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Post by alibama on Jul 24, 2014 19:18:29 GMT
My grandmother requested no funeral when she died over 30 years ago, and my dad, being very literal, planned nothing. I think we should have had a little family memorial at home, at least, but we did nothing. And it felt completely unfinished. I don't think you have to have a big, public funeral or memorial service, but it's nice to do something to say goodbye. If your stepdad and brother don't want to do anything, maybe you can plant a tree in her memory or something. And again, I'm sorry for your loss. My mom is 85 and very healthy, but it still scares me that her time is coming. 
Its funny that you say that because a deliver was just made to me from the company I work for. An Azalea Plant. Perfect to plant in her memory!
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Post by lucyg on Jul 24, 2014 19:26:31 GMT
aww, perfect!
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Post by PEArfect on Jul 24, 2014 19:59:51 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom passed away in November and her wishes were the same, no funeral or service. My parents planned to both be cremated and buried together. I wanted to have a gathering for family and close friends to celebrate her life, but my dad felt it would be going against her wishes.
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Post by jojam on Jul 24, 2014 21:10:13 GMT
My mom didn't want a funeral or a memorial. "I'm old. All my friends are old. No one will come." She was also a very frugal person who didn't want all that money spent. I followed her wished. We'd talked about what she wanted, I told her what I'd like to do, and in the end, I did what I told her I'd do. My brother and sister were shocked that there wasn't going to be a funeral, but neither had spent any time of any consequence with her in several years.
For her obituary, I had them write that there would be a small, private memorial for her (in her home state) that summer. I took her 'home' (where she'd grown up) and my cousins there (her side of the family) planned a picnic by a lake, sang, said a few words about her, we prayed, and spread her ashes.
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Post by Miss Lerins Momma on Jul 24, 2014 21:18:25 GMT
My great Aunt passed away on Christmas Eve of last year and per her wishes, they didn't have a funeral. A few family members fussed about it but they were just respecting her wishes. She was cremated and her urn is in my grandma's living room.
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Post by whipea on Jul 25, 2014 1:16:48 GMT
So sorry for the loss of your mom. My immediate family is all gone and I have never been to or held any type of funeral or service for any of them. Everyone was cremated and I keep them in my closet. Weird, I know, but that is where I find comfort. Even my mom, who was the last to go requested to be placed in the "family mausoleum" AKA my closet.
In my family no one ever felt the need for a service or an event to confirm closure, the person being gone was the closure. Seems cold I guess, but I have good memories of their lives, not the last memory of them being an event or service.
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maurchclt
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by maurchclt on Jul 25, 2014 2:14:13 GMT
Hugs during such a difficult time, there really is no way to deal with the loss of a parent. When my dad died,at 91, he outlived most of his friends and relatives. So no funeral, instead, with immediate family all over the country, we gathered together at a timeshare to celebrate his amazing life. We laughed, we cried and spent a long weekend together. One afternoon, we all shared our favorite daddy memory. It remains one of the special times in our life, he would have loved the family togetherness.
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Post by spitfiregirl on Jul 25, 2014 2:20:36 GMT
sometimes thats just the way it is.
We did not have one for my mom.
i feel bad about it, but my brother did not want to and my sister was "incapacitated" or is that "incarcerated" ?... whatever it was, i couldnt do one on my own. I just couldnt. So, there wasnt one.
I mourned my mom in my own way, by myself.
Youll have to do the same.
So Sorry . Its never easy.
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Post by kelbel827 on Jul 25, 2014 2:22:16 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss. It sucks to lose a parent!
I absolutely do NOT want a funeral. I don't want anyone praying over me or for me. No service, just cremate me and have a big party. I am an atheist and hate the religious things that go along with funerals. I've even been to a funeral for another atheist and people were praying. Just not what I want. I want my son to take the money that would have been spent on funeral stuff and use it for something he wants.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
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Location: Western Illinois
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Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 25, 2014 2:34:06 GMT
When my dad died a little over two years ago we had a visitation (casket was closed) and then the next day we just had private, family-only, graveside services that lasted just a few minutes. He would have been happy with even less, but I think the visitation was helpful for all of us.
Since then, I've known of two other people who died and there were no services, not even a visitation. I think people are doing what the deceased wanted or following their own wishes and not feeling like they have to do the traditional things. My aunt died earlier this month and I was surprised when my cousins had the funeral at the funeral home rather than the church she had attended all of her life.
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Post by librarylady on Jul 25, 2014 3:18:11 GMT
Alibama---I send you sympathy on the loss of your mother.
I think you should have taken another day or so off work if you weren't ready to go back........
Regarding the service:
I know of 2, maybe 3 who did not have a service when they passed. It feels so unfinished......
My husband's SIL would not hold a service for his brother--and the family was not happy about that........so, his mother and siblings had a service, told the wife she could come or not....but they needed it.
My friend's step mother didn't hold a service--and his children wanted one----so, they held a memorial service in the home of his daughter.
...and my friend died, and her siblings didn't hold a service.
So, if you need/want a service for your mother, then hold one.........even if it is just you and your close friends who know how you are hurting. It is a way to honor your mother.........and will probably make you feel better.
IMO, the memorial is for the survivors.
I get real disappointed in people who say "I don't like them." well, who the heck does??
Hug to you and my condolences.....
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TXMary
Pearl Clutcher
And so many nights I just dream of the ocean. God, I wish I was sailin' again.
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Post by TXMary on Jul 25, 2014 3:54:16 GMT
I am so sorry for your loss.
When my dad died, we had an immediate family only graveside service. He would have liked it. We have no regrets about it.
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 25, 2014 4:03:43 GMT
My dad died in May and specifically requested no memorial or funeral.... Just a a party at a later date so we could sit around and talk about him.
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Post by I-95 on Jul 25, 2014 8:11:55 GMT
I think I love your Granny!
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
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Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 25, 2014 9:26:03 GMT
Very sorry for your loss.
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Post by alibama on Jul 25, 2014 14:29:10 GMT
Thanks for all the replies.
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marimoose
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by marimoose on Aug 9, 2014 19:55:57 GMT
Very sorry fro your loss.
As for a service or no service. I have made it clear that when that time comes for me, I do NOT want a service of any kind. I also wish to be cremated. Just my personal choice.
I know that services are for the living but... I don't personally need a service and have made it clear to my family that not only do I not want a service, I no longer will be attending any. I am quite able to acknowledge and celebrate in my own way, the passing of a loved one. Funerals really make me uneasy and it seems so unnatural.Not only that, a huge waste of money that my family could save or spend on the living. Death itself, is part of life and i am accepting of that. It is surprising to me how many people become incensed by this. If the service is for the living to say goodbye,why does it matter if I am in attendance.
I hope you are able to find the closure you need because it does sound like you do need some closure. I like the idea of a balloon send off maybe with a memory placed in each side of one. Possibly a donation to something that she was passionate about it.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Aug 9, 2014 19:59:49 GMT
Sorry for your loss. When my mom passed away she was in San Diego where she didn't have many friends since we moved her there once she started showing signs of dementia. So, no there was no service. Same with my sister. BIL and she had moved to a new area and smaller, more manageable house when she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's so there was no service. Her daughter and I visited about a month before she passed away.
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Post by theboydbunch on Aug 9, 2014 20:42:17 GMT
I am very sorry for your loss. I, also, can not imagine not doing any type of service, but I have never had anyone close to me pass when there was not some type of funeral and/or memorial service. Did your mom share her wishes about this before her passing? You mentioned that your brother and your mom's husband made this decision, but was it something you discussed? I would think this would be a family decision? I can't imagine just leaving right afterwards. I'm really sorry I do believe you attend/have memorial services and funerals for the surviving members of the family and people attend out of respect and love for those who have lost someone. When I hear people say, " I don't do funerals/viewings"...My thought is, "Who does, other than Grandma Mazur in the Stephanie Plum books  ? " |
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 11:42:34 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2014 20:45:42 GMT
I think the wishes of the person should be respected as to what happens when they die. I don't find it odd; actually quite refreshing that not everyone is following the norms of what's been done for many years.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Aug 9, 2014 23:13:30 GMT
Very sorry fro your loss. As for a service or no service. I have made it clear that when that time comes for me, I do NOT want a service of any kind. I also wish to be cremated. Just my personal choice. I know that services are for the living but... I don't personally need a service and have made it clear to my family that not only do I not want a service, I no longer will be attending any. I am quite able to acknowledge and celebrate in my own way, the passing of a loved one. Funerals really make me uneasy and it seems so unnatural.Not only that, a huge waste of money that my family could save or spend on the living. Death itself, is part of life and i am accepting of that. It is surprising to me how many people become incensed by this. If the service is for the living to say goodbye,why does it matter if I am in attendance. I hope you are able to find the closure you need because it does sound like you do need some closure. I like the idea of a balloon send off maybe with a memory placed in each side of one. Possibly a donation to something that she was passionate about it. You can obviously choose to attend or not attend people's services. I would say though, that services aren't only about living to say goodbye. It's also a time for family and friends to come together and comfort each other, celebrate and acknowledge the life that is lost etc. It matters if you are in attendance because of that - not because you're not capable of saying goodbye in your own way. I don't attend funerals to say goodbye - I attend to offer my support to those who are grieving, and for many, it does matter if people show up. |
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