How do deal with the way things are and how you think they

What is your vision?

Can you implement it in a fun way that everyone would enjoy?

Make a weekly night/afternoon for everyone to do something together -- watch a movie, go for a walk, go somewhere and take pictures, etc?

Or is your vision more that you want your family to be motivated to come up with ideas?

I had a vision of weekly afternoons crafting with my big girls, pizza and a movie in. It hasn't happened exactly as I wanted because other things interfered with my planned night, and the kids were not as motivated as I wanted them to be in finding craft ideas they were interested in. I've suggested ideas once or twice and got them started on something -- once they started or saw me doing something they were happy to join in. Pizza didn't happen every night, but I made other fun dinners or dessert or something else.

I've compromised by half relaxing my expectations, being more flexible with the schedule, and (once again) doing all of the planning and getting everyone on task.

 Oh my word, been there, done that, a few times!

We seem to go through seasons where we hang out a lot together, and then times where either everyone's kinda busy with their own thing, or we are just having a rough patch with getting along. My kids that live at home still are 18 and 14, so they aren't young tikes anymore, no more time outs or hugging it out, ha!

 I have learned with my kids, not to talk about it or make an announcement that we're going to start spending more time together - they are so weird. If I make it a "thing" they will buck up about it, but if I just plan something, they happily go along with it.  Realizing that has made all the difference in the world.  If I whine to my 18DS about not hugging me or cuddling, he rolls his eyes and avoids me like the plague, but just last night, he was flopped on the couch watching tv and I didn't say anything but made him move his feet, and sat with him, laying his feet back on me.  without a word, he handed me a pillow, and re arranged the blanket.  We hung out like that for about an hour and a half.  

Maybe come up with a few ideas that you think will appeal to the majority...load the dogs up to take to the park or beach, etc.  Then say, on Wednesday, bring up the weekend and give them the choice of a couple of the things you came up with. They get to choose the activity, and you get to spend time as a family without that part being the focus of the planning, for them at least. 

Something we've done several times that has been a real blast, and actually we are wanting to do it again pretty soon, is have a cooking night.  I know that sounds weird, but for instance, the last time we did it, it was DH and me, and our 18DS and his girlfriend.  We had a pretzel throwdown!  We choose four different pretzel recipes, and DH and DS chose two, and (what's the shorthand version of "son's girlfriend" ??) son's girlfriend and I had the other two.  We had a flipping BLAST making the pretzels and seeing which recipe came out best.  It helps that we all enjoy cooking (to different degrees, but it's SOMETHING, ya know?) We've done it with pancake recipes and other stuff, and DSGF ( I came up with that on my own - Dear Son's GirlFriend, hee!) loves French toast, so that will probably be our next throwdown night.

I know what you mean though, it breaks my heart that we as moms do things for the family because it's important to THEM, but oftentimes they don't reciprocate and do things simply because it's important to US.  It's a lesson we try to teach them, to be compassionate for other's needs, but for some reason it doesn't get associated with parents.

Have you tried doing things your family likes instead of just planning things? Like maybe once every 2wks a family member pick a activity to do.
Say little Timmy likes to play miniature golf...y'all do that.
Little Betty Mae likes a movie that's out..y'all do that.
Dad likes to fish..go fishing.
Then whatever you like to do you pick.

Your kids are at an age it is their job in THEIR lives to separate from the family of origin in preparation of creating their own families. You on the other hand are experiencing their growing independence as a signal to the end of your usefulness.

By 13, and especially by 18, most normal families are not spending lots of time as a whole group. It has moved to one on one time IF that much. Your family sounds normal. Your expectations sound abnormal for the stage your kids are in.

Time to start developing and putting into place your vision for what life as empty nesters will look like instead of life as a family of very young children. The young child dependent stage has passed.

I am pretty sure that is all about managing expectations. MY expectations are so vastly different than what is reality that sometimes I just have to sit back and laugh at myself.

I have two very rough and tumble, daredevil, rules of physics be damned boys. While I am not a girly girl, I love to read, cook, sew...all the things they hate (for the most part.) I am single, but had envisioned a two parent, two kid house with stupid ass family vacations and doing all kinds of fun things together. I thought I would have at least one girl who would play tea with me.

So far, not a single thing came true. Not one. 

Top that off with seeing other families being all family like, doing family things that I thought would be my future...well, the dissatisfaction is inevitable.

Eventually I had to change my way of thinking. I get now that publicly people act differently-you don't know what their reality is like. I get now that my boys are not ever going to do the things that I like to do. 

I know that I take the small moments and embrace them. We do eat dinner together, but we have always done that. Having my 18 year sit on the couch next to me, put his head in my lap and fall asleep? I didn't move a muscle for over an hour. It is the little things.

I also know that if the they won't do my thing, I am going to have to do their thing. I have learned how to play video games, watch soccer on tv, everything there is to know about flats fishing...all the things they enjoy. Instead of molding them to my image, I had to fold myself into theirs.

Volt's nailed it again.

DH and I have the same problem. I keep saying we need to go out more, we need to do things together as a family, etc, but in the end, we end up doing our own thing most days. My kids aren't interested in biking, hiking, or sports. They just want to play Minecraft. DH and I are homebodies. I have trust issues with other women (having been betrayed by two close friends) so all of my female friends are really passing acquaintances. DH works an hour away and the few people he does like at work live 30 to 45 minutes away from work the OTHER direction so they're like 2 hours from us. Talking about it with DH just gets us depressed   

We've made a decision to do something every Saturday as a family whether it's camping, the beach, or some fun center (which gets pricey). That seems to be helping. The boys like it when we go camping. They actually thanked us when we took them to this family entertainment place in the next city over (nothing like that here). 

I agree with Volt. I remember my dad getting so upset I wouldn't do things with the family as a teen. "Why don't you come watch tv with the rest of us, you don't need to hide out in your room". But I *did* need to hide out in my room. I dreamed there. I listened to my music there. I imagined my future. I read. I studied. Don't you remember being a teen?

My dd disappears into her room now more and more often. And I miss her joining us for more than a quick meal.

But my dad said that he saw me more after I moved out than he did when I lived there, and he realized it's what teens need to do. And he was a lot better with my sisters.

One thing I loved was one on one time, or outdoors time. My dad was a cop and when he would go patrol the reservoir for a day (he was the marine deputy on the boat in the summer) he would take me along. We might say only ten words all day, but I valued that time. Or my mom would drive me to the pool and pick up all my friends and drop us off. We talked in the car for the 30 min. drive.

Take what you can get, make it quality over quantity, and plan for your time when they move out!

I think for me - sometimes I just need to accept things "are what they are" and deal with the hand life has given me. Other times I need to identify exactly what is worth standing my ground about and what I can compromise or accept.

Family dinners are important to me. I cook 5 nights a week (DS and oldest DD cook one night each). During the summer when bedtimes for the girls are flexible - dinner is served when all or almost all of us can be home for it which usually means between 630-8pm. During the school year, dinner is usually 630 (the latest we can manage with YDD's bedtime at 730) but I'll move it earlier if evening activities mandate. If you're home, you eat dinner with the family. Some nights it's just me and the girls because DS and DH are working late but we manage to eat as a whole family most nights.

I've given up on family game night though - interests and abilities are too diverse to make it really work (and ODD can be counted on to make everyone miserable). I have fond memories of game night with my parents and sister but we were only 4 years apart.

Wow. You are making some pretty hefty assumptions about me and my family. My family is probably closer than most. We have a weekly Sunday dinner with extended family (My FIL hosts, but my sisters, parents, my BIL's mother all are welcome and come often). We have weekly "girls night" when I go out to dinner with my sisters, and my DH and brothers-in-law have a weekly guys night out. I spend an enormous amount of time with all of my family compared to pretty much every one else I know irl. 

But there is something to be said for people just backing off and letting me know they were there and letting me do my own thing. I did do family things, like vacation, or camp outs, and once in a while I would play a board game or watch a movie. But not every time, and it was important to me that I didn't feel forced. 

You will never see me bitch about family time around holidays, we host for about 30 people every year. No drama. In 19 years, I have never had a dramatic holiday. Even with divorced parents, and my sisters weird in-laws.  You don't have to force family activities to teach that family is important.

I wasn't talking to you. It was a comment in general.