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Post by stargazer on Aug 13, 2015 10:29:53 GMT
Sorry, this got really long: guess I REALLY needed to vent! Feel free to skip my moaning! DD (13) is involved with an annual show through scouting. (DS, 17, is also involved). They rehearse each year weekly from September-Feb & then perform 7 shows at our local theatre. They love it & it can be such an awesome opportunity to make friends for life. Except.... As always, there are a couple of "dramatic-look-at-me" type girls & dd made a fatal mistake with one of them. Other girl was "dating" a boy in the cast, they had a falling out, he asked dd to speak up to girl in his defence & despite my counselling not to get involved she did. Now she is the target of some major hate (& of course, boy is totally forgiven & on girl's side!) They are in "off season" right now but each & every time they make arrangements to meet up, right at the last minute "girl" says she won't go if dd is going. In person she says to dd "we must try to get along" (& in her head dd replies that that's what she has been doing all along), but online she is a bitch. She makes it plain to dd that they talk about her etc. dd has blocked her from social media etc because she was being vile on there too (yes, I have screenshots) but she has dd's number so every once in a while she texts with "why did you block me?" Etc which dd ignores. We've just had another "I'm not going if dd's going" message on the group chat & I'm just feeling helpless really. Yes, I could track down the girl's mother & tell her what a bitch her dd is but it won't do any good. DD can't avoid her forever as they rehearse together & while other friends could do a better job of sticking up for her, in reality they're teenagers & who wants to upset the in crowd (not to mention dd has specifically told a couple NOT to get in the middle as that's where she went wrong in the first place!) The (true) assertions that she's being the better person & she's learning valuable life lessons are really wearing thin (for both of us) Mean girls suck  |
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Post by gritzi on Aug 13, 2015 10:42:45 GMT
What a tough situation for your DD. Are there no adults monitoring the group chats since this is a scouting related event? If so, those adults should be intervening when Mean Girl comments "I'm not going".
Is your daughter still attending the events?
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Post by stargazer on Aug 13, 2015 10:59:42 GMT
No, it's a "friends" group chat so no adults involved. She has attended one event when mean girl couldn't/wouldn't come & had fun. She's in 2 minds about this one.
I'm friends with one of the adults in charge at rehearsals so she's aware but unless she actually hears anything herself (& mean girl is far too clever for that)...
My dh & I also help out, esp in show week, & it's very difficult to be the adult & be polite to this girl when she's sickly-sweet to me (why are the mean girls always like that?!) but I keep plugging on trying to set a good example & remember I'm the adult.
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Aug 13, 2015 11:49:40 GMT
she should go if she wants to, regardless if the mean girl says she's coming or not. eventually that girl is going to get sick of missing out on things, and it will start to become apparent to the other girls that the only one keeping this going is mean girl.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 11:58:51 GMT
Sorry, this got really long: guess I REALLY needed to vent! Feel free to skip my moaning! DD (13) is involved with an annual show through scouting. (DS, 17, is also involved). They rehearse each year weekly from September-Feb & then perform 7 shows at our local theatre. They love it & it can be such an awesome opportunity to make friends for life. Except.... As always, there are a couple of "dramatic-look-at-me" type girls & dd made a fatal mistake with one of them. Other girl was "dating" a boy in the cast, they had a falling out, he asked dd to speak up to girl in his defence & despite my counselling not to get involved she did. Now she is the target of some major hate (& of course, boy is totally forgiven & on girl's side!)They are in "off season" right now but each & every time they make arrangements to meet up, right at the last minute "girl" says she won't go if dd is going. In person she says to dd "we must try to get along" (& in her head dd replies that that's what she has been doing all along), but online she is a bitch. She makes it plain to dd that they talk about her etc. dd has blocked her from social media etc because she was being vile on there too (yes, I have screenshots) but she has dd's number so every once in a while she texts with "why did you block me?" Etc which dd ignores. We've just had another "I'm not going if dd's going" message on the group chat & I'm just feeling helpless really. Yes, I could track down the girl's mother & tell her what a bitch her dd is but it won't do any good. DD can't avoid her forever as they rehearse together & while other friends could do a better job of sticking up for her, in reality they're teenagers & who wants to upset the in crowd (not to mention dd has specifically told a couple NOT to get in the middle as that's where she went wrong in the first place!) The (true) assertions that she's being the better person & she's learning valuable life lessons are really wearing thin (for both of us) Mean girls suck Girls at that age can be mean sadly but I'm not sure why this girl is being mean to your DD when you say she intervened to get girl and boy back together. Isn't that what the girl wanted...to get back her boyfriend or did DD side with the boyfriend and they're still apart because of taking sides? |
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Aug 13, 2015 11:59:03 GMT
she should go if she wants to, regardless if the mean girl says she's coming or not. eventually that girl is going to get sick of missing out on things, and it will start to become apparent to the other girls that the only one keeping this going is mean girl. I know that in theory this is the right thing to do. But I grew up in a small town, made a fatal mistake and may as well have been told to sew on my scarlet letter for the rest of high school. OP, this sucks. I too have a 13 yo dd who straddles some of these groups of girls and finds herself caught up in their games. One thing I tell her is that it's "None of our business what other people think about you". And that's true (though often wearing, as you mentioned). But sometimes it helps. I don't have much advice, other than I would probably be getting screen shots of the texts, take the social media shots and have a serious sit down chat with the woman in charge. She doesn't have to 'hear' it to see it. And she needs to be aware and she needs to be getting your dd's back. (And anyone else who mean girl is targeting when it's their turn). Good luck. |
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Post by ahiller on Aug 13, 2015 12:04:32 GMT
she should go if she wants to, regardless if the mean girl says she's coming or not. eventually that girl is going to get sick of missing out on things, and it will start to become apparent to the other girls that the only one keeping this going is mean girl. This. I'd tell DD show up and have fun and not give it another thought. If the other girl doesn't want to show up, that's on her, not your DD. |
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blue tulip
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Post by blue tulip on Aug 13, 2015 12:04:44 GMT
she should go if she wants to, regardless if the mean girl says she's coming or not. eventually that girl is going to get sick of missing out on things, and it will start to become apparent to the other girls that the only one keeping this going is mean girl. I know that in theory this is the right thing to do. But I grew up in a small town, made a fatal mistake and may as well have been told to sew on my scarlet letter for the rest of high school. OP, this sucks. I too have a 13 yo dd who straddles some of these groups of girls and finds herself caught up in their games. One thing I tell her is that it's "None of our business what other people think about you". And that's true (though often wearing, as you mentioned). But sometimes it helps. I don't have much advice, other than I would probably be getting screen shots of the texts, take the social media shots and have a serious sit down chat with the woman in charge. She doesn't have to 'hear' it to see it. And she needs to be aware and she needs to be getting your dd's back. (And anyone else who mean girl is targeting when it's their turn). Good luck. I guess it would depend on what the other girls are doing- if the mean girl doesn't go, do they all stay home? does DD have friends who back her up? you're right, it's hard to look back on those days and the "culture" of middle school now, but this is just so stupid. I wasn't very self-confident at home, but I wouldn't have allowed some bitch to make me miss out on things I really wanted to do. |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 13, 2015 12:04:36 GMT
Ugh... I have a nearly 13 year old.. who has had some similar issues.
Hang in there Mom. These are hard lessons to learn.
IF the other girl says she won't go if your DD does... what happens... does your daughter not go? Why does the other girl get to decide.
I would encourage my daughter to go anyway. Stand up for herself, let the mean girl know she can't dictate what your daughter does.
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raindancer
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Post by raindancer on Aug 13, 2015 12:09:45 GMT
I know that in theory this is the right thing to do. But I grew up in a small town, made a fatal mistake and may as well have been told to sew on my scarlet letter for the rest of high school. OP, this sucks. I too have a 13 yo dd who straddles some of these groups of girls and finds herself caught up in their games. One thing I tell her is that it's "None of our business what other people think about you". And that's true (though often wearing, as you mentioned). But sometimes it helps. I don't have much advice, other than I would probably be getting screen shots of the texts, take the social media shots and have a serious sit down chat with the woman in charge. She doesn't have to 'hear' it to see it. And she needs to be aware and she needs to be getting your dd's back. (And anyone else who mean girl is targeting when it's their turn). Good luck. I guess it would depend on what the other girls are doing- if the mean girl doesn't go, do they all stay home? does DD have friends who back her up? you're right, it's hard to look back on those days and the "culture" of middle school now, but this is just so stupid. I wasn't very self-confident at home, but I wouldn't have allowed some bitch to make me miss out on things I really wanted to do. Well in many cases, if you don't show it sucks, but if you do show they make damn sure it's worse. Ever go bowling with people who are subtly trying to trip you? Or who score wrong on purpose so you lose? Or play a game of basketball for a team building exercise and have your own team knock the ball out of your hands? That kind of stuff sucks way more. I would rather miss out on a swim party where they all swim away from me no matter where I go than go swimming with people that do that and make life miserable for you. And I would expect my kids to feel the same. |
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Post by stargazer on Aug 13, 2015 12:22:49 GMT
Well in many cases, if you don't show it sucks, but if you do show they make damn sure it's worse. Ever go bowling with people who are subtly trying to trip you? Or who score wrong on purpose so you lose? Or play a game of basketball for a team building exercise and have your own team knock the ball out of your hands? That kind of stuff sucks way more. I would rather miss out on a swim party where they all swim away from me no matter where I go than go swimming with people that do that and make life miserable for you. And I would expect my kids to feel the same. Exactly raindancer! It can be a loose-loose situation. Sometimes if dd doesn't announce that she's now not going mean girl takes it to another group chat (ie without involving dd) to make alternative arrangements, excluding her. Not sure what she'll do this time & cross that this young lady has the power to upset dd (& put a cloud over family time) even when dd tries continually to rise above it. |
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Post by stargazer on Aug 13, 2015 12:29:02 GMT
Girls at that age can be mean sadly but I'm not sure why this girl is being mean to your DD when you say she intervened to get girl and boy back together. Isn't that what the girl wanted...to get back her boyfriend or did DD side with the boyfriend and they're still apart because of taking sides? Dd stupidly agreed to tell the girl the boy's side of the story as they weren't talking. Boy & girl quickly made it up, dd is now hated by girl in a "don't shoot the messenger" type of situation. No it doesn't make any sense but then teenagers rarely do. I think this is a case of there needing to be someone to dislike for queen bee to assert her power. Rest assured dd will never get involved in anyone else's argument again, no matter how much someone begs! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 12:38:48 GMT
You're showing more restraint that I would be!  Next time I would be at a rehearsal I'd show the little madam the screen shots and ask for an explanation!! Your DD needs to go wherever she wants to and if the other girl chooses not to because your DD will be there that is her bad luck. Standing up to bullies is the best way to get them to stop. |
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Dalai Mama
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Post by Dalai Mama on Aug 13, 2015 12:44:57 GMT
Personally I think that being the better person only gets you so far, then it's time to push back. Something I learned from my mother.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 12:55:17 GMT
maybe its time for her to evaluate how much this groups means to her as friends
certainly the mean girl is no friend and anyone who ostracizes your daughter because of her is also no friend i would want to keep
might be time to move on
not because she is running away but because she doesn't want to play drama queen games
even if she stays friends with some of them, why does she want to be in the online group?
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Post by gritzi on Aug 13, 2015 13:01:53 GMT
I agree w/this! If there are adults in charge then they need to be aware, shown proof of what has been happening. Just because the lady hasn't heard conversations doesn't mean there isn't bullying, nasty, mean girl behavior.
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Post by peasapie on Aug 13, 2015 13:13:08 GMT
I agree with above. Get the proof and you and your daughter should speak with whoever is in charge. That's the way to show your daughter how to stick up for herself. If that doesn't work she should speak with the the girl and her parents. This won't be the last time your daughter encounters this kind of passive-aggressive behavior in life. It's a good time to teach her how to nip it in the bud.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 13:16:49 GMT
You find the girl's mother and explain what is going on. Then you show all this to the woman in charge of the group. If you don't get proactive now, things could escalate. I dealt with this when my dd was young. I shut it down at home by talking to her parents, then she tried to get dd in trouble at school. I had proof the other girl was lying and took it to the school which shut it down there. When they moved to middle school the next year she tried again. The counselor there kept pulling my dd out of classes to talk to her. I didn't find out until she had to stay after school to make up a test she missed because of this. I had to go the the school with all my proof that this girl targeted my dd, and told the counselor and vice principal that I didn't want my kid pulled from class for this crap, they could bring her down after school with me present.
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Post by gryroagain on Aug 13, 2015 14:00:56 GMT
DD has been dealing with mean girls (also in a situation she has to attend so there is no avoiding) since last year. It sucks. Things are moderately better since ringleader got called on some things, she has toned it down at least. But now DD is the "outsider" and it sucks, because she didn't do anything but stop being a part of the ringleaders fan club, because the girl is just not someone she wants to be friends with. Or pretend to be friends with. She stuck up for herself and now she is "out".
DD has actually been in counseling (for this and other things) and it's been a Godsend. I think its really tough at 13 to be able to see a big picture, and when everyone is laughing at horrible things someone says, the feeling is the problem is you, for finding it wrong. Her counselor is so, so awesome, and it's great for DD to hear from someone that these behaviors are not ok, they are not right, and DD is right to feel as she does. She has given DD ways to respond, and to feel better about herself. Most importantly, DD has realized that she doesn't really want these people as friends anyway, and that is ok. It's made her strong enough to be able to ignore the mean girl stuff, and feel good about herself again.
And we are moving, so hooray for that! Only 7 more weeks!
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 13, 2015 15:22:08 GMT
Given that your daughter inserted herself into drama, then unfortunately, she has to face the consequences of what can happen when you stick your nose in someone else's business. KWIM? This doesn't include bullying however.
If the other girl makes those pronouncements that she isn't going to attend if your daughter is there, then "too bad, so sad". That is on her (the other girl).
This is no different than when warring ex-spouses threaten to not attend something if a certain person is there, Too bad, so sad. That is their choice to set those conditions ON THEMSELVES. It doesn't obligate anyone else to play that game.
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 13, 2015 15:26:43 GMT
No, it's a "friends" group chat so no adults involved. She has attended one event when mean girl couldn't/wouldn't come & had fun. She's in 2 minds about this one. I'm friends with one of the adults in charge at rehearsals so she's aware but unless she actually hears anything herself (& mean girl is far too clever for that)... You listed that you had screen shots of the texts, why not share them with the adult leaders in charge as an FYI? In addition, you listed that the program was affiliated in scouts in some way therefore an adult should be part of the "friends" group chat in order to monitor. I'm trying to figure out how scouting is involved with an annual show??? |
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georgiapea
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 13, 2015 16:42:19 GMT
Wow, it's been so long since my DD was a teen, but I still remember a 'difficulty' she got into with another girl, the DD of my best friend at the time. I feel it's so important for every mom to tell their kids to not get involved with a problem between 2 other people. It's very like telling another woman that her husband is cheating. YOU become the enemy. So not worth the heartache that follows.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 17:57:51 GMT
No, it's a "friends" group chat so no adults involved. She has attended one event when mean girl couldn't/wouldn't come & had fun. She's in 2 minds about this one. I'm friends with one of the adults in charge at rehearsals so she's aware but unless she actually hears anything herself (& mean girl is far too clever for that)... I'm trying to figure out how scouting is involved with an annual show??? It's quite a tradition here in the UK that the various troops of Scouts & Guides within their districts get together and put on an annual show called "The Gang Show" It's a kind of variety show which included Sketches ( Drama acts) Dance and musical numbers mainly. |
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 13, 2015 19:09:07 GMT
I'm trying to figure out how scouting is involved with an annual show??? It's quite a tradition here in the UK that the various troops of Scouts & Guides within their districts get together and put on an annual show called "The Gang Show" It's a kind of variety show which included Sketches ( Drama acts) Dance and musical numbers mainly. I don't know the Scouting policies in another country, but in the US, if the show is a scouting activity, then an adult would have to be able to view the friends only chat room. |
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Post by candleangie on Aug 13, 2015 19:26:33 GMT
With my girls, we found that a polite response that puts the ball firmly in her court is best. "That's sad. I'd be glad to see you there, so I hope you change your mind."
If the other girl continues to be crappy from there, it's clear that it's HER problem, and not your DDs.
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Post by stargazer on Aug 13, 2015 19:29:31 GMT
It's quite a tradition here in the UK that the various troops of Scouts & Guides within their districts get together and put on an annual show called "The Gang Show" It's a kind of variety show which included Sketches ( Drama acts) Dance and musical numbers mainly. I don't know the Scouting policies in another country, but in the US, if the show is a scouting activity, then an adult would have to be able to view the friends only chat room. I do know the policies as I am scout leader (not to any of these young people) & what they choose to do in their own free time is up to them. It would be like saying that a teacher should be able to view any conversations kids who happened to be in her class had online during holiday time. Good definition of a Gang Show dottyscrapper! This one has been going over 40 years & is very well regarded |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 21:05:43 GMT
It's quite a tradition here in the UK that the various troops of Scouts & Guides within their districts get together and put on an annual show called "The Gang Show" It's a kind of variety show which included Sketches ( Drama acts) Dance and musical numbers mainly. I don't know the Scouting policies in another country, but in the US, if the show is a scouting activity, then an adult would have to be able to view the friends only chat room. I think you've misunderstood the bit about the chat room. I'm sure the OP is referring to social media that any friends belong to. Facebook,snap chat or whatever these teens use these days. Nothing to do with a members only Scouting chat room. Surely if you belong to US scouting they don't monitor their private lives outside of scouting do they? |
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MerryMom
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Post by MerryMom on Aug 14, 2015 21:03:27 GMT
I don't know the Scouting policies in another country, but in the US, if the show is a scouting activity, then an adult would have to be able to view the friends only chat room. I think you've misunderstood the bit about the chat room. I'm sure the OP is referring to social media that any friends belong to. Facebook,snap chat or whatever these teens use these days. Nothing to do with a members only Scouting chat room. Surely if you belong to US scouting they don't monitor their private lives outside of scouting do they? It presented to me that the friends chat group was created to communicate about organizing the show, that is why I posted what I did. If it is a generic chat room in which they talk about whatever and every once in a while, the show is mentioned, then no it doesn't have to be monitored. |
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Next time I would be at a rehearsal I'd show the little madam the screen shots and ask for an explanation!!
