Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 15:36:59 GMT
I'll make this as short as possible.
My mom's going to be 67. I've been noticing over the past several months her memory seems to be slipping. I'm not necessarily thinking Alzheimer's, but I'm leaning towards she's getting a little older, and doesn't memory start to go a bit? What's happening though, she's becoming argumentative about things I'm not remembering as she remembers, and these are things I know are right. I'm not trying to make it right vs. wrong, and who's right, but she's just wrong.
Example 1: A couple of weeks ago she was getting quite upset when I mentioned I had motion sickness as a kid. I remember having to sit backwards in the car, sometimes with a bag in case I got sick. She said absolutely not, that was my sister (just want to state: I didn't grow up with my sister, we're half-sisters and weren't raised together). She's insisting I'm making my sister's experience as my own. No--I lived it, I know it. I sent my dad a text and he confirmed what I said.
Example 2: Last week she was arguing with me that I did NOT have Thanksgiving dinner at my house last year. I told her I did, and reminded her my uncle (her brother was here). It wasn't until I said I had pictures to show her that she backed off.
Example 3: We had a leak in our kitchen a year or so ago. We couldn't figure out where it came from, so we left the ceiling alone until we figured it out. A month or so ago it started leaking again, in the exact same spot, and we realized it was coming from an upstairs toilet. We cut the ceiling out and now have a 3x4 exposed ceiling. Someone's coming out today to give a quote. My mom then tells me I need to have him look and give a price to fix the original leak. I told her it's the same spot, and she said it's not. I tried telling her it was, and she actually yelled at me. Ummmm...I live here, I know where the leak was.
Those are the most recent examples. But what's happening is she's becoming very argumentative trying to say she's remembering right. No, I don't always remember things right, but it seems she's trying to convince herself she's not forgetting and getting angry when someone points out it's not right.
Should I just back off and let her keep on believing what she wants? Am I doing her any favors by doing that? Again, it's not a right vs. wrong rivalry, but dammit, I know that I went to Kauai, and her telling me I didn't isn't making her memory any better. (And yeah, that was another argument).
Thoughts?
|
|
|
|
Post by scrapqueen01 on Oct 16, 2015 15:46:33 GMT
Has anyone else in your family noticed this or just you? The reason I'm asking is because I've noticed my mother will tell me something on Friday and tell me again on Saturday. She too is becoming argumentative about stuff. However my mom is 85. I'm always afraid to ask my sisters if they have noticed this because sometimes that can be touchy with other family members if they don't believe it's an issue.
|
|
freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927 
|
Post by freebird on Oct 16, 2015 15:51:25 GMT
My grandma got this way, she had dementia. It slowly started in her 60's and got so much worse. She'd get my mom so upset but I kept telling my mom to just let it go because 10 min later she wouldn't even remember the conversation. She would say terrible things like my mom was stealing from her, etc. It was hard for mom to not take it personally. She finally had to go to a nursing home in her early 80's. Personally I thought she needed to be there sooner as I didn't feel like she was getting enough care.
Anyway, I'm sorry you have to go through it. I would say to deal with it, just say "Oh, ok thanks mom" a lot and just do what you were going to do in the first place. It takes 2 to argue, and the one that's going to get the most stressed about it is you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 15:53:06 GMT
Just back off unless her memory is going to be a "jail or not jail" someone else.
You aren't going to make her memory better by arguing about what she doesn't remember. All it is doing is creating a lot of memories for YOU about her last years being so argumentative. And, yes, I am starting down this path with my own mom and HER mom too.
Unless it is something that is going to involve her in spending a lot of money, creating adverse health issues, death or jail unnecessarily it isn't worth the stressed out emotions on everyone.
I just let it go and change the subject.
|
|
|
|
Post by lostwithout2peas on Oct 16, 2015 15:53:42 GMT
I have a 70 year old mother and she doesn't remember things differently. She remembers things just as we all do. This would be a cause for concern especially with how young she is. And with things that happened so recently? Within the last year? This would definitely be a big red flag for me.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 16:02:13 GMT
I'm not aware of anyone else noticing, but she's not close with my sister, and neither am I. So I'm not sure there's enough contact between the two of them for my sister to even notice.
Thanks for the suggestions to just step back and let her be. You're right, I'm not helping her memory to improve by pointing out she's not remembering things right. I think she's probably struggling with this, and fighting it's happening, even if just a little bit right now.
It does make me concerned about what the future holds.
|
|
MerryMom
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,539
|
Post by MerryMom on Oct 16, 2015 16:11:49 GMT
Keep in mind that you probably have a more specific memory of some of these activities as they are about you (you had car sickness, you hosted the Thanksgiving, it's your roof leak, etc.).
For your mother, she is one removed from the experience, it's all about context. She didn't get car sick, she didn't host the Thanksgiving. It's not her leak. For example, your mother has been to how many Thanksgiving dinners in her lifetime? I would imagine that your mother can relate incidents from when you and your siblings were children that are TRUE, but you have a different recollection because they aren't a first hand experience for you.
I want to say up front that I have had some arguments about non-important items with my mom, but why argue about car sickness when you were a child? Why is it so important to you that she concurs with how you remember or experienced it? Every day, we let things slide when others don't remember things the same way, but when it comes to family, it gets intense. I only say that because I am guilty of it as well--trying to work on that.
There are changes to memory as we age that are not dementia or Alzheimer's: just like our eyes age and we need reading glasses.
|
|
|
|
Post by stampnscrap1128 on Oct 16, 2015 16:20:55 GMT
Is she on any medications? Sometimes medications interact in weird ways. Especially check if her prescriptions are coming from different doctors and being filled at different pharmacies.
|
|
|
|
Post by manomo on Oct 16, 2015 16:45:24 GMT
Has she been argumentative typically? If this differs from her usual personality you could be looking at a second symptom of dementia. I ask because memory loss and a change in personality were the first two symptoms we noticed in my mom.
My advice is to have her see her doctor, the sooner the better. There are other reasons for memory loss besides Alzheimer's disease...thyroid problems and vitamin deficiencies come to mind. If it is something besides dementia, it can be reversed with treatment. If it is dementia, the earlier the diagnosis, the better.
As far as your reaction to your mom goes (if it is dementia), I got some excellent advice from the caregivers in my mom's care center. They told me to enter her world instead of trying to make her enter mine. I was never going to fix her memory. Trying to make her remember only brought on more anxiety and made her more upset. It was worth me being frustrated to give her some peace of mind.
Good luck to you and your mom.
|
|
akathy
What's For Dinner?
Still peaing from Podunk!
Posts: 4,546
Location: North Dakota
Jun 25, 2014 22:56:55 GMT
|
Post by akathy on Oct 16, 2015 18:04:47 GMT
Keep in mind that you probably have a more specific memory of some of these activities as they are about you (you had car sickness, you hosted the Thanksgiving, it's your roof leak, etc.). For your mother, she is one removed from the experience, it's all about context. She didn't get car sick, she didn't host the Thanksgiving. It's not her leak. For example, your mother has been to how many Thanksgiving dinners in her lifetime? I would imagine that your mother can relate incidents from when you and your siblings were children that are TRUE, but you have a different recollection because they aren't a first hand experience for you. I want to say up front that I have had some arguments about non-important items with my mom, but why argue about car sickness when you were a child? Why is it so important to you that she concurs with how you remember or experienced it? Every day, we let things slide when others don't remember things the same way, but when it comes to family, it gets intense. I only say that because I am guilty of it as well--trying to work on that. There are changes to memory as we age that are not dementia or Alzheimer's: just like our eyes age and we need reading glasses. This is so true. I'm living it with my 89 year old mother and finding myself misremembering things as well. It's really hard not to correct them but it's not worth arguing over either. |
|
|
|
Post by Basket1lady on Oct 16, 2015 18:07:13 GMT
Has she been argumentative typically? If this differs from her usual personality you could be looking at a second symptom of dementia. I ask because memory loss and a change in personality were the first two symptoms we noticed in my mom. My advice is to have her see her doctor, the sooner the better. There are other reasons for memory loss besides Alzheimer's disease...thyroid problems and vitamin deficiencies come to mind. If it is something besides dementia, it can be reversed with treatment. If it is dementia, the earlier the diagnosis, the better. As far as your reaction to your mom goes (if it is dementia), I got some excellent advice from the caregivers in my mom's care center. They told me to enter her world instead of trying to make her enter mine. I was never going to fix her memory. Trying to make her remember only brought on more anxiety and made her more upset. It was worth me being frustrated to give her some peace of mind. Good luck to you and your mom. I agree completely here. It could be as simple as a UTI. Those affect seniors quite strongly. My MIL has a form of dementia related to Parkinson's. Her mother had it, and there is a strong family connection to both Parkinson's and memory loss. She sought help early on. She was part of a study at the University of Utah and they included my DH (only biological child) in the study. But the big thing is that there are medications out there to slow memory loss. My MIL has a patch that is changed out every 3 days. She's been on one memory loss medication or another for about 15 years now. She is in her 80s and still lives at home with my FIL there for support. She still has her same personality and you can converse with her. She will repeat herself, but then correct herself and say that she already said that. I notice her repeating herself more later in the day, which is also common for people with memory loss. She writes a lot of things down and has a clock that tells her what day of the week it is. If her routine changes, she is stressed, or not rested, you will notice a decline in her cognition. One of the most basic tests is to tell her 3 unrelated things at the beginning of a conversation. Comb, stove, kitten. After a 10-15 minute conversation, can she repeat those same 3 things back? |
|
|
|
Post by leftturnonly on Oct 16, 2015 18:23:42 GMT
Should I just back off and let her keep on believing what she wants? Let's turn that question around and ask what the benefit is to forcing her to admit she's wrong? If this is something new, I'd talk to your dad about her medical condition. |
|
|
|
Post by 950nancy on Oct 16, 2015 18:42:21 GMT
If it wasn't important, I would just find a nice way to agree to disagree. Use a phrase that tells her you aren't going to argue anymore. Even if you are right, I would imagine you are going to start stressing her out that her memory is going. Now I say this but I know I like to be right too. Even though the events you listed weren't important, they are actually easily provable. Find someone you can vent to and I would start writing some things down. If she has dementia or anything medical, the more information you have with a timeline of issues (not the actual argument) will be of great value.
My husban'd's mother would do this and he would just pat her arm and tell it was okay if they didn't remember things the same. She honestly thought she was right on these things.
|
|
|
|
Post by scrapmaven on Oct 16, 2015 18:56:41 GMT
Memory loss can be a product of minor stuff, med side effects or dementia. Either way I think I would take your mom to the doctor and have it checked. My fil's neurologist diagnosed dementia in his office w/some basic mind tests that took 45 minutes. Forgetting things is frustrating and confusing and belligerence can be a sign of dementia. It can also be that she is fine and remembering things differently and is convinced of it. One of my malnourishment issues is poor short term memory. I get so annoyed when my family corrects me and then I start snapping at everyone. However, long term memory is perfect. So, I understand that frustration. Your mom is likely not malnourished, but that is my example. This warrants a medical evaluation. If her memory is not an issue then you can breathe a sigh of relief. However, if it is something that needs attention it's best addressed early, so that they can slow it down if possible. Don't ignore your gut feeling. The trick is to get your mom to agree to see the doctor w/you. You might have to bargain w/her. If you'll do this for me I'll take you to your favorite lunch spot or I'll tend to something in your garden that has been daunting...you get the idea. Good luck and I'll think no-big-deal thoughts.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 19:37:57 GMT
Keep in mind that you probably have a more specific memory of some of these activities as they are about you (you had car sickness, you hosted the Thanksgiving, it's your roof leak, etc.). For your mother, she is one removed from the experience, it's all about context. She didn't get car sick, she didn't host the Thanksgiving. It's not her leak. For example, your mother has been to how many Thanksgiving dinners in her lifetime? I would imagine that your mother can relate incidents from when you and your siblings were children that are TRUE, but you have a different recollection because they aren't a first hand experience for you. I want to say up front that I have had some arguments about non-important items with my mom, but why argue about car sickness when you were a child? Why is it so important to you that she concurs with how you remember or experienced it? Every day, we let things slide when others don't remember things the same way, but when it comes to family, it gets intense. I only say that because I am guilty of it as well--trying to work on that. There are changes to memory as we age that are not dementia or Alzheimer's: just like our eyes age and we need reading glasses. It's not important that she concurs with my experience. She was argumentative with me when I said I had motion sickness as a kid, and she snipped no, I didn't, it was my sister. And that's when she started saying I was taking my sister's experience and making it my own. When I say she snips, she'll raise her voice and say, "NO Natalie...you didn't have motion sickness." Let's turn that question around and ask what the benefit is to forcing her to admit she's wrong? If this is something new, I'd talk to your dad about her medical condition. I agree with this. I might have said this originally, it's not who is right or wrong. I'm getting this sense she's suspecting her memory might be going a bit, and she's pushing the issue. Trust me...me having motion sickness and making her remember it vividly isn't my point; it's her insisting I'm making it up because she can't remember it. It's her insisting I didn't have Thanksgiving, and getting mad about me not remembering it like she says, that's the problem. I also understand not everybody remembers everything like I said above. This seems to be a newer thing with her, and maybe more frequently, which is making me wonder what's going on. |
|
|
|
Post by mikklynn on Oct 16, 2015 20:08:45 GMT
Has she been argumentative typically? If this differs from her usual personality you could be looking at a second symptom of dementia. I ask because memory loss and a change in personality were the first two symptoms we noticed in my mom. My advice is to have her see her doctor, the sooner the better. There are other reasons for memory loss besides Alzheimer's disease...thyroid problems and vitamin deficiencies come to mind. If it is something besides dementia, it can be reversed with treatment. If it is dementia, the earlier the diagnosis, the better. As far as your reaction to your mom goes (if it is dementia), I got some excellent advice from the caregivers in my mom's care center. They told me to enter her world instead of trying to make her enter mine. I was never going to fix her memory. Trying to make her remember only brought on more anxiety and made her more upset. It was worth me being frustrated to give her some peace of mind. Good luck to you and your mom. I completely agree. I would NOT ignore this.
My mother has been diagnosed with some short term memory issues. I also believe a big part of my mother's problem is her hearing loss. My dad tells her things, but she doesn't hear them, so can't possibly remember!
|
|
|
|
Post by Scrapper100 on Oct 16, 2015 20:13:46 GMT
Sorry this is happening it is do not fun. It sounds like you are going to let it go which will help you in the long run.
Stupid question but does she get more argumentative latter in the day but fine earlier. This happened to my hubby's grandmother she had memory issues all the time as she was older but later in the day she would get downright mean and nasty turns out she had sundowners. Like I said she was older and it got really bad at the end when she was sick. They gave her meds and it seemed to help a bit.
Good luck and hugs. It is hard and unless you live it you have no idea.
|
|
|
|
Post by Scrapper100 on Oct 16, 2015 20:16:49 GMT
I should say yes get her to the doctor but if the doc already knows and if there isn't anything they can do then ignore if possible. You have relieved lots of good advice on things to look for it have checked. It's been more than 20 years when I dealt with this and my grandfather. Hubby's grandmother was this summer but she was in the hospital so the doctors obviously knew what was going on.
|
|
|
|
Post by Scrapper100 on Oct 16, 2015 20:19:49 GMT
I bet most of us have stories. Thinking that you took something of theirs is common. My grandfather called the police on us because we were poisoning him --- with fish. Lol. The police were wonderful and very respectful as soon as they figured out what was going on. I think it is mostly s feeling of s loss of control and being confused.
|
|
MDscrapaholic
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,377
Location: Down by the bay....
Jun 25, 2014 20:49:07 GMT
|
Post by MDscrapaholic on Oct 16, 2015 20:26:57 GMT
My Mom had dementia and it started out slowly. We found that something as simple as a UTI could greatly affect her memory and her attitude. We took her to a neurologist and he said she did not have Alzheimer's, that she was just experiencing normal memory loss as she got older. We put her on Aricept and it helped so much!! But, there are so many things that can cause confusion in the elderly that many times the memory loss was the first sign we knew that something else was wrong (UTI, depression, hunger). My Mom's disposition was always good though, she only argued with me when she wanted to prove a point.
It's tough going through this. Sometimes you just have to pick your battles and let her win. I would get her tested by a neurologist though, because there's so much they can do for her now, rather than wait until it's much worse.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 20:29:46 GMT
Another " get her to the dr." Not normal.
|
|
|
|
Post by gypsymama on Oct 16, 2015 20:45:41 GMT
i agree on the doctor and was going to bring up the UTI thing as well. my dh is only 53 but has a lot of hearing loss and he acts like he hears or is listening (two VERY different things with this man!) and then later has no clue and it annoys the hell out of me... i feel like he's really starting to forget a lot but more likely that he never heard me to start with
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 21:08:04 GMT
Thanks for sharing your stories and your advice. I'm gonna just try to take note, and file it in my head, for now. If it appears to be getting worse, I'll have a talk with her about talking to her doctor.  |
|
scrappinwithoutpeas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,914
Location: Northern Virginia
|
Post by scrappinwithoutpeas on Oct 16, 2015 22:10:19 GMT
I would add one more thing to the excellent advice that many peas have already shared. I would keep a journal and jot these things down with the date you noticed them. That way you have some "talking points" when/if you talk to her doctor. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.
|
|
RedSquirrelUK
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,744
Location: The UK's beautiful West Country
|
Post by RedSquirrelUK on Oct 16, 2015 22:31:32 GMT
My mother is 80 and I've noticed this argumentative kind of thing, as well as repeating herself, over the past few years. It comes and goes with her, and coincides with what later turns out to be physical problems. For example, she had a chronic sinusitis for a couple of years and I got to know that when it was bad she'd get more argumentative and forgetful.
Also as people get older, their guts work less efficiently, meaning that even if they are eating healthily, they don't absorb the nutrients as well which leads to malnourishment and confusion. UTIs have already been mentioned, and another big cause of confusion is dehydration. As we age, the messages from the bladder to the brain slow down. So not only do they get less warning, but bladder control reduces and it takes longer to get to the toilet. All those things combined often means that they reduce the amount of fluid they drink because they're worried about having an accident. It's tough, but they really do need to drink enough fluid. Just a few more things to consider.
As for how to handle it, yes, pick your battles. But above all, keep notes about when you notice her memory problems. When you do go to the doctor, a time-line along with any other health observations will be really useful for them to diagnose whether it's a mental or physical health issue, and what can be done about it.
I'm sorry. I've been there and it's a horrible stuck-in-the-middle situation to be put in. Hugs to you both.
|
|
|
|
Post by zztop11 on Oct 16, 2015 22:39:27 GMT
Just back off unless her memory is going to be a "jail or not jail" someone else. You aren't going to make her memory better by arguing about what she doesn't remember. All it is doing is creating a lot of memories for YOU about her last years being so argumentative. And, yes, I am starting down this path with my own mom and HER mom too. Unless it is something that is going to involve her in spending a lot of money, creating adverse health issues, death or jail unnecessarily it isn't worth the stressed out emotions on everyone. I just let it go and change the subject. "...her last years". Gee whiz. She is only in her 60s. She may live another 25 years. |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 20, 2024 0:15:13 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Oct 16, 2015 23:14:35 GMT
Just back off unless her memory is going to be a "jail or not jail" someone else. You aren't going to make her memory better by arguing about what she doesn't remember. All it is doing is creating a lot of memories for YOU about her last years being so argumentative. And, yes, I am starting down this path with my own mom and HER mom too. Unless it is something that is going to involve her in spending a lot of money, creating adverse health issues, death or jail unnecessarily it isn't worth the stressed out emotions on everyone. I just let it go and change the subject. "...her last years". Gee whiz. She is only in her 60s. She may live another 25 years. last years can be 25... does the op really want 25 years of argumentative memories? The fact she is showing signs of memory decline and behavior changes indicates she isn't a strong candidate for a life extended into her 90s. Reality is even relatively young people in their mid 60s die of natural causes. Like it or not, 67 is not young adulthood like 23. |
|
|
|
Post by Delta Dawn on Oct 16, 2015 23:33:13 GMT
Welcome to my world. It sounds very familiar and my mom's memory loss started about 5 years ago. She started forgetting simple things, people's names, concepts, one thing at a time. She didn't go into full blown dementia all at once. It was a cumulative effect.
We were told there is medication you can take for it but
a) it has awful side effects the doctor told us and
b ) you won't know for 6 months if it is working or not. It doesn't reverse damage but slows down the degeneration of memory.
Yeah. I am sorry.
|
|
|
|
Post by bc2ca on Oct 17, 2015 1:07:57 GMT
I would add one more thing to the excellent advice that many peas have already shared. I would keep a journal and jot these things down with the date you noticed them. That way you have some "talking points" when/if you talk to her doctor. Better to have it and not need it than the other way around.  Having specific examples of memory lapses and a timeline was really helpful in finally getting my mom diagnosed. |
|
Having specific examples of memory lapses and a timeline was really helpful in finally getting my mom diagnosed.