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Oct 6, 2024 6:32:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2014 1:23:55 GMT
This is just a whine. I am not looking for tips or suggestions. A little back story: I spent way too many years trying to please my ex and win him back (WTF was I thinking?) One of the things I did was get my tubes tied. He kept saying how he didn't want any more kids and would love it if he didn't have to worry about it. Why didn't he do the V I don't know. I know he put off getting insurance for as long as he could and didn't get it until he had to (ACA) so maybe that was part of it. I had insurance that would pay for a tubal but not monthly BC. Between him and my mom, I was getting a lot of pressure to have permanent birth control. My mother even threatened to cut off all help. So I did it. Within a month of having my tubes tied, my ex showed me what an ass he really was and I have regretted it ever since. While not having to worry about an oops baby is nice, I felt like I was robbed of the choice. Fast forward to today. I'm happily remarried. I love my DH. He's 5 years younger than me. At first he was ok with the whole no more kids thing. Then something changed and now he wants to have a child with me. And we can't. Two different doctors say they won't do a reversal. One says we should do genetic counseling before we even consider IVF because of my hearing and extensive family history of cancer (seriously, every grandparent had cancer plus my mom). So we say we'll try IVF. It's at least $10,000 just to do the first round. We don't have that available nor do we have it in credit. We've been trying to save up for it but it's been difficult as we have other bills that need to be taken care of first. DS1 needs braces and is currently doing the expander part of his treatment so we have to pay on that (insurance doesn't cover it). Then there's DH's car. It runs but it needs new tires and air compressor. Plus we need to expand our fence, fix the shed/garage, reside the house, and the list goes on. We are pretty much tapped out in terms of credit and don't want to go further into debt just to TRY. My mother has said she doesn't want any more grandkids so she will not help us. DH is hesitant to ask his Dad for help and I don't blame him. It's hard to ask people to help us with something that could be considered selfish. We're making it now but it's getting harder and harder. I've been looking for a job but damn, it's hard. No one wants to hire a deaf person when there's someone else with just as much experience but no adjustments need to be made for them. Craft shows only go so far. So I'm just sitting here, at a loss. I feel like I've failed DH because of a choice I made before I met him. Unless he sleeps with someone else or divorces me, he may never have a child of his own. I'm angry because I let my ex influence a life-changing decision yet again and it ended badly. I'm sad because I feel like I'm a failure. DH deserves a chance to have that experience, that bond, that love and he may never get it. My boys were 9 and 10 when we married. They are still very much their Dad's boys. DH loves them but often looks at parents with younger children and say how much he wishes he could have that chance. It's frustrating because DH and I have similar parenting styles and goals for the kids and the ex just doesn't. We want the boys to be involved in something, anything at school, to pursue an interest, a hobby, a career path. Ex has this attitude of "I didn't do anything in high school but show up and I turned out just fine." Sure, if working as a mechanic with no desire to move up is "just fine." He didn't go to college. He was given the chance to become a Sgt in the Army and turned it down because he didn't want more responsibility. I see the same attitude popping up in my kids and it's frustrating. I keep thinking, a child with DH would be a chance to start over, try again, and have a partner in parenting that wants the same results as I do. Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. They're awesome. Both are playing musical instruments and I'm doing everything I can to encourage them to keep it up. I know they'll grow up to be good people. I just worry that ex's attitude of "this is good enough" is going to rub off on them and they won't pursue what they really want. I don't want to give up on trying but yet the adult in me says, take care of what you do have first. I want this so badly that I've even fantasized about robbing a bank or turning tricks I never will but damned if the thought isn't there. Short of winning the lotto, I don't know what to do. Yard sale? Done. Stashing money away? Done. We've talked about the care credit card. Don't want to apply for it unless we really do have no other choice and/or have more saved up. Really do not want to take out loans or another credit card. That is not an option.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,840
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Jul 25, 2014 1:30:52 GMT
( ( ( hugs ) ) )
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Post by Belia on Jul 25, 2014 1:34:18 GMT
I'm so sorry. It's not something I've ever faced personally, but I can imagine that not feeling as though your family is complete AND not being able to do anything about it is heartbreaking. I hope you and your DH find a resolution and peace somehow soon.
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Post by *Scrapper*Stamper* on Jul 25, 2014 2:08:51 GMT
I had my tubes tied after I divorced my husband because I refused to get pregnant by another loser. Seriously I refused to date another man UNTIL I got my tubes tied. I had THREE children and had no financial support from my ex. My husband and I started dating when my youngest was six. He raised ALL of my children. Without the support of bio dad. My son's treated him HORRIBLY!!! Cussed, fought, had domestic violence charges from both sons several times. BUT he loved me and stayed by my side!!! I would have loved to have a child with him, but am satisfied with how things worked out!!! I am totally offended by your response that your ex is a mechanic - what the FUCK does that have to do with the price of tea in China??? My husband is an auto technician and he makes good money, he works HARD and ASE certified. You make it sound like being a "mechanic" is beneath your standards and worthless. Considering my husband's profession and what he does for a living. It totally pisses me off, my husband is the only one certified in the area to work on propane vehicles. You make it sound like a mechanic is beneath you. My husband works HARD at his job and it pisses me off that you make it sound like he is worthless, just my opinion. But honestly this opinion makes me not fond of you
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Post by phoenixcov on Jul 25, 2014 2:19:57 GMT
He knew your situation when he married you so I think he is either being cruel or thoughtless in talking about how much he misses the chance to have children. Really hope you can sort something out for all your families sake.
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Post by Lexica on Jul 25, 2014 2:33:31 GMT
...Between him and my mom, I was getting a lot of pressure to have permanent birth control. My mother even threatened to cut off all help. So I did it. Within a month of having my tubes tied, my ex showed me what an ass he really was and I have regretted it ever since. While not having to worry about an oops baby is nice, I felt like I was robbed of the choice....
I don't understand why your mom was pressuring you to have your tubes tied during your marriage "or she would cut off all help" What was she helping with that you having another baby would upset? I just can't see a grandmother saying she didn't want any more grandchildren so she wouldn't assist you in creating one.
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Post by christine58 on Jul 25, 2014 2:42:06 GMT
...Between him and my mom, I was getting a lot of pressure to have permanent birth control. My mother even threatened to cut off all help. So I did it. Within a month of having my tubes tied, my ex showed me what an ass he really was and I have regretted it ever since. While not having to worry about an oops baby is nice, I felt like I was robbed of the choice.... I don't understand why your mom was pressuring you to have your tubes tied during your marriage "or she would cut off all help" What was she helping with that you having another baby would upset? I just can't see a grandmother saying she didn't want any more grandchildren so she wouldn't assist you in creating one. I'm with Lexica....WTF is your mother even involved in your BC decisions?? And now she tells you she doesn't want any more grandchildren? She sounds like a real peach. Your current DH KNEW that the possibility of you having another child was next to impossible when he married you and now he's making you feel guilty about a choice YOU made?? He sounds like a real winner too...
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 6:32:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2014 2:52:06 GMT
If mom is providing money because the family's paycheck is chronically short, or if she is providing free child care so both parents can work and not have money going to a day care but she isn't up to keeping more kids I can see her having a voice in not adding more mouths to be fed or children to be cared for.
Sorry you are feeling so sad. But I think your h is being a jerk. He knew going into the marriage you couldn't have a child with him. He isn't being very nice to you in making you feel bad about a choice made years ago. And it is a choice many women make after two kids no matter what their circumstances.
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Post by thatmarie on Jul 25, 2014 2:59:13 GMT
I think you need to do what makes you happy for once, not everyone else.
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Post by papersilly on Jul 25, 2014 2:59:52 GMT
I keep thinking, a child with DH would be a chance to start over, try again, and have a partner in parenting that wants the same results as I do. ----------------- I wonder about the rationality of having a child as a "do-over" to be that perfect parent the third time around. I also question having another kid out of guilt or eagerness to please another husband. I'm not even going to get into your ability to pay for another kid. I'm sorry about the tubal ligation but its done for now. I hope you and your DH can find an acceptable solution to this.
In the meantime, you have two great kids that you and your DH can inspire and parent.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jul 25, 2014 3:15:31 GMT
Nothing to say, just cyber hugs to give.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 6:32:01 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 25, 2014 3:16:08 GMT
I have to agree that your DH should have known the issue prior to marriage and while I can understand changing his mind, it sounds like some weird reasoning to force something to happen that may not be meant to be.
Is there a "big brother/big sister" program in your area? Are there needy kids looking for a mentor? Would you consider getting the training to be foster parents? Try to look outside the standard "box". You might find something you hadn't even considered, because there are plenty of needy kids that you and he could influence.
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scorpeao
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,521
Location: NorCal USA
Jun 25, 2014 21:04:54 GMT
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Post by scorpeao on Jul 25, 2014 3:18:04 GMT
I had my tubes tied after I divorced my husband because I refused to get pregnant by another loser. Seriously I refused to date another man UNTIL I got my tubes tied. I had THREE children and had no financial support from my ex. My husband and I started dating when my youngest was six. He raised ALL of my children. Without the support of bio dad. My son's treated him HORRIBLY!!! Cussed, fought, had domestic violence charges from both sons several times. BUT he loved me and stayed by my side!!! I would have loved to have a child with him, but am satisfied with how things worked out!!! I am totally offended by your response that your ex is a mechanic - what the FUCK does that have to do with the price of tea in China??? My husband is an auto technician and he makes good money, he works HARD and ASE certified. You make it sound like being a "mechanic" is beneath your standards and worthless. Considering my husband's profession and what he does for a living. It totally pisses me off, my husband is the only one certified in the area to work on propane vehicles. You make it sound like a mechanic is beneath you. My husband works HARD at his job and it pisses me off that you make it sound like he is worthless, just my opinion. But honestly this opinion makes me not fond of you As I read this I thought you were sympathizing with the OP and then BAM..NOPE! Totally caught me off guard and made me giggle. I do have to agree with you about the mechanic...pretty sure they make more than I do and I have a college education and work as a scientist at a local university, so degrees aren't always a ticket to wealth.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Jul 25, 2014 3:18:05 GMT
Could you consider an egg donor? Would then be able to carry even with your tubes tied? That way your DH could be the biological father and get his heart's desire in that regard. Probably pretty $$ too though.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Jul 25, 2014 3:21:30 GMT
I truly think money well spent would be for YOU to get counseling. I strongly think you need to understand why you feel the need to listen to and follow the advice/dictates of others in your life and allow their opinions to make you feel bad, from your ex to your mother to your current husband.
In other words, do you see the pattern in your story?
Do you see how your desire/need to be a people pleaser has/is negatively impacting your happiness in life?
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scrapngranny
Pearl Clutcher
Only slightly senile
Posts: 4,826
Jun 25, 2014 23:21:30 GMT
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Post by scrapngranny on Jul 25, 2014 3:30:39 GMT
From reading your family situation now, are you sure having another child the best idea? It kind of sounds like you are stretched to the max, financially and emotionally. I know you feel, you were forced into not having more children by your ex and mother, but maybe it is the wisest choice. If your mother is still helping you out financially even thinking about having another child is not the best idea. Your current husband is being selfish making you feel as though you are letting him down. While having to child that is a perfect blend of the two of you is romantic, it is seldom that way in real life.
You comment about mechanics was a little hard to swallow. My DS is ASE tech also, and works very hard, doing something he enjoys, to support his family. When your car breaks down, who do you call?
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scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090
Jul 8, 2014 20:17:31 GMT
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Post by scrapaddie on Jul 25, 2014 3:44:47 GMT
1. Your dh knew what he was getting into. It is not fair of him to suddenly start bemoaning that he won't have any biological offspring with you.
2. It sounds as if your mother has been helping you financially. Seriously, if you cannot support the kids you have, why do you think you should have another? Forgive ne if I have misconstrued what I read.
3. Like others have said... It seems that you have spent a life pleasing others.... It is time for you to be responsible for that choice. You had your tubes tied.... Not your mother and not your ex.... ( I learned this the hard way)
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Post by Dixie Lou on Jul 25, 2014 3:56:56 GMT
I'm so sorry you are feeling stressed in this way. I've never been in your situation but I can feel your hurt.
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MaryC
Full Member
Posts: 213
Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
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Post by MaryC on Jul 25, 2014 4:15:19 GMT
I'm sorry that you are feeling all these conflicted, negative emotions. I know you aren't looking for advice or suggestions, but this is NSBR so you're getting them anyway.
Please, for your own sake, consider getting some counseling for yourself and for your DH if he will agree. From what you've described just from a financial standpoint, you're looking at the possibility of spending thousands of dollars for the mere possibility of conceiving a child when you're already in financial stress. Sorry, but I think it would be very selfish to ask either of your parents to help - hard as it may be to accept, both you and your husband made choices and now you're going to have to find a way to live with them. Your DH is not being so dear if he constantly throws it in your face that he feels like he's missing out on raising a child from birth. That's a particularly cruel form of emotional blackmail.
Even with IVF you know that conception is not guaranteed, and what do you think will happen if you go into debt or borrow money from family and the IVF doesn't work? Will your sense of failure become even worse? Will your DH throw it in your face that the money has been spent for nothing? Those are questions you really need to think about honestly before you go any further.
Even though you may have not have meant in that way, nothing in your post comes across as you wanting a child for its own sake. It sounds like you want a child because you feel like a failure, or because you want a second chance at parenting the "right" way. How are those reasons fair to the children you already have, or any children you might have in the future? Do you want a child because you actually want to have another child, or because your DH has guilt tripped you into feeling like a failure if you can't give him what he wants?
I am sorry for your pain and I hope that you will be able to talk to someone and sort your feelings out before you make any definite decisions.
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Post by elaine on Jul 25, 2014 4:21:45 GMT
I feel sad that you have written off your current children's futures, simply because their biological dad isn't your ideal. What a disservice to them. Please don't consider having more kids if this is your attitude towards your current children who have done nothing to warrant your lack of faith in them.
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Post by pelirroja on Jul 25, 2014 11:58:05 GMT
I feel sad and angry too: sad that you don't really seem to be able to see and appreciate all you have in your life. You've got two great kids right in front of you and a new baby with the new husband isn't going to solve the sadness you feel. I think talking to a professional counselor will help you resolve the emptiness you are feeling. A baby isn't really the problem here. You need to discover yourself: it seems that a lot of your important life decisions have been made based upon other peoples thoughts, feelings and opinions. You've lost your own identity and a baby will not fix that.
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moodyblue
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,254
Location: Western Illinois
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 21:07:23 GMT
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Post by moodyblue on Jul 25, 2014 14:45:24 GMT
You said you were just whining, and didn't want tips or suggestions. But, have you read your own post? You have a lot in there about financial issues, and you say you are just making it but it's getting harder and harder. Realistically, how in the world do you expect to add the cost of another child into your budget? And the extra cost to get pregnant? How would that ever be paid for? When you talk about your mom or his dad "helping you" do you expect them to give you the money rather than loan it? They might be very reluctant to contribute to increasing your financial strains long-term.
I can feel your frustration and your regret at listening to others. Maybe some counseling would help you come to terms with past decisions.
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Post by Sparki on Jul 25, 2014 15:27:41 GMT
I read this right after it was posted, and had a knee-jerk reaction. I took a deep breath and walked away, and come back to see so many others have said it better. How do you think your children would feel if they knew you felt this way? You feel that they aren't 'enough' or 'good enough' and that another child would 'be better'? If I found out my mom said any of the things you said, I would sever ties on the spot. It also sounds like you really can't afford another child right now, no matter the circumstances. Again - others said it better.
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 25, 2014 16:04:03 GMT
I truly think money well spent would be for YOU to get counseling. I strongly think you need to understand why you feel the need to listen to and follow the advice/dictates of others in your life and allow their opinions to make you feel bad, from your ex to your mother to your current husband. In other words, do you see the pattern in your story? Do you see how your desire/need to be a people pleaser has/is negatively impacting your happiness in life? I agree. It sounds like you can't afford another child, you continue to rely on others to 'help you out' and it doesn't seem like your reasons to have a child are the best reasons.
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Post by Dixie Lou on Jul 25, 2014 16:10:54 GMT
I understand that feeling of unhappiness coupled with if only this could happen it would be all better. I am still praying for you and that you will feel peace soon.
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Post by NanaKate on Jul 25, 2014 16:16:20 GMT
I am sorry you are struggling with this issue...
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Post by tiffanyannhulsey on Jul 25, 2014 16:27:06 GMT
Oh, I was chomping at the bit to respond to this...until I read how well everyone else did.
You said, "We're making it now but it's getting harder and harder. I've been looking for a job but damn, it's hard." and are considering another child? WTF?
You have no job but are putting down the job of a mechanic? WTF?
Your mother had CANCER and you were taking money from her? WTF?
Your kids don't have motivation (They live with you! They see you getting hand outs.)so you have a new baby to have a "fresh chance"? WTF?
Please reread your post and get some help. You need to take better control of you life real fast!
(Sorry. My response is harsh but you need to have someone go "Dr. Phil" on your ass!)
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Post by peanuttle on Jul 25, 2014 16:32:27 GMT
From what it sounds like, you have financial issues and children are expensive. If you are having trouble coming up with the money for IVF, how are you going to afford a child? I know you and DH may want one, but it does not sound like the most responsible choice at this point.
I am sorry you are hurting, but sometimes things happen for a reason.
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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 25, 2014 16:35:22 GMT
(((hugs)))
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Jul 25, 2014 16:49:30 GMT
I am totally offended by your response that your ex is a mechanic - what the FUCK does that have to do with the price of tea in China??? My husband is an auto technician and he makes good money, he works HARD and ASE certified. You make it sound like being a "mechanic" is beneath your standards and worthless. Considering my husband's profession and what he does for a living. It totally pisses me off, my husband is the only one certified in the area to work on propane vehicles. You make it sound like a mechanic is beneath you. My husband works HARD at his job and it pisses me off that you make it sound like he is worthless, just my opinion. But honestly this opinion makes me not fond of you Un-fucking-clench. She was just saying that he could have been maybe a dr or a lawyer but instead HE decided to "settle" for a mechanic. Quite frankly, my husband works on autos every day and I didn't take offense at all. Quick kicking her while she's down. That makes ME not very fond of YOU. sheesh. OP, I was going to suggest adoption too. I have a friend who adopted a little boy from Korea. He's just the sweetest kid you'll ever meet. It's expensive but you know in the end you'll have a child (what if the IVF doesn't work and that $$ is gone?) Maybe you could try to foster for a while. I have friends (and there are peas) that got their little ones that way too. And lastly, don't blame it all on your ex. Your mom seemed to have really pushed you too. Stop depending on her to help you in any way and you'll find new independence you never dreamed of.
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