Speaking of funerals. how much have you thought about yours?

That.

Where to go? I can go in with my dad's ashes in our beautiful old family plot near where family still lives. I can go in with my husband at his grave in a National Cemetery away from where my children live. I can use the lot bought for him as a child near his mother's grave in the middle of the country where no one lives.

It doesn't really matter to me now. I want my kids to do what they need to do.

My family traditionally has a viewing and then a funeral followed by a graveside service and a large fellowship with aN abundance of food. There are prayers and such but nothing overly religious. Jokes are told. People laugh and cry and hug and take a lot of photos so that it becomes a much needed family reunion.

My MIL HATED all that, so she was whisked away right after she died to be cremated, and then we had to wait to hear while her kids had decided when they would have a graveside service. It was summer vacation time and they took a couple of weeks before they let us know, so I had to wait around before leaving or risk missing it.

The whole thing was most unsettling. My son missed it and hasn't really forgiven himself for not coming to a family gathering we were only told about after the short service at graveside. He lives 12 hours away and wasn't well and couldn't leave work to come that far just to wait for whatever.

Something I hope all you "I hate funeral fuss" will consider. You may very well be leaving family and friends behind that are left without a way to vent their grief.

I want as little money spent as humanly possible. I want to be cremated and then have my ashes scattered at one of the waterfalls along the McKenzie river up in Oregon. If the Oregon Duck mascot was to show up, that'd be awesome, but beyond that I don't want a big fuss made.

I'm firmly in the funeral/service/party are for the living. I do want to caution those of you who are adamant about "nothing", it might be kinder to emphasize that your loved ones shouldn't hold any funeral or service for YOU. My FIL was extremely vocal that he did not want ANYTHING - no funeral, no obituary, no one gathering "to cry over him." My MIL adhered to his wishes to the point of encouraging my son to go to his baseball game the day his grandfather died. I'll be honest. It was really unhealthy. My kids were sad. It's okay to be sad when someone you love dies. We ended up doing a few things as a family to acknowledge my FIL and celebrate the happy memories we had with him. And yes while there were some tears, there was also a lot of laughter. It helped all of us - but particularly my kids - process their grief.

So long as there is no religious, and especially no catholic input, I don't much care. A friend of mine does Humanist services. I might give her the job.

I have given zero thought to my funeral other than my kids & DH know I want to be cremated (ETA after any usable parts are donated).

When my mom went into a care home (dementia), we were required to make arrangements for her dispostion so I helped my dad pick a mortuary and he has prepaid the basics for both their cremations. Anything else we choose to do servicewise is up to us.

I told my younger brother that when I die, I want all of my 7 siblings to sing "For Good" from the musical Wicked. For those that aren't familiar with the song, it talks about how a person's life was changed by meeting someone, not necessarily for the better, but for good. As an atheist, I feel like the only life after death is the permanent influence I leave on others, so it's appropriate for me.

He told me they'd sing "No One Mourns the Wicked" instead. (Also from Wicked.)

Punk.

For for the other stuff, DH know I want to be an organ donor and cremated, and I trust him to make any other decisions.

I want to donate my body to science, but I'm not sure if they'd take it.  I'm already in a research study to find out what causes my most serious disease.  A small part of my stomach was removed for science.  My only rule is that I will not be cremated unless it's what needs to be done after body donation.  Judaism doesn't allow cremation.  As for a memorial, I want my family to do whatever would be healing for them.  Aside, from the necessary stuff, wills, trusts, etc.  I refuse to think about death, because  I'm fighting everyday to have a longer life and that is my priority. 

I want my send off to be the way I live. I want the Word of God preached with power and enthusiasm. I want it stated in some way that I have passed from death to LIFE because of Jesus. I want worship music.

I would like different scriptures that have impacted me posted around the room with an explanation of what it has meant to me. My FB pea friends will know what I mean.

I would like the people who have impacted my life to know that they made a difference. I want everyone who comes to know they have great value.

I would say I'd like each person to walk away with a complimentary copy of my book. Except I don't know if I want to write a book. So that is TBD. But if I do someday I might as well shoot for the stars, right?

I had to plan my parents' funerals (both died at 60, and we only had a vague idea of what they might want.)  It, well, sucked. And now, at 16 and 14 years later, I kind of wish we would have done something different. (They're both cremated in and in a lovely mausoleum, but we should have scattered their ashes.)

So, I tell my kids all the time, do whatever you want.  I joke that I have to wear my wedding dress once more, so if I die at 100 and have shrunk a foot, stuff me in it anyway, tart me up with makeup and stand around saying, "Doesn't mama look good?"  And my sister, who will be 98 then, will fall down laughing like she does, so they can say about HER, "Oh the poor little thing is grief stricken".  

I just know that it's so, so hard at that time to feel like you're doing the right thing, and I personally think there is a lot of guilt around it too, that you can't cheap out on the coffin or whatever.  

My grandma died at 91 in May, and we had a lovely graveside service for her.  We all had a bit of the last bottle of red wine she had in her fridge and all her grandchildren and some great-grandchildren shared memories of her.  She would have loved it.  That's what I would like too, I think.  Simple, short, and while you can't expect people to be happy, then at least focus on the funny and positive when you talk about me.

Having said that, if the kids decide to shoot me out of a cannon and watch my wedding dress fluttering in the wind as I sail out over the ocean, that's fine too.  

brandy327 I'll be honest. Another thing holding me back. Obviously I have no desire 5 months out to even think of getting remarried. I don't want a new husband, I want the one I had. But I am young and not foolish enough to think it could not possibly happen someday. So what if that was to happen sometime in the future? Would a joint headstone be appropriate?

I put way too much thought into things that might never come to pass. SIL seemed adamant about me getting a joint one.

Hugs to everyone that this hits home for. JustKat, I think your plans sound thoughtful and lovely... and Jenjie, I have learned a lot reading your posts about losing your Fred and how your family is healing. I wish you all peace on your journeys.

I don't really care what happens to my body once I'm gone. Whatever brings my family comfort. I'd prefer to be cremated and the money for a funeral spent on a trip to make the family happy, or given to kids in need.. not on a depressing party. My only real requests are that if there must be a casket,that it is a simple, inexpensive one.. and that if they have to have a singer, for Heaven's sake get a good one! They'd better be belting out hymns in a voice like Etta James, or I will come back and haunt my family, and they all know it. I have been to one too many funerals with mousy, pitiful singers (bless their hearts), if someone is going to "sing me back home", I want them to do it right.

Oh Jen. Your SIL needs to shut the Hell up.

If you wanted a double stone, I think you would know by now.

FWIW, I didn't want one, but I can be added to his stone if I so choose.

I haven't, other than that I want a headstone someone has to mow around.   I am a jerk that way.

In seriousness, however, dh has lost all four of his grandparents since we have been married, and he has found it difficult to deal with the deaths that didn't have a funeral (for various reasons).  I do want to sketch a little something out so that inertia and grief doesn't make it so that people are at  a loss for what to do at a time when they aren't going to want to be dealing with logistics.

I see a lot of people mentioning donating your body to science. A couple points:

1. You generally are not able to donate your organs to the living and have the rest donated to science, unless there is a really unique circumstance where you have something "worth" studying in a part of the body not impacted by donating your organs. Pretty rare, I haven't heard of many situations like that.

2. You need to set this up in advance. Just telling your family "Donate my body to science" actually probably leaves them with a hassle and headache. If you are sure that's what you want, get on a registry now, even if you might become ineligible later.

3. You should have a "backup" plan for your family, as the banks do not accept every body for a host of good reasons.

(By the way, I'm reading the book Stiff and highly recommend it to anyone who has the stomach for some discussion of what happens to bodies after death, especially those used for science! There are some short articles online too with similar content, I think one on The Atlantic.)