brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Oct 9, 2015 20:33:26 GMT
A little back story - my dh and my BFF's dh coach my girls (and BFF's DD) soccer team. This is the 2nd session they've coached together. My girls LOVE having them coach.
My BFF sent me a message this morning saying that her DD (who is friends with both of my girls) told her that there's talk on and off the field about my dd#1. Apparently, the other girls are not liking her very much because she bosses my dd#2 around, correcting everything she does wrong and the other girls are feeling bad for my dd#2. My BFF's DD made her promise not to say anything to me...but BFF thought I should know. And my dd#1 IS very bossy...and tends to act like a coach. My dh and I have talked to her about it on more than one occasion but it doesn't seem to matter. She may be good for a game or two but then I don't know...she goes right back to it.
I want to say something to my dd because I want her to be liked...but on the other hand, I don't want my BFF's dd not to trust my BFF because since I don't really talk to any of the other mom's from the team, my dd is going to know exactly who this came from.
I asked my BFF what she thought I should do. She said she thinks it'll need to come from a peer...but I have a feeling her peers aren't going to say anything to her and are just going to continue talking about her behind her back.
*sigh* WDTPT?
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Post by kmcginn on Oct 9, 2015 20:40:21 GMT
Maybe since both the dads coach, you can ask them to be aware of what's going on and if they hear it at practice, they can correct her as coaches - like they can ask her not to coach other girls and to let them be the coaches. That way you haven't really breached any confidence, but they can be on the lookout for it happening.
That's a tough one since they are sisters!
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Post by christine58 on Oct 9, 2015 20:41:49 GMT
If your DH is witnessing your DD #1 be mean/bossy to your other DD, her but should be benched. I would not involve your friend or her daughter. Let your DH see it---
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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TDTPT?
Oct 9, 2015 20:45:05 GMT
Post by brandy327 on Oct 9, 2015 20:45:05 GMT
If your DH is witnessing your DD #1 be mean/bossy to your other DD, her but should be benched. I would not involve your friend or her daughter. Let your DH see it--- I'm not sure if he's witnessing it but he's now aware of what my BFF told me so I know he'll be on the lookout for it. Unfortunately, we're short on players and benching her really isn't an option. |
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purplebee
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TDTPT?
Oct 9, 2015 20:54:28 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Oct 9, 2015 20:54:28 GMT
I agree. Let the coaches handle it, it will be better coming from the coaches rather than teammates "telling" on her. Good luck! My Dh coached baseball, and our Ds, for a lot of years, sometimes it was hard!
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Post by christine58 on Oct 9, 2015 20:55:19 GMT
If your DH is witnessing your DD #1 be mean/bossy to your other DD, her but should be benched. I would not involve your friend or her daughter. Let your DH see it--- I'm not sure if he's witnessing it but he's now aware of what my BFF told me so I know he'll be on the lookout for it. Unfortunately, we're short on players and benching her really isn't an option. Well then find another consequence because speaking to her is not working. |
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TDTPT?
Oct 9, 2015 21:07:55 GMT
Post by 950nancy on Oct 9, 2015 21:07:55 GMT
My two boys are two years apart. My youngest was larger than his older brother by second grade. They were often on the same baseball team that was coached by their dad. My oldest was actually pretty good at turning what girls call bossiness into what boys call leadership. He listened to his dad teach the boys what to do and did that with his brother. Perhaps your oldest can be taught how to inspire and teach rather than boss. Your husband needs to have a talk with her about what he is hearing and how to turn those words into words that inspire.
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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TDTPT?
Oct 9, 2015 21:12:37 GMT
Post by brandy327 on Oct 9, 2015 21:12:37 GMT
My two boys are two years apart. My youngest was larger than his older brother by second grade. They were often on the same baseball team that was coached by their dad. My oldest was actually pretty good at turning what girls call bossiness into what boys call leadership. He listened to his dad teach the boys what to do and did that with his brother. Perhaps your oldest can be taught how to inspire and teach rather than boss. Your husband needs to have a talk with her about what he is hearing and how to turn those words into words that inspire. I like the concept of turning it into inspire. She's a good kid...she has a HUGE heart and I know part of her issue is age and getting caught up in the game. But she needs to learn how to control herself and her mouth if she doesn't want these girls to really dislike her. My dh is planning on sitting her down tonight by herself and talking to her about it. But then also giving her consequences if HE sees it on the field. Not sure yet what those consequences will be though. |
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 9, 2015 21:19:28 GMT
My two boys are two years apart. My youngest was larger than his older brother by second grade. They were often on the same baseball team that was coached by their dad. My oldest was actually pretty good at turning what girls call bossiness into what boys call leadership. He listened to his dad teach the boys what to do and did that with his brother. Perhaps your oldest can be taught how to inspire and teach rather than boss. Your husband needs to have a talk with her about what he is hearing and how to turn those words into words that inspire. I like the concept of turning it into inspire. She's a good kid...she has a HUGE heart and I know part of her issue is age and getting caught up in the game. But she needs to learn how to control herself and her mouth if she doesn't want these girls to really dislike her. My dh is planning on sitting her down tonight by herself and talking to her about it. But then also giving her consequences if HE sees it on the field. Not sure yet what those consequences will be though. My oldest is super competitive. My youngest played because he heard there might be cupcakes. However when his brother worked with him and helped him get better, he was in heaven. |
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kate
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Jun 26, 2014 3:30:05 GMT
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Post by kate on Oct 9, 2015 21:22:56 GMT
My youngest played because he heard there might be cupcakes. There's a boy after my own heart! |
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Deleted
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May 6, 2024 1:05:08 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 9, 2015 21:57:35 GMT
I think having your DH handle it as the coach is the best route. If she continues to do it, make her run laps. That's what my brother's coaches did way back when if he disobeyed a directive. It turned out to be effective in getting him to change his behavior.
Also, try to get her to be empathetic. How would she feel if her sister or any other player constantly corrected her? Would she enjoy that? Then maybe she'll understand how her sister feels about being bossed around all the time.
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Post by gritzi on Oct 9, 2015 21:59:32 GMT
Both coaches need to have a team meeting ... let the subject be about team camaraderie, how to positively help one another while letting the coaches instruct where improvements are needed, etc etc.
Benching her is still an option. I don't know the level of play, but most leagues have players who can "play up" &/or be used as subs (a U13 player playing up/subbing in on a U14 team). Benching wouldn't be my first punishment, but certainly would be an option should the behavior continue after being warned. The coaches having a team meeting should curb any further negativity.
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TDTPT?
Oct 9, 2015 22:13:03 GMT
Post by maryland on Oct 9, 2015 22:13:03 GMT
My best friend and I had the same situation today! Our daughters are best friends! I wouldn't say anything because you don't want the kids to never tell you anything because they don't trust you. I would take the information and try to figure out a way to guide her without telling what you know.
I agree with the above poster who suggested the dads keep any eye on things. Maybe when they see her being bossy, talk to her about it.
It sounds like they are a nice group of girls looking out for your daughter!
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brandy327
Drama Llama
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Post by brandy327 on Oct 9, 2015 23:52:01 GMT
My best friend and I had the same situation today! Our daughters are best friends! I wouldn't say anything because you don't want the kids to never tell you anything because they don't trust you. I would take the information and try to figure out a way to guide her without telling what you know. I agree with the above poster who suggested the dads keep any eye on things. Maybe when they see her being bossy, talk to her about it. It sounds like they are a nice group of girls looking out for your daughter! I'm sorry you had the same situation. Yes, I don't want anything coming from me...and I won't be saying a thing. DH said he was going to have another talk with her about it. Tomorrow will be a good test to see if she's going to listen to him or not since we have a tournament where we'll be at the field all day and play at least 2 games. The group of girls are very nice and I'm thankful that BFF told me...*sigh* Made me feel like a pretty crappy parent though. Her dd's are a few years apart in age so while they disagree, they're never in organized sports together. We've never had issues with anyone complaining about them/their behavior before, quite opposite actually. So having someone, or in this case a group of her peers, say something makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. |
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Kerri W
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Post by Kerri W on Oct 9, 2015 23:58:59 GMT
The group of girls are very nice and I'm thankful that BFF told me...*sigh* Made me feel like a pretty crappy parent though. Her dd's are a few years apart in age so while they disagree, they're never in organized sports together. We've never had issues with anyone complaining about them/their behavior before, quite opposite actually. So having someone, or in this case a group of her peers, say something makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I don't think anybody here has touched on the fact that your DDs are twins and like it not, it's a different dynamic than singleton siblings. I remember these years on the old board and TimsJen and her twin gave me great advice in dealing with my DDs...and they were right! Twin A is often more domineering. We like to say our Twin A takes her job as oldest sibling very seriously. That's nice for she's flipping bossy. Not to other people, but to her siblings. Especially her twin. We worked at it from two different angles. First, she was not allowed to treat her twin different than she would any other teammate. If she did, she was called on it and dealt with like it was any other teammate and not her sister. Second, we worked really hard on twin B not allowing her sister to boss her around and I think for *us* that was the key. I wouldn't let her behavior slide and I think you're smart to let DH handle it from a coach's perspective. But I would also try to work on twin B if she's passive and allows her sister to dominate. |
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TDTPT?
Oct 10, 2015 0:09:24 GMT
Post by anxiousmom on Oct 10, 2015 0:09:24 GMT
Both coaches need to have a team meeting ... let the subject be about team camaraderie, how to positively help one another while letting the coaches instruct where improvements are needed, etc etc. Benching her is still an option. I don't know the level of play, but most leagues have players who can "play up" &/or be used as subs (a U13 player playing up/subbing in on a U14 team). Benching wouldn't be my first punishment, but certainly would be an option should the behavior continue after being warned. The coaches having a team meeting should curb any further negativity. My youngest subbed up all the time. Because he was always around while his brother was practicing, most of the coaches would let him practice with his brother's team for that very reason-it gave them sort of an extra kid that was also familiar with the team dynamics. Of course the younger boy's team came first and he couldn't sub when he played at the same time, but he was good enough that he fit in with his older brother's team. Over the years, the coaches used him to sub for kids that were being benched for various reasons and it did help with behavioral issues. |
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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TDTPT?
Oct 10, 2015 1:12:17 GMT
Post by brandy327 on Oct 10, 2015 1:12:17 GMT
The group of girls are very nice and I'm thankful that BFF told me...*sigh* Made me feel like a pretty crappy parent though. Her dd's are a few years apart in age so while they disagree, they're never in organized sports together. We've never had issues with anyone complaining about them/their behavior before, quite opposite actually. So having someone, or in this case a group of her peers, say something makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. Please don't feel like a crappy parent. I don't think anybody here has touched on the fact that your DDs are twins and like it not, it's a different dynamic than singleton siblings. I remember these years on the old board and TimsJen and her twin gave me great advice in dealing with my DDs...and they were right! Twin A is often more domineering. We like to say our Twin A takes her job as oldest sibling very seriously. That's nice for she's flipping bossy. Not to other people, but to her siblings. Especially her twin. We worked at it from two different angles. First, she was not allowed to treat her twin different than she would any other teammate. If she did, she was called on it and dealt with like it was any other teammate and not her sister. Second, we worked really hard on twin B not allowing her sister to boss her around and I think for *us* that was the key. I wouldn't let her behavior slide and I think you're smart to let DH handle it from a coach's perspective. But I would also try to work on twin B if she's passive and allows her sister to dominate. Thank you SO much for your perspective!! It's nice to have another twin parent check in. None of my friends or acquaintances have twins so I have no one that really shares this dynamic. And it's SO funny that twin A is more domineering...because it's twin A doing all the bossing. Don't get me wrong, twin B is plenty assertive...but honestly, she's matured a lot more than her sister has. She kind of lets it go in one ear and out the other. And at times when she's sick of it, she'll tell her to shut her mouth (in a nice way  ). Both are very social and outgoing and neither have an issue speaking up. Twin B plays goalie and Twin A plays defense so on the field, they're in close proximity. The behavior most definitely won't be tolerated and now that dh knows he'll be extra vigilant to make sure she's not being bossy. |
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TDTPT?
Oct 10, 2015 11:58:53 GMT
Post by maryland on Oct 10, 2015 11:58:53 GMT
My best friend and I had the same situation today! Our daughters are best friends! I wouldn't say anything because you don't want the kids to never tell you anything because they don't trust you. I would take the information and try to figure out a way to guide her without telling what you know. I agree with the above poster who suggested the dads keep any eye on things. Maybe when they see her being bossy, talk to her about it. It sounds like they are a nice group of girls looking out for your daughter! I'm sorry you had the same situation. Yes, I don't want anything coming from me...and I won't be saying a thing. DH said he was going to have another talk with her about it. Tomorrow will be a good test to see if she's going to listen to him or not since we have a tournament where we'll be at the field all day and play at least 2 games. The group of girls are very nice and I'm thankful that BFF told me...*sigh* Made me feel like a pretty crappy parent though. Her dd's are a few years apart in age so while they disagree, they're never in organized sports together. We've never had issues with anyone complaining about them/their behavior before, quite opposite actually. So having someone, or in this case a group of her peers, say something makes me feel like I'm not doing my job. I feel the same way! But you are doing a great job! There are things my husband and I really stress with our kids, and sometimes it seems that they act the opposite. I guess they are just kids, and learning what works and what doesn't. So hard when we want to say something, but in the long run it's better not too give away our "source". It sounds like you have a great plan in place! And I bet it's so hard to have kids on the same team. My kids are older (12, 16 and 18) but when my 2 oldest were on the same indoor soccer team last season, the oldest would get "mad" when the other one would score! |
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). Both are very social and outgoing and neither have an issue speaking up. Twin B plays goalie and Twin A plays defense so on the field, they're in close proximity.