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Post by scrapperal on Sept 13, 2015 22:25:21 GMT
The recent post about a learning of a family member's passing via Facebook got me thinking. I felt terrible that I had to contact some of my cousins on FB (at least it was via PMs) to tell them of my father's passing and get their parent's contact info. I didn't have any other contact info for them or their parents. They all said they wanted to be the ones to tell their parents, which I really appreciated since I was so drained with contacting everyone. I agree that family should be called first, immediately. Although damned if you do and damned if they don't. When my FIL died in the wee hours of the morning, I called his siblings and my BILs immediately, of course waking them all. Some felt I should have waited until the morning. Sorry, I did what I thought was right and to save my DH the burden of making the calls. Unfortunately, my belief that family should (and would) be called first came back to bite me. I was told by a relative that my uncle (my mom's brother) passed and that my aunt was slowly making calls so I assumed all branches of the family was informed. Several hours later, I called my mom to see how she was doing. As it turns out she hadn't been told and I was unable to lie her about why I was sad (she said she could hear it in my voice). So I told her and she fell apart on the phone. So the lesson there is don't assume people have heard and if there's bad news, deliver it in person if possible (I live several hours away, otherwise, I would have driven home and not called.) My aunt didn't inform my mom for two days and I'm still a little pissed about that. |
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kate
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Sept 13, 2015 22:30:59 GMT
I think emails, texts, and even PM's are much better than public posts. I have learned of deaths (not of immediate family) by these methods and not been offended, whereas if I'd found out on FB, I would have been upset.
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akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
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Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
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Post by akathy on Sept 13, 2015 22:50:48 GMT
I called my two DDs, my Mom and my good friend in Cleveland when my DH had his heart attack. I had no idea and didn't care how they informed everyone else. The next day I called one of his best friends and asked him to inform our friends. When we pulled the plugs 5 days later my DDs were there and I only called my Mom. Again I couldn't have cared less who was informed or how.
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Post by hop2 on Sept 13, 2015 22:54:43 GMT
I prefer a phone call, though I know from experience that it's agonizing to make. If that's not possible I'd prefer a private way like email, or message.
Text is kind of abrupt. My sister was one to text about a desth and she told me my uncle died via text. It bothered me, you have my number in order to text me why not call?
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Post by freecharlie on Sept 13, 2015 22:55:18 GMT
I don't think it is so much an announcement as maybe someone posts their memory or about their sadness.
Is there an all clear word, an amount of time to wait until you post?
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Post by Heart on Sept 13, 2015 23:06:18 GMT
I very recently lost my mother. She was in Arkansas, and I am in Illinois. My brother was with her when she died and he was overcome and could NOT call. His lovely wife called- and she was hysterical. I felt so bad for both of them, I know I wouldn't have been able to talk, either.
I texted my husband because I sure as hell couldn't talk. I'm sorry if texting seems impersonal- even after "processing" it for a while, talking on the phone brings it back up and I much prefer written communication to talking so that I don't lose it again.
Even a week later, I am still choked up and can't always deal with it well.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 13, 2015 23:11:32 GMT
One of the worst things I had to do was to call my niece and tell her that her mother had died. I would prefer to tell people in person but families live so far apart. It takes me seven hours to get to her house.
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scrapaddie
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Post by scrapaddie on Sept 13, 2015 23:12:37 GMT
I very recently lost my mother. She was in Arkansas, and I am in Illinois. My brother was with her when she died and he was overcome and could NOT call. His lovely wife called- and she was hysterical. I felt so bad for both of them, I know I wouldn't have been able to talk, either. I texted my husband because I sure as hell couldn't talk. I'm sorry if texting seems impersonal- even after "processing" it for a while, talking on the phone brings it back up and I much prefer written communication to talking so that I don't lose it again. Even a week later, I am still choked up and can't always deal with it well. I understand the need to use text. When I had to put one of my dogs to sleep, I felt the need to inform my ex-husband because she had once been his dog also. But there's no way I could've said the words. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2015 23:30:20 GMT
We are dealing with this now. My mother is struggling in hospital, and communications between us (her 7 kids) is via text. we are mostly local and most of us see her in hospital as much as possible. What will be tough is communicating with our cousins, I think. They are so spread out, I imagine it will be a couple calls and then word of mouth. Mom's last sibling, a half sister we talk to via phone, she is also local and has been visiting. I think we will do our best, but at a tough time like this we will not be able to talk to those who may want a personal call. I'm with akathy and will rely on others to get the word out and will not worry about it. Annette |
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Post by librarylady on Sept 13, 2015 23:34:33 GMT
Text= I always thought that was to get a message to the person quickly. However, around here, not so fast. My step son sent his father a text on Sunday and it arrived here on Thursday.  It is a regular thing that text messages are delayed to us. |
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Post by bc2ca on Sept 13, 2015 23:36:14 GMT
I don't think there are hard & fast rules. Even the most well intentioned plans to phone a long list can get derailed if you can't get off the phone with the 3rd person on your list. And then you get distracted by a baby needing to be fed or comforting another family member or people who start arriving at the house. This is kind of what happened when my FIL died. I am sure there were family & friends that were offended that they weren't the first call, but once the news gets out you can't contol how and when it spreads.
With the most recent family death, his daughter did ask the family on FB not to post anything about the death for a couple of days but they were free to phone anyone they wanted to share the news with.
We recently heard of a friend's death via a very long & loving email sent to everyone by his partner. Immediate family (parents & siblings) knew at the time of death, but she choose to let everyone else know via email. She also let everyone know he was in hospice this way and said she just couldn't stay composed on the phone and asked people not to call.
Personally I wouldn't call anyone in the middle of the night unless I knew they were waiting for the call. I did the same with our middle of the night baby. My MIL got a call immediately because she knew where we were heading when we dropped DD off at 2 am and was not going to sleep until she heard, but didn't wake my parents when DS arrived at 4:30 am.
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Post by Prenticekid on Sept 13, 2015 23:58:13 GMT
In our family and/or friend circle, it is when one of the person closest to the deceased posts about it. We also make sure to include that info when we are passing information. Like if I can't post something, I give one of my kids the go ahead to post. One of my cousin's had me post something about her family. We just kind of know to whom to look for information.
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Post by txdancermom on Sept 14, 2015 0:58:51 GMT
I think close family should be called, and let them pass it on how they please. When my fil and mil both died, dh and his sister were with them and we had been expecting it for days, so he texted me during the night, but I had told him to because it was expected. I called both of our children.
dd has never let me forget emailing her about my sister (sis and I were not close) and I didn't think dd cared that much. ds has said to email him and that is fine....to each their own.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Sept 14, 2015 1:10:33 GMT
I don't think there are hard & fast rules. Even the most well intentioned plans to phone a long list can get derailed if you can't get off the phone with the 3rd person on your list. And then you get distracted by a baby needing to be fed or comforting another family member or people who start arriving at the house. This is kind of what happened when my FIL died. I am sure there were family & friends that were offended that they weren't the first call, but once the news gets out you can't contol how and when it spreads. With the most recent family death, his daughter did ask the family on FB not to post anything about the death for a couple of days but they were free to phone anyone they wanted to share the news with. We recently heard of a friend's death via a very long & loving email sent to everyone by his partner. Immediate family (parents & siblings) knew at the time of death, but she choose to let everyone else know via email. She also let everyone know he was in hospice this way and said she just couldn't stay composed on the phone and asked people not to call. Personally I wouldn't call anyone in the middle of the night unless I knew they were waiting for the call. I did the same with our middle of the night baby. My MIL got a call immediately because she knew where we were heading when we dropped DD off at 2 am and was not going to sleep until she heard, but didn't wake my parents when DS arrived at 4:30 am. this is how my very large family communicates these things. My Aunt passed away last week and my cousins sent out an email letting us know she had taken a turn for the worse so were were all expecting the news. |
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Post by mikklynn on Sept 14, 2015 1:59:51 GMT
There will always be someone mad about how they were notified. I think we all do the best we can.
We are struggling with notifying our many cousins about my Dad's brother passing today. Many will find out through a cousins page on Facebook, as that is our only contact with them.
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Post by anniefb on Sept 14, 2015 2:28:23 GMT
When my mother passed away 3 years ago, I called her younger sister in the UK but told other family members (overseas) and Mum's friends by email. A few people I couldn't reach saw the notice in the newspaper. We never made any announcements on FB or other social media.
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Post by arielsmom on Sept 14, 2015 4:44:59 GMT
When my parents passed away, I contacted a few close cousins and asked them to spread the word thru dad's family--he was from a family of 10 children. It is never easy.
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Post by nlwilkins on Sept 14, 2015 17:38:22 GMT
Talking to other people at such times is very hard. This is why many resort to text and emails. Only, there are still many who do not read emails or texts in a timely manner and thus do not get informed. Having a family friend do the calling would be ideal if possible. Not just any friend could do it, but possibly there is someone. It would be someway for a person to help when we all feel so helpless. OR many families have someone who is able to keep their head and stay calm when calling in such situations. My mother was one of those and she was the one to call when my BIL passed unexpectedly.
Of course, sudden, unexpected death is the hardest to notify about especially as those being called want ALL the details and are too shocked to be polite or courteous about it all. Also, those situations tend to bring the worst out in many and what happens is remembered for the a long, long time and held against the perceived transgressor.
Having a list ahead of time of who needs to be notified is good also when death is a possibility, or even just a surgical outcome. When I had brain surgery last year, I made a list of people who asked to be notified and made sure their phone numbers were in my cell phone. Then my daughter sent text messages to them when I got out of surgery and was considered OK. But, these friends were told ahead of time it would just be a text message not a phone call.
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sharlag
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Post by sharlag on Sept 14, 2015 17:52:30 GMT
With today's technology, The ideal of telling someone in person or having someone else tell them in person is a bit threatened by someone posting online or texting the info before you can get to them.
I stupidly told my mom on the phone that her brother died. I should have waited to find dad and have him tell her.
I remember her making the calls to tell people about her brother's death, and me having to take the phone away from her because she'd start crying. We have the luxury in my family to be nearby to help one another in these circumstances.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2015 18:04:01 GMT
Me personally? I have no problem with Facebook and texting.
My husband and I have decided that everything will be done and over before family is told of our passing. Or our children can do what they want.
When his brother dies, we hope to be able to do the same thing, because we will need to get his property locked and secure before anybody knows he is gone. Greedy relatives!
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Post by anonrefugee on Sept 14, 2015 19:52:30 GMT
These situations are difficult. I'm sorry for your loss.
I imagine there was a time relatives complained "they" didn't receive the telegram yet "so & so" did. Or even the rider knew and the telephone operator gossiped.
I was told by text this weekend the end was near, but found out it happened on Facebook. It' was alright with me, I thought it sweet my relative felt close enough to keep me in the text loop and I was able to exchange messages with cousins without really intruding. And I knew they all were sleeping by the time was on Facebook.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Sept 14, 2015 22:19:56 GMT
I very recently lost my mother. She was in Arkansas, and I am in Illinois. My brother was with her when she died and he was overcome and could NOT call. His lovely wife called- and she was hysterical. I felt so bad for both of them, I know I wouldn't have been able to talk, either. I texted my husband because I sure as hell couldn't talk. I'm sorry if texting seems impersonal- even after "processing" it for a while, talking on the phone brings it back up and I much prefer written communication to talking so that I don't lose it again. Even a week later, I am still choked up and can't always deal with it well. I am very sorry for the loss of your mother. ((HUGS)) |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Sept 14, 2015 23:34:55 GMT
I very recently lost my mother. She was in Arkansas, and I am in Illinois. My brother was with her when she died and he was overcome and could NOT call. His lovely wife called- and she was hysterical. I felt so bad for both of them, I know I wouldn't have been able to talk, either. I texted my husband because I sure as hell couldn't talk. I'm sorry if texting seems impersonal- even after "processing" it for a while, talking on the phone brings it back up and I much prefer written communication to talking so that I don't lose it again. Even a week later, I am still choked up and can't always deal with it well. I understand. When my dad died (late at night), my husband called my daughter and told her, but other than that, I wasn't ready to talk to anyone. There wasn't really any family left other than one brother that there wasn't any contact with for many years (and frankly would have been looking at what "he" was going to get from the estate). There were also a couple of neighbors that I would have notified. However, somehow his death got reported right away and it was in the local paper in his town the next morning and all hell broke loose. It's likely had I had a way to communicate with any of these people by email or even on FB by private message, I would have, but I wasn't going to call them in the middle of the night, there were a lot of issues to be taken care of immediately, and I wasn't in a place that I really wanted to discuss it with people who already had given me a guilt trip about not being able to care for him in my own home or who I knew would immediately want something. There wasn't going to be a funeral or anything that people had to plan for so a delay of 12 hours wasn't hurting anyone. It's a very sad and busy time and I wouldn't judge anyone on how they choose to notify people. Now if it's just a "first to spread the word" kind of thing from 2nd level people, then that's another story. |
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