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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 15:25:55 GMT
epeanymous your comments align with our experience. I'd also be careful as I discerned the difference between lying, and an urge for privacy. This is so, so helpful. Thank you, I need that!!
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Post by anxiousmom on Aug 12, 2015 15:38:17 GMT
But your obviously doing it in a way that isn't how he wants as he seems to not be letting you in. This type of stuff he can learn as he goes or he can ask you for guidance when he's older. It's not like he's writing a resume or going on a job interview. He's 9. The point is that kids learn a lot of this stuff by talking to others and experiencing it. I'll admit, the world scares me a little for kids these days. We didn't have texts when I was in elementary/middle school. We didn't send each other naked pictures. We didn't have phone sex. There was no FB, no social media. I think kids get in over their heads. I have zero desire to shelter him. I WANT him to experience the world. BUT NOT the oversexed, experience-life-before-you're-ready version. We've been hands-off up until now because there didn't seem to be a reason not to be. I'm just trying to get some been there, done that advice on HOW to effectively move forward into uncharted territory. It doesn't have to be like that though. In fact, I am not sure that it is the norm-more like the exception. Like with every thing else, the media picks up on stories that sensationalize the extraordinary. I have two boys. One is 19 and the other is 17. I hate to be a 'been there/done that' kind of mom, but maybe in this case I can be without sounding patronizing? I hope so, because that is completely not my intention. But I have to say, that my kids childhood hasn't been really all that different than mine. Even with the social media access. When the boys were younger, we had rules. All tech was in a central location by 9. No tech in the bedrooms. All media can be handed over without protest if I felt the need-which I should say never happened. I think that it isn't something to be worried about. Aware? Oh hell yes. But scared? No. This begins your time of keeping up with the kids. Pay attention and learn the media along with your kids. Don't know snapchat? Learn it. My boy sat down with me and helped me set up my own account. Enlist their help in an open, nonjudgmental way. Twitter? Watch the account and pay attention to the conversations. Etc. Play video games? No interaction with people/players you don't know or approve of ahead of time. The thing is (at least for me) was that I had to navigate the social media along with them and that meant that I had to make sure I stayed on top of. But at the same time, you (the global you) have to listen to all the advice with a grain of salt because it will terrify you and more often than not, it is the extreme not the norm. It isn't all bad at all. They aren't all sexting, they aren't all sending boobie shots, they aren't all growing up too fast. I would figure out what your rules are now, put them in place, and then be flexible enough to change when the situations change. Communication is the key.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Aug 12, 2015 15:48:17 GMT
Just to add a cheery thought... You said you don't want to mess this up....rest assured. At some point you are going to mess up in raising your son..... It is inevitable! We all just hope we don't mess up too badly!
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Aug 12, 2015 15:58:41 GMT
This. Leave them alone. they are developing relationship skills and this is totally normal for children this age. If we want to know why studies are showing that kids don't know how to communicate effectively anymore, this is part of the answer. Kids can't do or say anything anymore without mom or dad standing behind them making sure it's on their terms. I WANT him to develop relationship skills. I WANT him to learn to communicate effectively. I don't know that I believe that should happen without appropriate modeling, guidance, and respectful supervision. He's 9 -- my job is still very active at this point. I mean, sure you say that and want it, but your actions don't really support that, which is what a number of peas are trying to tell you.
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Post by myshelly on Aug 12, 2015 16:08:45 GMT
I completely agree with this. OP, first, you are trying to make *your* definition of bf/gf his definition of bf/gf. It's not. In order to effectively communicate with your son (which should be the highest priority in this situation), you need to see things from his perspective. Second, what would concern me most is him hiding this from you and doing it at MIL's house, you don't want to go into the teen years with him feeling he has to hide things bc you flip out and make them a bigger deal than they are. I am not saying you should compromise your values or your rules. I am saying that you should evaluate your mindset and look at things from his perspective. Why can't he talk to a girl? You said he doesn't have a phone. Does he have a way to regularly communicate with his friends? How did you "intercept" the note in the first place? Does he feel that was a violation? Have you considered his feelings about that? Yes, how to effectively communicate with him is 100% my concern. I want to handle this appropriately with him and also his feelings moving forward. He can absolutely talk to a girl. I want him to! I was just surprised his first interaction with a girl turned into this SO quickly. (Obviously, not first interaction with a girl, but wanting to call/text one!!) The note was left in the car. I saw her slip him her phone number as we were leaving the 2nd day of camp & I asked him what it was. He nonchalantly told me what it was, and I said, "Cool!" He didn't SEEM interested or embarrassed or anything at the time. I think from your "turned into this SO quickly" that you are way too focused on that particular word and what it means to *you*. It would be much more effective to open a dialogue about what it means to *him* and his peer group, than to focus on shutting it down. I think that's what a lot of peas are trying to tell you - you are turning off the lines of communication instead of opening them. Turn this into a dialogue. Ask him what bf/gf means. Ask him if he needs more ways to communicate shrug friends. Ask him what his rules for texting should be. Then communicate what your feelings on those subjects are and work together to come to an agreement.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 17:18:35 GMT
Just to add a cheery thought... You said you don't want to mess this up....rest assured. At some point you are going to mess up in raising your son..... It is inevitable! We all just hope we don't mess up too badly! Oh, I've messed up plenty...and am sure I will again! This is his first real interest in girls, and I'd like to at least be moderately successful at handling it!
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 17:21:32 GMT
I WANT him to develop relationship skills. I WANT him to learn to communicate effectively. I don't know that I believe that should happen without appropriate modeling, guidance, and respectful supervision. He's 9 -- my job is still very active at this point. I mean, sure you say that and want it, but your actions don't really support that, which is what a number of peas are trying to tell you. What are you advocating for? Handing them a phone and saying have at it? If I did that then I'd be accused of irresponsible parenting. Yes, at 9, texting is still going to be on my terms. I believe wholeheartedly in setting age-appropriate boundaries and equipping my kids with the tools they need. This is new for him and new for us.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 17:27:24 GMT
Yes, how to effectively communicate with him is 100% my concern. I want to handle this appropriately with him and also his feelings moving forward. He can absolutely talk to a girl. I want him to! I was just surprised his first interaction with a girl turned into this SO quickly. (Obviously, not first interaction with a girl, but wanting to call/text one!!) The note was left in the car. I saw her slip him her phone number as we were leaving the 2nd day of camp & I asked him what it was. He nonchalantly told me what it was, and I said, "Cool!" He didn't SEEM interested or embarrassed or anything at the time. I think from your "turned into this SO quickly" that you are way too focused on that particular word and what it means to *you*. It would be much more effective to open a dialogue about what it means to *him* and his peer group, than to focus on shutting it down. I think that's what a lot of peas are trying to tell you - you are turning off the lines of communication instead of opening them. Turn this into a dialogue. Ask him what bf/gf means. Ask him if he needs more ways to communicate shrug friends. Ask him what his rules for texting should be. Then communicate what your feelings on those subjects are and work together to come to an agreement. This is absolutely the approach we're going to take. He has an apple ID, so I'm going to show him how to use that to text (he has no internet on his tablet, but he has a computer in our main living area). We're going to go over texting rules, internet rules (again), and come to an agreement on what the expectations should be. I want this to be a dialogue with him, as he's obviously developing his own thoughts and feelings. I want him to know, though, that girls can be just friends, too. I know pairing off is the thing to do in upper elementary/middle school, but it doesn't have to be. I can guarantee you if I ask him why he "likes/loves" this girl he will say, "I don't know!" If I ask him what if means to be bf/gf he will say, "Uh...it means you like each other?" This is/was my apprehension with him talking to older, pubescent girls. They have much clearer ideas of what that means than a 9 yr old boy!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 12:33:56 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 12, 2015 17:53:09 GMT
I think you're reading WAY TOO MUCH into the intentions of this girl. At the age of 9, you KNOW your son isn't going to "traditionally" date her...because he needs a ride to wherever he goes. So you can clearly tell him "no dating until age ___"
I don't think you should give up the ability to check his phone, but I do think you need to relax a little and let him be a boy who has a crush.
If you're reacting like this now, I assure you that he will think twice and choose to not come to you in the future. You don't want that.
I would be sure and have another talk with him warning him that anything he shares in a text should be suitable enough to "be out there for the world to see" because it pretty much is. Also remind him about sharing inappropriate photos, and the consequences that come with that.
(my girls are 21 and 19...my boy is 16...so I've been in your shoes)
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 18:05:34 GMT
I think you're reading WAY TOO MUCH into the intentions of this girl. At the age of 9, you KNOW your son isn't going to "traditionally" date her...because he needs a ride to wherever he goes. So you can clearly tell him "no dating until age ___"
I don't think you should give up the ability to check his phone, but I do think you need to relax a little and let him be a boy who has a crush.
If you're reacting like this now, I assure you that he will think twice and choose to not come to you in the future. You don't want that.
I would be sure and have another talk with him warning him that anything he shares in a text should be suitable enough to "be out there for the world to see" because it pretty much is. Also remind him about sharing inappropriate photos, and the consequences that come with that.
(my girls are 21 and 19...my boy is 16...so I've been in your shoes) I don't think/know that this girl has any inappropriate intentions. There hasn't been anything inappropriate in the texts. The age gap concerns me for it's potential to cause issues. Of course, those same issues could arise between two 9yr olds. However, he's not texting another 9yr old girl. I am a-okay with him having a girlfriend if he's decided that's where his values lie. He will probably never see this girl again, so there certainly isn't any worry of them actually "dating" or anything like that. My whole concern was handling this new phase in his life WITHOUT embarrassing him or causing mistrust. Again, we haven't spoken to him about it. He will be home tomorrow. He doesn't know we know anything, other than me asking him if this person was a girl (which he lied about). I plan to play it very cool with him, as I have in the past. Reassure him it's totally normal and okay to have feelings for girls. Assure him he can have privacy. We do need to hammer out expectations, though, and you all have given me great jumping off points! I simply did not expect to be dealing with this already. He is my oldest and just turned 9 in May. He just last month started changing clothes in his room, as opposed to wherever he happened to be. He still showers in our bathroom and calls me in to check his hair for leftover shampoo. He falls asleep holding his stuffed animal. And now he "loves" his new "girlfriend." I think it's adorable, but in the future I don't want him getting in over his head. I am not implying this girl would cause this; I just wanted advice on how to help set him up for success!
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Aug 12, 2015 18:34:48 GMT
I think you're reading WAY TOO MUCH into the intentions of this girl. At the age of 9, you KNOW your son isn't going to "traditionally" date her...because he needs a ride to wherever he goes. So you can clearly tell him "no dating until age ___"
I don't think you should give up the ability to check his phone, but I do think you need to relax a little and let him be a boy who has a crush.
If you're reacting like this now, I assure you that he will think twice and choose to not come to you in the future. You don't want that.
I would be sure and have another talk with him warning him that anything he shares in a text should be suitable enough to "be out there for the world to see" because it pretty much is. Also remind him about sharing inappropriate photos, and the consequences that come with that.
(my girls are 21 and 19...my boy is 16...so I've been in your shoes) I don't think/know that this girl has any inappropriate intentions. There hasn't been anything inappropriate in the texts. The age gap concerns me for it's potential to cause issues. Of course, those same issues could arise between two 9yr olds. However, he's not texting another 9yr old girl. I am a-okay with him having a girlfriend if he's decided that's where his values lie. He will probably never see this girl again, so there certainly isn't any worry of them actually "dating" or anything like that. My whole concern was handling this new phase in his life WITHOUT embarrassing him or causing mistrust. Again, we haven't spoken to him about it. He will be home tomorrow. He doesn't know we know anything, other than me asking him if this person was a girl (which he lied about). I plan to play it very cool with him, as I have in the past. Reassure him it's totally normal and okay to have feelings for girls. Assure him he can have privacy. We do need to hammer out expectations, though, and you all have given me great jumping off points! I simply did not expect to be dealing with this already. He is my oldest and just turned 9 in May. He just last month started changing clothes in his room, as opposed to wherever he happened to be. He still showers in our bathroom and calls me in to check his hair for leftover shampoo. He falls asleep holding his stuffed animal. And now he "loves" his new "girlfriend." I think it's adorable, but in the future I don't want him getting in over his head. I am not implying this girl would cause this; I just wanted advice on how to help set him up for success! If you plan on reading his texts for no good reason, you will cause mistrust. He already mistrusts you, and now he will know that you have read his private conversations. Again, the advice is to leave him alone. It is ok for your son to have conversations and relationships that you are not part of. If he was going to school, he would be experiencing this daily, but he is already a step behind when it comes to socialization. So give him some room to navigate on his own.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 18:43:38 GMT
I don't think/know that this girl has any inappropriate intentions. There hasn't been anything inappropriate in the texts. The age gap concerns me for it's potential to cause issues. Of course, those same issues could arise between two 9yr olds. However, he's not texting another 9yr old girl. I am a-okay with him having a girlfriend if he's decided that's where his values lie. He will probably never see this girl again, so there certainly isn't any worry of them actually "dating" or anything like that. My whole concern was handling this new phase in his life WITHOUT embarrassing him or causing mistrust. Again, we haven't spoken to him about it. He will be home tomorrow. He doesn't know we know anything, other than me asking him if this person was a girl (which he lied about). I plan to play it very cool with him, as I have in the past. Reassure him it's totally normal and okay to have feelings for girls. Assure him he can have privacy. We do need to hammer out expectations, though, and you all have given me great jumping off points! I simply did not expect to be dealing with this already. He is my oldest and just turned 9 in May. He just last month started changing clothes in his room, as opposed to wherever he happened to be. He still showers in our bathroom and calls me in to check his hair for leftover shampoo. He falls asleep holding his stuffed animal. And now he "loves" his new "girlfriend." I think it's adorable, but in the future I don't want him getting in over his head. I am not implying this girl would cause this; I just wanted advice on how to help set him up for success! If you plan on reading his texts for no good reason, you will cause mistrust. He already mistrusts you, and now he will know that you have read his private conversations. Again, the advice is to leave him alone. It is ok for your son to have conversations and relationships that you are not part of. If he was going to school, he would be experiencing this daily, but he is already a step behind when it comes to socialization. So give him some room to navigate on his own. You and I are going to have to agree to disagree. He's 9, not 16. I will read his texts so I can stay on top of issues as they arise, if/when they arise. I don't know that he mistrusts me; I really feel it's more an instance of him showing that he's ready for some more independence. Some...not complete independence. I want to go into the teenage years with my eyes wide open, staying present, not trying to play catch-up. He obviously is wanting to do more grown-up things like texting, so I will help him do that in a safe, appropriate way. At first, I thought he was too young to be texting, but you all have assured me it's the norm these days!
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Aug 12, 2015 18:49:55 GMT
If you plan on reading his texts for no good reason, you will cause mistrust. He already mistrusts you, and now he will know that you have read his private conversations. Again, the advice is to leave him alone. It is ok for your son to have conversations and relationships that you are not part of. If he was going to school, he would be experiencing this daily, but he is already a step behind when it comes to socialization. So give him some room to navigate on his own. You and I are going to have to agree to disagree. He's 9, not 16. I will read his texts so I can stay on top of issues as they arise, if/when they arise. I don't know that he mistrusts me; I really feel it's more an instance of him showing that he's ready for some more independence. Some...not complete independence. I want to go into the teenage years with my eyes wide open, staying present, not trying to play catch-up. He obviously is wanting to do more grown-up things like texting, so I will help him do that in a safe, appropriate way. At first, I thought he was too young to be texting, but you all have assured me it's the norm these days! You can bury your head in the sand and disagree with me if you want. He already doesn't trust you to be rational, which is why he lied to you. You are proving him right by acting irrationally.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 18:54:31 GMT
You and I are going to have to agree to disagree. He's 9, not 16. I will read his texts so I can stay on top of issues as they arise, if/when they arise. I don't know that he mistrusts me; I really feel it's more an instance of him showing that he's ready for some more independence. Some...not complete independence. I want to go into the teenage years with my eyes wide open, staying present, not trying to play catch-up. He obviously is wanting to do more grown-up things like texting, so I will help him do that in a safe, appropriate way. At first, I thought he was too young to be texting, but you all have assured me it's the norm these days! You can bury your head in the sand and disagree with me if you want. He already doesn't trust you to be rational, which is why he lied to you. You are proving him right by acting irrationally. Do you have kids? At what age did you give them a phone and say "Have fun!"? He doesn't even have a phone. If he texts, it will be on my phone or his computer. He needs to know I can and will check if I feel like something is going on that shouldn't be. Once he hits puberty I expect him to do really stupid things! So many peas give their children the same warning. We've never had an issue for me to act irrationally about. I assure you I'm doing my "freaking out" here and not in front of him. I think pretending your kids are being on the complete up and up with their phones is burying your head in the sand.
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Post by chlerbie on Aug 12, 2015 19:07:04 GMT
When I was 12, my mother's best friend from high school who lived in another state, came to visit with her nine year old son. We "fell in love." We decided we were boyfriend and girlfriend, held hands and pretty innocently kissed. We wrote to each other after he left, etc. but it died down pretty quickly. I was embarrassed to tell anyone that my "boyfriend" was only 9 and certainly wouldn't have wanted to talk about it with my mother.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 19:09:08 GMT
When I was 12, my mother's best friend from high school who lived in another state, came to visit with her nine year old son. We "fell in love." We decided we were boyfriend and girlfriend, held hands and pretty innocently kissed. We wrote to each other after he left, etc. but it died down pretty quickly. I was embarrassed to tell anyone that my "boyfriend" was only 9 and certainly wouldn't have wanted to talk about it with my mother. That's really sweet!! At least you had in-person contact with your "boyfriend"
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 12, 2015 19:22:44 GMT
I'm actually agreeing with Carrots on this. I think you're going a bit overboard on this. Sorry. I do think you need to set boundaries on what is appropriate and inappropriate but I think shutting this down is too much. My niece is 12 and still carrying an AG doll. So, age doesn't mean she's going to be sexting your son and turning him into a deviant. I am VERY involved in the Middle/Elementary school so I've seen what can happen when parents are "hands off" with their kids. That being said, I have told both my girls that I will check texts and internet activity from time to time. Do I check every night? Nope. Do I spot check occasionally? Yes. I also do my best to stay on top of how kids go about hiding things from their parents. My daughter has hidden things for two very different reasons- Once she was chatting with someone she knew I wouldn't approve of. The second time because she just wanted some PRIVACY and I was going overboard on checking up on her. We've come to an understanding. Make good choices, and I won't have to bring the hammer down. FWIW, my oldest has a "dumb phone" because the Smartphone was too much for her. She has ADD and the Smartphone was too much freedom for her to handle. She hated the constant draw of the distractions and the constant temptation from her friends to download or watch this or that. So, she has a phone that texts and that's it! Bottom line is this in my house. If you feel like you need to hide something, it means you're doing something you're not supposed to do. We don't hide things we're proud of. My kids are new at being teenagers which means I'm new at parenting teenagers. I'm going to make mistakes. This past summer my oldest was deleting her computer history. I questioned her about it and told her that there was no computer until she was ready to show me what she was hiding from me. She's a terrible liar, and knows this so it didn't take long to get down to the bottom of it. The week prior she had asked me if I had read 50 Shades of Grey and I told her it was trashy and not of interest to me. I read between the lines during that conversation and figured she was starting to get curious about romance books (typically she read suspense books). She was wanting to read romance books (think teen romance) but didn't want me to think badly of her. The website she had been on was Fan Fiction website that was totally inappropriate for her but she was curious (which I can absolutely understand!). What 14 yr old girl isn't curious about what it's like to be in love and have a boyfriend? I think they all are! So, I told her that books like that weren't giving her a good idea of what healthy relationships were about but that I would take her to the library and she could find teen romance books that do. She's read on average 5 teen romance/relationship books a week this summer.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 19:38:09 GMT
I'm actually agreeing with Carrots on this. I think you're going a bit overboard on this. Sorry. I do think you need to set boundaries on what is appropriate and inappropriate but I think shutting this down is too much. My niece is 12 and still carrying an AG doll. So, age doesn't mean she's going to be sexting your son and turning him into a deviant. I am VERY involved in the Middle/Elementary school so I've seen what can happen when parents are "hands off" with their kids. That being said, I have told both my girls that I will check texts and internet activity from time to time. Do I check every night? Nope. Do I spot check occasionally? Yes. I also do my best to stay on top of how kids go about hiding things from their parents. My daughter has hidden things for two very different reasons- Once she was chatting with someone she knew I wouldn't approve of. The second time because she just wanted some PRIVACY and I was going overboard on checking up on her. We've come to an understanding. Make good choices, and I won't have to bring the hammer down. FWIW, my oldest has a "dumb phone" because the Smartphone was too much for her. She has ADD and the Smartphone was too much freedom for her to handle. She hated the constant draw of the distractions and the constant temptation from her friends to download or watch this or that. So, she has a phone that texts and that's it! Bottom line is this in my house. If you feel like you need to hide something, it means you're doing something you're not supposed to do. We don't hide things we're proud of. My kids are new at being teenagers which means I'm new at parenting teenagers. I'm going to make mistakes. This past summer my oldest was deleting her computer history. I questioned her about it and told her that there was no computer until she was ready to show me what she was hiding from me. She's a terrible liar, and knows this so it didn't take long to get down to the bottom of it. The week prior she had asked me if I had read 50 Shades of Grey and I told her it was trashy and not of interest to me. I read between the lines during that conversation and figured she was starting to get curious about romance books (typically she read suspense books). She was wanting to read romance books (think teen romance) but didn't want me to think badly of her. The website she had been on was Fan Fiction website that was totally inappropriate for her but she was curious (which I can absolutely understand!). What 14 yr old girl isn't curious about what it's like to be in love and have a boyfriend? I think they all are! So, I told her that books like that weren't giving her a good idea of what healthy relationships were about but that I would take her to the library and she could find teen romance books that do. She's read on average 5 teen romance/relationship books a week this summer. Just to reiterate, I'm not shutting down communication with this girl altogether -- just for tonight until I can talk to my son when he returns home tomorrow. I've also spoken with a couple of my friends this afternoon who have kids he's grown up with about allowing them to text. Apparently it's the thing to do! I just received more information from my MIL, who has her phone with her. Apparently, my son loves this girl and wants her to be his gf, but she already has a bf. He asked her and she said no. It make so much more sense now why he wouldn't want to share that with me -- he's probably embarrassed by the rejection. I'll feel him out tomorrow, but a text regarding that came through to my MIL this afternoon.
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Post by kkrenn on Aug 12, 2015 19:47:13 GMT
I'm actually agreeing with Carrots on this. I think you're going a bit overboard on this. Sorry. I do think you need to set boundaries on what is appropriate and inappropriate but I think shutting this down is too much. My niece is 12 and still carrying an AG doll. So, age doesn't mean she's going to be sexting your son and turning him into a deviant. I am VERY involved in the Middle/Elementary school so I've seen what can happen when parents are "hands off" with their kids. That being said, I have told both my girls that I will check texts and internet activity from time to time. Do I check every night? Nope. Do I spot check occasionally? Yes. I also do my best to stay on top of how kids go about hiding things from their parents. My daughter has hidden things for two very different reasons- Once she was chatting with someone she knew I wouldn't approve of. The second time because she just wanted some PRIVACY and I was going overboard on checking up on her. We've come to an understanding. Make good choices, and I won't have to bring the hammer down. FWIW, my oldest has a "dumb phone" because the Smartphone was too much for her. She has ADD and the Smartphone was too much freedom for her to handle. She hated the constant draw of the distractions and the constant temptation from her friends to download or watch this or that. So, she has a phone that texts and that's it! Bottom line is this in my house. If you feel like you need to hide something, it means you're doing something you're not supposed to do. We don't hide things we're proud of. My kids are new at being teenagers which means I'm new at parenting teenagers. I'm going to make mistakes. This past summer my oldest was deleting her computer history. I questioned her about it and told her that there was no computer until she was ready to show me what she was hiding from me. She's a terrible liar, and knows this so it didn't take long to get down to the bottom of it. The week prior she had asked me if I had read 50 Shades of Grey and I told her it was trashy and not of interest to me. I read between the lines during that conversation and figured she was starting to get curious about romance books (typically she read suspense books). She was wanting to read romance books (think teen romance) but didn't want me to think badly of her. The website she had been on was Fan Fiction website that was totally inappropriate for her but she was curious (which I can absolutely understand!). What 14 yr old girl isn't curious about what it's like to be in love and have a boyfriend? I think they all are! So, I told her that books like that weren't giving her a good idea of what healthy relationships were about but that I would take her to the library and she could find teen romance books that do. She's read on average 5 teen romance/relationship books a week this summer. I totally agree with the above! This only applies to 1 of my girls since the other one is mentally disabled. My dd had a phone at 10 (she was walking home from school so I wanted her to be in touch with me) so that opened the avenue for texting. The rules were that I could check her phone at any time and I did spot check very often. After about a year I realized that I was the only one with an issue. She had never given me a reason not to trust her but I was giving her PLENTY of reasons not to trust me. I stopped checking on her so often and everything between us got much better. She is almost 17 now and still talks to me about her relationships. Carrots has a point with the trust. He is hiding it from you because for some reason his trust has been broken. In moving forward, I agree that you need to set expectations for this new chapter in your lives but relaxing is key. My dd's friends are shocked that we talk about everything, they even come and talk to me about their relationships. I, of course, let them know before they start that I will keep their confidence only if there is no harm in doing so. They tell me that they would love to be able to open up to their moms but if they even bring up bf's name their moms get upset. Just be careful and do what's best for your son, which I'm sure you are!
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Post by mrsscrapdiva on Aug 12, 2015 19:51:52 GMT
This is just my own opinion, as a mom to a 10 1/2 yr old boy going into 5th grade.
I had to reread this - he is 9. 9 years old. She is 12. What grades are each one going into this school year? Is he really mature for his age? Just asking being that my son was 9 in 3rd grade and I can't even picture this happening. They were talking about legos and pokemon AND all the boys and girls were friends. Things changed a little in 4th grade, but I just can't imagine a 12 year old girl wanting attention like that from a 9 year old boy.
I guess now is the perfect time to open up conversations about a lot of things. Especially lying about stuff, rules with texting, what is appropriate, etc.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 20:04:48 GMT
This is just my own opinion, as a mom to a 10 1/2 yr old boy going into 5th grade. I had to reread this - he is 9. 9 years old. She is 12. What grades are each one going into this school year? Is he really mature for his age? Just asking being that my son was 9 in 3rd grade and I can't even picture this happening. They were talking about legos and pokemon AND all the boys and girls were friends. Things changed a little in 4th grade, but I just can't imagine a 12 year old girl wanting attention like that from a 9 year old boy. I guess now is the perfect time to open up conversations about a lot of things. Especially lying about stuff, rules with texting, what is appropriate, etc. He just turned 9 in May, going into 4th grade technically. He's "profoundly gifted"; thinks he's far older than he really is, acts like it a lot of the time, but still a 9yr old at heart. She's turning 12 (not sure when) and I believe starting middle school this year. My son looks older, is tall, and would probably tell her he's older to seem cool! I'm just guessing, though!! He has never once acted interested in girls AT ALL until this one week in particular at day camp. Whether the idea came about from other boys (who go to public/private school), him trying to be "cool", the other girls trying to pair off...I'm not sure. Kids will be kids! That week, though, is the first time I ever heard anything from him regarding girls being something other than a friend! That week where he met this particular girl.
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Post by SabrinaM on Aug 12, 2015 20:17:00 GMT
You're actually at an advantage in that it sounds like you've been able to control his outside influences considering he's home schooled. We're quite conservative in our home as far as what we've allowed them to watch and listen to. That is SO HARD to control once they get into middle school and every other child has a Smartphone.
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Post by disneyjunkie on Aug 12, 2015 21:23:27 GMT
I'll be the voice of dissent here. I see no reason why a 9 yo and 12 yo that are not related need to be texting each other. I'd shut it down (gently). I'd also shut dow. The "asking for pictures" via text. I don't think there is any reason to panic - nor does it sound like you are panicked. I don't consider 9 to be a pre-teen. I also think it is completely appropriate to read every text that your 9 yo sends. As they get older, you certainly pull back on that but 9 is still really young in my eyes.
For the record, I have a 16, 14 and 11 year old. All three have phones. Everyone understands that I'm to have the passwords to their phones at all times. I rarely check the texts of the older 2. I probably don't check the youngest's as much as I should. At this point she doesn't text boys and I'm not really ready for that to start but given that she's starting middle school next week, it might be inevitable. Parenting is hard, that's all I know :-)
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Post by christine58 on Aug 12, 2015 21:26:20 GMT
The big red flag for me is that a 12 year old girl wants anything boyfriend/girlfriend to do with a 9 year old boy. That and the fact that your son is lying to you.
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msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
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Post by msliz on Aug 12, 2015 22:28:57 GMT
If you plan on reading his texts, you should tell him that upfront. It would be wrong of you to read them behind his back. Didn't you mention that you were upset about his lying to you? Model the behavior you want to see.
Tell him he's using your phone, and he shouldn't be saying anything that he would not feel comfortable with either his parents or hers reading. If he doesn't want to text anymore, problem solved.
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Post by bostonmama on Aug 12, 2015 22:46:05 GMT
If you plan on reading his texts, you should tell him that upfront. It would be wrong of you to read them behind his back. Didn't you mention that you were upset about his lying to you? Model the behavior you want to see.
Tell him he's using your phone, and he shouldn't be saying anything that he would not feel comfortable with either his parents or hers reading. If he doesn't want to text anymore, problem solved.
I would absolutely tell him. Hopefully that will be a deterrent against things that shouldn't be sent. I'll back off as he gets more "practice," assuring him that he's earned some trust and I'm backing off. My husband doesn't want him texting at all, but I think as long as he's at home on his computer or my phone it will be okay. He's certainly not getting a phone anytime soon!!
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