doingmybest
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Post by doingmybest on Aug 27, 2015 20:09:24 GMT
I've created a new user ID because I couldn't find my last one. A couple of years ago my DS was struggling with the idea that he might be gay or bi-sexual. We were very open and honest with him and told him that we loved him unconditionally and so long as he was true to himself we would be happy with whatever decision he made. Over the last couple of years it has gone from might be gay/bi-sexual to being bi-curious and now as a high school freshman he says he knows that for now he is straight. Truth be told, I'm going to love this kid no matter what. PERIOD. We talk freely about things in our home and I think he knows we are always going to be his soft place to land.
While he was going through this rough patch, he started seeing a counselor. He had told me that he had watched porn and he also discussed it with his counselor. He was 13 at the time. She told him that so long as he understood that what he was watching wasn't based on real relationships or how things really are between partners and that he didn't over abuse how much time he was watching it, she thought it would be fine. The counselor and I talked about how when we were younger boys looked at Playboy, but I still wasn't comfortable because on-line porn is live action that leaves nothing to the imagination. He stopped going to counseling about a year ago because we all felt like we were in a good place.
For the last several months DS is taking extremely frequent and LONG showers. I'm not completely stupid and know what he's doing in there. Last night I talked to him about it and he said he's watching porn on his phone while he's in the tub. I told him that I thought that he was becoming too dependent on watching it and that I was afraid that he was going to have problems in the future if that was what he needed to become aroused. He told me if I didn't want him to, he would stop watching it. I've struggled with this. I'm not a prude. I get that teenage boys are a ball of hormones. I just don't know if this is healthy or "normal" behavior.
Our situation and insurance has changed and the counselor we used in the past isn't available to us. Does anyone have any words of wisdom. I'm prone to over-react to things and don't want to do that in this situation. I want him to grow into a healthy young man who is capable of intimate relationships that are appropriate and mutually satisfying. Thanks in advance.
ETA for clarity: I did tell him that I don't want him watching it anymore. I also told him that I was smart enough to know that if he wanted to continue to do it, I would have no way of knowing and that I trust him at his word. I told him we would talk about it again tonight to make sure that he understood that if he told me that he was going to stop watching it, then I had to count on him to stand behind his words. We are very big on honesty in our house.
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UPDATE: DS and I sat down to talk last night. It was open and honest. I told him that I had really thought about what was going on and told him again that I did not want him watching porn anymore. I explained to him that there is a reason that you're supposed to be 18 or older to watch it. I told him that his mind is still growing and he has so much more to learn about life. We talked about the fact that what he was seeing of the sex in porn is not real. Those are paid actors. I told him that masturbation at his age is a normal thing to do and that I didn't have a problem with that. I told him that I was afraid if he continued to watch porn that he might have problems or disappointments with real relationships with real girls because they weren't what he had been watching.
At one point he let out a big sigh and almost seemed relieved that I had told him I wanted him to stop. Maybe he was just looking for someone to tell him that it's not okay. I told him that I wasn't going to pry into his "personal time" but every now and again I would probably ask if he had watched anything. I told him I would have more respect for him if he was honest and told me that he had started watching again rather than him lying to me. So, for right now, I'm going to let him continue to explore his sexuality the good old fashioned way and I trust that he will tell me the truth should I ask him about what he's watching.
Thanks for all of your opinions. I really appreciate it.
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Post by disneypal on Aug 27, 2015 20:15:09 GMT
Then I think you should tell him that is what you want. I'm not sure how old your DS is now but I assume he is still a teen and teens really have no reason to be watching porn. I'm like you, I don't want to sound like a prude, but you don't want him to become addicted to it.
In addition, I applaud you for having such an open and honest relationship with your DS that you can discuss these kind of things. If you really don't think he should be watching porn, it sounds like you can be totally honest with him and tell him that.
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Post by Zee on Aug 27, 2015 20:15:46 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling but I wonder why he feels the need to be so very open about all aspects of his sexuality. He sounds possibly overly preoccupied with the subject, if you already know all that.
The last thing I ever want to know about is my DS taking long showers watching porn. Ickkkk. I'd get your son back into counseling. Form some boundaries.
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Deleted
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May 7, 2024 17:28:24 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 27, 2015 20:20:12 GMT
If he's being so open and willing to quit watching porn, maybe he's secretly concerned and this is his way of asking for help.
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tincin
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Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Aug 27, 2015 20:21:13 GMT
There is a reason you are supposed to be 18 to access porn on the net. I suggest you tell your DS to stop. There is a difference between being supportive of his sexuality and enabling him to view porn at such a young age.
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Post by moveablefeast on Aug 27, 2015 20:21:05 GMT
I wouldn't want him to stop watching porn because that's what I wanted because I don't want that to be his motivation, and I would specifically not allow the conversation to be framed that way.
I would have some frank conversations about healthy sexual desires and behaviors - masturbation is healthy and I wouldn't discourage it, but an excessive use of porn is absolutely unhealthy and I would talk about that.
But this is about his sexual wellness, not about what you want and I think you must frame it as such.
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Post by mom on Aug 27, 2015 20:28:13 GMT
I have teen boys - 13 and 16. We are open about sex, puberty, etc. It does seem like you know about ton about his sexuality - not sure who brought it up, etc.
That being said, I think if your child is saying he will stop if you want him to, then you need to tell him thats what you want. Watching porn nonstop at 13 is not ok. It is setting him up for problems down the road.
Where is Dad in all of this? He should be having this discussion with son, not mommy dearest. Not only because of the humiliation part of it but because dad has been there, so to speak.
I agree with the above that he seems to be wanting you to step in. Have him turn his phone into you when he gets in the shower. Take only a shower when he really needs one (and not multiple times a day). Get him into another counselor, preferably male or at a minimal have him talk with a male he trusts.
editing to add: Moveablefeast is right on. He should want to stop because he knows it is wrong. Not because you want him too.
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Post by mom on Aug 27, 2015 20:28:49 GMT
There is a reason you are supposed to be 18 to access porn on the net. I suggest you tell your DS to stop. There is a difference between being supportive of his sexuality and enabling him to view porn at such a young age.This. |
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doingmybest
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Post by doingmybest on Aug 27, 2015 20:30:37 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling but I wonder why he feels the need to be so very open about all aspects of his sexuality. He sounds possibly overly preoccupied with the subject, if you already know all that. The last thing I ever want to know about is my DS taking long showers watching porn. Ickkkk. I'd get your son back into counseling. Form some boundaries. It's not something that comes up very often, but we are open and honest. If he has questions, he knows he can come to DH or me and we'll try to answer him as best we can. I would rather he feel comfortable talking to a loving parent rather than setting boundaries when he might actually need help. |
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doingmybest
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Post by doingmybest on Aug 27, 2015 20:32:25 GMT
I have teen boys - 13 and 16. We are open about sex, puberty, etc. It does seem like you know about ton about his sexuality - not sure who brought it up, etc. That being said, I think if your child is saying he will stop if you want him to, then you need to tell him thats what you want. Watching porn nonstop at 13 is not ok. It is setting him up for problems down the road. Where is Dad in all of this? He should be having this discussion with son, not mommy dearest. Not only because of the humiliation part of it but because dad has been there, so to speak. I agree with the above that he seems to be wanting you to step in. Have him turn his phone into you when he gets in the shower. Take only a shower when he really needs one (and not multiple times a day). Get him into another counselor, preferably male or at a minimal have him talk with a male he trusts. editing to add: Moveablefeast is right on. He should want to stop because he knows it is wrong. Not because you want him too. DS is 15 now. DH is completely uncomfortable talking about anything like this. I'm kind of all DS has right now. He's probably in the shower too long about 3-4 times a week. |
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Post by Zee on Aug 27, 2015 20:35:50 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling but I wonder why he feels the need to be so very open about all aspects of his sexuality. He sounds possibly overly preoccupied with the subject, if you already know all that. The last thing I ever want to know about is my DS taking long showers watching porn. Ickkkk. I'd get your son back into counseling. Form some boundaries. It's not something that comes up very often, but we are open and honest. If he has questions, he knows he can come to DH or me and we'll try to answer him as best we can. I would rather he feel comfortable talking to a loving parent rather than setting boundaries when he might actually need help. My point if you know all that, he still needs guidance from a professional. Looking at porn might be a normal teen boy thing. Discussing how much and how often and asking if you want him to stop, isn't, in my world. It seems like he is asking for help figuring it all out. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Aug 27, 2015 20:48:30 GMT
I think he is reaching out to you because he is uncomfortable about it. Personally, I don't think I would be concerned with 3 long showers a week that seems pretty normal. And I know my almost 14 year old DS has looked at porn. He has made a joke about it. I think it's pretty normal. I think it would be the frequency that would give me pause. How much is too much? I don't know. Maybe this is where some research through a professional might need to come into play.
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Post by Outspoken on Aug 27, 2015 21:08:04 GMT
My concern would be that his behavior could become an addiction. I, like others have said, would get him some counseling.
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Olan
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by Olan on Aug 27, 2015 21:26:17 GMT
I think you should approach it from an educational standpoint. Maybe there is a video that illustrates what happens to the brain while it watches porn and over time what that constant viewing causes....in adult males. With teenage balls of hormones I'd be really afraid that beginning his sexual life that way will prove challenging as he wants to engage with actual partners.
You are doing your best. And thats enough.
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Post by k8smom on Aug 27, 2015 21:41:10 GMT
Wow, you are a great mom! I have no idea how I would have handled this situation, to be honest. My hat's off to you. My ds had a serious girlfriend from 9th grade through his junior year of college, so I had constant worries of surprise grand babies, at least when they were still in high school.
I know that if your ds felt comfortable with his old therapist that sometimes they can pro-rate for non-insurance covered visits if you think you'd be able to go that route. But honestly, I think this is a very common thing with boys his age group (porn) and because, as you mentioned, it is so easily accessible... your only option truly is to keep reminding him that it may skew his expectations of his relationships in real life.
In today's increasingly bi-curious world, as parents our responsibility is simply to be their soft place to land. (A term I too use often!) You've got that covered and honestly, I think things will turn out just fine!
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Post by k8smom on Aug 27, 2015 21:42:09 GMT
Oh how hysterical is that ^^^^ that this post kicked me over to "throbbing again"... a little in appropriate due to subject matter but it made me giggle!  |
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Post by penny on Aug 27, 2015 21:44:30 GMT
No kids and I grew up in a conservative, religious household so take my thoughts with a grain of salt...
If you don't want minors watching porn, tell him that's the rule... If he has questions or wants to talk about different interests, consider having him speak to a counsellor or sex educator... There is so much stuff out there and it's so easily accessible, that I think it's a full time job to know all the trends and health impacts of what's shown in porn and talked about...
A professional would be more in the loop, and have a distance/objectivity that a parent/child couldn't have... I admire the openness you share with him, but - completely personal opinion here, think he should have the chance to learn/build his sexual identity somewhat independently of his mother...
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Post by scrapmaven on Aug 28, 2015 15:17:45 GMT
If you think that your ds is over-sexualized is there any particular thing that triggers that thought? Could he have been abused in the past w/o your knowing? I think that counseling is a good idea, so that your ds will be able to understand his sexuality and thoughts around it.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Aug 28, 2015 15:30:06 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling but I wonder why he feels the need to be so very open about all aspects of his sexuality. He sounds possibly overly preoccupied with the subject, if you already know all that. The last thing I ever want to know about is my DS taking long showers watching porn. Ickkkk. I'd get your son back into counseling. Form some boundaries. I think it is a good thing you can discuss it with him. sex is a natural thing and being open and honest about it is good thing in my book. As teens come to understand their own sexuality they are going to masturbate. It is part of learning and understanding your body, there is nothing to be ashamed about. I would not encourage my child who wanted to watch porn, I would have honest and frank conversation that let's them know it is not typical or normal ways of having sex, but many people find it stimulating and that is okay. I would let him know that if he spends too much time watching porn and it affects other areas of his life then it is a problem. Saying Ickk about your childs sexuality is not healthy for either of you IMO. |
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doingmybest
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Post by doingmybest on Aug 28, 2015 15:50:13 GMT
Update in OP.
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Post by Zee on Aug 28, 2015 19:56:56 GMT
I'm sorry you're struggling but I wonder why he feels the need to be so very open about all aspects of his sexuality. He sounds possibly overly preoccupied with the subject, if you already know all that. The last thing I ever want to know about is my DS taking long showers watching porn. Ickkkk. I'd get your son back into counseling. Form some boundaries. I think it is a good thing you can discuss it with him. sex is a natural thing and being open and honest about it is good thing in my book. As teens come to understand their own sexuality they are going to masturbate. It is part of learning and understanding your body, there is nothing to be ashamed about. I would not encourage my child who wanted to watch porn, I would have honest and frank conversation that let's them know it is not typical or normal ways of having sex, but many people find it stimulating and that is okay. I would let him know that if he spends too much time watching porn and it affects other areas of his life then it is a problem. Saying Ickk about your childs sexuality is not healthy for either of you IMO. Hats off to you if discussing long porn-watching sessions in the shower with your teenage DS doesn't make you think ICK. |
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