|
Post by Yubon Peatlejuice on Jul 27, 2014 1:22:40 GMT
Wow, aren't you a peach. I bet your DH's family just love you to pieces. Or not.
What is YOUR purpose in life? I mean, besides going to Derek Hough concerts and creaming your panties? You might want to concentrate on your own purpose in life before commenting on others.
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 13:27:08 GMT
I wanted to say that I am so sorry you are going through this - I've been through some version of it, and it's ugly - stress, guilt, anger, sadness, all of it. it just sucks. I started to reply with the first thing that came to my mind when I read your post, but I by no means am implying YOU need to learn something from this situation, so I hope to present it and you take it in the innocent way it's intended....which was that maybe the reason she's still here isn't for her, it's for someone else's benefit - maybe to teach compassion, or patience, or....that something needs to be done about the greater picture, as stated in the OP. Maybe a nurse, or other caretaker will be touched by this situation and see the light to know that something needs to be done for other patients in similar circumstances and this is the catalyst to get that ball rolling...we don't know who we touch or influence in our lives, or what aspect of it may do the influencing, but I feel that every situation/experience has something to be gleaned from it, something has to be awakened in us, for that situation to have not been in vain. Sometimes we get lucky and can see immediately the reasons why, sometimes we never do. Sometimes it's not about us at all, we just happen to be the witness, bystander, or whatever. I know it's no comfort or consolation to hear that, I just wanted to let you know I feel for you. Thanks for feeling for me.....I AM a nurse, FTR. And occasionally work with Alzheimer's type patients. The fact that this is NOT my mother and the fact that we did NOT get along prior to her developing Alzheimer's disease makes it THAT much harder. Her memory loss frustrates my DH to no end. And when I try to talk to him about her, he gets very angry and refuses to talk about it. She NEEDS to be placed in a LTC facility for EVERYONES sake!! He won't HEAR of it! It's stressing ALL of us out. And it's taken a HUGE TOLL on my marriage
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 13:35:22 GMT
Wow, aren't you a peach. I bet your DH's family just love you to pieces. Or not. What is YOUR purpose in life? I mean, besides going to Derek Hough concerts and creaming your panties? You might want to concentrate on your own purpose in life before commenting on others. Well, I see the bitch is back! I haven't even said HALF the stuff that's occurred between MIL and myself. You have NO idea what I've dealt with these last 15 years my dear. I work a full time job. I've survived cancer among other things. And no I didn't cream my panties when I met Derek. Sheesh, get a life. My MIL has an older daughter who also has 3 kids and 6 grandchildren who have NOTHING to do with my MIL unless we beg my SIL to take her mother to a hairdresser appt. Other than that, me, DH and BIL do EVERYTHING ELSE. DH and BIL are trying to avoid having to put MIL in a nursing home because they are afraid that that will be the end of her, taking her out of the home she's lived in for 55 years. In addition, keeping her out of the nursing home, keeps her pension and SSI checks in her checking account so when she does die, THEY ALL get a bigger inheritance. So actually, I am SUPPORTING their mother as we pay ALL the bills, utilities, taxes, etc and she lives here for free. I'm sure my SIL is perfectly happy in allowing me to continue to let her mother live here. I KNOW she doesn't want her at her house. Same with BIL. And as I said, SIL's children and grandchildren have NOTHING to do with their grandmother What do YOU suggest I do? So much for a nicer gentler board! Thanks to whomever peatlejuiced her back here...it was a nice place till she showed up. I know what my purpose is. Apparently YOURS is to be a raging cunt...guess some things never change!
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 13:40:34 GMT
You do have choices that can already be put in place now. Living Wills, Advanced Directives, DNR statutes should all be taken care of now so that when you reach a certain point, heroic measure won't be taken. But to outright request euthanasia or deferred suicide at a certain age is not ethical at this point in our society. You can't fairly place the ending of your life just based on your age onto others even if it is your choice. As a nurse, I can't TELL you how many times I've seen family members OVERRIDE a living will/advanced directive that was already in place when the person was of sound mind! It's perfectly legal. I have seen a doctor at my own facility talk a family into overriding it right in front of me. So I had to start CPR on an 80 something patient who didn't want anything done and in the end...it didn't change the outcome. So honestly, Living Wills aren't worth the paper they are written on and it's perfectly legal for a family to override them. I say it ought to be illegal for family to do that. And until it is...I'm going to be taking care of 80 or 90 something year old people on a ventilator with a feeding tube when that's NOT what they wanted.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:18:28 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 13:45:34 GMT
. I believe God has a purpose for us, even if we don't see it or like it. So, what is my 91 year old MIL's purpose? To annoy me and my DH(her son) and my son??? Her DH died over 22 years ago. She's got Alzheimers. She does nothing but sit in a chair or lie on the couch all day, stare out the window and sleep. She drives us nuts with the non-stop asking of whether or not the dog was fed. It's the SAME THING EVERY DAY! And I only wish I was kidding. She doesn't want to go anywhere. Most of the time, she can't tell you what day it is. Physically she can move, walk, feed herself and wipe her own butt. Her sons aren't ready to place her in a nursing home and her daughter has little to do with her. She has not ever said she's ready to die....with MY luck though, she'll be the one that will live to be 110 Wow. My Dad has dementia and gets worse everyday, but never in a million years of asking the same thing over and over will he be an annoyance. What a god awful thing for you to say. As for you being a nurse I really hope you manage to show your patients some compassion.
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 13:51:23 GMT
Wow. My Dad has dementia and gets worse everyday, but never in a million years of asking the same thing over and over will he be an annoyance. What a god awful thing for you to say. As for you being a nurse I really hope you manage to show your patients some compassion. DO YOU LIVE with your Dad?? I LIVE with my MIL. BIG difference. MIL & I didn't get along before she got Alzheimer's disease...this doesn't help. And yes..every day, all day...it IS annoying. And Yes, I am a very good nurse but thanks for trying to dog me on that. Please, I don't need handslaps. If you go through this yourself..maybe you could show ME some compassion??
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:18:28 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 13:56:48 GMT
I am going through it, I left my husband and home in Ireland to come and care for my parents in February. My Dad is in hospital after a major aggressive incident where he punched me in the face. I still don't after all that consider him to be an annoyance. He's ill, scarily, irretrievably ill. He won't get better and it's heartbreaking, soul destroying but not annoying.
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 14:28:17 GMT
Is he mobile? MIL can still get around and she literally will ask you the same thing within a minute time span. It's unbelievably frustrating. MIL has even tried to hit my son in her moments of frustration. Sorry but that's not acceptable to me..at all. I guess I would feel differently if this were my own mother but as I said, it's not.
I am very sorry for your Dad and I hope he can be at peace. Hugs to you.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:18:28 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 14:54:02 GMT
Is he mobile? MIL can still get around and she literally will ask you the same thing within a minute time span. It's unbelievably frustrating. MIL has even tried to hit my son in her moments of frustration. Sorry but that's not acceptable to me..at all. I guess I would feel differently if this were my own mother but as I said, it's not. I am very sorry for your Dad and I hope he can be at peace. Hugs to you. Yes he's mobile, he can still manage all aspects of his personal care but he's just not himself anymore. He's currently reliving things from 30 years ago as if they were happening now. Physical aggression is not acceptable to me either, my Dad was mortified when he realised what he had done and couldn't stop crying, but as a symtom of his illness I can totally forgive him and move passed it. I apologise for my earlier remarks, this situation is extremely stressful for everyone. I hope you find some peace in your own situation.
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 15:04:43 GMT
Thank you. We have MIL on some medications but her sons about REFUSE to take her back to the Dr and see about putting her on any more. DH is frustrating because HE won't deal with the situation either. when I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry at me. Like this is MY fault somehow? MIL doesn't remember having done anything and what is frustrating with her is that she doesn't own up to her behavior. She won't admit that she is forgetful and cops an attitude about it with all of us. When we talk to her in a normal tone of voice, she says she can't hear us so we talk louder and then she gets mad at us for yelling at her....can't win.
It's a daily issue....I deal with it the best I can and mostly it's frustrating. Sigh....I feel that BIL and DH hope that MIL will pass quietly in her sleep at home. I've told them that isn't the reality for most people.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:18:28 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2014 15:19:23 GMT
I am guilty of this too, when my Dad was first diagnosed I went in to total denial mode. The reality was just too awful to deal with, I got angry and upset with family members who wanted to discuss it and shut myself off from them. As his condition worsened though I realised I wasn't helping in any shape or form and had to kick myself up the arse and deal with reality. It's hard! How long has this situation been going on for? My Dad hasn't accepted he has dementia, he thinks we're all lying to him and have locked him away (in hospital) to punish him for something. It's beyond sad.
|
|
|
Post by OSUBuckeyeFan on Jul 27, 2014 15:24:47 GMT
Almost 2 years at least. MIL totally denies that she has Alzheimer's. when I told her, she looked at me like I had two heads. Guess good ole doc needs to tell her himself. It IS sad. She's said many times that there's no way in HELL she's going to a nursing home.
|
|
craftchickapowpow
Full Member
My Circus My Monkeys
Posts: 206
Jun 26, 2014 16:12:18 GMT
|
Post by craftchickapowpow on Jul 27, 2014 15:54:49 GMT
Wow, aren't you a peach. I bet your DH's family just love you to pieces. Or not. What is YOUR purpose in life? I mean, besides going to Derek Hough concerts and creaming your panties? You might want to concentrate on your own purpose in life before commenting on others. Well, I see the bitch is back! I haven't even said HALF the stuff that's occurred between MIL and myself. You have NO idea what I've dealt with these last 15 years my dear. I work a full time job. I've survived cancer among other things. And no I didn't cream my panties when I met Derek. Sheesh, get a life. My MIL has an older daughter who also has 3 kids and 6 grandchildren who have NOTHING to do with my MIL unless we beg my SIL to take her mother to a hairdresser appt. Other than that, me, DH and BIL do EVERYTHING ELSE. DH and BIL are trying to avoid having to put MIL in a nursing home because they are afraid that that will be the end of her, taking her out of the home she's lived in for 55 years. In addition, keeping her out of the nursing home, keeps her pension and SSI checks in her checking account so when she does die, THEY ALL get a bigger inheritance. So actually, I am SUPPORTING their mother as we pay ALL the bills, utilities, taxes, etc and she lives here for free. I'm sure my SIL is perfectly happy in allowing me to continue to let her mother live here. I KNOW she doesn't want her at her house. Same with BIL. And as I said, SIL's children and grandchildren have NOTHING to do with their grandmother What do YOU suggest I do? So much for a nicer gentler board! Thanks to whomever peatlejuiced her back here...it was a nice place till she showed up. I know what my purpose is. Apparently YOURS is to be a raging cunt...guess some things never change! Calling Yubon a "raging cunt" while you bitch that her post ruining the "nicer gentler board" is really pretty ironic don't you think?
|
|
|
Post by gar on Jul 27, 2014 16:12:18 GMT
MIL doesn't remember having done anything and what is frustrating with her is that she doesn't own up to her behavior. She won't admit that she is forgetful and cops an attitude about it with all of us. When we talk to her in a normal tone of voice, she says she can't hear us so we talk louder and then she gets mad at us for yelling at her....can't win. Own up to her behaviour??? You know that she has little or no control over her behaviour now and most likely doesn't know she's forgetful? I get that you're seriously stressed in your situation and that you didn't get on well before she was ill - but she IS ill. This illness can make the most mild mannered and logical person obstructive and angry - but they can't help it
|
|
MaryC
Full Member
Posts: 213
Jun 25, 2014 21:52:55 GMT
|
Post by MaryC on Jul 27, 2014 16:15:17 GMT
My dad was 94 when he passed, and his living will and advanced directive had been in place for years, updated any time the law changed in our state, and I had copies on file with his doctor, the nursing home, the ambulance service, and in his medical records at the area hospital. Even with all that, the ER doctor asked me if we wanted him put on a ventilator and wanted a code. I said no, my dad had already made his decision and it would be respected. Then the doctor asked me if I realized dad would be dead in minutes if we didn't put him on a vent. Fortunately my dad had given me his health care proxy and durable power of attorney - if he'd given it to my sister, I know she would have caved at that point and put him on a vent. I had to produce copies of the proxy paperwork and threaten to call the hospital administration to get the doctor to back off.
Don't assume having a living will and advanced directive will be enough to protect you - give a durable power of attorney and health care proxy to someone you can trust to actually follow through with your wishes even under pressure. If that person is your spouse, make sure you have an alternate designated in case you and your spouse are injured at the same time.
|
|
|
Post by christine58 on Jul 27, 2014 16:22:08 GMT
Would your DH and BIL agree to bring in some help into your house to help?? She cannot own up to her behavior if she does not remember it. You're in a lose lose situation. What would happen if YOU stepped out of this situation all together?? Let DH and BIL care for her?? She probably would do so much better in an Alzheimer's living situation
|
|
|
Post by ktdoesntscrap on Jul 27, 2014 16:47:43 GMT
You do have choices that can already be put in place now. Living Wills, Advanced Directives, DNR statutes should all be taken care of now so that when you reach a certain point, heroic measure won't be taken. But to outright request euthanasia or deferred suicide at a certain age is not ethical at this point in our society. You can't fairly place the ending of your life just based on your age onto others even if it is your choice. it is really important to put these in place before you need them. Because if you are in a hospital they will take heroic measures even if you and your family don't want them. I think if a person is of sound mind and wants a non-violent way to end their life because they are in pain that a doctor should be able to legally help them.
|
|
back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
|
Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 27, 2014 18:37:53 GMT
OSUBuckeyeFan I think you are in a very difficult situation. Your husband and his family leaving the care of your MIL mostly up to you probably because you are a nurse is simply not fair. Your frustration and anger is understandable, hopefully you can channel it into a change in the situation before it effects your health. Take care. To answer the OP, I think we should be able to choose. When my mother was dying she had a living will with a clear intention of DNR. She was not elderly, but was in a lot of pain in the end. She was given morphine to "keep her comfortable" but it really began the process of shutting down her organs. When my husbands dad passed he had Parkinson's, Alzheimer's and a massive stroke. He was bedridden in a vegetative state for years. When his time came my MIL did everything possible to keep him alive including a feeding tube. I tried to talk to my husband about not letting the extraordinary procedures to take place but he shut me right down. Even this many years later, we cannot discuss this rationally.
For this reason, I have a Living Will that is clear. When my son comes of age, I will talk to him and make my wishes clear. I don't think my husband will follow my wishes so I will have to change things when the time comes.
|
|
|
Post by melanell on Jul 28, 2014 0:37:43 GMT
I'm so sorry, and I agree with your thoughts about it. my own FIL lost his mother to suicide. He was the one who found her. Her death pretty much destroyed her family. I think it was the shock and feelings of guilt that were just as difficult as her being gone. I believe that other countries have panels who look over the cases where someone is requesting to be able to end their life. They can help those who really just need help in life, or they can choose to assist those who really are suffering from severe lack of quality to their life due to advanced medical issues.
|
|
|
Post by melanell on Jul 28, 2014 0:39:44 GMT
I just want to clarify that I do not mean that someone should end their life based on their age alone. Not at all. I am strictly thinking of cases when people are not expected to live much longer and are likely to suffer greatly before death finally arrives for them.
|
|
|
Post by melanell on Jul 28, 2014 0:41:51 GMT
Thank you. We have MIL on some medications but her sons about REFUSE to take her back to the Dr and see about putting her on any more. DH is frustrating because HE won't deal with the situation either. when I try to talk to him about it, he gets angry at me. Like this is MY fault somehow? MIL doesn't remember having done anything and what is frustrating with her is that she doesn't own up to her behavior. She won't admit that she is forgetful and cops an attitude about it with all of us. When we talk to her in a normal tone of voice, she says she can't hear us so we talk louder and then she gets mad at us for yelling at her....can't win. It's a daily issue....I deal with it the best I can and mostly it's frustrating. Sigh....I feel that BIL and DH hope that MIL will pass quietly in her sleep at home. I've told them that isn't the reality for most people. It sounds like you all need to find someone to teach you how to better deal with her. She can't help the things that she is doing that are so upsetting to you. Perhaps if you better understand how her illness works and what ways are best to deal with her, life may improve for all of you.
|
|
|
Post by Charlotte on Jul 28, 2014 0:46:51 GMT
This thread is difficult to read and keep a dry eye. I have to agree with this.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 8:18:28 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 1:27:04 GMT
Should you be able to choose to end your life once you have reached a certain age in life? Yes, undoubtedly. I actually think that you should be able to do it at any age, though. Who am I to say that someone else must suffer? I think that a mandatory waiting period (so someone doesn't do it rashly) and proof that you have put your affairs in order should be required, but I think that anyone should be able to choose to die painlessly and humanely if they desire. I agree-100%
|
|