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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 27, 2015 19:16:06 GMT
I am here to ask for advice because I admittedly get irritated with my mother quite easily and I am not sure what to do about this situation.
Like many people, I often post pictures of my daughter on Facebook. Usually they are of little milestones or events like losing a tooth, dance recital pictures, vacation pictures, etc. Facebook has been great for our family to stay connected with our extended family which is all over the US. One of my 'friends' is my aunt, my mother's sister. She will often like a photo but doesn't really comment or anything. My mother does not have Facebook and refuses to get it. Very kind of out there opinions that involve foil hats and the like. Whatever. Her choice to not be on Facebook. I try as best I can to send the same photos to my mom via email that I post on Facebook but I don't always. It is not a purposefully thing. I just sometimes forget. Daughter will be swimming with my DH and I will take a picture, post it and then jump in and swim myself.
A few weeks ago I found out from my sister, because of course my mom can't just talk to me, that my mom was extremely upset because she talked to her sister and she mentioned something about a cute picture of my DD. It happened to be one that I hadn't sent my mom. My mom went off on my sister (we are used to this..she does it to us all the time) about how hurtful it was that I don't include her...on and on. My sister let me know that my mom was mad. I tried to be better about making sure to send the pictures but it happened again this week. Again, it really isn't on purpose.
So last night I got an email from my mom. She's says I have no idea how it makes her feel when her sister knows something about DD that she doesn't. I decide to just call her so I can tell her it really isn't on purpose and that I will again try to be better about sending more photos. I called her this morning and barely got that sentence out and she went off. How she doesn't understand why her sister has to be so involved in my DD life. My aunt has grandkids of her own...on and on and on. She was talking in circles. I didn't know what to say so I just repeated myself that I was sorry that she felt bad, that wasn't my intent and I will try to be better about sending pictures. My mom wants me to unfriend my aunt. I am not doing it. My mom is being ridiculous. I didn't say that to her but I wanted to. I did tell her I wasn't unfriending my aunt. She got mad and hung up on me. Again, not a new thing.
About an hour later I got a text from my sister. My mom called her saying I was such an awful daughter and she asked me to do one little thing for her and I won't even do that. My guess is that I won't be hearing from my mom anytime soon..but my poor sister will. I firmly believe that my mother's mental health is an issue. She shuts herself and my dad up, isolates, refuses to come visit because of her cats, finds every excuse why we can't go visit (honestly, I don't want to). I am at my wits end. I don't know what to do.
Thoughts? Advice? Thanks for reading... I have to run some errands but I will be back.
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Post by sues on Aug 27, 2015 19:27:26 GMT
Oh boy! I'm sorry this is happening.
I think your mother is being unreasonable. She obviously has issues with this sister and it's coloring the matter.
I would not unfriend your aunt.
If it was convenient, I might filter her out of most of the pictures though. Just to sort of ease that situation with your mom. (And I say that because it sounds like your aunt might be passive aggressively using her access to you, to poke your mother.)
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Post by mrsovy on Aug 27, 2015 19:32:37 GMT
I understand your pain, I too have issues similar to this with my mother. Although my mothers are alcohol related (not that she would ever admit it).
I am on Facebook although I don't post much, occasionally post the odd photo & status update.. I have family scattered across the country & use Facebook to see what they & their children are up to.
My mother is not on Facebook but will rant & rave about it, recently about a photo one of my cousins posted showing our nan (my mothers mum). Personally I would not post a photo of someone in a hospital bed, my nan was in for tests, but my nan ok,d the photo & was quite pleased with it. My mother hit the roof, saying it was disrespectful & asking me to get it taken off! Trying to explain to her that I couldn't remove the photo because I hadn't posted it was like hitting my head against a brick wall.
My mother is not consistsnt with her dislike of Facebook, my youngest sister posted (5yrs ago now) that she was pregnant with child no4, I commented that I was not impressed finding out she was pregnant by reading about it on Facebook to which my mother again went mad saying it was a lovely way to share happy news!
I hope that things improve with your mother soon, my only advice is to keep smiling and let it all wash over you x
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Post by anonrefugee on Aug 27, 2015 19:37:00 GMT
I'm sorry, I previously thought my mother should be on FB to keep up with friends but am glad she didn't do it. She isn't able to read between the lines of group, light communications and takes things too seriously. Even volunteer emails are causing distress at home. She assigns status to the order of who gets notified - how & when - completely forgetting how busy people are and how easily they can be interrupted - especially in a crisis. It goes on and on.
I recently talked with my father about hearing or medication issues being further explored. There's a chance it might be early signs of Alzheimer's or other dementia. I don't want that, but...It was distressing he had already thought of it but had delayed talking to me.
You have my sympathy and I hope you get good advice. I will be watching this thread.
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scorpeao
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Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Aug 27, 2015 19:37:29 GMT
I have very similar issues with my mother, but I handle them WAY differently. I don't apologize. I tell my mother it's her problem not mine. In your case I'd tell my mom that if she wanted to be so involved that she needed to get FB end of story!
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Post by abr79 on Aug 27, 2015 19:39:00 GMT
There are 2 issues here - a FB issue and a Mom issue.
First, I couldn't even fully read everything you wrote about your mom because it was making me shake a little bit because OMG IS YOUR MOTHER MY MOTHER?? I mean, I know she's not but still - the last paragraph about isolating herself, etc. really hit home for me. Clearly there is a huge relationship issue between your mother and you that truly has nothing to do with photos of your daughter and being friends with your aunt on FB. It's a much bigger issue that has to do with communication and expectations and neither of you are doing what you should be doing (in figuring out how to deal with it). Not that I have an answer for what you should do - like I said, my mother is a loon and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with her. I believe her to be a tiny bit bi-polar (based on what I read...not that we'll ever find out because she DOESN'T BELIEVE in going to the doctor...) and our relationship has always been a battle and too many ups and downs to count. So I feel for you and hope you guys can figure it out. Sometimes, though...sometimes, walking away is just the best for everyone.
That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend.
I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way.
Good luck and sorry.
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lesley
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Post by lesley on Aug 27, 2015 19:39:30 GMT
On the basis that this sounds like only one issue out of many you and your mum have, I would carry on doing just what you're doing. Don't unfriend your aunt, don't restrict her access, just keep sending the occasional photo to your mum. You might consider suggesting to your aunt that it might be a good idea if she didn't tell your mum anything about what you post, but only you will know if she would do that. If your mum isn't willing to use Facebook, then she only has herself to blame if she misses out on photos. And I say this as someone who is not a fan of Facebook at all. Tell her that if she got FB, then she would see just as many photos of her sister's grandchildren as the sister sees of hers !
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Deleted
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May 11, 2024 6:53:20 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 19:46:30 GMT
This is definitely your mothers issue not yours, you don't have to apologise to her, you did nothing wrong. She hung up on you and won't be contacting you again anytime soon? Good, use that time to breath and not be involved in her drama. When 'you' feel ready, by all means call to see that they're ok but don't buy in to her histrionics, it's not worth inviting that kind of stress in to your life.
I would also redo your settings on FB to not share things with your aunt for a while, no good poking the puppy.
Now if only I could learn how to take my own advice!!
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Post by nyxish on Aug 27, 2015 19:48:52 GMT
Blink.
Wow, ok, yes, your mom is being entirely unreasonable, and bless, but you are a saint. i do not think i would have been able to reign in my irritation about that whole thing.
You know your mom... i mean, is it worth pointing out to her that if she wants to be 'in the loop' then she needs to get her own FB account - even if she never posts anything on it? (or would that just create more avenues for drama?) Is it worth just telling her that she's being unreasonable bordering on kinda nutty? Is she feeling neglected by you/your siblings in general? Is she just a drama llama? Does she have issues with your aunt otherwise or just issues with everyone?
Honestly, in your shoes i'd like be so annoyed i'd just keep on doing what i'm doing and ignore her. i'd try very hard not to be snide and just not send her pictures at all - on purpose or just subconsciously avoiding her. But i'd be tempted. Gods i would be. Because i am a terrible person, and i am able to own that.
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julieb
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Post by julieb on Aug 27, 2015 19:49:16 GMT
My DH is not on FB, but I am. I am friends with DH's cousins, aunts, etc., obviously my grown children and my nieces and nephews (in-laws other grandchildren). My MIL (who is wonderful) and FIL (who is an ass) have mentioned to DH that Aunt so-and-so saw a picture, etc. DH told his mom & dad that if they want to see any pics or updates then they should get a FB account. DH even offered to set it up for them. They don't want to be bothered. The End.  P.S. Sounds like your mom is just manipulative. Stand your ground. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 19:50:12 GMT
No advice, just sorry this is going on. It hurts when your mother acts like that!
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anniebygaslight
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Post by anniebygaslight on Aug 27, 2015 19:52:05 GMT
I have very similar issues with my mother, but I handle them WAY differently. I don't apologize. I tell my mother it's her problem not mine. In your case I'd tell my mom that if she wanted to be so involved that she needed to get FB end of story! You can either do this or unfriend the meddling aunt. |
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MizIndependent
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Quit your bullpoop.
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Post by MizIndependent on Aug 27, 2015 19:52:29 GMT
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Rhondito
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MississipPea
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Post by Rhondito on Aug 27, 2015 19:53:35 GMT
I would suggest that your mom get a FB account but only add you and your sister as friends. Then she can see pictures but not have to deal with the rest of it.
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Post by Dictionary on Aug 27, 2015 19:58:05 GMT
Well I think you have it figured out, you are trying to deal with your mother just the way she is and unfortunately she isn't happy about. You can simply tell her if she really wants to be on the first to know then she should join facebook if she doesn't want to do that then she will just need to wait until you have time to email. Perhaps you can just do your mailings on a weekly basis to stay more organized about it. If and when she rants about FB then I would just tell her simply unfriending you aunt isn't going to exclude her to see it because she is friends with all your other family members which basically means when you post and your sister sees it then your aunt will see it on her page (yeah I know that's technically how it works but your mom doesn't know that) so you would have to unfriend your entire family and if she for some unrealistic reason would want you to do that then simply say sorry it's easier for one stubborn women to join fb then to expect you to unfriend dozens of your family/friends just to appease her.
Other than that..so sorry and tell your sister she doesn't always have to answer the phone. Hopefully you can find some peace amongst all this drama.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 20:00:41 GMT
I am so sorry that you are going through this. This sounds so similar to my own mother, that I could have written it. My mother was mentally ill, and on the advice of her psychiatrist I removed myself from interactions with her. It was NEVER going to get better...
You aren't wrong and need to do what you feel is right for you and your family.
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Post by lancermom on Aug 27, 2015 20:02:45 GMT
I can not imagine having to send every little picture by email. Ore-FB my mother was the same about in laws. MIL had all these pictures and she had none. Why?? Because MIL wanted to be a grandma and she did things with the grandkids. It is not your fault she isolated herself. My mom finally started seeing the light and changed her ways. It was almost too late tho.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 27, 2015 20:09:02 GMT
All I can say is wow! You cannot be expected to duplicate every single picture you post on FB and send it to your mom - you have a bit more important things in life.
I would just say "mom - if you want to know the same thing that Aunt so-and-so knows, the minute she knows it, all I can tell you is set up a FB account, but since you don't want to do that, I can't control anything else" - I will try to remember to send you photos but it takes a split second to post on FB and it is more time consuming to send by email."
I also might have a short chat with your aunt - not make a big deal, but I am sure she knows how her sister is....just tell you aunt not to talk about your or DD's activities on FB to your mom and tell her why - that she feels left out - even though it is your mom's choice to be left out. Tell your aunt it will make life so much easier if she just didn't talk about the FB posts to your mom. I'm sure your aunt will understand.
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GiantsFan
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Jun 27, 2014 14:44:56 GMT
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Post by GiantsFan on Aug 27, 2015 20:11:06 GMT
I would suggest that your mom get a FB account but only add you and your sister as friends. Then she can see pictures but not have to deal with the rest of it. This is what I suggest, too. I'm not on Facebook (or apple cloud or whatever it's called ) and there are lots of family photos I miss. But that's on me. I don't expect anyone to do anything special for me. But when they do I'm grateful. I recently set up an IG accounts I'm in the know now. To be honest and blunt, your mom needs to get a FB account or deal. I know that sounds harsh, but you can't be expected to send her everthing. Maybe your sister or her sister can help her set one up. |
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Post by Spongemom Scrappants on Aug 27, 2015 20:13:55 GMT
Facebook really doesn't seem to be the illness here... just another symptom. You describe other concerns about your mother's mental health and her choice to isolate herself. That's where the problem lies.
You can lose yourself down too many rabbit holes chasing every little thing that someone like your mom might get upset about. If it weren't FB, it would be something else.
You sound like you are being more than reasonable in the way you are responding to her. Just keep your focus on the real issue and don't let her guilt you over made-up little side-issues like this that really aren't the problem to begin with.
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Post by bigbundt on Aug 27, 2015 20:15:49 GMT
That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend. I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way. Sooooo, what you are saying is that people should cater to other people and send everything in whatever different communication they prefer? So I have to: - email some people (taking time to resize it so it isn't too big to send) - put stuff on my Shutterfly share site for others (uploading to my regular account and then selecting the ones to put on the share site) - text others (if it was taken with my phone, which not all of my pictures are and not everyone has a smartphone or texting) - print and snail mail to even more people - put videos on YouTube (uploading and then emailing the unlisted link to those people) - .... come on I have time to post to FB, not broadcast it to my family who is all over the page with what they want. I could easily spend half an hour sharing ONE photo instead of 10 seconds on FB. I do my best to accommodate people, especially older relatives who aren't technologically literate, but they are asking a lot if they demand the same exact information all the time in their preferred method. If you aren't on FB fine but you aren't going to get the same exact information and you shouldn't demand it, mom or not. My mom complained about me not uploading to my Shutterfly share account frequently and I flat out told her that it wasn't something that I was going to do every day or even weekly because it takes time. If she wanted up to the minute updates and to see all of my mundane photos of DD, she needed to get on FB. She did and she is actually doing much better with it than I expected. It's like my mom being mad because my MIL has more day to day interaction with DD because she lives in our town and not six states away. It isn't going to be equal, sorry. |
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azredhead
Drama Llama
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Post by azredhead on Aug 27, 2015 20:18:31 GMT
I feel your pain. I used to get this from my mom. But it was after I moved here. It was my 'punishment' for moving away. I would get hate mail at 3am. like you for the same reasons. Like you. Don't unfriend your aunt. THere's nothing you can do to change her mind. She is being unreasonable. For some reason you are being her target. Some times I can talk my mom off 'her ledge'. Other times I can't. it just depends. She's gotten better. LOTS better. BUT STAND YOUR GROUND! You have to. I think that my mom has learned now that I won't back down and that has helped. Just do your thing with your family and keep posting pics and whatever. If she wants to be involved she can wants to be involved she can get an account - my mom did eventually. It's been a lot better.
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Post by Karmady on Aug 27, 2015 20:26:32 GMT
I'm sorry that you are going through this. My late mother was a lot like that. I couldn't wrap my brain around some of her issues. She always told me that it was "I" who had issues and was so different.....except "I" can interact with lots of people and have friends?  She couldn't and didn't have many friends. It took me until the age of 40 before I figured this out and realized that nothing was ever going to change. I just started redirecting my life and what the kids were doing so she wouldn't be a big part of it. It was more subtle. The last six months of my mother's life were dreadful, she had cancer. She died a miserable, awful death  I went to see her in hospice every day and she was miserable to me every single day while adoring my brother in front of me. Sigh...... Tell her you can set up FB for her. If she still rejects the idea, you may have to keep her at arms length. Continue to send her dd's pictures here and there and tell your sister that you don't want to hear the negative comments. Your sister will have to tell your mom to stop the complaints as well. Maybe she'll get the message. |
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Post by cmpeter on Aug 27, 2015 20:28:01 GMT
My mom is the same way. She doesn't want a FB account and had a slightly competitive relationship with her sisters who are on FB. I chose to just disengage from the drama. I don't go out of my way to share everything with my mom. She has the password to my Shutterfly account and knows how to see my YouTube videos. If she wants more, it's on her to make the effort. If she complains I remind her she can make a FB account, even use a fake name, never put up a profile pic and only friend me and my sister. It's her choice at this point.
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Post by abr79 on Aug 27, 2015 20:43:25 GMT
That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend. I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way. Sooooo, what you are saying is that people should cater to other people and send everything in whatever different communication they prefer? So I have to: - email some people (taking time to resize it so it isn't too big to send) - put stuff on my Shutterfly share site for others (uploading to my regular account and then selecting the ones to put on the share site) - text others (if it was taken with my phone, which not all of my pictures are and not everyone has a smartphone or texting) - print and snail mail to even more people - put videos on YouTube (uploading and then emailing the unlisted link to those people) - .... come on I have time to post to FB, not broadcast it to my family who is all over the page with what they want. I could easily spend half an hour sharing ONE photo instead of 10 seconds on FB. I do my best to accommodate people, especially older relatives who aren't technologically literate, but they are asking a lot if they demand the same exact information all the time in their preferred method. If you aren't on FB fine but you aren't going to get the same exact information and you shouldn't demand it, mom or not. My mom complained about me not uploading to my Shutterfly share account frequently and I flat out told her that it wasn't something that I was going to do every day or even weekly because it takes time. If she wanted up to the minute updates and to see all of my mundane photos of DD, she needed to get on FB. She did and she is actually doing much better with it than I expected. It's like my mom being mad because my MIL has more day to day interaction with DD because she lives in our town and not six states away. It isn't going to be equal, sorry. Um...pretty sure I didn't say any of that but...ooookay. My experience with people who post regularly to FB - they post to FB and, yes, it takes 10-15 seconds. But they probably also put a little caption, too. And then, when people comment, they like (and sometimes respond to) said comment. And they probably check to see how many likes are out there as well. All of that takes time that could easily be used to send a quick text or email - not every single photo but a quick "look what little Susie did today!"?? If you can post to FB from your phone you can do that as well. I'm not saying the OP has to cater to every single family member who isn't on FB, but this is her mother and grandmother to her child. It's a little bit different. Also, clearly her mother has bigger issues that just not being "in the loop"...which I also mentioned. So it's a little more complicated than "get on FB or deal..." |
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peabay
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Jun 25, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
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Post by peabay on Aug 27, 2015 20:51:54 GMT
She has mental health issues for sure. And I think therein lies your problem. FB is just the catalyst.
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Post by bigbundt on Aug 27, 2015 21:01:22 GMT
Um...pretty sure I didn't say any of that but...ooookay. This is what you said that stuck out to me: I was pointing out that it isn't an apple and oranges time investment comparison. I think it is nice to try and include people as best you can but it is super shitty for someone to be up in arms because they don't get the same exact information, expecting you to make the effort when they aren't willing to do the same. Mom/grandmother or not, it is unreasonable. And yes, there do seem to be other factors at play. My mom comes from a crazy family. C-R-A-Z-Y. Similar issues, very competitive, compare everything with everyone, everything has to be exactly equal or they get offended over the most benign things. There is always a feud or someone not talking to someone else and people expecting you to pick sides. I've learned that I will never satisfy them so I don't feed the crazy. I live my life and if they want to be involved, they know where to find me, I don't go out of my way to appease them because it will never be good enough. And that goes for my mom too because when there aren't boundaries and I give an inch, she takes a mile. Crazy needs boundaries. |
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georgiapea
Drama Llama
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Post by georgiapea on Aug 27, 2015 21:21:32 GMT
I would tell my mother that I am not singling out my aunt - her sister - to receive updates on DD but that she is seeing the new info on Facebook. Which, you, mother dearest CHOOSE not to participate in. I would tell my mother bluntly that she is NOT to crap I mean crab at her sister when said sister knows something she does not. Get on facebook or quite frankly, STFU. I would continue to post on Facebook and probably stop sending mother pictures via text.
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Post by abr79 on Aug 27, 2015 21:38:51 GMT
I admire all.of you who have the balls to stand up to their moms and stand their ground that way. Teach me your ways.
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ladymadonna
Shy Member
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Post by ladymadonna on Aug 27, 2015 22:28:34 GMT
This isn't going to be a popular answer, but I would just hide picture posts from your aunt if you're not taking the time to email it to your mother. It's really easy to do and then neither you not your sister will have to listen to her rants. Don't even think her own sister doesn't realize she's pushing your mom's buttons with this! Yes, ultimately it is your mother's problem and her fault but your life will be easier if your aunt stops reporting your posts to her sister. I'm a pushover but I like peace in my life. Lol
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She couldn't and didn't have many friends. It took me until the age of 40 before I figured this out and realized that nothing was ever going to change. I just started redirecting my life and what the kids were doing so she wouldn't be a big part of it. It was more subtle. 
I went to see her in hospice every day and she was miserable to me every single day while adoring my brother in front of me. Sigh......
