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Post by ladytrisha on Aug 11, 2015 21:10:06 GMT
So the Alzheimer's saga with my MIL continues. We are STILL, months later, having doctor appointments. The next one is tomorrow with a new neurologist because the existing one said she wanted to wait 3 months to "see if she improves". Then the earliest appointment she had for the 3 month checkup was 5 months away. And she expected MIL to "remember" to take her meds.
So I had a little conversation with member services and now we have a new Dr (with more experience) and new appointment set up.
So, assuming my husband gets power of attorney and conservatorship (which attorney says we will get), we are stumped on how we actually get her physically moved out of her home.
We've researched, viewed and found a really nice assisted living/alzheimer's care place (my friend's mom is there as well), but her apt/room gets furnished with HER stuff. Anyone ever had to be creative to convince someone they're going on a vacation with their furniture? ugh. Her home isn't being sold - we're going to fix it up and rent it to off-set the costs of the home (which is staggering).
MIL has categorically refused an in-home care-giver, and our attorney said that trying to effectively manage that from 200 miles away would be problematic anyway.
Any ideas on what may work or what worked for you would be so welcome.
------------------------------------------------------------------ Update: First of all thank you SO VERY MUCH for your support and advice. I'm going to show my husband your ideas especially those for dealing with the difficult and nasty person. How I wish we had the sweet old lady. LOL
Sadly, frustratingly, yesterday was a clusterfuck of epic proportions. We drove 200 miles, got there, her sister was there was well, we're chatting, MIL is asking about her appointment, we're good, she's good. And then it started - you could feel the shift in the room - we all realized she just checked out mentally.
So we decided to leave early for the doctor (first stop was to get approval to access her medical records).
We never made it out of the driveway with her. 3 of us got in the car - and she booked it into the garage, jumped in her car, hit the remote opener and almost clipped my car and just missed hitting her sister as she drove out of the driveway and out. (We can't take her keys or car away - the doctors have refused to get on board so far).
She was gone over 6 hours - we had no idea where she went. We tried following her on the freeway, but we couldn't catch her. We *think* she drove to her other sister's house (200 miles north) - but she was out of town (we called her) ... and she told us that this was her normal when she was in "flight" mode. She told us that she'll turn around and head home.
Around 6:30, my husband noticed the edge of her car in the driveway. We couldn't find her. Apparently she went and hid for another hour! Then she walked in as if nothing had happened.
THEN she exploded - said she saw her attorney, everything was fine. I said "what's his name" ... and 40 years of hatred to me poured out of her. It was quite eventful! (I'm trying to make light of it, but it was awful). I was wrong because I pressed her button (total frustration on my end of being worried, and failing to get anyone at Kaiser to help us or her).
She is not nasty "because" of Alzheimers. She is a nasty, vile, paranoid piece of work. There are no friends, and even family doesn't want to touch her. Her grandkids won't have anything to do with her.
The good thing (cuz I need to find one) is that I told my husband he HAS to step up - and today he has. He has made phone calls, demanded earlier appointments and has contacted our eldercare attorney - if need be we will go in on a rush motion to the court and let her sink her ship.
We did manage to grab stuff out of her den yesterday - a stack of donation requests from every imaginable charity - so I can send another set of "cease" requests.
I really don't know how people handle this because in the moment, in the fire, it feels like hell.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 11, 2015 21:17:32 GMT
I have no idea, but I didn't want to read and not say that I truly feel for you both in this situation. My mom refused any help during her years with Alzheimers, and it was very, very hard on my dad and her children. Unfortunately, she thought she was taking care of things just fine herself. (When, in actuality, my dad was doing everything.) I hope you get some good suggestions.
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Post by epeanymous on Aug 11, 2015 21:22:10 GMT
I am sorry you are dealing with this. Have you spoken to the facility about what they suggest? I have to think other people have dealt with the same difficult issues.
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Post by papersilly on Aug 11, 2015 21:32:44 GMT
DH had an aunt who was living alone. no husband or kids, just older siblings, nieces, nephews, etc. she started falling so her siblings decided to move her to a home. she absolutely refused and threatened to throw herself off the balcony if they tried. somehow, they talked her into it. she wasn't happy to go at first but when she got there, she liked it. she was kind of isolated before but at the home she had lots of people to chat with and activities to do. they even had a hair parlor so she could get her hair done. she liked it until the end when she finally passed of old age.
sometimes you have to do what you have to do for the safety and well being of the patient. to me, their safety and health takes priority over their desire to stay where it is not safe or healthy.
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Montannie
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Jun 25, 2014 20:32:35 GMT
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Post by Montannie on Aug 11, 2015 21:39:58 GMT
Check with the local Council on Aging, or whatever its name might be. They have a wealth of information regarding seniors and aging.
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georgiapea
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Jun 27, 2014 18:02:10 GMT
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 11, 2015 21:41:07 GMT
Could you get everything arranged with the facility and get your MIL a new bed put into it. I'd take her to visit her friend there several times so she becomes relaxed about being there. Then on the arranged day she can go to her new rooms instead of leaving. Her doctor would want to give her something to calm her I'm sure. With a friend there already she might settle right in.
It's got to be difficult to do this but her safety is important.
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Post by shamrock on Aug 11, 2015 22:35:01 GMT
The facility should be able to aid you in transitioning her. We moved my grandmother a few years ago. They told the story of how thye & another resident's family came up with a "job" for the resident. Her "job" was to live at the place and evaluate it. LOL! It really helped they said. I don't remember the story my dad & aunt gave my grandmother but they ccame up with something. Then once she was there they told her she had to stay because her home was no longer safe (it wasn't- needed foundation & roof repair.
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Post by wandawoman on Aug 11, 2015 23:09:07 GMT
When we found a place for my MIL we took her to see it. They were so amazing with her and made her feel so welcome. She agreed that it would be a good place to live sometime. We slowly started sorting her things and let her decide on some things to take. On THE day we told her it was time, but she begged for one more night in her house. When we explained that her clothes were already in her new place she got in the car without too many tears. We arrived just before lunchtime. She saw her things in her room and then they took her for lunch. We left, telling her we would be back in a few minutes. When we came back after lunch she settled right in and didn't complain at all. Arriving near a mealtime seems to be very helpful because there is something to do immediately and she wasn't left to just sit in her room.
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Post by knit.pea on Aug 11, 2015 23:40:32 GMT
Does the facility have a social worker? I would think memory care facilities have the resources for families on how to best make a move of that type.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 0:00:01 GMT
Sometimes a care facility will have a lunch,dinner or party those interested in living there. Makes it easier to introduce her to the place.
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Post by fuji on Aug 12, 2015 0:05:12 GMT
DH's family told his grandmother that her move would be temporary. She would be able to move home when she could physically do ________ and ___________ (can't remember what they were). Everyone, including her, knew she would not be able to do these things, but she was happier thinking she could go home some day. She talked about it until the very end.
It kind of felt like lying, but it was for her safety. Maybe you could say her house needed repairs, and she can't be there? Or her doctor wants to observe her for a week or two or a month?
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Post by elaine on Aug 12, 2015 0:30:05 GMT
We furnished my MILs room at assisted living with pieces we bought at IKEA. The rooms are small, so all we needed was a bed, night stand dresser, and sitting chair. Now that she has been bumped up to a Nursing Home, her room is furnished with hospital furniture.
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MorningPerson
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Jul 4, 2014 21:35:44 GMT
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Post by MorningPerson on Aug 12, 2015 0:41:43 GMT
This thread is making me weepy. I have such a soft spot in my heart for those approaching the end of their lives. I volunteered at a local hospital for several years, and it broke my heart when I'd see an elderly man shuffling down the hall, imagining him in his earlier years as a robust, healthy young man. I know that it's part of the "circle of life", and we'll all be there some day, but dang.
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Post by Penellopy on Aug 12, 2015 0:55:13 GMT
When we moved my Grandmother into a home, we had her in the hospital first. The doctor's told us she would not be able to live alone anymore and worked with us to prepare her for the move. Her doctor and the nursing facility worked together to get her on a correct dose of anxiety medication to calm her down and help make the transition easier. We had her room ready with things from her home...pictures, a recliner, her favorite quilt and bedding. We just told her she wasn't able to live by herself anymore and we moving her into her new home where she wouldn't be alone all the time. She has done well adjusting. But now that she has been there a couple of years, I see the Alzheimer's becoming more prevalent.
But when you are 88 and healthy as a horse except you can't remember anyone's names anymore, I think she is doing great.
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Post by lancermom on Aug 12, 2015 0:59:11 GMT
We have lots of community events at my building. Then when people move in they already know a lot of friends! Can you bring her for lunch a couple times? They should be able to have her sit with people that have the same interests. Having all of her personal items moved in, hung up and put away will make it easier. It will feel like home. I had a couple on my place, she knew the house was still available. Everyday she said she wanted to go home. After a year, they left. She is a wonderer. I pray everyday for her safety. This is a hard decision.
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Post by Flowergirl on Aug 12, 2015 1:43:05 GMT
I'm sorry you're going through this. I can completely empathize.
We moved my mom last year. I'll be honest. It was one of the hardest things we've ever done but it had to be done. She did NOT want to move and was violent about it with us with when we explained that she wouldn't be able to live at home anymore. We met with her PCP and had him speak with her too. She wasn't nice to him either.
Logistically-- My two sisters and my nephew moved her things and set up her room with her favorite things from home while I took her out and about for the day. (She wasn't aware it was moving day. Her doctor recommended handling it this way since she was being physically agressive with us regarding the move.) When the room was ready, I drove her there. We had taken her to see the place earlier in the week. She was angry when she realized where we were. She yelled all kinds of hurtful things at us, but the staff stepped in and really handled the transition nicely. She was nice to them and they helped get her settled and brought her ice cream (her favorite) which helped and we could hear her laughing with them from the hallway.
They advised us to stay away for a couple days to give her time to settle. My sister and I visited her a couple days later and she was mean and and angry with us again saying she wanted to go home. But we followed their advice to stay firm and change the subject and talk about happy things. As the weeks went by, there was a lot of 'I want to go home' but we redirected the conversation and tried to keep upbeat. A year and a half later, she still talks about going home, but usually just when she's angry about something. She was always very laid back, but this insipid disease really changed her personality.
We felt very bad about the way we had to handle the move. Everything about it felt deceitful. But her condition and inability to process things and her physical aggression necessitated that we do things the way we did. Simply put...it sucked. I'm sorry again that you're also dealing with this disease.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 1:55:35 GMT
My grandmother had dementia, so I know how hard it is. You just have to make the decision that is best for her. I wish we had something like this dementia village they have in Holland.
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Post by mikklynn on Aug 12, 2015 2:42:22 GMT
I am so sorry. I can see this in my future with my parents.
I am going to be as proactive as I can with downsizing myself before my kids have to do it.
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Post by yoursweetwhimsy on Aug 12, 2015 2:44:46 GMT
This has to be so hard, walking away from their home knowing they are never coming back. I can't imagine what your going through. Watching your parents age just sucks.
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Post by onlywork2scrap on Aug 12, 2015 3:03:02 GMT
We moved my mother a year ago. She wasn't having any real dementia problems, but lived alone and had a mini stroke. She functioned well except for walking. She had cancer surgery 4 years prior and it affected her right leg. She knew she couldn't live by herself, so she was willing to go. For two months she was like a different person - and not in a good way. She would cry and not socialize and was not adjusting well. It wasn't the facility, it was just how she dealt with the change. They told me this was normal and would last about 2 months and it did. Then she became herself again and made friends and became a social butterfly. She went to excercise class everyday and went to all the events. I would say it was the best two years of her widowed life and I think she would agree. The cancer came back, as we knew it would and it took her in February.
I would say communicate with the facility. They were wonderful to her and to us. They offered so much advice and help. Be prepared for a period when you just want to go home and cuss. Encourage her to attend events. The staff will help you by taking her if you aren't there. Our facility was great at interacting with her. Just keep reminding yourself you are doing the best thing for her. At some point she may give in and enjoy her time there.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 12, 2015 3:05:43 GMT
My husband just left today to sell off his childhood home. His mom had a stroke in March. She is 90 and up until then had lived alone since 1980. She could understand needing to move but said she prayed that God would take her when she went into surgery. She didn't want to live where someone had to help her. They moved all of her stuff when she was still in the hospital. It is rough. I lost my parents long before this stage of their lives and in some ways am thankful never to had had to go through this awful stage with them.
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Post by theroadlesstraveledp on Aug 12, 2015 3:34:27 GMT
When we moved my grandpa we brought some of the furniture that he already had. We tried to keep the things that he was used to in his environment around.
Could you start with picking some of her favorite things and bring them? We also bought one piece from Ikea, but we only moved him an hour away. You post suggests that you live farther away. You could buy more things from Ikea and Target as necessary.
The facility should be able to help with transport. I agree with onlywork2scrap and others about the adjustment period and having the staff help you. I have done this before as well, and it's tough because there will be a period of adjustment for all of you. Eventually, you will settle into a routine. [[Hugs]]
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Post by crazy4scraps on Aug 12, 2015 4:12:12 GMT
When my brother could no longer care for our mom by himself, we found a really nice place close by that was easy for us to visit frequently. The staff suggested we should bring over her there for lunch one day ahead of time so that's what we did. On the day that we actually moved her furniture and clothes in, one of my siblings took her out and about shopping or something for a while and the rest of us moved her stuff over to her new "apartment". The sibling that had her that day brought her to the new place to have lunch again, and after she was done having lunch we brought her up to her new room. We stayed with her for a while and found a group activity going on that we knew she would like, and sent her off to enjoy it with the other residents.
The staff was awesome, they did a great job of getting the residents involved with the community there. It really didn't take long before she decided she liked it there, maybe a couple weeks at most. Most of the time when we would go to visit, she would be out doing stuff in the various groups. She spent very little time in her room by herself.
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Mary Kay Lady
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Aug 12, 2015 5:54:11 GMT
I think you've gotten some good suggestions here, already. I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you're going through. We had to move my in-laws into an assisted living facility many years ago. It really did work out for the best for the both of them. And it was wonderful for us in that we didn't have to worry about them all the time.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 6:20:32 GMT
We will go through this too. We will just tell Mom that her doctor wants her to go to such and such. Moving a patient with dementia is nothing you want to do often so she has to be stable. You may and probably will have to lie about it. If telling her the truth will upset her, there is no reason to tell it when a perfectly good lie will do. Our goal is to keep my mom Happy .
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Post by stacmac on Aug 12, 2015 9:59:30 GMT
My nanna also thought her move was temporary. She thought she was going to for a rest and a short stay to have tests done. Even though she sometimes no longer knows my dad she still always asks how her house is and says don't worry, she'll be home in a few days. It's for the best. She's happy and looks the best she has in years. She was forgetting to eat and shower when she was alone. Vcr, I also think that dementia village is a great idea! My nanna would love it as every day she had a routine of walking to the local shops. It became an issue as she would forget she went and go down the street to pay the same bill twice, buy the same things etc.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 12:58:02 GMT
In our state, we were able to call elderly protective services and they deemed her unsafe to live alone and escorted to a nursing home.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 13:27:18 GMT
Her dr. Hopefully will give her some meds to assist you all.
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Post by lbp on Aug 12, 2015 13:54:43 GMT
We just told MIL that her Doctor has deemed her unable to live alone and needs 24/7 care. She was so upset and cried and cried the 1st week she was there and she has sun downers so they have to give her meds at night to keep her calm.
However, she is so happy there now! She has met some people and made friends, they have maini/pedi days, she goes to craft classes, musicians come in and sing, she goes to bible study, goes to the dining room now for all her meals, has a standing appt. at the beauty shop that is in the facility... etc.. She is doing so much better at the nursing home than she was at home.
I don't think we could get her to leave there now if we tried!
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Post by scrapbookwriter on Aug 12, 2015 14:04:31 GMT
Dad didn't have dementia, but his health issues made it essential that he have someone watching out for him. We wanted to move him to a senior apartment complex with varying levels of care. My dad resisted the move. We took him to lunch there and he changed his mind They fed him well. He made new friends. He was a sociable guy and he loved having other people around to talk with. He'd been lonely at home alone and hadn't even realized it. On the day of the move we tried to give him as much control as possible. He chose which furniture to bring and how to arrange it. My brother had the patience of a saint as he rearranged furniture to Dad's liking. Dad decided where pictures should be hung and where the TV should be. We tried to make his apartment feel comfortable for him. He truly enjoyed his time there.
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