momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 13, 2015 10:57:31 GMT
I have a couple of kids out of the house currently - the 23 yo will text or snapchat me a picture/message maybe a couple times a week. He does initiate contact (I do as well, but we likely have contact just a couple times a week, which seems fine.)
The 18 yo left on not so great terms a couple months ago. Things have settled down, he responds to texts, I invite him out he's very agreeable. Last week I asked if we could talk and gave him some options and he choose the first available, the next day. So we seem to be on ok terms in my opinion. But I he never initiates any contact - is this unusual with this age group? Last contact is going on 1 1/2 weeks and all contact has been initiated by me.
By the way they are both boys if that matters at all.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 8, 2024 17:44:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 11:02:50 GMT
you're in for a long road ahead if you keep track of who contacts who
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Oct 13, 2015 11:08:03 GMT
It doesn't seem unusual to me.
My daughter is only 12... so I am trying to teach her now that I want a check in every day when she is at her Dad's. Otherwise I wouldn't hear from her unless she is really bored.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Oct 13, 2015 11:09:34 GMT
Your 18 year old is wanting his independence and that is perfectly normal. I say the contact with your children at this point is just how it is. I have three children grown and out of the house and sometimes they text/call every day but we go a week or more without contact. I usually just wait for them to text/call/snapchat me but do call myself sometimes. Two are in college and one is working full time and I think they don't want their mama hovering. It's hard though!
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Post by peasapie on Oct 13, 2015 11:11:21 GMT
I was just thinking the other day that I am more in touch with my adult kids than my parents were with me, and cell phones are probably the reason. It's easy to text a couple of times during the day just to stay in touch. That goes for my son and my daughter.
As far as initiating, I don't know who does but it's probably more me than them. But who cares? Just keep the conversation going.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 8, 2024 17:44:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 11:21:41 GMT
Social media is your friend. It seems like you are coming to that point where they are going to want a little less interaction so you can stalk them on social media like a good mom.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 13, 2015 11:23:16 GMT
Does it really matter who initiates more? Why would you keep track of something like this? If I knew my mom was keeping track of how often I contact her versus her contacting me, I'd probably cease contact completely... it's just too tit for tat for me. If they are responding, what does it matter?
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Post by baslp on Oct 13, 2015 11:24:13 GMT
My twins are juniors in college. I only hear from them if they need something. The request usually comes in the form of a text. I am not that bothered by this. They are in the process of separating from us.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 13, 2015 11:30:35 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses.
For example, I can go a day or two before my oldest responds to a text. But I texted him last night after I heard that Will Grier (the Florida quarterback) had been suspended-a bit of a thing since I am HUGE Gator fan and he attends LSU-the team the Gators play this weekend. It will now be a VERY different game. The boy answered
that text right away and as long as we stuck to football, the conversation went on-the minute we (me) changed subjects that was it.
The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves.
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JustTricia
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,826 
Location: Indianapolis
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Post by JustTricia on Oct 13, 2015 11:34:09 GMT
Social media is your friend. It seems like you are coming to that point where they are going to want a little less interaction so you can stalk them on social media like a good mom. If you are going to use social media, please use it wisely. Being Facebook / Instagram / whatever friends is a great way to see what's going on in their lives, but also realize they don't want their mom commenting on every post. I'm pretty sure my BIL set his accounts to notify him whenever my niece posted on Facebook. For a LONG time he would comment something, ANYTHING, whether insightful, clever, stupid, or nosy on every.single.thing she posted on Facebook within minutes, sometimes within seconds. It annoyed the crap out of me, and it wasn't happening to me. I went out with her and her friends a couple of times and she would post a picture and one of them would say "now we guess how soon until your dad comments!" so either her friends were noticing or she was bitching about it. She stopped posting. I don't know whether she ended up having a talk with him or not because she's back to posting after a long absence. |
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Post by mtscrapper on Oct 13, 2015 11:36:48 GMT
Saw this the other day: Remember me Pretty funny! ETA: I have 2 grown children and another one who just turned 18. My oldest daughter calls me every day. She calls me her best friend. We are closer now than we were when she was home. My son, on the other hand, just calls us (or we call him if he forgets) once a week. We do occasionally text each other, but he/we are fine with that much contact. As long as we hear from him occasionally, we are happy with that. My 18-year-old is still in high school, so we will see when she moves out next year. |
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Oct 13, 2015 11:39:56 GMT
When my sons were first living out of my home, they both knew that if I didn't hear from them about once a week, I would call them. It became sort of a joke after a while. My ODS would call me about day 7 or 8 and would ask if he made the deadline. My youngest would seldom initiate contact so I would call him. If he did contact me, it was always by text. I remember being that age and the last thing I wanted to do was spend time chatting with my Mother. As I aged, contact became more frequent. The same seems to be true with my kids.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 8, 2024 17:44:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 12:08:02 GMT
It is not unusual. They are in the process of establishing themselves as... themselves instead of "your kids"
You aren't giving him enough time in his space to miss you and want to contact you. I hear from mine about once a month when they feel they have enough new news to talk about.
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Post by anonrefugee on Oct 13, 2015 12:13:13 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses. For example, I can go a day or two before my oldest responds to a text. But I texted him last night after I heard that Will Grier (the Florida quarterback) had been suspended-a bit of a thing since I am HUGE Gator fan and he attends LSU-the team the Gators play this weekend. It will now be a VERY different game. The boy answered that text right away and as long as we stuck to football, the conversation went on-the minute we (me) changed subjects that was it. The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves. My oldest is moving into this phase. I swear sometimes I hear myself speak, or see myself text the offending question or comment, but don't stop in time. I wish I was like a cartoon character and could roll words back if needed! How on earth did you develop the discipline? |
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Post by Linda on Oct 13, 2015 12:18:20 GMT
mine are all still at home - my oldest leaves for basic in a month -but my expectation is that I'll be the one keeping in touch with them rather than the reverse based on my experiences moving out. I also expect that my son will communicate differently from my daughter - as they do now
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Nanner
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,963
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Post by Nanner on Oct 13, 2015 12:22:16 GMT
DS is 25. He comes by to see us once a week. I'm fine with that. I don't have to ask him to see him, he just does it.
DD lives 2 provinces away. We talk on on the phone anywhere from once a week to 4 times a week. Depending on her schedule - she's working on her dissertation, and if she's on a roll, I hate to interrupt her. She also works, and has a lot of other stuff going on. She's not always accessible!!! So our deal is that she phones me when she has time to talk, and I call her back and we have a nice long chat. Always at least once per week.
I can live with that!
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Oct 13, 2015 12:27:39 GMT
Saw this the other day: Remember me Pretty funny! ETA: I have 2 grown children and another one who just turned 18. My oldest daughter calls me every day. She calls me her best friend. We are closer now than we were when she was home. My son, on the other hand, just calls us (or we call him if he forgets) once a week. We do occasionally text each other, but he/we are fine with that much contact. As long as we hear from him occasionally, we are happy with that. My 18-year-old is still in high school, so we will see when she moves out next year. Ha Ha.. I thought about that too. |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 13, 2015 12:39:08 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses. For example, I can go a day or two before my oldest responds to a text. But I texted him last night after I heard that Will Grier (the Florida quarterback) had been suspended-a bit of a thing since I am HUGE Gator fan and he attends LSU-the team the Gators play this weekend. It will now be a VERY different game. The boy answered that text right away and as long as we stuck to football, the conversation went on-the minute we (me) changed subjects that was it. The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves. Your example is exactly what i'm doing with him, trying to have a reason other than how are you doing to contact him. Something he can't find offensive and won't take too much effort to have an enjoyable even brief text conversation with him. Thanks to all, don't want to quote everyone - there are some wonderful pieces of advice in there! I mainly wanted to know how normal it was and now I realize it's all good. As far as keeping track of who's contacting who. I used 23 yo as an example because I feel that is normal contact and likely because he's a little more mature....we don't take turns or keep track. If I have something interesting to say or want to know how he is I contact him. Same for him. With 18 yo if I didn't contact him i'd have zero contact with him at all. It wasn't so much that i'm keeping track of things, but more giving facts here so I could find out if this is what other parents experience! I've said nothing to him about it and don't intend to. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 8, 2024 17:44:57 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 13, 2015 12:45:52 GMT
Social media is your friend. It seems like you are coming to that point where they are going to want a little less interaction so you can stalk them on social media like a good mom. If you are going to use social media, please use it wisely. Being Facebook / Instagram / whatever friends is a great way to see what's going on in their lives, but also realize they don't want their mom commenting on every post. I'm pretty sure my BIL set his accounts to notify him whenever my niece posted on Facebook. For a LONG time he would comment something, ANYTHING, whether insightful, clever, stupid, or nosy on every.single.thing she posted on Facebook within minutes, sometimes within seconds. It annoyed the crap out of me, and it wasn't happening to me. I went out with her and her friends a couple of times and she would post a picture and one of them would say "now we guess how soon until your dad comments!" so either her friends were noticing or she was bitching about it. She stopped posting. I don't know whether she ended up having a talk with him or not because she's back to posting after a long absence. Yep. That goes without saying. Stalk in private. |
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Post by maryland on Oct 13, 2015 13:03:15 GMT
I don't think gender matters, but it's the person himself/herself. My oldest just turned 18 this summer and is 5 hrs. away at college. We didn't hear much from her the first week, but she will text occasionally and has even called us occasionally (she hates to talk on the phone, so we didn't expect it!). We don't call her because she has a busy schedule with classes, labs, discussions, study groups. We let her call when it is convenient for her.
I can't picture our 16 yr. old daughter ever calling us (haha!). She is too busy.
I have friends with older kids in college and some boys/girls call occasionally and some boys/girls don't.
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Post by anxiousmom on Oct 13, 2015 13:03:38 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses. For example, I can go a day or two before my oldest responds to a text. But I texted him last night after I heard that Will Grier (the Florida quarterback) had been suspended-a bit of a thing since I am HUGE Gator fan and he attends LSU-the team the Gators play this weekend. It will now be a VERY different game. The boy answered that text right away and as long as we stuck to football, the conversation went on-the minute we (me) changed subjects that was it. The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves. My oldest is moving into this phase. I swear sometimes I hear myself speak, or see myself text the offending question or comment, but don't stop in time. I wish I was like a cartoon character and could roll words back if needed! How on earth did you develop the discipline? Trial and error mostly. And I don't always get it right, there are times I am the same cartoon character that wishes she had of kept her big fat mouth shut. I also have a mother who has coached me pretty well, she and I navigated the parent/child to adult/adult relationship pretty well and she has given me pretty good advice. Biggest thing I have learned is don't text questions that start with 'why have/haven't you' or 'when are you planning' or any of the 'you need to/you should' statements. Sometimes I suck though-and can't help it. My kid is off this semester due to when his basic training was completed (he is National Guard.) He left yesterday for his drill weekend, but that isn't until Friday-we think, he isn't really saying. He flew from here, but only bought a one way ticket. I want to know what in the ever loving hell he is up to-one way? when are you coming home? He lived in the dorms, so where is he planning on staying? He mentioned that he is maybe going to the FL/LSU game, but what about drill weekend?? So many questions. But the boy is almost 20, he is paying for this deal on his own and if he is old enough to commit to the military, he is old enough to run his life. I did ask when he was planning on coming back and that shut down the conversation completely. Most days I can do it, and some days I can't. When I am feeling so overwhelming compelled to contact him, I text him pictures of home-the other boy, the cats, something funny, his favorite dinner that he is missing...it keeps me from actually talking and saying something stupid.  |
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Tuttle
Junior Member
Posts: 85
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Post by Tuttle on Oct 13, 2015 13:06:05 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses. The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves.  My transition into adulthood would have been much smoother if my mother had adopted this approach. I'm going to have to remember this for when my kids start to reach that age. |
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Post by maryland on Oct 13, 2015 13:08:54 GMT
I am learning that the 'mountain has to go to Mohammad' when it comes to teenagers and even more so as my older teenager approaches 20. The 'mountain' also has to be WAYYYYYYYYYY more laid back and keep the contact pretty low key and on topics that don't require a lot of in depth emotional responses. For example, I can go a day or two before my oldest responds to a text. But I texted him last night after I heard that Will Grier (the Florida quarterback) had been suspended-a bit of a thing since I am HUGE Gator fan and he attends LSU-the team the Gators play this weekend. It will now be a VERY different game. The boy answered that text right away and as long as we stuck to football, the conversation went on-the minute we (me) changed subjects that was it. The secret is low key, have zero expectations, realize that the responses are going to be vastly different than they would be when they were younger, don't think that they will ever initiate contact (unless they need something desperately,) every kid communicates differently, and always keep in the back of your mind that this isn't about how much they love you-it's about how much they just want to be their own selves. That's so funny because that's what my college freshman (18) and I text about! I send her texts about her school's basketball team. She usually answers fast. She texts me when she sees some of the basketball players walking around campus because she thinks they are cute! I was quite the athlete stalker in college (haha!) so she gets it from me! I also texted her about her schools football coach being fired . |
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,151
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 13, 2015 13:21:29 GMT
My oldest is moving into this phase. I swear sometimes I hear myself speak, or see myself text the offending question or comment, but don't stop in time. I wish I was like a cartoon character and could roll words back if needed! How on earth did you develop the discipline? Trial and error mostly. And I don't always get it right, there are times I am the same cartoon character that wishes she had of kept her big fat mouth shut. I also have a mother who has coached me pretty well, she and I navigated the parent/child to adult/adult relationship pretty well and she has given me pretty good advice. Biggest thing I have learned is don't text questions that start with 'why have/haven't you' or 'when are you planning' or any of the 'you need to/you should' statements. Sometimes I suck though-and can't help it. My kid is off this semester due to when his basic training was completed (he is National Guard.) He left yesterday for his drill weekend, but that isn't until Friday-we think, he isn't really saying. He flew from here, but only bought a one way ticket. I want to know what in the ever loving hell he is up to-one way? when are you coming home? He lived in the dorms, so where is he planning on staying? He mentioned that he is maybe going to the FL/LSU game, but what about drill weekend?? So many questions. But the boy is almost 20, he is paying for this deal on his own and if he is old enough to commit to the military, he is old enough to run his life. I did ask when he was planning on coming back and that shut down the conversation completely. Most days I can do it, and some days I can't. When I am feeling so overwhelming compelled to contact him, I text him pictures of home-the other boy, the cats, something funny, his favorite dinner that he is missing...it keeps me from actually talking and saying something stupid. It isn't easy some days! Your post makes me think that i'll have a better relationship with now 16 yo when she's away at college and we just text! I can do pretty well texting not to annoy them and keep it light....but boy every time I open my mouth to say something to her it seems to offend her. I do better texting, I can edit before sending - unlike my mouth! |
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 13, 2015 13:23:10 GMT
At 18 i only called my mom here and there.
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Post by ntsf on Oct 13, 2015 15:37:00 GMT
I have one child who lives in new zealand (I am in the us) and we only talk once a month or so..text occasionally. it is ok
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Post by jenb72 on Oct 13, 2015 17:55:24 GMT
I was just thinking the other day that I am more in touch with my adult kids than my parents were with me, and cell phones are probably the reason. It's easy to text a couple of times during the day just to stay in touch. That goes for my son and my daughter. As far as initiating, I don't know who does but it's probably more me than them. But who cares? Just keep the conversation going.  My 23-yr-old DD and I talk about 3-4 times a week and I see her weekly, but she lives 15 minutes away and has my 11-mo-old DGS, so she brings him over to visit on Sundays. When she was in college, we would go a week or two between calls, and sometimes even longer. Some were initiated by me and some by her. I can already tell that my 16-yr-old DD probably won't be calling me every other day like her sister does - she's much more independent. And that's just fine with me. I won't be overwhelming her with calls to check up on her, either. 14-yr-old DS is going to be a challenge only because he already tries to ignore communication from me (he lives with XH). I have a feeling that when he goes out on his own, any communication is going to have to be initiated by me and he won't always find it necessary to respond. It's something I'll have to deal with and hopefully it will get better as he gets older. Point being, everyone is different - you can see that with your own kids. Give him some space to be independent, but keep easy communication open - social media, quick texts. Do your best not to push too hard or you may find him shutting it down completely. Given time and maturity, and some space, hopefully he will start finding reasons to contact you once in a while instead of it being the other way around. Jen |
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Post by gar on Oct 13, 2015 18:06:53 GMT
It helps to remember what you felt like at that age about spontaneous contact with parents when you first left home....its a time for spreading your wings, establishing your own life etc. Don't keep a check, just be happy when they initiate contact and when they don't contact them - just not every hour!!
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Post by Basket1lady on Oct 13, 2015 18:07:47 GMT
I have a college freshman, so my guy is a little younger. We set up a few things to keep communication going. These are in place for as long as he receives an allowance from us. Of course when he's out on his own, he doesn't have to comply. But I'm hoping it will set up a habit. DS has Asperger's and is in college 1,300 miles away. I didn't want him to just drop off the radar. And regular contact lets me read how he's doing without quizzing him or asking about his feelings.  -He has to answer an email or text, even if it's to just say ok or got it. -Once a week, he has to send me a photo. I can be completely of his choosing. Some weeks I get funny signs, some weeks pictures of him. This week's photo was a picture of the bottle of apple cider he bought on a trip to the orchard with his honors group. -Once a week, he has to call or FaceTime. He usually does FaceTime so that he can see the dog. -I proof his papers, so there is usually some sort of conversation there. -And I just text him random funny things that I see or think of. I look on Pinterest a lot for funny memes. I'll send 1-2 a week, just to let him know that I love him. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Oct 13, 2015 19:33:29 GMT
At 18 i only called my mom here and there. I was thinking along the same lines, I don't call my mom all the time and she doesn't call me all the time either  My 33 and 26 yr olds text or call just whenever, no set schedule and no set who initiates either. Sometimes I call or text them, sometimes they call or text me first. For me I know that they are adults now and I know the one has a family and a job and friends and a band and etc. He values his family but has a lot on his plate. So I cherish the time I spend with him but I try not to barge in too often. My 26 yr old has a job and a household and friends and etc. So I try to treat her the same way. |
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My transition into adulthood would have been much smoother if my mother had adopted this approach. I'm going to have to remember this for when my kids start to reach that age.
