The man who cheated on you/left you for another woman...

They are still together after 10 years... but it is anything but a happy relationship for either one of them. Just neither of them will (or can!) throw in the towel right now. She has health issues so she doesn't work and has no education to get an office type of job. The small amount she gets for disability is less than minimum wage. She has posted to facebook about wanting a divorce but can't so she is stuck.

He spends a lot of time away from home and they are always broke even though they supposedly have no credit cards and bring in about $50,00 a year.. not a huge income but should provide a comfortable living for two unless one of them has a bad gambling habit or girlfriends on the side when the wife is sick again.

I'm just glad it is not me stuck in the relationship any more!!

I will validate your feelings but agree that it is best not to dwell on those thoughts. Don't let your happiness depend on his unhappiness. I do believe in karma and I do believe someday he will have regrets. It may take many years. It may be different consequences, etc.

I will say that it is very easy to go from what you think is a happy marriage to not being married in very short order. I've known too many women who have been in this situation. I don't think it is fair of outsiders to point out that it wasn't as happy as you believed it was (I think they dont' want to admit it could happen to them). That's on him. He chose not to try to make the marriage better knowing he was unhappy. He chose to walk away. That's on him. Don't let that drag you down.

Hugs.....may you find your peace soon!

I was about three months away from marrying the shitheat when I found him in bed with his girlfriend.

HE STILL wanted to get married! Ashat.

He is married to her nearly 25 years. They have a bunch of children. He looks like a sixty year homeless bum living in his crack methhead mother's basement. I doubt he works. She has her own business out of her home. Good thing to or he would be cheating on her. I am sure her parents are happy that they give her a very expensive education.

I was previously engaged and living with a man who cheated on me. It was just a fling type thing because he has dated several other women since I left him. Luckily we didn't marry and we didn't have children together so it was a clean break. He lives in a different state so I rarely even think about him. Recently he did try to get in contact with me to smooth things over and start a friendship but I wasn't interested. I don't have any I'll feelings or wish him any pain, I just don't need him to be a part of my life. I used to hold onto bad feelings and bitterness, but I was angry all the time. I grew to be much happier once I decided to let those bad feelings go.

BTDT Are you in therapy?  I would recommend it.  It took a while in therapy for me to realize that it was only sudden to me, I was the only one happily married.  He had been having an affair and had already decided what he was going to do long before I even found out about it.  He was obviously not happy because if he had been he wouldn't have cheated.  I felt the same bitterness you do.  It took a while but with my therapist's help I realized that while I imagined them always having a good time and always happy that in reality it was probably nothing like that.  That most likely have the same ordinary life I have.  Are they still together?  Yes and I really wish the best for the both of them.  It took me a long time to get to this place but I am glad I made it.

I'm not sure if you have kids or not but if you do, you'll want to not talk badly about their father at all.  What happened to your marriage is between the two of you, don't drag them into it.  Also, try not to disparage yourself.  Are you 38?  Certainly you are but your life is far from over.  Are you overweight?  Perhaps but what are you willing to do about it.  I imagine you are a competent, normally happy woman.  Put yourself out there, you will be amazed at the nice people you will meet.  Not just men but people.  People like you who are looking to move on with their lives. 

However, the primary thing I want to say again is, get a good therapist and work through this anger and bitterness.  You being bitter or hateful will not affect their day, week or life but it will affect yours.  It will wear on you emotionally and physically.  If you remain bitter and unhappy, in essence, he wins.  Move on and move up to bigger and better things. 

Your post brings back a lot of memories. I wasn't married, but was engaged to my HS sweetheart and right before the wedding found out he'd been seeing someone (his recently deceased best friend's wife, it was an odd situation). He ended up marrying her and they are still together. It's been about 12 years since it all happened. I wish I could tell you something magic you could do to make yourself feel better, but I really don't know anything other than time. It took me about two years and some extremely bad relationships and some pretty poor decisions before I met my now husband. But even after I met my husband and knew I was going to marry him and knew that he was 1 million times better for me and to me and generally all around a better person, I still didn't wish my ex well. I am one to hold a grudge, though, so that makes it tough.

Today is my 8th wedding anniversary and I couldn't be happier. I am so grateful for my husband and and so thankful that I didn't marry my ex (looking back we were very different and probably would have been divorced by now). But if someone were to tell me today that my ex and his wife were divorced I'd probably secretly be happy that he finally got what he deserved.

My point is, even if you never forgive him, you can move on. And with time it will get easier. You'll think about him less and less, and pretty soon you won't even give him a thought. And in a few months or years you'll understand that you are so much happier and are much better off. But when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. My advice would be to stay busy, especially in the beginning. Get a new hobby, have dinner with friends, volunteer. The more energy you put into other things, the less time you have to think about him and his situation.

Good luck

No, he's not with her any more. Within a year, her parents essentially told her that they wouldn't support her and him any more, so she kicked him out and moved on with her life. Her ex was very successful, but kicked her out and kept their kids when she started cheating, so she'd had to run to her parents to help my ex and her survive. what apparently seemed really romantic "star-crossed lovers who are married to other people" became "Oh, hell, no" when she discovered what I already knew: that ex was always looking for someone else to pay for his vices and let him do whatever he pleased. Ex then moved on to a succession of women, some of whom called me for sympathy when he cheated on them. He's also apparently declared bankruptcy twice, found religion, and quit working entirely since we divorced.

At the time, I was traumatized when I discovered the affair. Not because our marriage was so wonderful, but because I quickly learned that he'd been on the prowl for quite a while but my friends didn't want to hurt me by telling me. Now, I don't really care and rarely think about him except when ex-MIL tries to contact me to talk about what stuoidity he's been up to. On the other hand, part of me will always be somewhat gleeful, knowing that his life is in the shitter while I've been happily remarried for 14 years. In fact, I remarried well before he did! Give yourself time to work through the anger and hurt. Just know that some day you will realize that you haven't thought about him in a week, then a month, then years because he just isn't worth wasting the time on.

I've known a few men that left for another woman. Sometimes it does work out, sometimes it doesn't. However, in every case where the man stuck with the other woman, he was older. All of them realized they made a mistake in leaving the wife. But the older ones realized they had burned their bridges and might as well make do with their new women. And they did, but once the newness and excitement wore off, their new relationships were worse than their original marriages. They still managed to be happy at times, but there was always regret. Kind of like they were 'stuck."

The younger men cheated on the new women soon afterwards. They had other options that the older men did not. They could still chase, lol.

I understand being bitter and I would be too. I hope you heal quickly. For me, knowing that the a-hole was as miserable as he made me, would help me heal a lot quicker

My ex remarried two days after our divorce was final. They were married (unhappily for sixteen years and he cheated on her, she caught him and promptly divorced his sorry ass. She's on her fourth marriage last I heard, and he's on number three I think. Unfortunately I know all this because my daughter keeps me informed, I'm not all that interested but it's upsetting to her, so I listen. But, I can't help doing a little grin and chanting "karma baby, karma"!

Hugs to you, I know it's hard now, but I promise it does get better with time.

Honestly...not sure how happy a marriage you had if he just left.  He might be done with her at some point, but you have to work on YOU.  Not wanting him to be happy???  I think you would take him back in a heartbeat.

((hugs)) Try not to drive yourself into a frenzy wishing evil upon him or thinking that somehow new piece doesn't know the "real" him: she will know soon enough. You have no control over what he does or says, and as far as seeing him happy, you never really know someone's true in-depth feelings and the things they mull over when they wake at 2 a.m. unable to sleep.

I can tell you that (truly) one of these days he and his new life won't even cross your mind. At all. It's hard to believe but you will reach that no-longer-give-an-eff point somewhere in your life's journey. It will be when you are busy with your own life, living your own adventures, making your own decisions, and owning your own choices.

In the meantime, you're going to pickup a copy of Abigail Trafford's book "Crazy Time". Read it start to finish: it's a quick and easy read, I promise. You're going to call and make plans with the girlfriends you blew off when you were busy with him. You're going to road trip to someplace you always wanted to see. Try a new hobby you could never see yourself doing. Take up walking, jogging, join a gym, sign up for a couch to 5K and give it a shot. Walking and running will clear your head like you cannot possibly imagine and your body will be looking awesome too (bonus!).

Don't expect to just dust yourself off after an event like this. It's the death of a dream but you will be OK. There are lots of divorce recovery groups out there if you look. Join one. Ignore your age as best you can: I'm much older than you so trust me when I tell you it's just a number: nothing more, nothing less. Lose focus on that age number and look forward to all the time you still have left and all the choices you will get to make for yourself. Celebrate your newfound freedom, whether it was of your choosing or not. Perhaps you have been given an amazing gift in the midst of what appears to be a loss. Time will tell.

I wish you well. Once you lose that sense of fear and loathing, it gets much better. ((hugs)) Now, go get that book, read it, and get on with your soon-to-be-fabulous life. You got this!

I need to add this
I am so glad that the shithead was a cheater and the gal got exactly what she deserved. A lazy good for nothing blames the world for his problems shithead. I am fairly sure their life is not easy and she must watch him like a hawk. Who would want that ?
Because.
I moved on big time. Out of state and on to college.
And I won the life lottery! A guy I am crazy about and 2 fabulous children.

Even if I had never meet my husband , I would still be in better place, because I don't have that shitheat in my life. ( giggling here..... She does!!!!!).