|
|
Post by mrssmith on Dec 2, 2015 22:26:45 GMT
Did something happen to him at school? Maybe he was being bullied or picked on? Were you able to talk after school?
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 17:53:07 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 22:29:21 GMT
My DS is gay. He didn't officially come out until he was 18 but we always suspected it so it wasn't a shock. We only wondered what took him so long!
Your son is the same person he's always been whether he's Bi or Straight and the best thing you can do for him is to love him unconditionally. We tried not to make a big deal of it and just told him that we loved him exactly the same and we only want him to be happy as his authentic self.
Hugs.. it's hard but be glad that he told you early and you can love and support him when he needs it!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 17:53:07 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 2, 2015 22:34:58 GMT
Continue to talk to him and show him your love. IMO, the best way for him to know this changes nothing is to let it change nothing between you. Talk when he needs to. Don't talk when he doesn't want to. Don't tell extended family without his permission. Be cognizant of the words you choose going forward (e.g. Is there anyone you like at school? vs Do you like any girls at school?) to avoid hetero-normative language. Be careful of things like "Why do you think you're bi?" as it implies he could be wrong. If you feel you need to ask something along those lines, perhaps, "How did you know you are bi?" (Though really, try not to ask. Did anyone ever ask you how you know you're straight? Even as an adult, the only way I could answer a question like that is, "I just am. I'm attracted to men.")
He's the same son he was before he told you. This doesn't really change anything. Take great heart in knowing that he trusts you enough to tell you.
|
|
|
|
Post by gramasue on Dec 2, 2015 22:37:27 GMT
Just keep letting him know that you love him no matter what. It shouldn't be this difficult for kids, but unfortunately, it is. One of my step-granddaughters 'came out' several years ago - she's 22 now, and I can honestly say it didn't change my feelings towards her in the least. She's still the same funny, sweet, hardworking girl she always was and that's all I care about.
|
|
|
|
Post by Flibbertigibbet on Dec 2, 2015 22:38:48 GMT
Being bi is incredibly popular with teens. It's about exploring their identity separate from gender assignments and societal interpretations of gender. I think it's awesome that he felt it was something to tell you. It means he trusts you and wants you to know how he feels. Not all parents have that relationship with their 12 year olds. Maybe it's a passing phase, maybe not. He's still the same person and he's starting to grow up.
|
|
|
|
Post by moveablefeast on Dec 2, 2015 22:41:39 GMT
Just some thoughts...
He absolutely can know that he is gay/bi/whatever at twelve. It is very common for people to know at this age, long before they have a significant enough understanding of what it all means. This is okay. His perception of himself may change over time, and he may use a variety of different words to describe himself over the years to come, and it's okay.
My advice is: Say okay. Say you are glad he trusts you enough to say this, and ask him what he feels it means for him, and then tell him you accept him and it doesn't change how you feel about him and you will always love him and you are on his side for keeps. That last one is what he really wants to hear from you, I would wager anything on that. You don't have to have all the answers, that one will cover most of his fears.
There are a number of moms on this board who have walked this path with their children, and others of us who have dealt directly with the question of sexual orientation ourselves. I am in the latter category and would be happy to tell you anything you want to know from that perspective.
|
|
|
|
Post by jackie on Dec 2, 2015 23:59:08 GMT
It is not uncommon at all anymore for adolescents to question and explore their sexual orientation. It's surprising and kind of wonderful how kids can feel so comfortable to do that. My ds came out to me when he was fourteen, just a few months shy of his 15th birthday. We had no clue. None. Once he came out, we talked about it and of course told him that we loved him no matter what and we would respect his desire for privacy--only letting people know as he was comfortable. I also made him an appointment to talk to someone, a therapist that was LGBT friendly making sure that we weren't sending him there to "fix" him. And the only reason we made the appointment is because the time leading up to him coming out, he was not himself at all. He seemed terribly depressed. It was scaring me. I was glad I did. She helped him work through a lot. And honestly, once he was out, it was like a weight had been lifted. Everything improved. Your ds is very lucky to have such a loving parent. My heart breaks for the kids whose parents turn their backs on them. My ds has enough friends where that was the case.  |
|
stittsygirl
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,579 
Location: In the leaves and rain.
|
Post by stittsygirl on Dec 3, 2015 0:07:40 GMT
I have a gay son, a bi daughter, and am bi myself. I wish someone had told me at 12 (or even 20) that it was OK to have the feelings I was having, and that they loved me unconditionally. You've received some excellent advice above, there's nothing more I can add. I did buy this book for both my kids. I read it first, then they did, and I think it really helped us all sort some stuff out. There are a lot more resources out there now for LGBTQ kids and their parents  . |
|
|
|
Post by anonrefugee on Dec 3, 2015 0:13:08 GMT
I wish you well, in the truest sense!
This isn't something I've dealt with as a parent but have watched with admiration as a friend supported her child, sending you many good vibes!
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
May 1, 2024 17:53:07 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Dec 3, 2015 0:50:49 GMT
Just some thoughts... He absolutely can know that he is gay/bi/whatever at twelve. It is very common for people to know at this age, long before they have a significant enough understanding of what it all means. This is okay. His perception of himself may change over time, and he may use a variety of different words to describe himself over the years to come, and it's okay. My advice is: Say okay. Say you are glad he trusts you enough to say this, and ask him what he feels it means for him, and then tell him you accept him and it doesn't change how you feel about him and you will always love him and you are on his side for keeps. That last one is what he really wants to hear from you, I would wager anything on that. You don't have to have all the answers, that one will cover most of his fears. There are a number of moms on this board who have walked this path with their children, and others of us who have dealt directly with the question of sexual orientation ourselves. I am in the latter category and would be happy to tell you anything you want to know from that perspective. This is excellent advice and perspective. |
|
|
|
Post by papercrafteradvocate on Dec 3, 2015 1:02:20 GMT
Continue to talk to him and show him your love. IMO, the best way for him to know this changes nothing is to let it change nothing between you. Talk when he needs to. Don't talk when he doesn't want to. Don't tell extended family without his permission. Be cognizant of the words you choose going forward (e.g. Is there anyone you like at school? vs Do you like any girls at school?) to avoid hetero-normative language. Be careful of things like "Why do you think you're bi?" as it implies he could be wrong. If you feel you need to ask something along those lines, perhaps, "How did you know you are bi?" (Though really, try not to ask. Did anyone ever ask you how you know you're straight? Even as an adult, the only way I could answer a question like that is, "I just am. I'm attracted to men.") He's the same son he was before he told you. This doesn't really change anything. Take great heart in knowing that he trusts you enough to tell you. I was just coming to say the same! He's the same as he was yesterday and the day before. |
|
|
|
Post by mom2rjcr on Dec 3, 2015 1:21:10 GMT
My 18 year old DS just came out to us in October. I have known for a while, but I let him lead the way. He had really struggled with depression for the last year. He was really worried about how we would feel. He said that finally telling us relieved a huge burden for him. We told him it didn't change how we felt about him at all. He is so much happier that he doesn't have to hide it anymore.
|
|
.
