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Post by alibama on Jul 24, 2014 15:33:27 GMT
Sorry I should have asked this in the other thread I posted about my mom passing away.
Is it normal to not have a Memorial Service or Funeral?
It just seems so wrong to me. It was not my choice though and I would never make waves about it. I just quietly went on my way.
My mom lived in Tx I am in VA, she lived there with her husband and my brother so I feel like it was their decision not mine. They said my mom didn't like memorial services (who does?). I think my stepdad didn't want to deal with the people that would come. He is not a people person at all. He purposely moved away from all family. He is a great guy though, he took great care of my mom. I can't fault him there.
She passed on Monday am and my flight was already scheduled to come home Tuesday so I just came home (they encouraged me to). Today I am at work. Just doesn't seem right to me.
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Post by hennybutton on Jul 24, 2014 15:38:15 GMT
I'm so sorry about your mom and sorry you have to deal with this. I've been seeing more and more families not having services lately. I can't even imagine not having a memorial or funeral if one of my loved ones passed away.
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Post by rumplesnat on Jul 24, 2014 15:38:21 GMT
I'm very sorry about your mom. When my husband and I first started dating, his grandfather died and they did not have any type of service or memorial, per the grandfather's request. Aside from this one instance, I have never known family or friends to not have a funeral and/or memorial service when a loved one passes away.
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Post by kimpossible on Jul 24, 2014 15:40:36 GMT
I don't think it ever feels right to "go back to normal life" after you have something so devastating happen to you.
I know that the hospice my Dad was with offered help to the survivors after everything was over. We had some family drama that just seemed so wrong at the time of our loved one's death and a wonderful woman from hospice was able to spend some time with a couple of us (by phone and in person) to let us vent and share our feelings. They can be a wonderful resource for helping you move through the feeling of loss, grief and getting back to a "new normal" as they sometimes call it.
It sounds like you live out of town from where your Mom was. They can refer you to a local resource if you want.
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Post by kckckc on Jul 24, 2014 15:42:05 GMT
I am sorry for your loss.
I have known a couple of people who only had very short, immediate family only, graveside services. I've never known anyone to have nothing at all.
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 11:48:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 15:44:38 GMT
I don't think it ever feels right to "go back to normal life" after you have something so devastating happen to you. I know that the hospice my Dad was with offered help to the survivors after everything was over. We had some family drama that just seemed so wrong at the time of our loved one's death and a wonderful woman from hospice was able to spend some time with a couple of us (by phone and in person) to let us vent and share our feelings. They can be a wonderful resource for helping you move through the feeling of loss, grief and getting back to a "new normal" as they sometimes call it. It sounds like you live out of town from where your Mom was. They can refer you to a local resource if you want. I agree with you Kim! I can't say enough good things about hospice grief counselors (by the way I am sorry for the loss of your dad)! alibama, I am so sorry for your loss too. It's hard to not have closure I am sure.
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
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Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 24, 2014 15:48:17 GMT
I did not have a service for my dad. All of his friends were gone or so far away they wouldn't have come anyway. The only ones left were me and my kids and their families. It didn't make sense to do all of that for us and the few friends of ours who would show up.
My dad was buried 800 miles from here at a national cemetey where my mom is buried. I had his body sent there and I didn't even go down there, I don't know anyone where the they are buried. Some days I feel I should have done more, but for the most part I'm ok with my choice.
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Post by scrapmaven on Jul 24, 2014 15:50:26 GMT
I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mom. If her wishes were that she not have a service then I suppose you must honor it. If you want to do a little something, can you do something quietly w/your friends and loved ones in your area to honor her? Perhaps have dinner at a restaurant that she would love and toast her or have a picnic in a beautiful park and honor her w/a small eulogy.
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Post by genny on Jul 24, 2014 15:52:47 GMT
First, I'm so sorry about your mother, you have been in my thoughts since your post about her before you left town. My MIL passed away in April from lung cancer. She made her wishes absolutely clear: she did NOT want a funeral! She proclaimed that it was a rip off in every way. She expressly said a couple of months before she died she wanted us to find the cheapest way possible to cremate her and throw a BIG ASS PARTY (her words). So that's what we did. It was a very nice memorial at our house - it was a lot of work, but I had help from close friends and my SIL. I don't know if it's a trending thing or not, but those were her wishes and the least we could do was abide by them. My mom was appalled that we didn't bury her 'proper' and have a minister. I know of 2 other people who skipped a funeral and just did a nice memorial in a casual setting. For me, it's a bit of closure when the funeral/memorial is over. Doesn't make the pain stop or the memories fade, but it's a stepping stone to moving forward and I'm sorry you won't have that. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Genny
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Post by littlemama on Jul 24, 2014 15:53:39 GMT
When my father-in-law passed away last year, we had a memorial service for him. He had not wanted anything, but we needed it (his death was sudden and he was too young) and, well, he wasn't there to protest. There were a couple hundred people at his memorial service.
When my step dad passed away, also last year, we did not have anything. It felt weird, but he had been ill for a long time, and was not a people person necessarily, so there probably would not have been very many people there.
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Post by bluepoprocks on Jul 24, 2014 15:54:26 GMT
I had a friend who had cerebral palsy who passed away. Her aunt called me and told me I wasn't allowed to come to her funeral because her mom who had passed maybe 15 years before and had never met me said she only wanted a burial and only family could come. That was crazy to me. I spent more time with her in the 10 years I knew her then anyone who was allowed at the burial. No viewing no real funeral they just buried her. I can't even visit her grave because I got some crazy instruction on how to find the cemetery.
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Post by lovetodigi on Jul 24, 2014 15:55:28 GMT
I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom. My aunt passed away last November and had requested no funeral. It just did not seem right. She had no living children and had donated her body to science. We had our own private memorial at my Mom's, talked about fun memories and released balloons with private notes to her. Then my DH's DGM passed away a couple of months ago, at the age of 100. She had also requested no funeral, wanted to be cremated. Maybe it is getting to be more common for this to happen, or what I suspect, is that, in the case of my aunt and DGM, they knew how much funerals are and planned based on cost. I don't know why they are choosing this route, but it just seems hard, not to be able to say goodbye one last time.
Maybe you could have your own private memorial. Plant a tree in your Moms honor, write her a letter and release it in a balloon, make a scrapbook dedicated to your Mom. I understand your need to do something to honor her. It does not seem right for them to just slip away and be gone. Our loved ones deserve more and we need that closure. (((HUG)))
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 24, 2014 16:05:58 GMT
Memorial / Funeral services are for the living, those who are now left without their loved one. It starts the process of closure, the acknowledgment that this person is no longer living on this earth. Really tough stuff.
Our society (to me) doesn't know how to acknowledge death and is very awkward about talking/dealing with death. It is a process and not a "get over it". The processing of the death of someone takes time, lots of time and to simply say "get over it" to someone who is grieving is confusing to that person.
Many hugs to you. Acknowledge her life, what made your mom the person she was and then also acknowledge that she is now, very sadly, gone.
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Post by alibama on Jul 24, 2014 16:39:01 GMT
First, I'm so sorry about your mother, you have been in my thoughts since your post about her before you left town. My MIL passed away in April from lung cancer. She made her wishes absolutely clear: she did NOT want a funeral! She proclaimed that it was a rip off in every way. She expressly said a couple of months before she died she wanted us to find the cheapest way possible to cremate her and throw a BIG ASS PARTY (her words). So that's what we did. It was a very nice memorial at our house - it was a lot of work, but I had help from close friends and my SIL. I don't know if it's a trending thing or not, but those were her wishes and the least we could do was abide by them. My mom was appalled that we didn't bury her 'proper' and have a minister. I know of 2 other people who skipped a funeral and just did a nice memorial in a casual setting. For me, it's a bit of closure when the funeral/memorial is over. Doesn't make the pain stop or the memories fade, but it's a stepping stone to moving forward and I'm sorry you won't have that. Again, I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. Genny Genny, I think you said it just right " it's a bit of closure when the funeral/memorial is over. Doesn't make the pain stop or the memories fade, but it's a stepping stone to moving forward"
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Post by lesleyanne on Jul 24, 2014 17:21:10 GMT
My mom did not want a memorial or funeral. So we didn't. She was cremated and my dad and I took her ashes "home" and that was that.
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Deleted
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Oct 8, 2024 11:48:04 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 17:27:18 GMT
I'm really sorry about your loss. (((hugs))) to you
I personally think funerals/memorial services are for the living, not the dead. That said, I can understand if your mom expressed she didn't want there to be one, they would feel obligated to abide by her wishes. I don't think there's really a right and wrong in situations like this. I'm sorry you're going through this.
(Doesn't your company offer bereavement leave? Maybe you'd rather be at work than home with your thoughts, but if you don't want to be working right now, you may be entitled to the rest of the week off.)
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styxgirl
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Jun 27, 2014 4:51:44 GMT
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Post by styxgirl on Jul 24, 2014 17:42:09 GMT
Very sorry for your loss. It is hard to go back to "normal" without the closure that a memorial service gives you. Perhaps you could have a little personal service if your own (with the people that live close to you that knew your mom) you could look at pictures of her, play a song and even tell a few favorite stories about her and just have your own little "service" just for you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Post by meridon on Jul 24, 2014 17:47:47 GMT
I guess it depends on what those closest to the person who has passed think she/he would have wanted. My grandfather was very adamant about not wanting a funeral or memorial service of any kind. He was a very vocal atheist and didn't want anything remotely religious. He was cremated and we scattered his ashes as just the family. A few close family and friends stopped by the house and visited for a bit, and that was it. Not sure that my grandfather would have approved of even that much, but I think funerals, etc. are just as much about people paying their respects and helping the family get some closure and grieve than they are to honor the wishes of the deceased.
And I am sorry for your loss. Hugs to you!
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oldcrow
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Jun 26, 2014 12:25:29 GMT
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Post by oldcrow on Jul 24, 2014 17:50:50 GMT
Neither of my parents wanted a funeral. They were both cremated as by their request. In fact they had prearranged it.
When my mother died two years ago we had a celebration of life. It was a "come and go" at my sister's home because she lived in the area. My father was pleased that we did that.
When my father died last year we did the same thing.
Now because we are a large family they were well attended and family was thankful that we did it. They were the first in the family to make the choice of no funeral.
When my uncle and aunt died last year there was nothing. And it does seem empty when there is nothing to note the passing other than a very short obit in the paper.
My cousin is now considered to be a cheap person. The family has decided nothing was done because he didn't want to spend the money. Unfortunately, that is probably true, he has displayed that tendency many times.
Having a celebration of life should be the decision of those who are left behind. Neither of my parents would have denied us that.
But even having something like a funeral or whatever does not make the passing of a parent any easier. I mourn their passing everyday.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 24, 2014 17:53:47 GMT
To me the memorial or funeral service is for the living. Not the dead. They dead don't know if it happened or not. Perhaps your brother and mom's husband didn't feel the need themselves for one and assumed no one else would be coming to one if they had it so they didn't bother.
My great aunt died two week ago. There was a short service at the mausoleum where she was buried. There was only a dozen people, including family, there.
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cycworker
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Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Jul 24, 2014 17:55:51 GMT
I agree with the OP. I can't imagine not doing something.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 24, 2014 17:56:02 GMT
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. I have had a few people in my life request no service. It was hard. My dearest aunt just passed away recently. She had moved to TX from AZ and had only a son there. There was no service and I feel a bit lost. I would visit her every year in AZ, but missed last year for the first time in about ten years.
A dear friend's MIL requested no service. She liked to play bingo, so her family met at the VFW and hosted a bingo night in her honor. I loved that idea.
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mlana
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Jun 27, 2014 19:58:15 GMT
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Post by mlana on Jul 24, 2014 18:02:36 GMT
I'm sorry you lost your mom and didn't get the chance to give her a proper sendoff.
There was no funeral for either my MIL or FIL, and we didn't get any warning about their illnesses so that DH could go see them a final time. I think that since he hasn't been back to their home city/state since they passed (and because they talked so seldom) he just sorta pretends they are still there.
When my great aunt passed recently, she had insisted there be no service. She didn't want anyone looking at her in a casket - said they might not put here eyebrows on straight! My mom said it was weird, that after she passed they and her BF and a couple of her sons waited in her hospital room until the funeral home came, then everyone went their separate ways. Everyone was just done, I guess. My granny, the GA's sister, could have really used the funeral ritual. Granny felt like she had let her sister down by not giving her a proper sendoff, but Mom kept pointing out how adamant GA had been about not having any service.
Mom had the preacher at their church do a prayer for GA (she went with them to services anytime she visited and really like the preacher) and different members of the congregation spoke about how much they had enjoyed her visits and the paintings she had given them. I think it really helped Granny to say feel like Ga had been properly remembered.
Granny told us that when she passes, she expects us to spend AT LEAST 3 days and nights weeping and wailing before we hold a huge funeral service. I think she has Vince Gill or Dolly Parton in mind to sing at it. LOL
Marcy
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Post by katlaw on Jul 24, 2014 18:05:12 GMT
My mom said she does not want a memorial service or funeral when she passes away because it will cost me too much money. I told her it is not her choice. The service is for me and her family she left behind. So we can come together and remember her. In my own experience I need the closure the service provides and the I enjoy meeting people who have a story to tell about the person that has passed. It does not have to be a traditional funeral but I like hearing the eulogy and sharing memories. 2 people that I cared for greatly have passed away in the past 6 months and both families did not have a service so I think it is becoming much more common.
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Post by meowgal on Jul 24, 2014 18:05:50 GMT
I'm so sorry for your loss and the sense of missing that closure.
When my brother died in March, I did NOT have a memorial service and simply had him cremated. I attended the cremation, alone, and as odd as it sounds, I even pushed the button on the "oven" to send him in. It seemed so personal and I wanted to be the one to do it. His friends are all in Texas and Colorado, so having a service of any kind here in Virginia didn't make sense, and he died here. Even with the cremation, I am still NOT feeling the closure as I did with my Mom last year. We had a nice memorial service for her and came back to the house for refreshments and talking. It felt "warm" and so like her. It seemed the right way to say goodbye. I've also not spread my brother's ashes yet. I was ready to let go of Mom's, but his....I'm just not ready, plus, there is nobody to go with me to do it. I hope to have more closure when I'm ready to do that....
I really love the balloon idea with the notes.
But, in answer to the original question: I think that with families and friends being so mobile these days, less and less are wanting their families to spend the money on formal services. But, I totally understand your feelings on this.
HUGS and I'm thinking of you. Carolyn
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Post by monklady123 on Jul 24, 2014 18:12:32 GMT
Yes, it's more common than we might think. My father has said he does not want a funeral, and to be honest I'm not sure I would have had one anyway. He's 96 now and just about all of his old friends are dead. He has acquaintances in the neighborhood but no real friends. He is not at all religious and has said that he doesn't want any money spent on funerals. He'd rather that money stay with my mom, or if she dies before he does then with me and my sister. So he'll be cremated (his wish) and then put into the columbarium at Arlington National Cemetery. Same with my mom when she dies. They have a short service there at Arlington which will be for just my mom, me, my sister, my dh, and our kids. I'm sorry about the death of your mother.
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Post by BeckyTech on Jul 24, 2014 18:14:24 GMT
You should do what is appropriate for the type of person your mom was and your family. I don't think that a formal funeral home memorial service is necessarily always the right thing or required thing. Whatever brings you and your family peace is right for you.
At the time my mom died, my sister and I just organized a small lunch for us and the few friends that were here. We talked about the good times and it was right for us.
We had ours at a restaurant and I had called ahead, letting them know what was going on. Our waitstaff did not hover or keep checking back too often, they were appropriately somber; nice, but not super cheerful, and they sat us in a quieter part of the restaurant. They were fantastic and we really appreciated it.
I have also been to more organized and formal "memorials" at restaurants where an entire banquet room was reserved, they had a slide show and short movie, and it was very much a celebration of life.
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Post by alibama on Jul 24, 2014 18:18:05 GMT
Very sorry for your loss. It is hard to go back to "normal" without the closure that a memorial service gives you. Perhaps you could have a little personal service if your own (with the people that live close to you that knew your mom) you could look at pictures of her, play a song and even tell a few favorite stories about her and just have your own little "service" just for you. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk That is a good idea
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Post by alibama on Jul 24, 2014 18:22:55 GMT
I'm really sorry about your loss. (((hugs))) to you I personally think funerals/memorial services are for the living, not the dead. That said, I can understand if your mom expressed she didn't want there to be one, they would feel obligated to abide by her wishes. I don't think there's really a right and wrong in situations like this. I'm sorry you're going through this. (Doesn't your company offer bereavement leave? Maybe you'd rather be at work than home with your thoughts, but if you don't want to be working right now, you may be entitled to the rest of the week off.) I didn't have to work today it was my choice. My boss is a wonderful person and he told me to take it off but I gotta do something sitting at home alone doesn't help me at all. Besides it is just my boss and I that run the office (he is the owner) and when one of is gone it is really hard on the other one. Between my husbands accident a few weeks ago and my mom I have missed a lot of days this month. He understands but I hate to leave him in that situation.
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Post by lucyg on Jul 24, 2014 19:07:17 GMT
My grandmother requested no funeral when she died over 30 years ago, and my dad, being very literal, planned nothing. I think we should have had a little family memorial at home, at least, but we did nothing. And it felt completely unfinished. I don't think you have to have a big, public funeral or memorial service, but it's nice to do something to say goodbye. If your stepdad and brother don't want to do anything, maybe you can plant a tree in her memory or something. And again, I'm sorry for your loss. My mom is 85 and very healthy, but it still scares me that her time is coming.
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