Feeling frustrated,sad, and angry (sorry this got long)

First of all, I got my tubes after we were divorced. My ex said he'd go to counseling with me so we could get back together if he knew he didn't have to worry about any more kids. My parents were helping me with car insurance because the job I had at the time cut my hours. I had already cut down all of my bills as much as I could but still needed a little help as ex wasn't paying child support (no court order for one so he's not a deadbeat) When my insurance said monthly control wasn't covered but permanent was, my mother suggested I do that. After a while, she said I don't want any more grandkids and suggested that they'd stop paying my car insurance (which was getting them a bigger discount, btw) if I didn't do it. My mother was not watching my kids. I spent way too much time after my divorce trying to please my ex. I spent way too much time trying to meet my mother's standards. There's some resentment there, I know. That is probably what colors my view of my ex.

DH is a wonderful man. He does not go on and on about wanting a kid. He does get a little wistful when he sees a little kid playing with his Dad. I see that on his face. But he does not make me feel worse for not being able to have another child. He has said he'll be ok with it and maybe after the boys are out of the house, we could foster. It's harder on ME than it is on him. Really. I'm the one who is having the roller coaster of emotions, going through the guilt trips, etc. He's not putting it on me so knock off the he's an ass shit. It's all me and my own internal thoughts. I see him watching a Dad interact with a little kid and feel sad. He doesn't whine or pout or say anything. He doesn't bring it up unless I do. If we can't do this, then I think I'm going to be the one who is going to have a harder time than he will. He's not going to leave me because I can't have a kid. If I'm wrong, then he's not the man I thought he was. When we talked about pursuing IVF, I knew we would have to put money away and I knew it'd be slow because we're trying to pay extra on the big bills (house, car and student), plus braces and soon all the usual high school teenage stuff.

As for me not liking ex's job, it's not that I think being a mechanic is beneath me, DH or my kids. Ex is good. He understands cars and works hard. It's just frustrating to see that he was smart enough to take that mechanical ability and do more with it, but didn't. He has turned down at least two promotions I know of because he doesn't want more responsibility at work. Someone thinks he's good enough to run the shop but he doesn't want to. I see that attitude rubbing off on my kids. As for me thinking "do over" it's a selfish thought, something I usually keep to myself save for what I said here. It's just one of those "if I had a kid with DH, at least I know s/he would be encouraged to do more, go further, pursue their dreams instead of this is good enough" thoughts. Shitty? Perhaps. It's just me being selfish and hating the joint custody.

As for money, we have enough to pay the bills. That isn't a problem. It's making the choice between the want/needs of now and the dream of having a child. I want to be selfish and sock away as much as I can so that we don't go further into debt for something that isn't guarenteed. But I want to be the adult and say the money we have saved up (which really isn't much) would easily cover the car repairs without putting it on a card and then some. The feelings of frustrations come from feeling torn between all of that. DH knew what he was getting into. He changed his mind and said he'd love to have a child with me, let's see if that can happen. Sadly, there's too much scarring to make a reversal an option. Adoption or fostering may be our choice because I just don't see IVF being an option right now. And that is what I'm feeling sad over. I cannot have another child. It's frustrating because I got pregnant easily with these two. And I love them. I really do. I just hate sharing them with their Dad sometimes. (so sue me, I'm selfish) I hate it when they're gone.

Finding a job has been hard. Is it because I'm deaf? I don't know. Most of my experience has been in retail and customer service. I know plenty of people with disabilities have jobs. Don't think less of me because I'm whining about it. Sometimes I walk away from an interview thinking, they're not going to hire me because a good chunk of the job relies on being able to talk on the phone or use their radio system that does not work with my hearing aid. It's frustrating. I'm still looking but at this point, I'm just about ready to give up and just focus on being a homemaker.

My problem here is that I'm struggling to find peace with whatever decision we make. If it means going to counseling again, then so be it. I just needed to get it off my chest because it's not a conversation I want to have with DH while my kids are here. That and I just don't want to give up. It's hard to think that there's something you want but getting it is going to be harder than you can handle so maybe you should give up on it. I have to come to terms with the idea that we're going to have to set that dream aside, find an alternative (fostering or adoption), and focus on giving my kids the best life I can.

Ah, fuck it. I don't care what a bunch of strangers on the internet think of me, DH or my kids. I know DH is a wonderful man with his own faults. I know my kids are not going to go without. They may not get the XBox One for Christmas but they will have everything they need and more. I know I am not without problems, quirks or faults. I know I am human and will think thoughts that shouldn't be vocalized. I know my ex and I do not agree on much these days, that we have different parenting styles and hopes, dreams, and goals for the kids. I know he works hard and generally is a good person. He makes choices I don't agree with but hey, I'm not married to him anymore. As long as his choices don't have a negative impact on the boys, I don't really care. I have some choices to make and they're hard and with them, comes a whole mess of feelings. So what if it makes you think less of me or my family?

That said, thank you to those who understood.