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Post by Bitchy Rich on Oct 13, 2015 19:41:50 GMT
The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves. I'm going to need you to call my mother and get her off my back.
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 13, 2015 19:53:55 GMT
When I was younger the only communication we had a college was Sunday nights. You paid for each long distance call, so I think today's culture is quite different. You rarely see a young person 15-25 without their phone attached to their eyeballs. Even at work people would have their phones out for every meeting and often using them on company time. So I can see what a parent that is waiting for an answer can get frustrated because we all know the kid saw the text a second after it was sent. My oldest initiated the texting about 5% of the time. Parents do notice that, but you just can't make a big deal out of it. My youngest lives in the dorms and lives about 20 minutes away and he and I text every day, but I know he is busy so very often it is just "Hey." He replies and that is that. I can 100% count on the Thursday text at 11:30. It is the Hey with seven or eight y's at the end. In texting code that is what are you doing and if you aren't busy, please come get me and take me out for lunch. My youngest will also private message me on FB and send me funny or disgusting videos. I read that as love. Both of my boys have told me they are just going to put my husband and I in an old folk's home and just keep the house.
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Post by flanz on Oct 13, 2015 20:04:58 GMT
Does it really matter who initiates more? Why would you keep track of something like this? If I knew my mom was keeping track of how often I contact her versus her contacting me, I'd probably cease contact completely... it's just too tit for tat for me. If they are responding, what does it matter? I@grinningcat, I think I understand OP's motivation in asking the question. And I think her sons prob. appreciate the feeling of independence hanging back at this point is likely to bring up. OUr kids are now 27 and 25 and very independent, always have been as young adults and onward. When DS and then DD went off to college (far, far from home) we asked that they call us once a week, on Sunday evenings, at first. I sat on my hands sometimes NOT texting, not sending an email, waiting for them to initiate contact. This was their time to spread their wings, experience true independence (aside from financial), while knowing that we love them unconditionally and are here for them, always. Last thing I/we wanted to be was helicopter parents!! So yes, most of the time I waited for them to initiate contact, and I noticed. Once in a while I would send an email if I needed a reply about something time critical, but otherwise I gave them space to breathe. OP, after some time we began initiating contact once in a while, and then more often. Don't pay attention to it now, but still make it a point not to interfere in their lives too much. They still live far from home, one in EU and one in a far-off state usually on any icy mountaintop. Sometimes 3 weeks go by without contact, sometimes we talk or text or videochat 2 or 3 times in a week.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 8, 2024 11:11:44 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 20:08:53 GMT
my girls are not so young (30's) but during our family reunion planning, one of them set up a facebook chat for us to talk about food and activities for the reunion. Afterwards, we have kept it and I hear from them almost every day. Just everyday whats going on stuff. It's really nice. I especially like the funny things they tell me about the grandchildren.
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wasil
Full Member
Posts: 354
Location: Iowa
Aug 3, 2014 12:59:34 GMT
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Post by wasil on Oct 13, 2015 23:29:42 GMT
When my son was in college my husband and I called him every Sunday night. My son has never been much for chit chat and sometimes he had a lot to say and other times he did not but he was almost always available for those Sunday night chats but if we forgot he did not call us.
At his graduation this spring we had the opportunity to meet a group of his close friends and several commented that they envied him those Sunday night calls and wished their own parents had initiated more/regular contact.
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back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Oct 13, 2015 23:40:31 GMT
You said your 18 year old left on not so great terms. That is your answer. The fact that he answers your texts and is open to talking is a positive sign. Having an expectation of something more is only going to leave you disappointed.
As far as what you described with your older son, that is my experience as well. Sometimes I hardly hear from him or reach out other times much more interaction. I don't read anything into it.
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Post by Delta Dawn on Oct 14, 2015 0:02:14 GMT
My son Facetimes me every day or I him. I think we have missed one day or two but not many. He comes home often and I see him then, too, but won't see him now for at least 2 weeks. He never initiates a text ever. He will Facetime instead of texting. He always makes sure we have eye contact when we hang up, too. We don't stare at the screen at each other unless he is really upset about something or has pain (toothache etc).
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Post by Flowergirl on Oct 14, 2015 0:17:52 GMT
DS20 is a college junior. We speak about once a week. We do Snapchat each other once a day though. We started over the summer and have a streak going and we want to see how long we can keep it going, so at least once a day we snap a silly picture to each other. We text a couple times a week if one of us needs something from the other, but we don't expect a timely text back from each other unless it's important.
He was having some health issues last year and wasn't great about communicating with home which was stressful, but we worked out a plan and he's great about following through with it this year.
It's a weird adjustment period for both sides and so much different than what I experienced in the 80s with my mom.
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Post by seikashaven on Oct 14, 2015 1:01:31 GMT
I'm in my 30s and still feel like my mother keeps track of the frequency of my calls to her. Plus I'm pretty sure they think it's my job to initiate contact. The phone works two ways people!
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 14, 2015 1:05:48 GMT
I'm in my 30s and still feel like my mother keeps track of the frequency of my calls to her. Plus I'm pretty sure they think it's my job to initiate contact. The phone works two ways people! My husband calls his mom every other night and emails her once a week. She's ninety and doesn't call him, but isn't happy when he doesn't call. I think some parents just have expectations that the rest of us don't.
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