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Post by megs78 on Jan 10, 2016 8:25:26 GMT
I was like this for several months after my son died. When I expressed my dismay to my psychologist (I am normally a quite together, organised person and it was awful to feel so scattered and out of control), she said it was my brain protecting itself from the intensity of grief. From what I understand, it partially shuts down so that it doesn't have to process that raw, intense, initial grief every waking minute. It got better as I became more "used" to the feelings of grief and loss but there are days when I still need a series of mental post-it notes to remind me how to get dressed in the morning.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 12:52:31 GMT
It will get better. Slowly. Hold tight to the friends who are patient and understanding, and lose the ones who tell you not to talk about it. There's a lot more I could say, but I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed by all of you younger widows. ![:crying:](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/t4lmEAqHtTO6q6ksSmvP.jpg) It's not fair. I'm sorry. I am 22 (!!) years out, and I can tell you it gets easier but it never entirely goes away. Not for anyone I know, either, and I know a boatload of widows, unfortunately. lucyg you were quite young yourself when your husband passed. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg)
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 13:05:49 GMT
Jen, I think of you so often. Kind of goes like this. "I feel so bad today. This grief stuff sucks. I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't believe this is happening. But hang on, Jen's out there. And she's going through grief, and doing okay. At least, I think she is. She sure sounds like it. And her whole LIFE has been turned upside down. And she has to take care of her kids, and take over things her husband used to do, and. . . and. . . okay, it sucks. It all sucks. But her sucks is way bigger and suckier than my sucks. And she still takes the time to help me when I'm having a bad day." Something like that. Streams of consciousness are hard to write down. I'm having a sucky day. I hope your sucky days are getting fewer. Because you so, so deserve to be happy. This is a really weird post, and not at all about widow brain. Jen, you are what helps me get through things. If Jen can do it so can I. She has it way worse than I do and she is coping even if she is faking it! You are like a champion here! That's very kind Delta Dawn . There are good days, bad days, days that are good but a random thought will either catch me off guard or ruin my day. Right now I'm not loving all of the powerball talk that is prevalent everywhere. Last year the big hype with powerball was right after we received Fred's diagnosis and prognosis. We were told the severity and rarity of his particular type of cancer. And on TV there was all this chatter about the slim odds of winning the powerball. I looked at him and said "Great. We "won" the powerball." Now there's all this hype about the powerball again. My mother texted me, saying I should play. I immediately deleted that text. Just yesterday dd started talking about it. I said please don't ever talk to me about the powerball again. ETA I have no idea why I chose to dump this on my reply to you.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 13:21:37 GMT
Jen, I think of you so often. Kind of goes like this. "I feel so bad today. This grief stuff sucks. I don't want to go through this anymore. I can't believe this is happening. But hang on, Jen's out there. And she's going through grief, and doing okay. At least, I think she is. She sure sounds like it. And her whole LIFE has been turned upside down. And she has to take care of her kids, and take over things her husband used to do, and. . . and. . . okay, it sucks. It all sucks. But her sucks is way bigger and suckier than my sucks. And she still takes the time to help me when I'm having a bad day." Something like that. Streams of consciousness are hard to write down. I'm having a sucky day. I hope your sucky days are getting fewer. Because you so, so deserve to be happy. This is a really weird post, and not at all about widow brain. Wow and here I read your posts and think "Zella has it so much harder, at least his family isn't being so difficult." Well one sister is being stupid but nowhere near what you're dealing with. Pretty much the entire month of December was sucky. But somewhere around Jan 3 I noticed myself appreciating and seeing things to be thankful for. My entire mindset was changing. So I'm going to ride this wave as long as I can. While there is still sadness it's not debilitating. For now. Today will suck. It's our first practice for Easter Passion Play. DH was one of the leads. I'm not sure if I'm going to be in it this year but I'll take it one week at a time and see how it goes. In just a few weekends there are 2 dozen women going on a weekend retreat. I'm on the committee. While I'm able I'm putting a lot into this. It's giving me something to look forward to. However I already told the head that I may be of no use to anybody that actual week/weekend because that week last year is when things started going down. So I expect my emotions to be a hot mess. The other thing is, I refuse to commit to anything. I say I will do as much as I'm able. Well *I* say I'll do as much as God allows but I know that's not where you are. Some things I get to do everything. Some I can go so far and have to stop. Some it's a no go from the beginning. It all depends on circumstances, on the particular day or whatever. But I don't feel guilty for not being able to follow through because I make it clear up front. My kids are a different story. I do stuff for/with them whether I'm up to it or not. Like taking them to Hershey Park during Christmas break.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 13:26:10 GMT
If you've experienced this, can you tell me how long it lasted? Also if you have any stories you want to share. BTDT, got the tshirt and forgot where I put it. LOL! ![](http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/16/01/10/c685bdc5e8c245b7dfe82a02c1afd262.jpg) Incidentally, I saw this photo yesterday. When I just googled to find it, in google images was a refupea badge and my own profile pic. Because of my OP I'm sure. Lovely.
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Post by Heart on Jan 10, 2016 13:36:22 GMT
I know I'm not a widow, so my situation is different, but... the not sleeping, which had gone away for a while, came back. Over the past month several friends have lost close loved ones and they are coming to me for advice and comfort. My heart is exploding with their grief and mine, too. I wake up in the middle of the night with the heavy, pressing feeling I had the night before I last saw my mother. I haven't really told my husband and I am not sure if I will. I look fine on the outside but I am dealing with a terrible paralysis and can't seem to "DO" anything. it sucks. big hugs to all of you.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 14:00:29 GMT
I know I'm not a widow, so my situation is different, but... the not sleeping, which had gone away for a while, came back. Over the past month several friends have lost close loved ones and they are coming to me for advice and comfort. My heart is exploding with their grief and mine, too. I wake up in the middle of the night with the heavy, pressing feeling I had the night before I last saw my mother. I haven't really told my husband and I am not sure if I will. I look fine on the outside but I am dealing with a terrible paralysis and can't seem to "DO" anything. it sucks. big hugs to all of you. Heart I am so sorry. Now that you understand, you feel the pain of your friends more deeply. You are in deep grief yourself. Be gentle and think about maybe talking with your husband so he knows if you are not behaving or responding as you normally would, not to take it personally. Read this and maybe show it to him. I just found this article when I was responding to you. I'm going to add it to my OP. www.griefrecoverymethod.com/comment/14550
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Post by onlywork2scrap on Jan 10, 2016 15:01:36 GMT
My heart goes out to all that have lost their spouse. I can't even imagine how difficult it is, emotionally and when things come up that they would have taken care of. I say be good to yourselves. Try not to get too frustrated, although you have every right to be. If you need to talk or vent find a way to do that. Maybe a support group is for you. I fought going to my cancer support group and I learned more from them than some of my doctors. I also laughed a lot with them about things that only we would understand.
I just want to tell you that I think about you and hope the days and nights will get easier.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 18:46:31 GMT
she said it was my brain protecting itself from the intensity of grief. I 100% agree with her.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 18:48:20 GMT
Jen, you are what helps me get through things. If Jen can do it so can I. She has it way worse than I do and she is coping even if she is faking it! You are like a champion here! That's very kind Delta Dawn . There are good days, bad days, days that are good but a random thought will either catch me off guard or ruin my day. Right now I'm not loving all of the powerball talk that is prevalent everywhere. Last year the big hype with powerball was right after we received Fred's diagnosis and prognosis. We were told the severity and rarity of his particular type of cancer. And on TV there was all this chatter about the slim odds of winning the powerball. I looked at him and said "Great. We "won" the powerball." Now there's all this hype about the powerball again. My mother texted me, saying I should play. I immediately deleted that text. Just yesterday dd started talking about it. I said please don't ever talk to me about the powerball again. ETA I have no idea why I chose to dump this on my reply to you. I completely get it. Unfortunately.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 18:56:34 GMT
So far this year..... My SIL's sister died. Then her parrot died. Then her cat died. And then yesterday, a friend who was significant to getting my husband to the cemetery (via ambulance and not hearse) a couple of hours away died.
Today is only the 10th of Jan.
I have to keep stopping and telling myself that that isn't *my* life that's directly affected. IDK. I've gone through too many years where this was the pattern and I lost a lot of people important to me, so this is just hitting me harder iykwim.
*ETA - forgot to add that SIL and BIL are at the end of a divorce. BIL is the only one I have to call in emergency, and this actually *is* something that affects me directly.
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 19:00:55 GMT
My heart is exploding with their grief and mine, too. Yes! That's exactly how I feel today!
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Post by leftturnonly on Jan 10, 2016 19:07:57 GMT
I know I'm not a widow, so my situation is different, but... the not sleeping, which had gone away for a while, came back. Over the past month several friends have lost close loved ones and they are coming to me for advice and comfort. My heart is exploding with their grief and mine, too. I wake up in the middle of the night with the heavy, pressing feeling I had the night before I last saw my mother. I haven't really told my husband and I am not sure if I will. I look fine on the outside but I am dealing with a terrible paralysis and can't seem to "DO" anything. it sucks. big hugs to all of you. Heart I am so sorry. Now that you understand, you feel the pain of your friends more deeply. You are in deep grief yourself. Be gentle and think about maybe talking with your husband so he knows if you are not behaving or responding as you normally would, not to take it personally. Read this and maybe show it to him. I just found this article when I was responding to you. I'm going to add it to my OP. www.griefrecoverymethod.com/comment/14550From your link... I got that far and now I'm a blubbering mess. I'm going to go get that cup of coffee and stop posting 97 times in a row on this thread.
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 20:11:55 GMT
My heart goes out to all that have lost their spouse. I can't even imagine how difficult it is, emotionally and when things come up that they would have taken care of. I say be good to yourselves. Try not to get too frustrated, although you have every right to be. If you need to talk or vent find a way to do that. Maybe a support group is for you. I fought going to my cancer support group and I learned more from them than some of my doctors. I also laughed a lot with them about things that only we would understand. I just want to tell you that I think about you and hope the days and nights will get easier. Thank you
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Post by jenjie on Jan 10, 2016 20:16:30 GMT
So far this year..... My SIL's sister died. Then her parrot died. Then her cat died. And then yesterday, a friend who was significant to getting my husband to the cemetery (via ambulance and not hearse) a couple of hours away died. Today is only the 10th of Jan. I have to keep stopping and telling myself that that isn't *my* life that's directly affected. IDK. I've gone through too many years where this was the pattern and I lost a lot of people important to me, so this is just hitting me harder iykwim. *ETA - forgot to add that SIL and BIL are at the end of a divorce. BIL is the only one I have to call in emergency, and this actually *is* something that affects me directly. Oh man lefty I'm sorry. That is a lot. And dang as I looked around our thanksgiving table missing my husband, my dad and my stepmom's first husband all for the first time, the thought occurred to me that I might be feeling a little uncomfortable if I was a male in this family. And I understand. Somehow everything suddenly is all about me. Even the things that really are not about me.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 17:04:05 GMT
Back to share some more hare brained adventures! First was this, a few weeks ago. ![](http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160223/5afe14511816f8e9386977c41b980185.jpg) It's a good thing the saucepan wouldn't fit in the microwave or there would have been trouble! I turned to my kids and said what's wrong with this picture? They said "WHAT are you doing!!" Awesomely grief share was that night so I passed my phone around for show and tell. I went away with my girlfriends this weekend for a weekend retreat. I plugged my phone cord into my extension cord and went to plug it into the wall. Only I couldn't find the end of the plug. So I am feeding the cord through my fingers for what felt like 3 full minutes (my roommate validated me on this) only to discover that I plugged the two ends of the extension cord into each other! We cracked up laughing. The next evening I was sharing this story with the other girls and everyone laughed. The conversation moved on but then 5 minutes later, one of the girls is making the same motion with her hands like I did and starts laughing. Her sister looks at her and says "what are you doing? Jesus take the wheel?" And we both cracked up because I recognized she had just gotten what I was saying. I laughed a lot this weekend. If felt good.
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MDscrapaholic
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Post by MDscrapaholic on Feb 23, 2016 17:12:20 GMT
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scrappington
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Post by scrappington on Feb 23, 2016 18:07:27 GMT
It's been 6 years and my memory never 100percent came back. I was 31 when it happened. I figure my memory is about 90percent what it used to be. It was very bad for awhile. It took awhile. I'm sorry that you have to go thru this.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 23, 2016 18:08:06 GMT
I'm sorry Jenjie. I can't blame mine on anything other than overload and preoccupation. I had a chance to meet up with a friend this week, and then we decided to grab a quick lunch. We stood in the parking lot and decided where to go, separate cars. I was walking across the restaurant parking lot before I remembered we'd decided on "the other place". Duh Embarrassing to admit, but I hope it makes you feel you're not alone I agree, this has happened to me many times when my stress level is overwhelming or I am preoccupied with something seriously life changing. Also, it has happened to me when I was not eating right or drinking pop and junk. Prayers for you sweet Jenjie..... hugs.......hugs...
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Post by leslie132 on Feb 23, 2016 18:30:21 GMT
Gentle Hugs!!!
I remember those months of brain drain as I referred to them. When my daughter died I wasn't allowed to drive for the first 3 weeks. My doctor said I would never have had the a ability to hold focus. I thought he was full of it. Until I would find myself walking my house room to room with no idea of why or what I needed. Meals were thawed and then left sitting out, I drove (after those 3 weeks) to wrong destinations, and I always got appointment times wrong.
These moments will pass. But as you heal please don't put pressure on yourself or feel that this isn't normal. It is and you ARE. Be proud of how well you are doing and how much support you are giving your children. I'm thinking you have an angel above watching your daily routine and that angel knows you are doing terrific!
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Post by peabay on Feb 23, 2016 18:33:11 GMT
Mine isn't widow brain, but orphan brain. My sisters and I are totally wiped out from my mom's death 3 months ago. None of us feel like we can make a decision or function at our optimal level. It's awful. I feel like I'm exhausted all the time.
I'm sorry for the rest of you who are grieving as well. It's awful.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 23, 2016 18:43:37 GMT
jenjie I am so happy, as always, that you have such a wonderful sense of humor! Maybe there is caregiver brain, too...last week I poured milk in my Keurig. Thank goodness I realized it quickly and unplugged the machine.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 19:58:18 GMT
It's been 6 years and my memory never 100percent came back. I was 31 when it happened. I figure my memory is about 90percent what it used to be. It was very bad for awhile. It took awhile. I'm sorry that you have to go thru this. Wow I'm sorry. ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg)
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Post by yivit on Feb 23, 2016 19:59:11 GMT
Not sure why I didn't see this thread when it originally appeared, but I'm seeing it now. ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/MNrJDkDuSwqIMVw33MdD.jpg) I'm almost 2.5 years out and I don't know how much of it is widow brain, work stress (the contract I'm on is getting split up and the new one is supposed to start in April but they haven't awarded the contract for my group yet), getting older (54 next month), or a combination of those - I seem to regularly put something in the microwave then forget it's there for hours (fortunately it's usually just coffee I'm heating up), walk into a room and promptly forget why I was going in, miss turns to places I've driven to on a regular basis for a long time, lose track of time to leave to go somewhere, and the list goes on. It pisses me off because I'm normally (or at least used to be) a pretty organized and EARLY (anally so) person who could multitask like nobody's business. I've lost MIL (2012), DH (2013), grandmother (2014) and dad (2015). I'm just hoping I can get through 2016 without a major loss.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 20:01:33 GMT
Gentle Hugs!!! I remember those months of brain drain as I referred to them. When my daughter died I wasn't allowed to drive for the first 3 weeks. My doctor said I would never have had the a ability to hold focus. I thought he was full of it. Until I would find myself walking my house room to room with no idea of why or what I needed. Meals were thawed and then left sitting out, I drove (after those 3 weeks) to wrong destinations, and I always got appointment times wrong. These moments will pass. But as you heal please don't put pressure on yourself or feel that this isn't normal. It is and you ARE. Be proud of how well you are doing and how much support you are giving your children. I'm thinking you have an angel above watching your daily routine and that angel knows you are doing terrific! Ahhhh honey ![:(](//storage.proboards.com/5645536/images/mYSUyHtG9Jrcmm_ydVcK.jpg)
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 20:31:35 GMT
Big hugs to you peabay. I'm so sorry.
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 20:32:51 GMT
jenjie I am so happy, as always, that you have such a wonderful sense of humor! Maybe there is caregiver brain, too...last week I poured milk in my Keurig. Thank goodness I realized it quickly and unplugged the machine. LOL No you did not!!!!
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Post by jenjie on Feb 23, 2016 20:36:37 GMT
yivit you're making me feel a tiny bit better! I'm sorry it's been an extremely difficult several years for you. Hoping with you for a better 2016.
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Post by mikklynn on Feb 23, 2016 21:05:03 GMT
yivit I hope you have a better year. You have been through enough.
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Post by christine58 on Feb 23, 2016 23:48:32 GMT
Mine isn't widow brain, but orphan brain. My sisters and I are totally wiped out from my mom's death 3 months ago. None of us feel like we can make a decision or function at our optimal level. It's awful. I feel like I'm exhausted all the time. I'm sorry for the rest of you who are grieving as well. It's awful. I am so sorry...has your dad passed also??? (making you an orphan??)
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