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Post by lisacharlotte on Aug 27, 2015 22:52:18 GMT
This isn't about Facebook and the photos. it's a long standing family dynamic that only you can decide to play along with or break the cycle. Also know that you are modeling behaviors for your daughter in how to deal with relatives with lousy boundaries.
I vote for stand your ground. If your mom doesn't like it she can join Facebook.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 27, 2015 22:54:19 GMT
I like peace too, but I would have a hard time being controlled by my mother. If you give in and do anything she has asked, it will probably just get worse. Who knows if your aunt is egging your mom on, but it doesn't matter. Mom has the exact same access to FB as your aunt. Don't let your mom bully you. I guess cannot imagine my mom ever doing anything remotely like this.
Please, God, let me be a normal mom to my kids.
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Post by vspindler on Aug 27, 2015 23:02:19 GMT
My mom made my dad join Facebook because she was sick of him pulling the "nobody tells me anything" tantrums. She told him that no one was necessarily telling her either, but she saw it on FB.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 13:07:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 23:12:26 GMT
My mom was a bit frustrated about the kids no longer using email for communicating and had moved to facebook. I told her this was the current method of communicating. Yes, it is a big change just like when they stopped sending postal mail and used email. She had to learn email. Now she has to learn facebook
We talked about what she was afraid of (all the stuff she had heard that may or may not be true if you set your security settings and don't accept every friend request) She already had a lot of people at church that wanted her on facebook and she didn't want involved in their drama. In the end she decided to set up a facebook account. I helped her. She has a pretty unique name and she didn't want people searching for her so I helped her set her account using her middle and maiden names. The only people on her friends list is me, my kids, their spouses and my sister. I've showed her how to delete friend requests and when I am there I check her privacy settings. Now she can see what is going on, not feel left out and her fears about facebook have been alleviated.
So find out, if you can, what the issue is about facebook. Then help your mom set up an account. Tell her this IS the way it is. She can either join or miss out. HER choice.
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Why
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,137
Jun 26, 2014 4:03:09 GMT
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Post by Why on Aug 27, 2015 23:56:53 GMT
I have a FB account. Fake name. I got it so I could play some of the games. I only made one post and it says "Only here for the games". I have 4 friends that asked me and I said if they were ok sharing their stuff knowing there would be no returns on my side then OK.
I do wish I did not get notices every time they "like" something but I can live with it.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 28, 2015 0:18:26 GMT
Thank you for all the responses. Many of you are right, if it isn't about the Facebook thing it will be something else. There always is. That's why I am not unfriending my aunt. I am so tired of changing my behavior because of hers. How much do we owe our mothers? I will try to be better about sending pictures. It won't be enough though. It never is.
I have gotten much better about standing my ground than when I first left home. It isn't easy though. Moving states away has helped. Seeing a therapist has helped. I have am closer every year to being at peace with her being who she is and that the kind of relationship I wish I had with her will never be. I remember when I was pregnant and we found out we were having a girl. I cried for hours because I didn't know if I could do it. It broke my heart to think about my DD ever feeling about me the way that I feel about my mom. And then my DH, in his wisdom, reminded me that I am not her. I know what advice I would give a friend...but it is harder to live it for myself.
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Post by abr79 on Aug 28, 2015 0:23:32 GMT
Thank you for all the responses. Many of you are right, if it isn't about the Facebook thing it will be something else. There always is. That's why I am not unfriending my aunt. I am so tired of changing my behavior because of hers. How much do we owe our mothers? I will try to be better about sending pictures. It won't be enough though. It never is. I have gotten much better about standing my ground than when I first left home. It isn't easy though. Moving states away has helped. Seeing a therapist has helped. I have am closer every year to being at peace with her being who she is and that the kind of relationship I wish I had with her will never be. I remember when I was pregnant and we found out we were having a girl. I cried for hours because I didn't know if I could do it. It broke my heart to think about my DD ever feeling about me the way that I feel about my mom. And then my DH, in his wisdom, reminded me that I am not her. I know what advice I would give a friend...but it is harder to live it for myself. Big hugs. I seriously do feel for you with the mom stuff. I'm still struggling with mine (accepting that she is who she is and that I will never have the mother/daughter relationship with her I long for). Little steps, right?
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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 28, 2015 0:27:03 GMT
There are 2 issues here - a FB issue and a Mom issue. First, I couldn't even fully read everything you wrote about your mom because it was making me shake a little bit because OMG IS YOUR MOTHER MY MOTHER?? I mean, I know she's not but still - the last paragraph about isolating herself, etc. really hit home for me. Clearly there is a huge relationship issue between your mother and you that truly has nothing to do with photos of your daughter and being friends with your aunt on FB. It's a much bigger issue that has to do with communication and expectations and neither of you are doing what you should be doing (in figuring out how to deal with it). Not that I have an answer for what you should do - like I said, my mother is a loon and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with her. I believe her to be a tiny bit bi-polar (based on what I read...not that we'll ever find out because she DOESN'T BELIEVE in going to the doctor...) and our relationship has always been a battle and too many ups and downs to count. So I feel for you and hope you guys can figure it out. Sometimes, though...sometimes, walking away is just the best for everyone. That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend. I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way. Good luck and sorry. Maybe some of it is unconsciously on purpose. As I think about it, I can't ever just send a picture and have her say, "Wow! Looks great!" or "Seems like you had a fun time!" It's always "It's too bad you are getting heavier. It was so great when you were trim." (her response from a family picture on a hike we went on) or "I would never have spent money on something like that. I hope you know what you are doing."(her response to pictures from when we went rafting) or "I can't believe DH takes all his vacation. It must really like not working." (she pretty much hates DH) It's exhausting and I hate it.
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Post by 950nancy on Aug 28, 2015 0:31:50 GMT
There are 2 issues here - a FB issue and a Mom issue. First, I couldn't even fully read everything you wrote about your mom because it was making me shake a little bit because OMG IS YOUR MOTHER MY MOTHER?? I mean, I know she's not but still - the last paragraph about isolating herself, etc. really hit home for me. Clearly there is a huge relationship issue between your mother and you that truly has nothing to do with photos of your daughter and being friends with your aunt on FB. It's a much bigger issue that has to do with communication and expectations and neither of you are doing what you should be doing (in figuring out how to deal with it). Not that I have an answer for what you should do - like I said, my mother is a loon and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with her. I believe her to be a tiny bit bi-polar (based on what I read...not that we'll ever find out because she DOESN'T BELIEVE in going to the doctor...) and our relationship has always been a battle and too many ups and downs to count. So I feel for you and hope you guys can figure it out. Sometimes, though...sometimes, walking away is just the best for everyone. That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend. I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way. Good luck and sorry. Maybe some of it is unconsciously on purpose. As I think about it, I can't ever just send a picture and have her say, "Wow! Looks great!" or "Seems like you had a fun time!" It's always "It's too bad you are getting heavier. It was so great when you were trim." (her response from a family picture on a hike we went on) or "I would never have spent money on something like that. I hope you know what you are doing."(her response to pictures from when we went rafting) or "I can't believe DH takes all his vacation. It must really like not working." (she pretty much hates DH) It's exhausting and I hate it. Oh, my. I think I want to change my response. You don't want her on your FB page. Ouch! I would tell her flat out to be nice or you won't send any more pictures. Tell her how to treat you. She sounds very unhappy.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 28, 2015 0:33:23 GMT
Maybe some of it is unconsciously on purpose. As I think about it, I can't ever just send a picture and have her say, "Wow! Looks great!" or "Seems like you had a fun time!" It's always "It's too bad you are getting heavier. It was so great when you were trim." (her response from a family picture on a hike we went on) or "I would never have spent money on something like that. I hope you know what you are doing."(her response to pictures from when we went rafting) or "I can't believe DH takes all his vacation. It must really like not working." (she pretty much hates DH) It's exhausting and I hate it. Oh, my. I think I want to change my response. You don't want her on your FB page. Ouch! I would tell her flat out to be nice or you won't send any more pictures. Tell her how to treat you. She sounds very unhappy. She is super unhappy. I have been very explicit with her about how a certain action or words have hurt me. She doesn't get it.
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Post by abr79 on Aug 28, 2015 0:35:48 GMT
There are 2 issues here - a FB issue and a Mom issue. First, I couldn't even fully read everything you wrote about your mom because it was making me shake a little bit because OMG IS YOUR MOTHER MY MOTHER?? I mean, I know she's not but still - the last paragraph about isolating herself, etc. really hit home for me. Clearly there is a huge relationship issue between your mother and you that truly has nothing to do with photos of your daughter and being friends with your aunt on FB. It's a much bigger issue that has to do with communication and expectations and neither of you are doing what you should be doing (in figuring out how to deal with it). Not that I have an answer for what you should do - like I said, my mother is a loon and I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with her. I believe her to be a tiny bit bi-polar (based on what I read...not that we'll ever find out because she DOESN'T BELIEVE in going to the doctor...) and our relationship has always been a battle and too many ups and downs to count. So I feel for you and hope you guys can figure it out. Sometimes, though...sometimes, walking away is just the best for everyone. That said, as someone who also doesn't have FB (no consipiracy reasons or anything...just because it's not good for my personality), I hate when I find something out second hand and people are like "well, it was on FB...." Even worse when it's a close family member or long-time friend. I see it as an excuse and, honestly, though you said you aren't not sharing on purpose...maybe it's a little bit on purpose because you don't want to make extra time to send to her. If you have time to post on FB, why can't you attach it to a quick email (I'm assuming she has email, of course) or text it to her? Something little goes a long way. Good luck and sorry. Maybe some of it is unconsciously on purpose. As I think about it, I can't ever just send a picture and have her say, "Wow! Looks great!" or "Seems like you had a fun time!" It's always "It's too bad you are getting heavier. It was so great when you were trim." (her response from a family picture on a hike we went on) or "I would never have spent money on something like that. I hope you know what you are doing."(her response to pictures from when we went rafting) or "I can't believe DH takes all his vacation. It must really like not working." (she pretty much hates DH) It's exhausting and I hate it. OMG...this is kind of freaky - this is exactly what my mom does. She has NOTHING positive to say about anything. The last time we had words, I even asked her, "Why can't you just be supportive? Why do you always have to critique?" Her response, "then I wouldn't be being honest...I'm not going to pretend to be something else just to make you feel better." It is exhausting and I also hate it. And I was kind of wondering if it wasn't something subconscious...I do a similar thing with my mom, which is why I mentioned it Ugh. Why are mothers so ridiculous sometimes??? Anyone else, we wouldn't stand for the madness for as long but because they are our mothers we are hard-wired to accept the madness for longer.
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Post by fiddlesticks on Aug 28, 2015 0:40:02 GMT
Maybe some of it is unconsciously on purpose. As I think about it, I can't ever just send a picture and have her say, "Wow! Looks great!" or "Seems like you had a fun time!" It's always "It's too bad you are getting heavier. It was so great when you were trim." (her response from a family picture on a hike we went on) or "I would never have spent money on something like that. I hope you know what you are doing."(her response to pictures from when we went rafting) or "I can't believe DH takes all his vacation. It must really like not working." (she pretty much hates DH) It's exhausting and I hate it. OMG...this is kind of freaky - this is exactly what my mom does. She has NOTHING positive to say about anything. The last time we had words, I even asked her, "Why can't you just be supportive? Why do you always have to critique?" Her response, "then I wouldn't be being honest...I'm not going to pretend to be something else just to make you feel better." It is exhausting and I also hate it. And I was kind of wondering if it wasn't something subconscious...I do a similar thing with my mom, which is why I mentioned it Ugh. Why are mothers so ridiculous sometimes??? Anyone else, we wouldn't stand for the madness for as long but because they are our mothers we are hard-wired to accept the madness for longer. You are so right. It baffles my husband. He says, "You don't put up with anything from anyone...except for her...and that's the one person you shouldn't even have to worry about it."
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 11, 2024 13:07:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 28, 2015 0:48:16 GMT
Thank you for all the responses. Many of you are right, if it isn't about the Facebook thing it will be something else. There always is. That's why I am not unfriending my aunt. I am so tired of changing my behavior because of hers. How much do we owe our mothers? I will try to be better about sending pictures. It won't be enough though. It never is.
I have gotten much better about standing my ground than when I first left home. It isn't easy though. Moving states away has helped. Seeing a therapist has helped. I have am closer every year to being at peace with her being who she is and that the kind of relationship I wish I had with her will never be. I remember when I was pregnant and we found out we were having a girl. I cried for hours because I didn't know if I could do it. It broke my heart to think about my DD ever feeling about me the way that I feel about my mom. And then my DH, in his wisdom, reminded me that I am not her. I know what advice I would give a friend...but it is harder to live it for myself. Once DH and I realized this, the bolded part, about his mother, dealing with her became a little easier. We treat her with respect and kindness, but we don't change our ways to suit her. Her days of manipulating us, especially DH, were over when he finally understood that giving in to her tantrums only made the behavior continue. My advice is to continue doing what you're doing. You don't need to do better about sending pictures. She is getting pictures from you via email. If she doesn't get every one, that's her fault for not being a part of social media. Even if you emailed every single picture that you posted on FB, you know that it still wouldn't be enough. So stop playing her game. She wins every time you change to suit her whims. You're a good daughter. Remember that.
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azredhead
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,755
Jun 25, 2014 22:49:18 GMT
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Post by azredhead on Aug 28, 2015 0:49:44 GMT
fiddlesticks that was one of the reasons we DID move.. and it was the best thing for us in that sense and we don't have kids. I can imagine it would have been far worse if we had. So I totally feel for you.. I am glad you are not going to unfriend your aunt and tiptoe around her.. it is hard because you do tell her how it is and sometimes they get it and sometimes they don't. You can leave the ball in her end and see where it goes. But do your thing.. Hang in there. I seems ridiculous sometimes. but it can get better.
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