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Post by wrongwayfeldman on Oct 15, 2015 4:14:26 GMT
My friend started getting suspicious a month ago. His early morning walks that used to take a half hour started turning into 2 hrs, his 9pm bedtime started getting postponed by last minute trips to the hardware store, and he suddenly started deleting all of his text messages and leaving his phone in his pocket. One check of their cell phone account showed 900 text messages and over 200 phone calls, all during those early morning hours, in just this last month, and all to the same number. The other woman: an old friend from his HS days (he is 50) that is ALSO married and posts constantly to her fb page about her Christian beliefs. She is a customer in their small business. I'm just sick for my friend. Then this happened: My DH, along with another buddy, was due to meet up with this @$$hole for a 3-day car show out of state. Keep in mind, none of us knew anything about this until this morning. Cheater man cancels on driving to the show with my dh and his friend last minute, yet tells my friend that he IS headed out of town for the show. Takes her brand new car, leaving her with his junky car, then shows up at the event with his new "lady friend" on his arm. My dh, who caught a ride with his other buddy, is livid. He waits all year for this short little guys trip, only to have it ruined by this drama, not to mention his disappointment in his stupid friend. So my dh tells him this, in front of the other woman, and also tells him he's making a big mistake and separates himself from them for the event. I'm proud of dh for speaking out on my friend's behalf, and I'm bummed there is a damper on their trip. I don't know what advice to offer my friend. I know there are two sides to every story, but she sent me a copy of the phone records and obviously I believe her since the woman showed up at this out of town show with my friend's husband. We have been friends with them for years and I feel so duped, I can't even imagine how she must feel. I don't know what questions I have. I feel sick for my sweet friend and I want to help her.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 15, 2015 4:29:15 GMT
Send her to www.survivinginfidelity.com Make copies of cell bill Copies of all financial paperwork Hide anything with sentimental value Take inventory of the house Hire or consult with a lawyer
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Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,074
Jun 27, 2014 4:11:36 GMT
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Post by Mary Kay Lady on Oct 15, 2015 4:38:12 GMT
I'm so sorry. You must feel sick for her.
Freecharlie's advice is good. Hire a lawyer and start counseling. Continue to be supportive of her. She's going to need a good friend.
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happymomma
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,078
Aug 6, 2014 23:57:56 GMT
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Post by happymomma on Oct 15, 2015 4:38:21 GMT
Everything listed above plus tell her to get checked for STDs. Be there for her for support. I'm sorry for your friend.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 1:33:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 4:51:02 GMT
Everything listed above plus tell her to get checked for STDs. Be there for her for support. I'm sorry for your friend. I'm sorry for your friend and all that will affected by this. Cheating is NOT a solitary activity. The ripple effect is larger than the cheater can imagine. L
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Post by miominmio on Oct 15, 2015 4:57:01 GMT
Your poor friend! Freecharlie offers sound advice. Although your friend is hurting (and might want to hide crying under a blanket), now is the time to get things in order. Since her husband is starting to show off his new woman to his friends, it probably means he's planning to divorce your friend, and he might already be hiding assets etc. She needs to hire the best divorce lawyer she can get, TODAY. If she wants to wait a day or two, tell her that that's one of the things that just cannot wait. (Both my sister and a friend of mine were able to get the best lawyer in the district before their ex's could, and they benefited greatly from that.)
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Post by jumperhop on Oct 15, 2015 4:57:11 GMT
I am so sorry! Glad she has a great friend in you. This happened to one of my besties the week I had brain surgery. Boy was it awful timing as I could only offer her a listening ear. Last week 6 months after he left her for his professional wrestler girlfriend, he left his girlfriend and begged my bestie to come back to him and she took him back. I am not sure which made my head spin more the brain surgery or her taking him back. Hugs! Jen
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M in Carolina
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,128
Jun 29, 2014 12:11:41 GMT
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Post by M in Carolina on Oct 15, 2015 9:51:48 GMT
I think you and your husband are good friends to not support this cheating. The sooner your friend gets the biggest shark divorce lawyer she can find, the better.
She needs to hide the keys to her car, too.
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Post by Really Red on Oct 15, 2015 10:34:12 GMT
She needs to get her affairs in order TODAY. If this guy was so brazen that he'd take his GF with him on a trip, who knows what he's done with their money. She needs to do something immediately.
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TheOtherMeg
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,541
Jun 25, 2014 20:58:14 GMT
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Post by TheOtherMeg on Oct 15, 2015 11:09:32 GMT
She needs to get her affairs in order TODAY. If this guy was so brazen that he'd take his GF with him on a trip, who knows what he's done with their money. She needs to do something immediately. This. Preferably *before* she lets her NSDH know that she knows he's cheating.
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sweetpeasmom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,592
Jun 27, 2014 14:04:01 GMT
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Post by sweetpeasmom on Oct 15, 2015 11:43:10 GMT
I am sorry that your friend is going through this. I can't believe he was brazen enough to bring her to the car show with your DH there. What was he thinking?
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 1:33:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 11:46:28 GMT
She also needs to contact the other woman's husband.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Oct 15, 2015 12:19:55 GMT
She needs to get her affairs in order TODAY. If this guy was so brazen that he'd take his GF with him on a trip, who knows what he's done with their money. She needs to do something immediately. Plus the fact that he took his wife's car to impress his girlfriend? He is not only brazen, he feels entitled. When that happens, the spouse ends to start protecting herself asap.
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rickmer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,123
Jul 1, 2014 20:20:18 GMT
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Post by rickmer on Oct 15, 2015 12:34:45 GMT
i would say she has no time to waste. my very dear friend's ex-husband took full advantage of her "baffled and confused" stage when she realized what was going on. better to go on auto-pilot from what those who have been thru it advise, than deal with the consequences (and regret) later.
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PaperAngel
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,365
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Oct 15, 2015 12:49:37 GMT
While I have no first hand experience & am not a divorce attorney, it appears your friend has been given a gift. Her (idiot) husband is showing off his affair in public with witnesses (perhaps your husband should offer to take their photo to celebrate their relationship), giving her a chance to inventory their assets, document inconsistencies (with text/email/photo evidence), & interview/hire the best attorney. Undoubtedly your friend is hurt & betrayed; please help her to channel those feelings into actions that protect her/children & her/their future...
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bunnylady
Junior Member
Posts: 55
Jun 25, 2014 23:22:48 GMT
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Post by bunnylady on Oct 15, 2015 12:59:04 GMT
I don't know what state she's in, but it doesn't seem like it matters anymore who cheated and who didn't. Before she wastes time trying to prove he cheated (to anyone besides herself, I mean), she needs to focus on the assets. You can have a lawyer draw up papers super fast that prevent him from doing anything at all with their joint accounts. Almost like freezing assets on a company. From my own experience, where my ex had hidden accounts all over the place, life insurance policies on me that I didn't know about, loans, credit cards (in my name with forged signatures)...she MUST get that straightened out first. Totally agree with moving sentimental things off-site. Men tend to get very vindictive when you finally catch on and kick their ass out. They blame YOU. ?? It's horrible, but I agree she's been given a gift. She knows, he doesn't (yet) know that she knows, so she has the upper hand. Plenty of time to cry later, but right now she needs to be very tactical and just GSD. I'm sorry for her. Also, good on your husband. That's exactly what mine has done in similar situations. He does not play that game.
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Post by katieanna on Oct 15, 2015 13:01:19 GMT
I am so sorry! Glad she has a great friend in you. This happened to one of my besties the week I had brain surgery. Boy was it awful timing as I could only offer her a listening ear. Last week 6 months after he left her for his professional wrestler girlfriend, he left his girlfriend and begged my bestie to come back to him and she took him back. I am not sure which made my head spin more the brain surgery or her taking him back. Hugs! Jen Oh, wow! Sometimes it's hard to let go when you're in that initial state of shock, confusion, hurt, and regret. If you can get past that stage and think clearly about it, you would know that your relationship is forever changed and there would always be that nagging doubt and distrust....and living with the fear of it happening again. No thanks. No man is worth it. I am so sorry for your friend, OP, but I think the peas have given great advice. She needs to "put the hurt on hold" so to speak (NOT an easy thing to do). But at this point, she really needs to think of herself and her children (if there are children). I pray that everything works out in her favor.
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Post by jenb72 on Oct 15, 2015 13:15:46 GMT
She knows, he doesn't (yet) know that she knows, so she has the upper hand. But probably not for long. If your DH confronted him, he probably already suspects it's only a matter of time before he tells you and then you tell her. She really needs to get on the ball and get these things done now. And I completely agree with everyone that has mentioned how ballsy it was for him to bring this woman to the car show knowing that there was a huge possibility your DH would be there. He obviously has no remorse or guilt over what he's doing, which makes him dangerous. Your friend is going to need your support. Be there for her and try to help her stay on task as I'm sure this will be emotional for her. Jen
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Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 1:33:10 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2015 13:35:09 GMT
>>I don't know what state she's in, but it doesn't seem like it matters anymore who cheated and who didn't.<<
This is definitely true in Maryland. It's a "50/50 no fault divorce" state here. And no matter what a a$$ a spouse is, no matter how reprehensible their behavior, as long as it isn't criminal? It doesn't matter in terms of the outcome of the divorce. A former coworker had a friend who went through this. Husband had an affair with coworker. Got found out when he got stuck in Mexico on a "business trip" when a hurricane stranded them there for a few extra days. He was also spotted by various friends out and about with the woman.
In the end, the woman had to accept 50/50 custody and a 50/50 split of their assets. She received no child support or alimony. She ended up having to sell the house to him (he found money to buy her half out). He moved his woman in and couldn't understand why the neighborhood essentially "shunned" him. This is a *very* close neighboorhood (about 20 houses total) that have get-togethers throughout the year. They could not believe he did this to his wife.
Her first step is to talk to a lawyer and find out what her rights are based on her location. Then go from there.
I'm so sorry for her.
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flute4peace
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,757
Jul 3, 2014 14:38:35 GMT
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Post by flute4peace on Oct 15, 2015 13:40:41 GMT
Everything listed above plus tell her to get checked for STDs. Be there for her for support. I'm sorry for your friend. I'm sorry for your friend and all that will affected by this. Cheating is NOT a solitary activity. The ripple effect is larger than the cheater can imagine. L AMEN to that!! My sister's husband cheated about 18 months ago, and it has destroyed their family (kids were 4 and 6mos at the time), my parents have both had physical problems due to stress and I'm sure my Mom needs ongoing counseling, my parents have spent most of their retirement on attorneys, court costs, counseling for the then-4-yr-old and for my sister. She had to quit her part-time job as their church secretary to take a higher-paying one just to be able to pay the bare necessities of her bills. Her son's daycare also was affected due to his outbursts & behavior issues (that ironically showed up just after dad moved out). Former BIL has called and harassed both daycares, pediatrician's office, counselor and child life specialist, and I'm sure it won't be long before he starts in on the kindergarten teacher or school office. My son, who was 17 at the time and was used as the "excuse" to not be home when she and the little boy were sick with the stomach flu (fBIL told her he was coming to DS's basketball game, called me and told me he couldn't come to the game because they were at home sick & they needed him to come home, then went & made out with his girlfriend in the car in the parking lot. He got busted when my sister texted 3 hours later asking if he was still at the game or on his way home) was devastated and furious. My daughters learned a life lesson that they were not ready to learn.
He has lost all of his former friendships due to his behavior, and I know that his family has also had some division, with some members not approving of what he did and trying to support my sister without rocking the boat too much. I'm sure his parents have also spent quite a bit of money on attorney fees.
I don't even know how it's affected the other woman's family, she was married at the time with a young daughter, is now divorced from her husband so that she can marry fBIL. Apparently this is not her first time around the block with this, either. But oh how she believes they were meant to be and how God sent him to her and yadayada.
My sister's response to that is God doesn't send you someone else's wife.
I didn't read through all of the responses before I posted, so sorry if the thread has taken a different turn. I'm so very sorry for your friend. It's completely devastating!
ETA: My sister is in a no-fault divorce state, as well. Which means that fBIL can whine before the judge (and he did) that he has to spend $400 a month in gas just to be able to see his children. And her attorney isn't allowed to point out WHY he spends $400 in gas to see his children (because he moved 45 minutes away from their home so that he could live near the girlfriend). It's ridiculous.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,218
Jun 26, 2014 0:09:18 GMT
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Post by Peamac on Oct 15, 2015 14:36:45 GMT
If her not-so-DH is still out of town, I'd go over to her house and help her get paperwork together- you know, the ducks in a row stuff. Help her get the locks changed, hubby's stuff packed up maybe?
ETA- Any chance you or another friend could drive the crappy car to the car show and get her good car back? Maybe your DH could switch nsdh's keys without him finding out.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,879
Aug 16, 2014 17:52:53 GMT
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Post by likescarrots on Oct 15, 2015 14:45:43 GMT
Wow, that took some serious balls to show up at an event where his friends would be with the woman he is cheating with. Sounds like he wanted to get caught, or he was not at all expecting your husband's reaction. I feel terribly for your friend.
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pudgygroundhog
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,643
Location: The Grand Canyon
Jun 25, 2014 20:18:39 GMT
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Post by pudgygroundhog on Oct 15, 2015 14:47:32 GMT
I'm sorry - how horrible for your friend. You've gotten good advice here. I think the best think you can do for her is be her rational, cool thinking friend while she experiences a lot of emotions. You can help her focus on logical steps of what needs to be done. I agree on moving quickly. He clearly has had time to plan and think about all this, so who knows what he will try to do with assets.
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tincin
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,368
Jul 25, 2014 4:55:32 GMT
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Post by tincin on Oct 15, 2015 16:00:40 GMT
Your DH is awesome.
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 15, 2015 16:18:19 GMT
That guy has some balls to go parading his mistress around his close friends. What an asshole. I have no advice other than to start interviewing every single good divorce lawyer in town. Once they talk to her they won't be able to take him on as a client (or so I've read. Is this true?).
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Post by stahija on Oct 15, 2015 16:48:51 GMT
I went through this with my best friend. The best advice I can give you is to be there for her. I made a point of having a standing yoga/dinner date with my friend every week. I and a few other friends encouraged and supported her through counseling. I tried not to bad mouth the cheating husband too much (mostly just agreed with my friend when she'd say something, although I had suspected him cheating on her for years). We mostly tried to keep her busy and keep her spirits up because she was feeling pretty bad about herself.
It's been about 2 years since it all went down. Her and her husband decided to work it out and are still together. That's where I'm glad I didn't bad mouth the husband too much. I still try to see her once a week, but I rarely ask about how her and her husband are doing anymore (mostly because my disgust for him is so great. He cheated with a really good friend of ours). But I do ask about how she's doing. Counseling really helped her open up about her feelings and emotions (she didn't prior to counseling). My husband and I have also made it a point to invite her and her husband to events because lots of people were not inviting them places since the cheating involved mutual friends. I think that has helped her greatly, because she was feeling very alone and like she'd lost all her/their friends.
I would say the best thing to do is to be there for your friend and support her in any way you can. Lots of couples try to work it out, which I think is really hard on the friends trying to support them. Remember that it's ultimately your friend's decision what she wants to do, even if you don't agree with it. It's tough. Good luck! (And hugs help!)
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Post by Lexica on Oct 15, 2015 18:39:58 GMT
I just want to stand and applaud your husband for his confrontation in front of the other woman. I wish this was the normal response from all friends and family members. No one should support cheaters in any fashion.
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Post by femalebusiness on Oct 15, 2015 19:06:22 GMT
I am sorry that your friend is going through this. I can't believe he was brazen enough to bring her to the car show with your DH there. What was he thinking? He's thinking that his friends will rat him out so he won't have to tell his wife. He no longer wants it to be a secret. He's done with the marriage.
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Post by kellybelly77 on Oct 15, 2015 19:06:20 GMT
The morning after my bff found out her dh was cheating I went to her house and employed all the Pea suggestions. I took her to the bank to set up her own account, rifled through her house to find all the important documents and helped her make counseling appts and a DR appt. I brought her a tub of ice cream and some trashy magazines and stayed the whole day with her.
In her case though, her dh confessed since the other woman's dh found out and was going to spill the beans. So she was blindsided by the late night confession.
They separated for a long time but eventually got back together. She was in counseling for a long time both by herself and with him. I am glad I never said anything bad about him because it would be awkward now. She has asked me several times if she made the right decision and all I ever say is that it is different for everyone, I don't have to live your life, you have to be able to make the decision on your own. And the fact that she still questions whether she made the right decision several years later, leads me to believe that she feels like she didn't. But I won't ever say that to her.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 15, 2015 22:47:35 GMT
Something up thread reminded me of this. Pull credit reports to see what accounts there are.
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