momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,156
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Oct 17, 2015 13:53:12 GMT
Another pea with Christmas on the mind this morning! I want opinions on the grandparents and their gift giving habits. My only experience was that my grandparents gifted money on holidays, decent amount, but my parents always gave a more substantial gift.
So now my parents are the grandparents and from day 1 they have overdone it in my opinion! Always bought big items, think battery operated ride on vehicles, ipods, etc. If i've tried to discuss Grandma just insists on spoiling them. At one point she was asking for their lists on Thanksgiving, then taking a copy and buying stuff off of it - like the big items. So when i'd go to shop the big items were taken and on Christmas morning Santa didn't bring the good stuff, Grandparents did later. btw she was asking kids for the list and they of course would just give it to her.
Anyway they are all older teens, early 20's now. They don't want for much because they work, etc. Grandma hasn't changed her ways any, but now gives cash gifts because buying for them is too difficult. They barely come up with items they want for Christmas these days. Birthdays are the same, in fact it's more obvious now on birthdays that Grandparents are giving way more than we (parents) are. Christmas I do spend more on them than they do.
So on a birthday, depending on their wants/needs, I give them a gift or cash (or combo.) I have a range, which I think is a decent amount (she doesn't know my range.) Her range is more and she writes checks for $100 more than my gift value. It's excessive in my opinion even when you don't compare it to my gift. I spoken to them about it and they just don't care - they use the we want to spoil them! If I say I don't like it because I don't give that much she just tells me I give throughout the year supporting them.
Anyway holidays are coming and i've been thinking about it and wondered what others think of the situation. Do your kids grandparents give more than you/Santa? How about growing up? I feel like it's very odd, but have limited experiences with it. Most grandparents I know give less than the parents. I'm thinking this morning this will just continue to snowball as we could potentially have grandchildren within a few years and they'd still be doing the same. I would give a reasonable gift, they'd give more...
I think when I have grandchildren that I should be taking cues from their parents and their parents would likely want to be the ones providing the big stuff in that they'd want to be making a bigger deal of their children and being the bigger deal in their kids eyes.
So am I totally off base? Opinions?
Editing to add: Thanks for the responses so far...they are helpful. At this point with cash gifts going on a lot of the time is where the comparisons on my part are coming in - now it's more obvious who's giving what.
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grinningcat
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,663
Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Oct 17, 2015 14:01:07 GMT
I don't think you're totally off base but I do think you're totally overthinking it by comparing each gift and gift amount. If they can afford to give it, what's the big deal? Grandparents are supposed to spoil their kids. So what if it's more than the parents? I would be so offended as a grandparent to have my child tell me to stop being so generous because it makes them uncomfortable or look bad. It just sounds ungrateful and would make me wonder why people prefer that others be cheap and miserly. Would you prefer that they just buy each kid a pair of socks? I don't really understand why someone being generous is such a bad thing.
My parents and my ILs are very generous to their kids and grandkids. My grandparents and my FH's grandparents are very generous. That's what grandparents do. *shrug*
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,086
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Oct 17, 2015 14:02:36 GMT
One of the many joys of being a grandparent is to spoil the younger generation. Please don't make it into a competition. The grandparents are probably of the mindset that they would rather see their grandchildren getting special stuff or $$ so the grandparents can see the grandchildren have fun, do something special while the grandparents are around to see this happen.
My parents did agree to give modest gifts for birthdays & Christmas, but every 2 years, all the cousins + me & my sister & my parents would spend a week at Disney World. The enjoyment that this gave everyone far surpassed any toy that could have been given at Christmas.
It is their money to spend. You are busy spending your money helping out with school, tuition, and other things. Your kids know that it isn't a competition. It is for you to understand that it isn't a competition.
Enjoy the Christmas season. It is not all about gifts, toys & money. It is about love, kindness and family time.
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valleyview
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,816
Jun 27, 2014 18:41:26 GMT
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Post by valleyview on Oct 17, 2015 14:04:36 GMT
Relax about it. When my kids were born, one grandmother always wanted to give the biggest gift. It made me feel weirdly competitive and territorial, but then I realized that it just doesn't matter. The kids know who tries to find something unique to them.
At your kids' ages, they should be appreciating relationships, not the gifts. And you need to feel confident that your kids do not judge your role in their lives based on gifts.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:09:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 14:07:41 GMT
We never "did" Santa with our children growing up so we did not have your issue of explaining why Santa did not "bring the good stuff". However, we did and still do have grandparents that buy A LOT more than us for the children (early 20's as well). I know I can never match their budget, honestly, they spend more on one grandchild (they have 8) than I do on ALL OF CHRISTMAS, so I put my effort into finding the most unique and thoughtful gifts. I search high and low on the internet for the PERFECT gifts. I have ordered things from other countries, have had custom things made from artists and crafters on Etsy, etc..etc.. I have checked online several times a day for a sold out item that Grandma can't find to come available again. When they were younger, I would wait for sales and even bought over night stays at an indoor water park. The bottom line, I could never match or do more than the grandparents on quantity, so I put my focus on QUALITY.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:09:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 14:09:58 GMT
When my kids were growing up my parents "out did" us on the gift giving because they could afford to. It never ever occured to me to be sad, frustrated, concerned or any other negative emotion over it. I was thrilled the grandparents could give the gifts we couldn't give. In our house santa was always a mythical/story character so what he brought/didn't bring wasn't an issue.
Give what you want to give/can afford to give and stop comparing. You'll be happier in the long run.
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Post by pierkiss on Oct 17, 2015 14:17:20 GMT
My parents are very similar to your parents when it comes to the grands. But, mine are younger. And my mother looooooves Christmas and giving each kid a big pile of things to open. We tried to curb it the first Christmas w our daughter and she basically blew us off.  So, I learned to figure out what we want to give and what Santa will bring before handing out lists to anyone else. That took care of that problem. Also, it helps that my mom will at least respect me when I say "no, we or Santa are giving that gift". She will just ask for different ideas. I really wouldn't go to far in asking he grandparents to change their gift giving habits. I just remind myself that hey are doing it out of love, and at least in my case, these are the only grandchildren they will probably have. He kids love it, and the grandparents LOOOVE seeing their happy little faces. |
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 17, 2015 14:33:24 GMT
I actually loved that my kids' grandparents were able to give them things I couldnt. My kids never wanted for anything because their grandparents would give them things.
Neither grandma would have ever tried to steal Santa's thunder, but when the kids wanted a wii or an Xbox, my mil bought it for them.
They got other super cool stuff from Santa and us.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:09:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 14:42:17 GMT
I'm a grandparent and I never give presents that outshine either Santa's gift or the parents' gifts.
I do ask the grandchildren what they want but always run what I ultimately give past the parents first. Last year was the first time I gave $ at Christmas, and then only to the older teens as they've become much harder to shop for. I gave them the amount I would have spent, which wasn't an excessive amount. Again, I ran that past the parents also.
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Post by heartcat on Oct 17, 2015 14:45:49 GMT
I wouldn't have an issue with my parents, or my in-laws, spending more on our children than we did. Especially not once they were older and late teens or young adults. People gift what they can afford. If someone can afford to gift someone else something more than I can or want to gift them, I would not want them to receive less from someone because it made 'me' feel better.
The only thing I would have had an issue with as a parent of young children would be grandparents gifting a child something that I had planned on being their 'Santa' gift. That tradition was very special to me as a child and very important to me to continue as a parent. There are only a few short years that a child 'believes' and I wanted to preserve that.
I would have been upfront with my parents or in-laws if there was a chance they'd be duplicating a gift and let them know that we were going to purchase X as a Santa gift. If they then insisted on buying the same thing, their gift would be given 'after' Santa came, redundant, and their own fault.
But if they wanted to gift something else extravagant, I'd have no problem with that. Santa gifts weren't always the biggest or most expensive gift anyways, they were the 'most wanted' gifts on a child's list.
Gift giving isn't a competition and I agree that what a parent gives and does for their child is so much more than a single gift giving event. If a grandparent, or someone else, has the financial means and desire to 'spoil' my kids, and it brings that person pleasure as well, that's great as far as I'm concerned.
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eleezybeth
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,784
Jun 28, 2014 20:42:01 GMT
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Post by eleezybeth on Oct 17, 2015 14:46:29 GMT
We have a grandpa who will not be told no. He is beyond generous. I control him by controlling the lists. He is also very respectful that I'm the boss. My kids know the rule, he knows the rule. It might seem controlling but I'm not going to let him waste his money on something we can't use/have/ keep. It has evolved to me basically doing all the shopping via the Internet and sending him the lists. He pretends to pick and choose but gets a huge kick out of buying everything. Took me awhile to learn that if I give him choices he buys it all. Now I know... And we laugh. It brings him such joy and I'm not going to get into that kind of competition over what Disney princess we all buy.
On the other hand, we have MIL who sends $5 and a tshirt with the clearance tags still on. It is just her way. She doesn't care what she sends.
My kids accept both as that's just who they are!
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Post by littlemama on Oct 17, 2015 16:04:02 GMT
My MIL used to be one of those who thought she was entitled to give (or ruin) the biggest gift. The year we got him a Nintendo DS, which he had no idea about, she gave him a package of DS styluses- on Christmas Eve. From that point forward, we never again told her what his big requests were-she wouldn't have bought it, but she would have ruined it.
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Post by freecharlie on Oct 17, 2015 20:59:58 GMT
My MIL used to be one of those who thought she was entitled to give (or ruin) the biggest gift. The year we got him a Nintendo DS, which he had no idea about, she gave him a package of DS styluses- on Christmas Eve. From that point forward, we never again told her what his big requests were-she wouldn't have bought it, but she would have ruined it. see, now that would pissed me off. We had one year where we bought the boys DS and each grandparent forgot a gift at home. The next time the boys saw their grandparent, there was a ds game waiting. |
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Post by 950nancy on Oct 17, 2015 21:04:13 GMT
My grandma gave us $5 for Christmas. I know not what you speak of.
My parents always bought my kids maybe three or four fun or practical gifts and then gave the kids a couple hundred in savings bonds.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Oct 17, 2015 21:10:53 GMT
From a parent's perspective, I can see where excessive gifting (especially for younger kids) could be problematic. When we lived in our old house we had a serious lack of space so if someone wanted to give our kid a bunch of big things, that wasn't going to work because we had nowhere to use or store stuff like that.
My other problem with it is when a bunch of money is spent on things that the kid will barely use before getting sick of them or outgrowing them. It really adds up to a lot of money that could have been put toward the kid's education later where it would benefit them a lot more. It's not and never will be an issue with my kid because all of her grandparents are gone. If someone did feel inclined to give my kid an expensive gift, I would much rather it be in the form of music, dance, karate or skating lessons, art classes or some other beneficial developmental thing that my kid would enjoy instead.
As for giving a kid excessive cash gifts, I think it's kind of on the parents to help decide what happens with the money. If the parents just let the kids waste it all on a bunch of dumb stuff, then that's on them. If someone gave my kid a lot of money, I would make her put at least half of it in savings for something bigger down the road (a car, college, camp, etc.). Saving money and being financially responsible is one of those things that kids really need to learn early on in life. Delayed gratification isn't an easy thing to learn once you're older and you're used to getting everything you want the minute you want it.
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peaname
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,390 
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Post by peaname on Oct 17, 2015 21:18:40 GMT
You just can't dictate someone else's gift giving budget. Let it go.
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Post by carolynhasacat on Oct 17, 2015 21:22:38 GMT
ONe solution we've found is the 'family gift'. My parents will buy one big gift for our 'family', and then smaller individual gifts. Could you ask your folks for a family gift? Even it's primarily for the kids (XBOX, family bikes, tickets to a pricey show, camping gear, etc)?
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Post by littlemama on Oct 17, 2015 21:31:21 GMT
My MIL used to be one of those who thought she was entitled to give (or ruin) the biggest gift. The year we got him a Nintendo DS, which he had no idea about, she gave him a package of DS styluses- on Christmas Eve. From that point forward, we never again told her what his big requests were-she wouldn't have bought it, but she would have ruined it. see, now that would pissed me off. We had one year where we bought the boys DS and each grandparent forgot a gift at home. The next time the boys saw their grandparent, there was a ds game waiting. Oh, trust me, it pissed us off big time! We have also learned to only give her a list of things he would like, but not the things he really wants because there is only about a 25% chance that she will get him anything on the list. He is almost 18 now, and he knows exactly who she is, so I don't worry as much about it as I did when he was little. The kid never asks for anything, so at Christmas, when he does ask for things, I like for him to get them. |
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Aug 18, 2025 20:09:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Oct 17, 2015 21:39:31 GMT
My son is little, but the big gifts always come from the grandparents, because they have resources that we don't. For me, I love that they get and want to do that for him and I hope I can for his kids one day. It doesn't make me feel diminished or threatened. I am excited that he gets to have things that he would otherwise probably not have if it were just up to us.
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So, I learned to figure out what we want to give and what Santa will bring before handing out lists to anyone else. That took care of that problem. Also, it helps that my mom will at least respect me when I say "no, we or Santa are giving that gift". She will just ask for different ideas. 
