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Post by ScrappyJac on Nov 4, 2015 17:46:10 GMT
Any tips or advice? I am struggling with how to approach. My nieces are 7 & 9. I haven't had a relationship with my mother for the last 8 years. During their lives, I have always lived far from my hometown. So, we only get to visit once or twice per year. There isn't any real reason for my and my mother's paths to intersect. However, my mother has spent the past 8 years creating drama and my sister has let her. I know that conversations have happened in front of the kids, because of things the kids have said. Drama erupted with them after Christmas last year and the kids were used as pawns. During a conversation with my sister recently, she said the nieces had been questioning "why I don't talk to grandma". Her response was "I don't know. You will have to ask aunt." I was told that niece's response was "I am afraid aunt will be mad at me". So, I feel like I need to talk to the nieces while I am in town for Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, the other adults aren't putting their best interest first. Instead, they are getting put in the middle. I have done my best to side step the drama, in order to keep them out of it. However, that isn't happening, because the other side is taking the low road.
I know that I need to be very careful with my wording. I know kids views can be very black/white. I wouldn't want them to get the idea that if they do something "bad", I will stop talking to or loving them them. They also still have a relationship with the estranged family member. So, that makes it a little more difficult, because they don't need to hear negative talk about her. Anyone have any experience with this?
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:01:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2015 17:50:51 GMT
I think they are too young to put them in the middle of this.
I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation!
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Post by ScrappyJac on Nov 4, 2015 17:57:47 GMT
I think they are too young to put them in the middle of this. I'm sorry you're dealing with this situation! I absolutely agree. 100%. However, they are being put in the middle from the other side. Do I just say nothing? And continue doing my best to take the high road around them? ETA: The perception they are getting from this situation is a very skewed, inappropriate one. There are big reasons my mother is no longer a part of my life. My sister is allowing (and even participating in) these behaviors. I just don't want my lack of communication to cause further harm for the kids. I want them to know that they have a "safe" place. My priority is doing what is best for them. |
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Post by peatlejuice on Nov 4, 2015 18:01:21 GMT
Honestly, I wouldn't bring it up at all unless your nieces directly question you about it. If they do ask you, I'd tell them that it is between you and Grandma, and that it doesn't change the love you have for them (nieces).
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Post by cyndijane on Nov 4, 2015 18:02:48 GMT
I would say nothing for now. Just love on them when you see them. When they're older, they'll ask.
It's not a fun position to take, but honestly, you don't have to defend or explain your actions to children. You might look bad for a while to some people, and that's okay. Just reassure them that you love them, and that won't change. Grown up relationships are hard, sometimes.
Sorry you're having to deal with this.
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Post by bc2ca on Nov 4, 2015 18:08:11 GMT
Honestly, I think kids are able to handle limited information, especially if they are asking someone and if they have expressed concern that you will be mad. They don't need details, but acknowledge there is an estrangement and reassure them you don't expect them to take sides or try to fix whatever the disagreement is, that it is something between you and grandma.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Nov 4, 2015 18:08:58 GMT
IF they ask YOU. I would say some times grown ups don't get along just like kids don't sometimes get along.
Keep it simple and don't go into details.
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Post by lovinlife on Nov 4, 2015 18:12:24 GMT
From my experience kids even that young are smart and pick up that something is wrong either between words or actions. I wouldn't bring it up to them unless they ask about it. Personally if/when they do ask I wouldn't go into much detail just something simple like we are having a disagreement. jmho
Regardless good luck family arguments always affect more then the 2 people it starts with.
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Kerri W
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Posts: 3,836 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Nov 4, 2015 18:16:10 GMT
Handle it factually if THEY ask YOU. Don't go into detail about why. Just keep it simple and reiterate that you have a difference of opinion.
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lindas
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,488
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Post by lindas on Nov 4, 2015 18:19:04 GMT
Personally I'd talk to the girls. Let them know that you know they've been asking why you and their grandmom don't get along. I'd tell them it's a very personal issue between the two of you and you would rather not discuss it but make it clear it has nothing to do with how you feel about them. I'd also let them know that they don't need to be afraid to ask you anything, that you will always try to answer any questions they have if possible and that you love them and will always be there for them.
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RosieKat
Drama Llama
PeaJect #12
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Post by RosieKat on Nov 4, 2015 18:20:55 GMT
My kids are 7 and 9, so I'm trying to think what might make sense to them. "Just like kids don't always get along, grownups don't always get along, either. You know how you decided that you didn't like hanging out with ______ at school? Well, grandma and I are kind of like that. I still care about her very much (love her, whatever), but we just don't agree with each other on a lot of things."
I'd keep it very neutral, try to see if there's a similar situation among school friends, for example, that they might be able to relate to. No details, if asked, say "That's between me and grandma, and I know you love us both and I'd like it to stay that way." Or something like that.
And sometimes, when you just avoid it, the questions do legitimately go away. In other words, make sure it really does need addressing. And don't make it a big deal, just kind of matter-of-fact. I think that's how I'd approach it with my kids, at any rate.
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Post by shevy on Nov 4, 2015 18:29:49 GMT
Please reaffirm with them that you're not mad and they CAN talk to you about ANYTHING. Even if you/they don't bring this up, it will reinforce the relationship you have with them. I'm with Rosiekat. I'd say something about it being between you and your mom and no impact on the relationship with the kids. IF they persist, tell them that it's something between the two of you and you want it to remain that way, that's why you haven't brought it up.
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grinningcat
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Jun 26, 2014 13:06:35 GMT
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Post by grinningcat on Nov 4, 2015 18:33:10 GMT
IF they ask YOU. I would say some times grown ups don't get along just like kids don't sometimes get along. Keep it simple and don't go into details. I like this. I agree that they are too young to be involved but if they are being put there, a simple sentence may help. Of course, reiterating that it has nothing to do with them at all. |
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Deleted
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Aug 18, 2025 20:01:07 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2015 18:37:32 GMT
IF they ask YOU. I would say some times grown ups don't get along just like kids don't sometimes get along. Keep it simple and don't go into details. This is exactly what I would do. Simple is all they need right now. Kids don't need to be burdened with adult issues. I'm so sorry your mom and sister have allowed this to happen. |
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Post by jeremysgirl on Nov 4, 2015 18:37:38 GMT
I think RosieKat did the best explanation. I would go with what she said. And yes, I do think if the kids are asking questions, you need to address it. Kids are smart. They hear stuff and need their questions answered and reassurance given.
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Post by anniefb on Nov 4, 2015 18:50:29 GMT
IF they ask YOU. I would say some times grown ups don't get along just like kids don't sometimes get along. Keep it simple and don't go into details. Yeah that ^^ |
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Post by hdoublej on Nov 4, 2015 19:06:05 GMT
I agree with keeping your answer simple if asked. It's been my experience that as my kids have gotten older (now 17 and 14) they figure things out on their own. For the last couple of years there have been problems between my MIL, SIL and myself. I've tried to be as neutral as possible but my kids have seen and experienced (unfortunately) MIL and SIL's manipulative behavior and have decided for themselves that they want limited contact. I don't stand between their relationship with either MIL or SIL, I'm just there to pick up the pieces as they try to navigate their relationship. I've even been known to defend one of them to one of my kids if I think my kids have misinterpreted something and try to steer them in the right direction. I really want them to be able to have a good relationship with both MIL and SIL, despite the fact that we don't get along any longer. Sometimes, things are said that just can't be taken back. Sorry, I'm rambling. The best advice I can give is to be there for them as much as you can and let them know that you love them no matter what's going on in the adult relationships. Good luck, it's not easy!
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Post by ScrappyJac on Nov 4, 2015 19:58:55 GMT
Thank you all for the responses so far! I have appreciated reading the perspective on each one.
Honestly, I am just broken-hearted that the kids are being put in the position where this even has to be a question. And instead of my sister handling it in a way to cause less stress/grief for the kids, she is fanning the flame. It just isn't fair to them.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Nov 4, 2015 20:05:22 GMT
You're in a no win situation. If your sister is participating in the drama with your mother, the reality is your nieces are going to have a skewed view of you and/or the version of events surrounding you and your mother - at least until they're older. It doesn't matter what you say, and frankly the more you try and tell your side of the story, the more drama it will create. I think it's one thing if your sister wasn't participating in these "behaviors" Not sure exactly what you mean, and don't feel the need to go into details you're not comfortable with - but the absolute worst thing you can do with young kids is try and make them understand their parent is in the wrong. It really doesn't matter how bad the parental behavior is - children have an inherent desire to protect their parents and their relationship with their parents (if you're estranged from your mother, you know that it's a difficult path). Ultimately they will decide if you are the loving aunt you've always presented yourself to be, or the version that is being shared by others. At that age, the less said the better.
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Post by SnowWhite on Nov 4, 2015 20:06:39 GMT
Thank you all for the responses so far! I have appreciated reading the perspective on each one. Honestly, I am just broken-hearted that the kids are being put in the position where this even has to be a question. And instead of my sister handling it in a way to cause less stress/grief for the kids, she is fanning the flame. It just isn't fair to them. Well frankly, they're her children. If she wants to fuck them up, that's on her. My first thought when I read your OP was that your sister was being an asshole. Sorry, it's what I was thinking. I have *zero* relationship with my mother. My sister maintained a distanced by cordial relationship with her just for the sake of her children (which I wholeheartedly disagreed with, our mother is abusive, I would not subject my children to the same abuse that we were subjected to as children), but that was my sister's choice, not mine. Her children full well understand why the relationships are the way they are, because my sister told them, something age appropriate, when they needed to be told. Now that they're teenagers, they see our mother for the batshit insane woman that she is, and they keep their distance accordingly. I am a firm believer that you should not tolerate bad behavior _just_ because people are blood relatives. |
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Post by gmcwife1 on Nov 4, 2015 20:09:16 GMT
Thank you all for the responses so far! I have appreciated reading the perspective on each one. Honestly, I am just broken-hearted that the kids are being put in the position where this even has to be a question. And instead of my sister handling it in a way to cause less stress/grief for the kids, she is fanning the flame. It just isn't fair to them. All you can do is continue to hold your head high and not participate in it. I have two sisters that love drama. They go to each others houses, report their version of things they saw and it is on. I hate drama and just stay away from it. I don't participate, I don't support it and I don't encourage it. Because of that I also don't see my nieces and nephew as much as I'd like to. But they always want to come over to our house to visit or come home with us. Kids are smart, they will see who fans the flames and who doesn't. |
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tduby1
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Post by tduby1 on Nov 4, 2015 20:22:31 GMT
If you choose to speak with the girls I would verify with your sister that it is indeed ok with her and run by her what you are going to say. Her "you will have to ask aunt" may well have been a passive aggressive comment and she may not *really want that at all. Right or wrong they are her children. I would be very careful not to step on her toes.
In all the difficult family relationships I've been involved with it would have upset me if a family member approached my children to "tell their side" without fully discussing it with me first. Especially if I felt "their side" was designed to cause more drama. I am not saying that is what you want at all but I wouldn't give sis any room to interpet it that way.
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Post by scrapulous on Nov 4, 2015 20:32:31 GMT
I think since she told them to ask you, you don't need her permission to answer their question. Just be brief and don't share details, like has already been said.
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Post by **Angie** on Nov 4, 2015 20:51:26 GMT
IF they ask YOU. I would say some times grown ups don't get along just like kids don't sometimes get along. Keep it simple and don't go into details. This. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2015 20:53:45 GMT
As much as I feel for you, I think that because these are not your children, it's not up to you to explain anything.
It's not your place. If these were your children, you could talk to them about why you don't have a relationship with your mother until the cows come home. |
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