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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:20:37 GMT
...is he still with her and happy?
My husband VERY suddenly walked out on our very happy marriage, deflecting the entire time and trying to convince me it was about issues he had with our marriage/me. I know now that he left me for someone else. I went from incredibly happily married for 16 years to "holy crap, what the hell is happening?" and a divorce being finalized in a matter of 5 months.
I know I have a lot of healing to do, and that ideally, one day, this will NOT be important to me. I will NOT care. I have hope for that day and know it is ahead of me.
But right now...I want them over. He should not get to have some happily-ever-after with her. I feel certain that she has no clue what really happened between us. She has likely been convinced, since I know this is what he is telling EVERYONE, that we grew apart and mutually decided to divorce. I'm sure that's what she thinks. So though I'd like for there to be trust issues for them to be battling, I doubt there are.
Anyone care to share your experiences with me, even if they aren't what I want to hear? I desperately want his relationship with her to be unsuccessful. And SOON, if I could make all my wishes come true. He should have to be alone like I am. He was my high school sweetheart. He said to me at one point that he pictured himself alone. He did not. He knew he was leaving me to be with her. I know that now. But now, I'M the one alone. Please also know I do NOT want him back. I just don't want him happy. I just don't. And especially not with her. It shouldn't get to work out that way for him.
I was very happily married. So was he. But he was suddenly willing to abandon me for something new and exciting (and younger and thinner of course). He is 36. I am 38. I think she is 30 or a little younger.
I got some great advice a couple months ago here and was just wondering if anyone had anything to share on the subject. Counseling is helping me but the real-life experiences have been so wonderful for me.
TIA.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:25:00 GMT
You need to let go of your bitterness, the only person it's hurting is you. However tempting it is to wish them ill, stop, it's not good for your mental health. And sorry to say, if your husband upped and walked out then no your marriage was not as happy as you want to think it was. I know that's harsh and maybe a little bitchy but again you need to let it go...he has.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:29:21 GMT
They are still together after 10 years... but it is anything but a happy relationship for either one of them. Just neither of them will (or can!) throw in the towel right now. She has health issues so she doesn't work and has no education to get an office type of job. The small amount she gets for disability is less than minimum wage. She has posted to facebook about wanting a divorce but can't so she is stuck.
He spends a lot of time away from home and they are always broke even though they supposedly have no credit cards and bring in about $50,00 a year.. not a huge income but should provide a comfortable living for two unless one of them has a bad gambling habit or girlfriends on the side when the wife is sick again.
I'm just glad it is not me stuck in the relationship any more!!
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Post by Karmady on Sept 2, 2015 20:29:36 GMT
I do understand your anger. I was engaged to someone and 5 months before the wedding I found out that he was seeing someone on the side. He ended up marrying that women who I also knew. They did have children and were together for a long time maybe 18-20 years. Someone told me this past weekend that he fooled around on his wife, got divorced and quickly remarried the new gal. Some things never change. We don't live in the same town, so I don't see him.
The best advice that I can give you is to move on. Work really hard at building your own life and squeeze the thought of him out of your mind. Fill your life with the things you love, work hard and find your peace. He is not worth it. He is not worth your time or the real estate in your head. Don't wish him harm....just move on with your dignity and self worth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:38:56 GMT
I will validate your feelings but agree that it is best not to dwell on those thoughts. Don't let your happiness depend on his unhappiness. I do believe in karma and I do believe someday he will have regrets. It may take many years. It may be different consequences, etc.
I will say that it is very easy to go from what you think is a happy marriage to not being married in very short order. I've known too many women who have been in this situation. I don't think it is fair of outsiders to point out that it wasn't as happy as you believed it was (I think they dont' want to admit it could happen to them). That's on him. He chose not to try to make the marriage better knowing he was unhappy. He chose to walk away. That's on him. Don't let that drag you down.
Hugs.....may you find your peace soon!
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Post by JustCallMeMommy on Sept 2, 2015 20:43:07 GMT
In my case, the OW had left him before the paperwork had even been filed. I don't think that made it any easier though - he had already made the decision to cheat.
I understand where you are coming from though. Mine is having fun living a college-style bachelor life while I take care of DD and lead a grown-up life. Sometimes, it bugs me, but I try to focus on what I have and how it is definitely better.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:46:15 GMT
Thank you for saying that. The hardest part about opening myself up for insight and advice is getting the people who will feel they know everything about my situation and give even the slightest insinuation of culpability on my part. I wasn't wrong to trust my husband or believe that the love he was showing me was anything but honest and real...HE was wrong to leave me for someone else.
I know you are all right that I need to let it go. It's certainly my plan, as I stated in my OP. Maybe if I could force my heart to catch up with my mind. Maybe my doctor has a pill for that. Unfortunately, I think it's just going to take time.
Thanks for the replies so far.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 20:52:13 GMT
I can see that. I'm sorry that happened to you. Perhaps if I found out they didn't work out, I would not feel the relief I THINK I would. That is something really good for me to consider...to help me along. Thanks for sharing that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 21:10:30 GMT
I was about three months away from marrying the shitheat when I found him in bed with his girlfriend.
HE STILL wanted to get married! Ashat.
He is married to her nearly 25 years. They have a bunch of children. He looks like a sixty year homeless bum living in his crack methhead mother's basement. I doubt he works. She has her own business out of her home. Good thing to or he would be cheating on her. I am sure her parents are happy that they give her a very expensive education.
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Post by Dictionary on Sept 2, 2015 21:12:21 GMT
Well I always say better to prove to them how much better your life is without them in it, kind of like see you were holding me back and now that you are gone I am much happier and more successful in my life (take successful for what it's worth to you, for me it was getting a degree, holding down a job and making something with my life)
My DH's ex left him, cheated on him and basically last he heard she was a prostitute in Vegas. He's from a very small town so gossip is aplenty.
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Post by padresfan619 on Sept 2, 2015 21:15:18 GMT
I was previously engaged and living with a man who cheated on me. It was just a fling type thing because he has dated several other women since I left him. Luckily we didn't marry and we didn't have children together so it was a clean break. He lives in a different state so I rarely even think about him. Recently he did try to get in contact with me to smooth things over and start a friendship but I wasn't interested. I don't have any I'll feelings or wish him any pain, I just don't need him to be a part of my life. I used to hold onto bad feelings and bitterness, but I was angry all the time. I grew to be much happier once I decided to let those bad feelings go.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 2, 2015 21:17:30 GMT
My ex is married. They have been for 4 years we have been divorced just over 5 years.
He appears happy. I really don't care.
Sometimes I do. I want him to be miserable. But those times are getting farther and farther apart.
You will get there. It takes time. You have to focus on the future and let that shit go. I know way easier said then done.
Hang in there. You'll feel so much different about it all one day.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Sept 2, 2015 21:48:30 GMT
...is he still with her and happy? My husband VERY suddenly walked out on our very happy marriage, deflecting the entire time and trying to convince me it was about issues he had with our marriage/me. I know now that he left me for someone else. I went from incredibly happily married for 16 years to "holy crap, what the hell is happening?" and a divorce being finalized in a matter of 5 months. I know I have a lot of healing to do, and that ideally, one day, this will NOT be important to me. I will NOT care. I have hope for that day and know it is ahead of me. But right now...I want them over. He should not get to have some happily-ever-after with her. I feel certain that she has no clue what really happened between us. She has likely been convinced, since I know this is what he is telling EVERYONE, that we grew apart and mutually decided to divorce. I'm sure that's what she thinks. So though I'd like for there to be trust issues for them to be battling, I doubt there are. Anyone care to share your experiences with me, even if they aren't what I want to hear? I desperately want his relationship with her to be unsuccessful. And SOON, if I could make all my wishes come true. He should have to be alone like I am. He was my high school sweetheart. He said to me at one point that he pictured himself alone. He did not. He knew he was leaving me to be with her. I know that now. But now, I'M the one alone. Please also know I do NOT want him back. I just don't want him happy. I just don't. And especially not with her. It shouldn't get to work out that way for him. I was very happily married. So was he. But he was suddenly willing to abandon me for something new and exciting (and younger and thinner of course). He is 36. I am 38. I think she is 30 or a little younger. I got some great advice a couple months ago here and was just wondering if anyone had anything to share on the subject. Counseling is helping me but the real-life experiences have been so wonderful for me. TIA. BTDT Are you in therapy? I would recommend it. It took a while in therapy for me to realize that it was only sudden to me, I was the only one happily married. He had been having an affair and had already decided what he was going to do long before I even found out about it. He was obviously not happy because if he had been he wouldn't have cheated. I felt the same bitterness you do. It took a while but with my therapist's help I realized that while I imagined them always having a good time and always happy that in reality it was probably nothing like that. That most likely have the same ordinary life I have. Are they still together? Yes and I really wish the best for the both of them. It took me a long time to get to this place but I am glad I made it. I'm not sure if you have kids or not but if you do, you'll want to not talk badly about their father at all. What happened to your marriage is between the two of you, don't drag them into it. Also, try not to disparage yourself. Are you 38? Certainly you are but your life is far from over. Are you overweight? Perhaps but what are you willing to do about it. I imagine you are a competent, normally happy woman. Put yourself out there, you will be amazed at the nice people you will meet. Not just men but people. People like you who are looking to move on with their lives. However, the primary thing I want to say again is, get a good therapist and work through this anger and bitterness. You being bitter or hateful will not affect their day, week or life but it will affect yours. It will wear on you emotionally and physically. If you remain bitter and unhappy, in essence, he wins. Move on and move up to bigger and better things.
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Post by 950nancy on Sept 2, 2015 22:01:22 GMT
Have not been there or done that. I do however, sympathize with your situation and have heard many times that they guy won't leave until he finds a new girl. Who knows if he was unhappy. You weren't and that is what hurts. You have a lot of living ahead of you. Do what you need to mentally and physically to get yourself healthy and be the best you you can be. Honestly, what else can you do? I always hear that happiness is the best revenge. Pull yourself out of your hurt and hatred and get that life you deserve. There is nothing else to do.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Sept 2, 2015 22:05:43 GMT
XH will never really be happy. He hasn't learned anything that he did wrong in the first marriage. Now he is doing things behind his current wife's back. She throws shoes and locks him out of the bedroom. LOL. Maybe they deserve each other.
ETA: I've noticed that divorced men (ones I've known) don't tend to stay single for long. After all, who is going to do the chores around the house?
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Post by mommaho on Sept 2, 2015 22:10:02 GMT
XH cheated on me and three others before he settled down,and left 4 children in the wake (not with me thank goodness)! I believe the same thing as some of you have stated, he already had it in his mind to cheat and he wanted to find the right girl to take care of him. That was over 37 years ago, I've got a keeper going strong at 35 years.
Hugs - and therapy made me see that it wasn't me, it was him. It can help!
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Post by stahija on Sept 2, 2015 22:17:06 GMT
Your post brings back a lot of memories. I wasn't married, but was engaged to my HS sweetheart and right before the wedding found out he'd been seeing someone (his recently deceased best friend's wife, it was an odd situation). He ended up marrying her and they are still together. It's been about 12 years since it all happened. I wish I could tell you something magic you could do to make yourself feel better, but I really don't know anything other than time. It took me about two years and some extremely bad relationships and some pretty poor decisions before I met my now husband. But even after I met my husband and knew I was going to marry him and knew that he was 1 million times better for me and to me and generally all around a better person, I still didn't wish my ex well. I am one to hold a grudge, though, so that makes it tough. Today is my 8th wedding anniversary and I couldn't be happier. I am so grateful for my husband and and so thankful that I didn't marry my ex (looking back we were very different and probably would have been divorced by now). But if someone were to tell me today that my ex and his wife were divorced I'd probably secretly be happy that he finally got what he deserved. My point is, even if you never forgive him, you can move on. And with time it will get easier. You'll think about him less and less, and pretty soon you won't even give him a thought. And in a few months or years you'll understand that you are so much happier and are much better off. But when you're in the middle of it, it's hard to see the forest for the trees. My advice would be to stay busy, especially in the beginning. Get a new hobby, have dinner with friends, volunteer. The more energy you put into other things, the less time you have to think about him and his situation. Good luck
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Post by tarheelgurl on Sept 2, 2015 22:17:40 GMT
No they are not still together. He left her too after about 3 years. They were packing up the car to go on vacation and she went back into the house to get something. He drove off and called her to tell her he was leaving her. Ha!! He left her for the woman he's with now and he's still hitting on women (just so happened one was a co-worker of mine which he didn't know) I'm so glad he's gone.
The best advice I can give you is to forgive him and move on with your life.
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Post by Pahina722 on Sept 2, 2015 22:22:47 GMT
No, he's not with her any more. Within a year, her parents essentially told her that they wouldn't support her and him any more, so she kicked him out and moved on with her life. Her ex was very successful, but kicked her out and kept their kids when she started cheating, so she'd had to run to her parents to help my ex and her survive. what apparently seemed really romantic "star-crossed lovers who are married to other people" became "Oh, hell, no" when she discovered what I already knew: that ex was always looking for someone else to pay for his vices and let him do whatever he pleased. Ex then moved on to a succession of women, some of whom called me for sympathy when he cheated on them. He's also apparently declared bankruptcy twice, found religion, and quit working entirely since we divorced. At the time, I was traumatized when I discovered the affair. Not because our marriage was so wonderful, but because I quickly learned that he'd been on the prowl for quite a while but my friends didn't want to hurt me by telling me. Now, I don't really care and rarely think about him except when ex-MIL tries to contact me to talk about what stuoidity he's been up to. On the other hand, part of me will always be somewhat gleeful, knowing that his life is in the shitter while I've been happily remarried for 14 years. In fact, I remarried well before he did! Give yourself time to work through the anger and hurt. Just know that some day you will realize that you haven't thought about him in a week, then a month, then years because he just isn't worth wasting the time on.
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Post by bigbundt on Sept 2, 2015 22:28:53 GMT
We were separated but I thought we were "working on it" until I found out that he had moved to another state and although I didn't know at the time, he was with someone. They married a few weeks after our divorce was finalized. That was twelve years ago and they are still together and have like five kids. I don't know if he is happy with her or what but I accidentally came across some recent pictures of him on FB and he looked pretty miserable. Or maybe he was just tired because of all the kids. Twelve years later I honestly don't really care if he is happy or not. Not my responsibility. I don't miss him because I realize now that we were moving in two completely different directions and if we were still together, I would know for a FACT that we would be unhappy. The first few years were hard because it almost felt like he "won" but then I found my footing and there were so many things I was able to do BECAUSE he wasn't with me. I was able to have some crazy fun single years (we had married young) and learn exactly how strong and empowered I was by myself (he cut me down a lot saying I needed him) before I met my current DH. Our marriage isn't perfect but it is so so so wonderful that I rarely give my ex a thought anymore. Give it time, you will be fine.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,968
Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Sept 2, 2015 22:39:05 GMT
I've known a few men that left for another woman. Sometimes it does work out, sometimes it doesn't. However, in every case where the man stuck with the other woman, he was older. All of them realized they made a mistake in leaving the wife. But the older ones realized they had burned their bridges and might as well make do with their new women. And they did, but once the newness and excitement wore off, their new relationships were worse than their original marriages. They still managed to be happy at times, but there was always regret. Kind of like they were 'stuck." The younger men cheated on the new women soon afterwards. They had other options that the older men did not. They could still chase, lol. I understand being bitter and I would be too. I hope you heal quickly. For me, knowing that the a-hole was as miserable as he made me, would help me heal a lot quicker
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Post by penny on Sept 2, 2015 22:46:00 GMT
How quickly someone finds happiness or someone else doesn't mean much... Sometimes it's a sign of true love and sometimes it's a rebound... Whatever they may look like or he might tell you, you don't know what their relationship is like or what's motivating either one of them...
I might catch heat for this, but I usually feel that a "very happy marriage" doesn't get divorced... It might have been a happy marriage at one time, it may have had the possibility of being happy again, but you don't get divorced if both people are very happily married... He might have done a crap job at communicating that with you, but the fact is that he wasn't happily married...
It's hard to feel like he's moved on or is somehow beating you to happiness... You have to start separating yourself from him - you're not on the same path anymore and you're going to go at different paces...
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Post by quinmm14 on Sept 2, 2015 22:49:51 GMT
My ex remarried two days after our divorce was final. They were married (unhappily for sixteen years and he cheated on her, she caught him and promptly divorced his sorry ass. She's on her fourth marriage last I heard, and he's on number three I think. Unfortunately I know all this because my daughter keeps me informed, I'm not all that interested but it's upsetting to her, so I listen. But, I can't help doing a little grin and chanting "karma baby, karma"! Hugs to you, I know it's hard now, but I promise it does get better with time.
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Post by bigbundt on Sept 2, 2015 22:51:03 GMT
Although I couldn't help but be a little tickled when a skip tracer called me a few years ago looking for him. He wasn't the best with money although he was a blowhard arrogant ass who talked big about the success and money he would make. Meanwhile I was the breadwinner and provided everything while he "went to school", ie skipped most of his classes and played video games all day/night. I was really happy knowing that my life with current DH was much more financially stable than any I would have had with the ex.
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Post by christine58 on Sept 2, 2015 22:54:56 GMT
...is he still with her and happy? My husband VERY suddenly walked out on our very happy marriage, deflecting the entire time and trying to convince me it was about issues he had with our marriage/me. I know now that he left me for someone else. I went from incredibly happily married for 16 years to "holy crap, what the hell is happening?" and a divorce being finalized in a matter of 5 months. I know I have a lot of healing to do, and that ideally, one day, this will NOT be important to me. I will NOT care. I have hope for that day and know it is ahead of me. But right now...I want them over. He should not get to have some happily-ever-after with her. I feel certain that she has no clue what really happened between us. She has likely been convinced, since I know this is what he is telling EVERYONE, that we grew apart and mutually decided to divorce. I'm sure that's what she thinks. So though I'd like for there to be trust issues for them to be battling, I doubt there are. Anyone care to share your experiences with me, even if they aren't what I want to hear? I desperately want his relationship with her to be unsuccessful. And SOON, if I could make all my wishes come true. He should have to be alone like I am. He was my high school sweetheart. He said to me at one point that he pictured himself alone. He did not. He knew he was leaving me to be with her. I know that now. But now, I'M the one alone. Please also know I do NOT want him back. I just don't want him happy. I just don't. And especially not with her. It shouldn't get to work out that way for him. I was very happily married. So was he. But he was suddenly willing to abandon me for something new and exciting (and younger and thinner of course). He is 36. I am 38. I think she is 30 or a little younger. I got some great advice a couple months ago here and was just wondering if anyone had anything to share on the subject. Counseling is helping me but the real-life experiences have been so wonderful for me. TIA. Honestly...not sure how happy a marriage you had if he just left. He might be done with her at some point, but you have to work on YOU. Not wanting him to be happy??? I think you would take him back in a heartbeat.
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 9:48:41 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 23:04:44 GMT
I agree with those who said you need to work on yourself first and let go of any bitterness. Easier said than done though.
My ex and I separated for different reasons but he chose to file for divorce because he was having an affair with my best friend at the time (she was married as well). They had more drama than a soap opera. She ended up leaving him for another man, married that man and I believe they're divorced now.
On the other hand, a few years before I met dh, his mom left his dad for another man. They're still together 9 years later. She was unhappy in the marriage. Fil is an alcoholic and she's a very outgoing woman. She wants to go camping and play hockey. He wanted to stay home and drink. Her leaving was the right choice for her. I think her bf was the push she needed at the time.
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Post by pelirroja on Sept 2, 2015 23:10:06 GMT
((hugs)) Try not to drive yourself into a frenzy wishing evil upon him or thinking that somehow new piece doesn't know the "real" him: she will know soon enough. You have no control over what he does or says, and as far as seeing him happy, you never really know someone's true in-depth feelings and the things they mull over when they wake at 2 a.m. unable to sleep.
I can tell you that (truly) one of these days he and his new life won't even cross your mind. At all. It's hard to believe but you will reach that no-longer-give-an-eff point somewhere in your life's journey. It will be when you are busy with your own life, living your own adventures, making your own decisions, and owning your own choices.
In the meantime, you're going to pickup a copy of Abigail Trafford's book "Crazy Time". Read it start to finish: it's a quick and easy read, I promise. You're going to call and make plans with the girlfriends you blew off when you were busy with him. You're going to road trip to someplace you always wanted to see. Try a new hobby you could never see yourself doing. Take up walking, jogging, join a gym, sign up for a couch to 5K and give it a shot. Walking and running will clear your head like you cannot possibly imagine and your body will be looking awesome too (bonus!).
Don't expect to just dust yourself off after an event like this. It's the death of a dream but you will be OK. There are lots of divorce recovery groups out there if you look. Join one. Ignore your age as best you can: I'm much older than you so trust me when I tell you it's just a number: nothing more, nothing less. Lose focus on that age number and look forward to all the time you still have left and all the choices you will get to make for yourself. Celebrate your newfound freedom, whether it was of your choosing or not. Perhaps you have been given an amazing gift in the midst of what appears to be a loss. Time will tell.
I wish you well. Once you lose that sense of fear and loathing, it gets much better. ((hugs)) Now, go get that book, read it, and get on with your soon-to-be-fabulous life. You got this!
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Post by scrappersue on Sept 2, 2015 23:12:34 GMT
I think what helped me the most was to take the high road - to live a good life without him. It is hard. I have been alone for 11 years and found that I love being alone. I focused on raising my kids and just now as my last gets ready to leave for college next year I am entertaining the idea of "dating" again. I find satisfaction in the fact that I not only survived, but raised two great kids and maintained my house and lead a great life. Still see him because of the kids. We are cordial. I thank god every time that I am not married to him anymore! He has a long term GF that I don't hate. I feel sorry for him because he doesn't get to see the kids all the time and he really missed out on that. But at first I did have dreams of him driving off the road or losing his job Then you get over it and just focus on living your life and realize the less time you spend thinking about him the more time you have to live your new life! Good luck
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Deleted
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Jun 1, 2024 9:48:40 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Sept 2, 2015 23:30:29 GMT
I need to add this I am so glad that the shithead was a cheater and the gal got exactly what she deserved. A lazy good for nothing blames the world for his problems shithead. I am fairly sure their life is not easy and she must watch him like a hawk. Who would want that ? Because. I moved on big time. Out of state and on to college. And I won the life lottery! A guy I am crazy about and 2 fabulous children.
Even if I had never meet my husband , I would still be in better place, because I don't have that shitheat in my life. ( giggling here..... She does!!!!!).
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Post by pelirroja on Sept 2, 2015 23:33:38 GMT
Years ago, Alan Thicke was a guest on a nighttime TV talk show. The host asked about his impending divorce from his wife, Gloria Loring. Alan Thicke said "I was happily married to Gloria for 13 years. She was happily married to me for 11". Enough said.
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