Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:25:55 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 13, 2015 22:02:56 GMT
Hi I was talking to my son last night and today at length. (This is odd as we usually just FaceTime in silence talking about nothing). He is a mama's boy and very Japanese (plays his card close to his chest).
He confided in me last night he is feeling "angry" inside. He knows his Granny is in the hospital and she has cancer and very advanced dementia. He lives in Vancouver and I live here on the Island. He has been working full time up until now and goes back to school on the 30th. He misses being in school (he loves his program and is excelling in it).
How do you help a child who says he is angry inside. There are counselling services at the university he goes to. I suggested (gently as I don't tell him what to do-it doesn't work with his kind of personality) that he make an appointment to see someone. NO he doesn't have time for that AND doesn't want to.
I don't think he is clinically depressed, however I watch him like a hawk as depression runs in the family. He wouldn't take medication for it either.
I ask him open ended questions so he does all the talking usually. Today he was ranting about getting a new computer. I am not sure what the problem is. He makes good money, he is a typical teen and knows more about technology than I do, and "needs" to replace his computer. Why he doesn't go to Best Buy and buy the one he likes is anyone's question.
Where is the anger coming from? I praise him, hug him, tell him how proud I am of him, how I am happy he is pursuing what he wants in life, etc. I don't know how to help him. He knows he is loved by a lot of people. (We tell him all the time). He has a massive circle of friends. He is a friend magnet. He could write a book on how to make friends.
He isn't having sexual identity problems as he knows where I stand on homosexuality and he knows I will support whatever he chooses (he is straight). This will never be an issue for us unless he has an issue with it.
I don't think I am a helicopter parent as he is on his own and doing very well. I don't interfere with his life at all. I make no demands of his time or anything.
Where am I going wrong?
|
|
grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
|
Post by grinningcat on Aug 13, 2015 22:08:40 GMT
I think you back off and let him deal with his own emotions. There is no reason at this time to get involved. Let him be an adult without smothering him.
|
|
perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
Jun 26, 2014 18:51:17 GMT
|
Post by perumbula on Aug 13, 2015 22:10:55 GMT
It isn't anything you are doing wrong. You may be on the right track with depression. Often my depression first reveals itself as anger. (My depression is very cyclic.) After the anger passes, then I get indifferent and sad. But the anger is first. It's not uncommon for that to happen, especially if someone doesn't want to admit or accept the depression. If you can somehow get him into counseling, it will help immensely.
|
|
|
Post by disneypal on Aug 13, 2015 22:17:03 GMT
Doesn't sound like you are going wrong anywhere. Not sure how old your son is but I think hormones play a lot in the male angry issues. If he continues to feel this way, perhaps seeing a counselor could help him.
|
|
|
Post by moveablefeast on Aug 13, 2015 22:19:18 GMT
Sometimes life is hard and you walk around feeling angry inside. I've had that phase. Like, angry at flowers and blue skies and puppies and especially anybody who tried to fix it for me.
My advice is to let him feel how he feels for a while. Give him permission. Accept his emotions and give him a safe place to express them. Don't fix. Just listen for now.
It could be a sign of some brewing depression or it could just be life sucks right now and he needs some time to work through it. I would say counseling later if it escalates or starts to interfere with normal life.
Just my gut feeling but obvs I don't know your son.
|
|
eastcoastpea
Prolific Pea
Posts: 9,252
Jun 27, 2014 13:05:28 GMT
|
Post by eastcoastpea on Aug 13, 2015 22:31:44 GMT
I don't think you're doing anything wrong.
It's not unusual for anyone to be angry that a loved one is unwell. He may be upset at the thought of losing his granny.
Just keep doing what you're doing - being open and available.
|
|
purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,790
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
|
Post by purplebee on Aug 13, 2015 22:35:47 GMT
I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It's not unusual for anyone to be angry that a loved one is unwell. He may be upset at the thought of losing his granny. Just keep doing what you're doing - being open and available. This ^^^
|
|
lesley
Drama Llama
My best friend Turriff, desperately missed.
Posts: 7,294
Location: Scotland, Scotland, Scotland
Jul 6, 2014 21:50:44 GMT
|
Post by lesley on Aug 14, 2015 0:03:29 GMT
From what I know of you Delta Dawn, I think you're a great mum, and have a really good relationship with your son. I agree with PPs; don't try and fix things, just let him express his feelings. It's okay for him to be angry about losing his granny, it's okay if he feels frustrated that he can't be at home to help you. Just keep letting him know that these feelings are normal. My DS has a lot of anger - at his sister for being so screwed up, at his dad for all sorts of stuff, at his friends for having much easier lives than he has. I'm sure he must feel angry with me too, although he always swears I'm the only normal person in his life! As long as he can talk about it, and consider strategies for dealing with it and not let it become too corrosive, I'm happy to let him work it out. For now.
|
|
|
Post by darkangel090260 on Aug 14, 2015 0:17:03 GMT
just be there and listen don't try and fix it .
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:25:55 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2015 0:26:13 GMT
Anger can be a symptom of depression. I think sometimes angry people just want to be heard, and there's not much you can fix or do. I also think being a concerned mother is totally normal and not smothering at all. I think if I were in your position I'd just keep listening carefully and if it seemed like the anger was escalating or interfering with the quality of his life, I'd sit down with my child and have a gentle talk about some ways to improve things, not just suggesting he go to a counsellor.
|
|
|
Post by nlwilkins on Aug 14, 2015 0:27:41 GMT
In a way it would be strange if he wasn't angry about his granny. Also, many teenagers go through many ups and downs and their emotions are a bit unstable at the best of times. You are lucky he is sharing these emotions with you, most hide it from their parents. Give him time and the freedom to work through the emotions. That is important so he will learn how to handle them and how to deal. If you try to fix from your end, you are not doing him any favors.
|
|
|
Post by hop2 on Aug 14, 2015 0:35:05 GMT
We took our son to a therapist for beung angry. Found out he was being bullied and wasn't telling us.
|
|
tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,378
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
|
Post by tincin on Aug 14, 2015 1:38:32 GMT
His Grandmother is,"in the hospital and she has cancer and very advanced dementia." I think being angry is an appropriate reaction. There are stages to grief and anger is one of them.
|
|
|
Post by alittleintrepid on Aug 14, 2015 2:01:36 GMT
His Grandmother is,"in the hospital and she has cancer and very advanced dementia." I think being angry is an appropriate reaction. There are stages to grief and anger is one of them. Exactly this. And, I'll emphasize that he is already grieving the loss of his grandmother due to her terminal diagnosis even though she is still alive. Cancer sucks but I think if that is the route of his anger, it is a normal reaction. The fact that his sorrow is deep is likely because it is a strong bond that he is losing.
|
|
LeaP
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,939
Location: Los Angeles, CA where 405 meets 101
Jun 26, 2014 23:17:22 GMT
|
Post by LeaP on Aug 14, 2015 3:25:05 GMT
There might be some external factors. It has been relentlessly hot and humid since the beginning of June. If he doesn't have A/C there is only so much a fan can do. The election is in full swing and all the candidates came out swinging. The loonies is in free fall. Oil is cheap but gas remains expensive. Vancouver is a super expensive place to live and the price of housing is starting be out of the range of many young people. I think Vancouver is a challenging place to transition to adulthood.
**disclaimer, I'm an American living in Vancouver so I might not fully understand what I read in the paper (no televison because we didn't want to sign a 3 yr contract with Telus).
|
|
|
Post by Sassy Sabrina SWZ on Aug 14, 2015 3:47:07 GMT
My DS was an angry teenager, too. I don't think he was clinically depressed, but he once told me, during his college years, that he had a difficult time dealing with his emotions and with stress. No specifics, of course.
I made sure that he knew there was help available at the college's mental health clinic or privately, and the cost (if the bill came to his parents) was absolutely no problem--we just wanted him to be OK. The same was true for his physical health.
The point was that he should know he wasn't backed into a corner with no way out.
Eventually, the situation resolved itself. He's now 33 (what? I can't believe I just wrote that), and his sunny personality has returned.
I think that when your son is an adult, or almost, there isn't anything you can or should do to "fix" the problem. He has to do that himself. But you can just let him know that you've got his back.
|
|
akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
|
Post by akathy on Aug 14, 2015 3:58:03 GMT
I think that when your son is an adult, or almost, there isn't anything you can or should do to "fix" the problem. He has to do that himself. But you can just let him know that you've got his back.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:25:55 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2015 4:32:47 GMT
I can't fix things. That's my problem. I also don't have all the answers and I am he is looking to me to fix things at times. There was an issue he had with his citizenship. I called the Department of Citizenship today and got what he needed. I don't know if he believes me, but he is Canadian and always will be. (We were talking about politics and where we stood on the issues. I want him to vote in the next election. I don't care who he votes for, I just want him to vote.) I feel like I should still be fixing things. I need him to see that he can fix things himself one problem at a time. I wanted him to never question whether I loved him or not. His father didn't and that ticks me off. I felt I had to love him for two, and I think I succeeded. When he was young I wanted to sell him to anyone passing by. Age 10 to now he has been an angel.
|
|
M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
|
Post by M in Carolina on Aug 14, 2015 5:54:00 GMT
It's normal for him to be angry and upset that a loved one is dying. Illness is ugly, and it's ok to be angry about what's happening. It doesn't mean he's depressed or mentally ill.
I have depression because of the irregularity of brain chemicals caused by my illness. I take medications for this. I did have a much harder time when my dad died because I had just been diagnosed with MS and wasn't on the right combination of drugs to help my chemical imbalance.
My mom and other people in my life still judged me because they thought that I was too upset over what had happened and should have "gotten on with my life" even though my dad hadn't been dead for more than 6 months and then a year. My grief was compounded by my mom's horrible behaviour over my dad's estate and her judgement of me.
You're a great mom and should keep an eye on your son. Still, what he's going through is natural and normal. Having someone to talk to is a great idea. I know that it's hard for some people to accept help or to go to someone. It would be a great idea to set a good example by going to a grief counselor yourself. Then you can tell your son how much it helped you. I really was helped by my grief counselor--it really helped to talk to someone on the outside who could see the situation objectively. It really helped me a lot to be told that there was nothing wrong with being sad and grieving over what had happened. People used to grieve their dead for a few years.
I thought your son was in his mid 20s. This is a time where anyone wants to make their own decisions and be independent. It's hard to not feel like you're losing your son, but he needs to be independent. I think he really does love you since he spends so much time talking to you face to face. Hang in there.
I totally understand not wanting to go buy a computer at Best Buy. I'd rather sleep on a rusty bed of nails. He should go to the Apple store on a weekday when they're not busy. Or just order everything online.
|
|
|
Post by gar on Aug 14, 2015 6:29:46 GMT
Perhaps talking to you is the help he needs - getting things out in the open and discussing them can be very good for sorting out your thoughts. As others have said it's normal to feel angry inside about his grandmother being so ill.....there's nothing wrong with that in itself. No one goes through life not feeling angry sometimes and sometimes it can't be fixed - it just is the appropriate emotion at the time. Maybe you're extra aware of this sort of thing because you have suffered with it yourself but the chances are that he's absolutely fine. He's an adult now (isn't he?) albeit a young adult and he needs to work through normal stuff....life isn't all 'happy happy dance' as we know! Keep your eyes and ears open but I'm sure he's fine ETA - reading your last post - you have obviously tried hard to be Mum and Dad to him, to make life good for him, to sort things out for him, all completely normal and understandable, but he has to start doing that for himself and he won't if you always do it for him. Only by perhaps not sorting something occasionally will he learn that lesson.
|
|
|
Post by rainangel on Aug 14, 2015 7:00:14 GMT
If he is confiding in you about his angry feelings, you are doing the opposite of wrong. Young men don't confide that to their mothers if they don't have a good relationship with their mothers. Being a teenager/early 20's is a difficult time, and I think a lot of the stuff happening to us, and around us is more heightened. He may be too young to have learned to deal with grief. I am sure he feels a lot of grief over his grandmother's health. You are older and wiser, and are better equipped to handle hard emotional stuff. He hasn't figured that part out yet, but he's trying. And he'll get there.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:25:55 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 14, 2015 7:41:27 GMT
Like everyone else said just be there for him. Grief is a tricky thing and often unpredictable. Anger is a stage of grieving and sometimes it can happen before the death. It's been a great loss to see his grandma's mental.state change I am sure. Sometimes all you can do is love and turn it over to whomever your higher power is.
|
|
|
Post by manda on Aug 14, 2015 8:21:37 GMT
I wanted him to never question whether I loved him or not. His father didn't and that ticks me off. I felt I had to love him for two, and I think I succeeded. I'm going to say this as gently as I know possible. Perhaps he is angry because his dad is not in his life? I am 39 now (sigh, so old) and it wasn't until recently in the past couple years that I acknowledged the anger and disappointment of not having my father in my life. And recently, it reared it's ugly head again when I thought I had dealt with these issues. The reality is, even if you were and are a great mom, he may have some residual anger that his father is not more involved. I know some kids do just fine with a single parent, but for some of us, the love of one will never equal the love of two. Doesn't matter how much you try. Perhaps it's how we are wired; I don't know. It's an awfully lonely place to be. This has been a very hard and bitter pill to swallow for me and my mother. The reality is that I have never been able to get over that loss in my life. My mom has never understood why she wasn't enough. I could tell you I have felt rejected my entire life, and a lot of that is because my real father is not in my life. I suppose I would suggest continuing to be an open shoulder for your son during this time in his life and allow him to express his emotions as he needs to.
|
|