAIN. I am mailing in the DMV form today as I am breaking point. My husband has made a new appointment with her neurologist for Sept. 3 - and the PCP and the neuro are now supposedly talking about coordinating their efforts with the letters we need (perhaps the both of us sitting in their waiting room crying had an effect?) My husband is going to talk with the attorney about disabling the car. We really don't want to get Adult Protective Services involved as then it could spiral. She has her keys in her purse and her purse is literally glued to her side - she is SO paranoid about anyone having access to anything. She apparently was bitching to her sister (who was visiting and who she also doesn't like) that she has no idea at all why her boys' names are on her financial accounts - she kept telling her we'd sneaked in and that it was wrong (she put them on the accounts when she was first diagnosed). Thankfully, my husband has a great relationship with her financial advisor so that if she tries to make a withdrawal, my husband will get a heads up call and any withdrawal will have a "glitch" until hubby can intervene. Thank goodness for people who do "get it". She calls us daily to help reset her TV because she can't remember how the HD works. It is pretty appalling how little we can do to protect her and others so we're trying to walk that line between legal and snooping thru her stuff. We will be very glad (and going to Hawaii) when we are able to put her into a home and know that she's safe. We're actually going back out this weekend at a place we would love to get her into and ask them what the protocol is for difficult patients. Thank you again SO SO much. You guys are really the best "go to" people
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Aug 14, 2015 21:00:30 GMT
Sending you [[hugs]] sounds like you are on the road to getting everything situated. There should be a Director of Education at the facility that can answer those questions. In the meantime see if you can talk to a Caseworker at Kaiser. The Elder Attorney should be able to help you as well.
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Aug 14, 2015 23:43:00 GMT
I am so sorry that yesterday was such a terrible day. Based on your description, she does need to be in an assisted living facility. I can't imagine the stress that this is causing for you. At least your DH is stepping in and helping.
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Post by lbp on Aug 15, 2015 0:32:01 GMT
Bless your heart, and I mean it in the good way. Those keys need to become "lost" ASAP, she could kill someone! As horrible as it sounds, we did hide my MIL's keys to both her car and golf cart because she tried to drive the gold cart 14 miles to the store!
Someone needs medical directive soon. I am sorry she is so nasty to you. That is so hard on top of everything else that you have got going on.
Hopefully when you do get her in assisted living she will like it as much as my MIL. She really loves it!
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Post by txdancermom on Aug 15, 2015 0:53:58 GMT
Oh dear....so sorry you have to deal with this. one suggestion - a friend of mine did this when her dad refused to give up the keys - she disabled the car so that he couldn't go anywhere in it. It wouldn't run and when he got upset that it wouldn't she told him she was calling someone to come fix it. then it would either take forever to get fixed or forever for someone to come get it. Of course in your case you probably have the issue that she will call someone on her own.
I hope you can get her into care where she is safe soon.
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