|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 14:29:57 GMT
I'm slowly doing better. We went school shopping for DD yesterday and I managing to eat 2 tacos a and a small quesadilla at Qdoba then a small salad last night. DD said she is relieved for him too be gone. There has been so much stress over the past year with the finances and his depression, it had taken a larger toll on her than I realized. I was so focused on my own school and doing what I could to make sure bills got paid, that there was more than STBX's straying that I'd overlooked.
A weird thing happened on Thursday. I realized the slut was much younger than me being that she was only 19, but it just occurred to me after this that she is only 5 years older than DD. A girl that is 2 yrs older than DD that used to ride her bus and take gymnastics with her tagged me in a 2 yr old picture of DD on the school bus. At the time I thought it was odd but didn't realize until I was stalking the slut's facebook page the next day that this girl and the slut are friends! I started going through her photos and the slut and DD have several mutual acquaintances and DD will be starting the same high school this year that slut just graduated from in 2013! When I picked DD up from her cousin's house that day, her uncle called the douchebag to ask some questions about the car because its burning oil. I asked to talk to him, he still denies everything, but I told him I didn't care just to make sure any young person he had been around in the past year better know to keep our kid and her name out of this whole situation and he'd better nip it in the bud, that if she is approached by anyone at school or something happens to embarrass her there will be hell to pay for all involved. This really upset me all evening and finally I talked to DD about it, she had already looked at the slut's facebook acct before I had and realized the same thing and said she didn't care because they were the ones that had done wrong and that were nothing but trash and she didn't care about those people. I know this is so hard for her and I'm mind blown by how maturely she is handling everything.
I also found out from an acquaintance that the slut is definitely badly addicted to pills and that 3 weeks ago she was jumped by 3 girls and had the tar beat out of her, don't know the reason for that but I'm wondering if STBX was around and if he really injured his knee trying to break something up. At a low point Friday night I sent the slut a message on FB and simply asked how long she'd been sleeping with my husband. I probably shouldn't have done that, but I have exhibited mass amounts of self control to this point and this was my slip. The next day she had blocked me on FB as well as the acct in sleazebag's real name. Oddly, when I tried to talk to him about getting the remainder of his belongings that had been rained on all week he was inexplicably furious with me, told me to stop trying to call or talk to him, and threatened to get an EPO. He refuses to answer my calls or FB messages, so the only times I've been able to communicate with him have been pulling up in front of the house where he's been (twice) or having a family member brought into it to give him a message. I told him if he would get his junk off my property it would be done. So he finally borrowed a car from his uncle and got all but some fishing rods and a speaker box yesterday. He still has a bunch of chickens here that I can't take care of, I've given him a week to do something with them before I give them away - I know someone who will take them all. He was awfully somber when he returned the car - we were waiting for him to get back so we wouldn't be at the house at the same time - he never spoke to me, but stood in front of the porch talking to uncle for longer than he has thus far. Maybe seeing all his things bagged up and having to tell the dog goodbye finally hit him with some remorse.
So I'm thinking, with the timing, and him being livid with no real explanation yesterday, the slut probably wants nothing to do with him now. Good for her. He had only been FB friends with her under the fake name since June 22, so I don't think he'd been seeing her seriously very long.
I need to get in touch with legal aid this week and I've been searching for a suitable rental. If I can find something I may take out another student loan to cover rent for the next year. I can filter out the last of his belongings as we pack up and be free of him. He has no income or transportation and DD doesn't want to see him, so there is no real reason for me to have to have any contact with him again until court, unless she changes her mind. I'm sure there will still be things to come out of the woodwork, but I'm hoping it will be minimal.
|
|
YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
|
Post by YooHoot on Jul 27, 2014 14:36:30 GMT
19? How old is your dh? I can guarantee this thing won't last. Holy mid-life crisis! Sounds like you are getting things done. Good for you!
|
|
|
Post by mommaho on Jul 27, 2014 14:38:07 GMT
You are extremely amazing and I'm glad you are making life better for you and your DD. I would have had his things on the lawn (in the rain) well before now!
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 14:38:55 GMT
He's 34, but made himself a year older on FB?? DD is 14, and to beat all I'm 33 but still get carded and ppl very often think I'm 10 years younger.
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 14:43:04 GMT
You are extremely amazing and I'm glad you are making life better for you and your DD. I would have had his things on the lawn (in the rain) well before now! There has been so much divorce in our family that I've never taken marriage lightly. DD was 2 years old before I finally agreed to marry him. Almost all of our problems have been centered around his depression that he wouldn't get treatment for, and we both come from very broken families so I understood his pain and tried to be there for him. My 2 deal breakers are abuse (he has never laid so much as a finger on me) and infidelity, and I caught him crossing the line. It was 30 minutes between me finding the incriminating messages and having him on the road. So once he crossed it, I was on warp speed.
|
|
|
Post by momofkandn on Jul 27, 2014 14:50:23 GMT
What a douchebag! Not only has he hurt you beyond measure but his choice of ho is unbelievable. I am so sorry for your DD. It sounds like she is putting up a brave front but high school is hard. She doesn't need this added crap. You both sound like amazing women and I have all the confidence in the world that you will weather this. Take care of each other and let the sleazeball take care of himself. Keep the lines of communication as open as you possibly can with your DD. And if at all possible, you could probably both benefit from some counselling. At a minimum, let the high school counselor know your daughter's home life situation so there's a heads up if she encounters any issues.
I'm glad he finally got most of his crap. And you are right on with the thought that his angry behavior is probably related to having a falling out with his child-mistress. I know that my ex is always sad and regretful when he's broken up with his mistress. But then totally ignores me and the kids when he's with her. They break up and make up on a pretty predictable cycle.
Focus on building a new life with your daughter. It will be hard but the rewards will be huge! You can do this!
|
|
|
Post by greenlegume on Jul 27, 2014 14:52:38 GMT
I know that you're really raw right now, but I just have to go ahead and say this. You need to stop focusing on that girl, and turn all your energy toward making things ok for you and your daughter. It's totally understandable to be consumed with all of it right at first, but knowing all the details of this person's sleazy life is not going to help you in any way. It won't tell you why, and it won't make things any easier to understand or to bear.
Yeah, contacting her on FB was a mistake. Honestly, I'd shut you and your daughter's FB down if I were you-that's just drama that you and your daughter don't need. Nothing good comes of FB during big personal crises. Seriously. Those close to you and who are there for you already know how to contact you.
Living well really is the best revenge. How well you're doing will get back to him without the help of FB.
Keep eating and taking care of yourself!
|
|
|
Post by mommaho on Jul 27, 2014 14:54:05 GMT
As you should have been! My practice husband was not faithful. I was very naive and shocked when I caught him - the next day he had moved out and took everything but my clothes and the bills. I guess I wish I had the opportunity to put him out!
Hugs -
|
|
gloryjoy
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,332
Jun 26, 2014 12:35:32 GMT
|
Post by gloryjoy on Jul 27, 2014 14:57:40 GMT
I know that you are going thru all the stages, but I totally agree with the above statement.
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 15:06:45 GMT
I know that you're really raw right now, but I just have to go ahead and say this. You need to stop focusing on that girl, and turn all your energy toward making things ok for you and your daughter. It's totally understandable to be consumed with all of it right at first, but knowing all the details of this person's sleazy life is not going to help you in any way. It won't tell you why, and it won't make things any easier to understand or to bear. Yeah, contacting her on FB was a mistake. Honestly, I'd shut you and your daughter's FB down if I were you-that's just drama that you and your daughter don't need. Nothing good comes of FB during big personal crises. Seriously. Those close to you and who are there for you already know how to contact you. Living well really is the best revenge. How well you're doing will get back to him without the help of FB. Keep eating and taking care of yourself! Yeah, I'm done with it. The crowd she's a part of is no where near the type that I associate with, so I as long as I don't see her somewhere in our small town, I should have no reason to even hear her name. I think I did pretty good by not hunting her down in the past 5 days and ripping her hair off her head , especially considering the fact that she lives half a mile from the cousins DD has been spending so much time with this summer. There are a few cliches that sadly apply to STBX and dogs: you don't shit where you eat, you don't bite the hand that feeds you, and you've made your bed so now you can lay in it. I feel bad for insulting dogs.
|
|
|
Post by momofkandn on Jul 27, 2014 15:14:52 GMT
I know that you're really raw right now, but I just have to go ahead and say this. You need to stop focusing on that girl, and turn all your energy toward making things ok for you and your daughter. It's totally understandable to be consumed with all of it right at first, but knowing all the details of this person's sleazy life is not going to help you in any way. It won't tell you why, and it won't make things any easier to understand or to bear. Yeah, contacting her on FB was a mistake. Honestly, I'd shut you and your daughter's FB down if I were you-that's just drama that you and your daughter don't need. Nothing good comes of FB during big personal crises. Seriously. Those close to you and who are there for you already know how to contact you. Living well really is the best revenge. How well you're doing will get back to him without the help of FB. Keep eating and taking care of yourself! For the most part, I agree with this as well. But there will be some information in the future that you will need to know for the sake of your daughter and even from a legal standpoint. Just remember that you can't unknow something once you see it. So make sure any details you go searching for are ones you NEED to know, not stuff you want to know. For example, until he asks for an overnight visit or custody of your daughter, you don't need to know who he is living with or his mental state. You will need to know his current address to provide to your attorney for divorce stuff. But you don't need to know how many times a week his mistress comes over unless you claim adultery in the divorce. You get the idea. On surviving infidelity they talk about no contact equaling no new hurts. And it works. You should have no contact with him unless you absolutely have to regarding your DD or finances. Block him on facebook, block her. Let your daughter decide if she wants to block him but she's old enough for you to explain your reasons to her. Don't engage with him when you have to see him in person. In fact, try to avoid seeing him in person if at all possible. And don't respond to any accusations he throws your way. Cheaters definitely have a handbook and one thing they all do is make their betrayed spouse out to be the bad guy. They have to blame someone and certainly won't blame themselves for the destruction befalling their lives. Prepare yourself for him to treat you like you're the devil. Some do it for a long time, others just for a little bursts. But it almost always happens. As far as your slip and looking at her FB stuff, don't sweat it. You've just confirmed what you probably already know. They always affair down. You are thousands of times better than her, no need to keep stalking her to reaffirm that. Stay focused on you!
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 15:22:28 GMT
|
|
back to *pea*ality
Pearl Clutcher
Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
Posts: 3,149
Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
|
Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 27, 2014 15:30:22 GMT
Keep thinking about your dreams and the life you want to live. Your anger is justified but don't let it consume you.
|
|
|
Post by momofkandn on Jul 27, 2014 15:31:20 GMT
He is just clueless and living in his own little world. What an ass!! Ask him to contact you via email or text going forward. You'll still get pissed but at least you'll have a chance to calm down before you respond. You did great with the above and answered perfectly. But at this point you don't even want him to know you're mad. And you can't keep that anger out of your voice. If you respond via email or text, you can make sure all emotion is left out. To him you want to exude complete indifference. Let him know he has no more control over your emotions. They hate that. Like little children they sometimes just want the attention. Even if it's negative.
|
|
anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,402
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
|
Post by anniebygaslight on Jul 27, 2014 15:42:49 GMT
Sounds like you are well rid of him, and that he deserves everything coming his way.
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 15:44:05 GMT
He is just clueless and living in his own little world. What an ass!! Ask him to contact you via email or text going forward. You'll still get pissed but at least you'll have a chance to calm down before you respond. You did great with the above and answered perfectly. But at this point you don't even want him to know you're mad. And you can't keep that anger out of your voice. If you respond via email or text, you can make sure all emotion is left out. To him you want to exude complete indifference. Let him know he has no more control over your emotions. They hate that. Like little children they sometimes just want the attention. Even if it's negative. He doesn't have a cell phone or access to a computer, that's why he wants the ipod. But I was completely monotone during the conversation, it was very few words.
|
|
|
Post by momofkandn on Jul 27, 2014 15:47:20 GMT
Even better, now he can't contact you at all.
|
|
|
Post by roundtwo on Jul 27, 2014 16:23:13 GMT
So so true. I don't know where they find the handbook but it is incredible how they all pretty much follow the same script. I suppose it makes it easy for us to know what will come next and learn how best to respond to the craziness. You're doing great and we're all cheering for you and your daughter!
|
|
|
Post by Lexica on Jul 27, 2014 16:32:02 GMT
You know, I'd let him have the ipod too. As long as it isn't something that your daughter wants or would be using again. If it is hers, as in was a gift to her, she is the one who gets to make the decision, but I would let him have it.
Why? Because he may claim that it is the only way he has of remaining in contact with his child. Which, is basically true, right? He will need access to email to apply for a job. You want him working so he can pay child support. Additionally, it is better for you if he contacts you via email instead of phone or coming over. It also gives you a written record of anything he says should he turn spiteful in the future. And lastly, you need to show him that you are beyond him now. His little dalliance with these incredibly too-young-for-him girls is no longer a thought occupying your head. You have moved on already.
I did that with my ex fiance. I even took off the engagement ring and told him to go ahead and offer it to her. He flipped out and said he would never marry her. I said that wasn't my business, my issue was I didn't want the ring because it had zero meaning to me anymore. He was really crushed. I didn't want it. I gave him back everything that had any emotional meaning for me over the years we were together. He kept asking me to keep them. I said I wanted nothing in my home that would remind me of him. I just wanted a clean break. And I didn't answer any of his phone calls, emails, letters, or the notes he put on my door in the middle of the night. In my case, I could cut ties that thoroughly because we were not yet married, you cannot, especially because of your daughter. But you can cut them to the extent you are able to. Toss him the stuff, shake your head at how pathetic and unhealthy he is, and move on.
And don't ask his family about him. Any contact you have can be through email and your attorney. Imagine him asking a family member something about you and having them be able to say, I don't know, she never talks about you. The less contact you have, the faster you will heal and get on to your new life. You have already given him plenty of years. Don't give him one more day. You are a new woman who is going places in life.
You had the one little backslide with the facebook thing. But you don't need to check on what he's doing or with whom anymore. Just keep focused on what is ahead for you and your daughter. That is all that matters now. And in a few years time, you will be able to look back on this whole thing and be proud of how you conducted yourself. And so can your daughter.
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 16:55:54 GMT
You know, I'd let him have the ipod too. As long as it isn't something that your daughter wants or would be using again. If it is hers, as in was a gift to her, she is the one who gets to make the decision, but I would let him have it. Why? Because he may claim that it is the only way he has of remaining in contact with his child. Which, is basically true, right? He will need access to email to apply for a job. You want him working so he can pay child support. Additionally, it is better for you if he contacts you via email instead of phone or coming over. It also gives you a written record of anything he says should he turn spiteful in the future. And lastly, you need to show him that you are beyond him now. His little dalliance with these incredibly too-young-for-him girls is no longer a thought occupying your head. You have moved on already. I did that with my ex fiance. I even took off the engagement ring and told him to go ahead and offer it to her. He flipped out and said he would never marry her. I said that wasn't my business, my issue was I didn't want the ring because it had zero meaning to me anymore. He was really crushed. I didn't want it. I gave him back everything that had any emotional meaning for me over the years we were together. He kept asking me to keep them. I said I wanted nothing in my home that would remind me of him. I just wanted a clean break. And I didn't answer any of his phone calls, emails, letters, or the notes he put on my door in the middle of the night. In my case, I could cut ties that thoroughly because we were not yet married, you cannot, especially because of your daughter. But you can cut them to the extent you are able to. Toss him the stuff, shake your head at how pathetic and unhealthy he is, and move on. And don't ask his family about him. Any contact you have can be through email and your attorney. Imagine him asking a family member something about you and having them be able to say, I don't know, she never talks about you. The less contact you have, the faster you will heal and get on to your new life. You have already given him plenty of years. Don't give him one more day. You are a new woman who is going places in life. You had the one little backslide with the facebook thing. But you don't need to check on what he's doing or with whom anymore. Just keep focused on what is ahead for you and your daughter. That is all that matters now. And in a few years time, you will be able to look back on this whole thing and be proud of how you conducted yourself. And so can your daughter. This is true. I haven't looked at the ipod since I took it from him. I need to charge it and see if there's anything in it I should document as bad as I hate to. He logged off the FB acct and cleared the history, so likely not. I cleared out his nightstand and boxed up some photos of DD, his wedding band, (I'm going to pawn mine) and a few other sentimentals. Then I folded up the quilt I made him for our 10th anniversary and put it all in a bag. (which is personalized with my name and the occasion on the back). These were the last things I ran across, so they weren't outside when he came to get his other crap. I may charge the ipod today, and take it, the docs I have, and this last bag to him later. Its a smart move, you are right. I just hate for him to have something we got DD for her birthday in 4th grade (1st gen, doesn't even have a camera), it has her name engraved on the back, but maybe it will be a little stab in his heart every time he sees it.
|
|
|
Post by scrapbookwriter on Jul 27, 2014 17:11:25 GMT
"I cleared out his nightstand and boxed up some photos of DD, his wedding band, (I'm going to pawn mine) and a few other sentimentals. Then I folded up the quilt I made him for our 10th anniversary and put it all in a bag. (which is personalized with my name and the occasion on the back). These were the last things I ran across, so they weren't outside when he came to get his other crap. I may charge the ipod today, and take it, the docs I have, and this last bag to him later. Its a smart move, you are right. I just hate for him to have something we got DD for her birthday in 4th grade (1st gen, doesn't even have a camera), it has her name engraved on the back, but maybe it will be a little stab in his heart every time he sees it."
It is great that you are clearing out his stuff. You just don't need those reminders around your home. I have one suggestion, though. Perhaps you could box up the quilt for your dd to have someday. I think it's good for kids to know that their parents loved each other once upon a time, no matter how the marriage ended.
I think you are awesome.
|
|
|
Post by Chips on Jul 27, 2014 17:23:25 GMT
You know, I'd let him have the ipod too. As long as it isn't something that your daughter wants or would be using again. If it is hers, as in was a gift to her, she is the one who gets to make the decision, but I would let him have it. Why? Because he may claim that it is the only way he has of remaining in contact with his child. Which, is basically true, right? He will need access to email to apply for a job. You want him working so he can pay child support. Additionally, it is better for you if he contacts you via email instead of phone or coming over. It also gives you a written record of anything he says should he turn spiteful in the future. And lastly, you need to show him that you are beyond him now. His little dalliance with these incredibly too-young-for-him girls is no longer a thought occupying your head. You have moved on already. I did that with my ex fiance. I even took off the engagement ring and told him to go ahead and offer it to her. He flipped out and said he would never marry her. I said that wasn't my business, my issue was I didn't want the ring because it had zero meaning to me anymore. He was really crushed. I didn't want it. I gave him back everything that had any emotional meaning for me over the years we were together. He kept asking me to keep them. I said I wanted nothing in my home that would remind me of him. I just wanted a clean break. And I didn't answer any of his phone calls, emails, letters, or the notes he put on my door in the middle of the night. In my case, I could cut ties that thoroughly because we were not yet married, you cannot, especially because of your daughter. But you can cut them to the extent you are able to. Toss him the stuff, shake your head at how pathetic and unhealthy he is, and move on. And don't ask his family about him. Any contact you have can be through email and your attorney. Imagine him asking a family member something about you and having them be able to say, I don't know, she never talks about you. The less contact you have, the faster you will heal and get on to your new life. You have already given him plenty of years. Don't give him one more day. You are a new woman who is going places in life. You had the one little backslide with the facebook thing. But you don't need to check on what he's doing or with whom anymore. Just keep focused on what is ahead for you and your daughter. That is all that matters now. And in a few years time, you will be able to look back on this whole thing and be proud of how you conducted yourself. And so can your daughter. This is really great advice! I am sorry you're going through this and hugs.
|
|
|
Post by vronn on Jul 27, 2014 17:31:30 GMT
I think you are handling this all very well. And honestly, as much as you've been hurt by "the little slut", I think she did you a favour taking him off your hands. Divorce is never easy, but the damage can be minimalized. You've received a lot of good advice here, so I'll just wish you well.
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Jul 27, 2014 18:02:26 GMT
"I know that you're really raw right now, but I just have to go ahead and say this. You need to stop focusing on that girl, and turn all your energy toward making things ok for you and your daughter. It's totally understandable to be consumed with all of it right at first, but knowing all the details of this person's sleazy life is not going to help you in any way. It won't tell you why, and it won't make things any easier to understand or to bear." -----------------------------------------------
This bears repeating. You are still WAY to invested, and way too....gossipy? ah...? trash digging at this point. Just step back, and get out of it. Otherwise it will drive you nuts. Give him the ipod. Do NOT charge it to look up more stuff. WHO cares. Anything that is on it, will be of no use in any divorce or custody hearing. Unless he is abusing your dd, or you, it won't matter. Start moving on, and leaving all the garbage behind.
|
|
|
Post by jeremysgirl on Jul 27, 2014 18:16:01 GMT
I am glad to read that you are keeping it together pretty well. I'm not quite sure how I would have handled something like this. You are a really strong person.
One suggestion, when I separated from my ex, I threw my rings in a big lake. I just didn't want them anymore. Anyway, I really regret doing that. I wish I had given them to my DD instead. I think they would have been special to her.
|
|
msliz
Drama Llama
The Procrastinator
Posts: 6,419
Jun 26, 2014 21:32:34 GMT
|
Post by msliz on Jul 27, 2014 19:04:04 GMT
.... Then I folded up the quilt I made him for our 10th anniversary and put it all in a bag. (which is personalized with my name and the occasion on the back).
.... I have one suggestion, though. Perhaps you could box up the quilt for your dd to have someday. I think it's good for kids to know that their parents loved each other once upon a time, no matter how the marriage ended. I think you are awesome.
I like this idea too. It was something you made from the same love that made her. It might mean something to her someday. It might not. But it would be nice to let her decide when she's older. And I think you're awesome too!
|
|
|
Post by stephofalltrades on Jul 27, 2014 22:09:53 GMT
I gave him the ipod, got the car title signed over, and kept the quilt. I've asked the he only email from this point forward.
|
|
julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
|
Post by julieb on Jul 27, 2014 22:59:26 GMT
I'm really sorry, but I can't read your thread because your avatar is too distracting.
|
|
|
Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 28, 2014 0:11:33 GMT
((((hugs)))) to you & your dd. You are both incredibly strong.
|
|
|
Post by Erica on Jul 28, 2014 0:19:16 GMT
It takes two to tango. It seems your total focus is on her. It should be on the one who destroyed your life and family. If it wasn't her it could have been someone else.
|
|