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Post by LavenderLayoutLady on Jul 28, 2014 3:09:28 GMT
The thread asking whether your life turned out as you thought it would got me thinking this question.
How do you keep yourself from becoming jaded and bitter when life lets you down? Or when people you were supposed to be able to trust let you down?
I don't think most people set out to have children with someone thinking that they won't stay together, and parent together. But it happens so often.
And what about all the sweet words said between husband & wife (or partners, significant others, etc). Forever? Till death do us part? Only for it to turn into "Until we hit middle age and I suddenly want a woman twenty years younger and I don't care if I have to rip our family apart to get it."
I sound bitter, don't I?
Sorry.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 3:13:16 GMT
For me it was/is coming to terms with the fact that bitterness only hurts my current life and future. It doesn't hurt those that let me down.. doesn't phase them in the least. Bitterness can't turn back the clock so a different scenario can take place and they keep their word, provide that support or whatever happened that left me in a hard place.
Bitterness saps my joy, my contentment and puts a storm cloud over my life that will bleed into my future. I do my best to let it go for myself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 3:16:08 GMT
If you figure that out, please tell me. I know I'm not as nice of a person as I could/should be mainly due to horrific abuse from my ex DH. I know it's clouded my judgement and thinking and led me just about to "man-hater" status. I'm so ready for the next blow to land from my bf (who isn't like that), that I'm ready to strike back immediately. I'm always on the defensive and keep him at arms length emotionally. The less I feel "in love" the less it'll hurt when it's over. It's a horrible attitude to have but I can't help it.
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Post by scraphollie27 on Jul 28, 2014 3:20:01 GMT
I think you need to consciously and constantly remind yourself of the good things in your life until it becomes an unconscious "habit" that you see the good in most situations (sometimes there isn't good but those moments should be few and far between). Some days it will be very simple and some days you will grab whatever little good you can but keep looking for it. When you are positive, people around you react differently and it is inspirational for everyone including yourself.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 3:23:35 GMT
I live by the philosophy that "Things happen for a reason".
It's okay to be bitter when things don't go as planned. But make sure you gain strength from these lessons that life throws at you.
Things definitely aren't perfect for me, but I'm happy because I try to see the good in everything and be grateful for what I do have.
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sharlag
Drama Llama
I like my artsy with a little bit of fartsy.
Posts: 6,580
Location: Kansas
Jun 26, 2014 12:57:48 GMT
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Post by sharlag on Jul 28, 2014 3:24:16 GMT
I'm bitter about certain things, but not overall. Like Scraphollie pointed out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 3:26:38 GMT
You can't drift and hope it doesn't happen. You have to actively kick the thoughts out of your head, reach out to do something that changes your attitude, etc. I think that's why so many people get caught. It takes energy and focus at a time when that's the least plentiful of your personal resources.
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Post by gryroagain on Jul 28, 2014 3:38:02 GMT
Eh, I think it's ok to be a bit bitter. To stew. It's endlessly annoying to "find a window when a door closes" and all that happy horseshit,,,it just is, it's ok to wallow a bit and be pissed off- some things you SHOULD be pissed about! And not forget!
I don't think turn the other cheek should extend to everything, and I do think there is value is owning the fact that you are still pissed off and not ready to forgive. And that is ok. It's a process, and no one bit you gets to dictate your emotions. So be pissed if you are.
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smginaz Suzy
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Je suis desole.
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Jul 28, 2014 3:39:28 GMT
I felt like DD20 was constantly spewing bleak and depressing things, so I suggested (voluntold) her to start a gratitude journal. I told that her that I did not think that life was all unicorns pooping skittles and rainbows, but that it was also healthy to remind yourself regularly of things that are sunshine and lollipops. What I can tell you is that I see more positive behavior from her now, in addition to the regular bouts of gloom and doom. Now this is a kid who loves to write and draw, so she already had a passion for journaling. My goal was to balance out some of the nature of her writing to reflect the more pleasant side of life.
On the other hand, I am a regular Pollyanna, and I have had some really terrible life experiences, so in some ways, I tend to think sometimes we are wired in certain ways. I am wired to be particularly resilient. I just get up, dust myself off and move f*cking forward.
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calgal08
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Post by calgal08 on Jul 28, 2014 3:45:05 GMT
I used to be of the "things happen for a reason" frame of mind, but recently that all changed. Now I admit I'm bitter, a recluse and yes, even jealous.
I think if you've been fortunate in life not to have back-to-back-knock-you-to-your-knees stresses then it's easier to remain upbeat
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 4:55:01 GMT
And I should probably explain that in my situation I'm only bitter about the past abuse and how it's effected my feelings and behaviors in other relationships. Career-wise and kids and relationships with my family (for the most part) are fine. It's just that one area of my life where I get so angry at the thought that we had the Disney thinking, about a prince and all that shit. I thought I had my prince, he turned out to be a rapist, and I was left divorced with 2 kids to raise essentially alone until I met my current bf. So yeah I get the "what about all the sweet words and vows" that we were told? And how it sucked to have them thrown in our faces and become hollow. But most ways I'm ok with how my life turned out. I have regrets, but doesn't everybody?
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Post by gmcwife1 on Jul 28, 2014 5:35:18 GMT
For me it was/is coming to terms with the fact that bitterness only hurts my current life and future. It doesn't hurt those that let me down.. doesn't phase them in the least. Bitterness can't turn back the clock so a different scenario can take place and they keep their word, provide that support or whatever happened that left me in a hard place. Bitterness saps my joy, my contentment and puts a storm cloud over my life that will bleed into my future. I do my best to let it go for myself. Yes! For me to not let that take over it helped me to look at two family members that are bitter. I knew/know I never want to be as miserable and unhappy as they are. They are also jealous, petty and no fun to be around.
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Post by ametallichick on Jul 28, 2014 7:05:21 GMT
I don't know if I'd classify bitterness as how I am feeling. I recently stopped talking to a couple of my family members, my mother being one of them. I wouldn't say we were really close. (My grandparents raised me, mostly.) But not talking to my mom has others in the family mad at me.
My husband said to me the other day not to give up and I said it was too late. I have been very down. Not depressed. I've been there and I know this is not it. I am in Purgatory and I feel like I have no mojo, self esteem or any reason to get up in the morning. I have been looking for work outside the home and I have hit a wall. I am not willing to take a $9/hr. job with my degree and it's not a job that anyone can do. I know I need to work out but I have no mojo for that either. We are going on vacation on Thursday and I am hoping I will snap out of it after that. I am good at hiding my feelings and putting on a brave face.
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Post by lesserknownpea on Jul 28, 2014 7:46:51 GMT
Wow. I have felt common ground with EVERY person who posted on this thread. I started to do quotes, until I realized I would be quoting pretty much everything already said.
After a bad childhood with 2 alcoholic parents, I married young to a man who ended up being an alcoholic also, and stayed married and raised 4 kids. I am bitter right now because my mother trained me to be the perfect codependent mate, and now I think how different my life could have been if I recognized I did not have to accept the crap XDH dealt out all those years. Which ended with him assaulting and raping me and being put in prison for 8 years.
Counseling has helped so much. So so so much. And both counting blessings (trite, but powerful), AND giving myself time to be mad and journal about being mad, and find other ways to acknowledge how mad I am and unacceptable the actions of both my parents and XDH were, are helping me move forward.
I worry that others are getting impatient with my progress being so slow. (I isolate myself, spend whole days in bed reading, cancel social engagements, eat candy to relieve stress)
I know that exercise, finding hobbies, taking a class, helping others is supposed to improve my spirits. I don't often find the motivation to do any of those things. And it takes rather a long time to recover emotionally when I do.
My doctor thinks I need an anti-depressent
I was the Pollyanna. My whole life. People NEVER saw me without a smile on my face. No one knew how hard it was for me to hold it together in my marriage and family.
Now , except for being around my grandchildren, nothing actually makes me happy. I do continue with my spiritual activities, although often I find anxiety keeps me from being around people. I love God and pray regularly.
Part of me thinks this is something that needs to be fixed. Part of me (and my therapist suggests) this is just how I feel, and I should honor it and give myself as much time to adjust and want to participate more in life as I need.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 7:53:01 GMT
For me bitterness is like the worst kind of poison, it kills the person you are, takes away your happiness and destroys hope for the future. Learn to let it go and move forward whatever it takes. Life has thrown an enormous mount of crap at everybody, me included, but I damn well refuse to let it ruin my peace of mind. Find something, anything that gives you joy and immerse yourself in that. Allow the bitterness for a short while then kick it in to touch.
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Post by mollycoddle on Jul 28, 2014 8:12:23 GMT
What helped me is that I worked with someone who is bitter and always complaining. She was awful to be around, and I now actively work at stopping those negative thoughts. I do not ever want to end up like her.
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Post by Really Red on Jul 28, 2014 9:32:27 GMT
I do not believe things happen for a reason; however, I do believe that when most bad things happen, you can find some good in them. That is a goal.
What you wrote about happened to me. The hardest thing I had to come to terms with was the fact that my dream died, until I realized it was MY dream and really never reality. I went back and looked hard at my choices and found that I ignored the early red flags because I was a happy person and a forgiving person. And my ex didn't have horns, either. He was a nice guy who made bad choices.
I am happier than I have ever been. Is everything that goes on my choice now? No. But I have a good life, good friends and a great job and I take happiness in those. I hope you get to the point you can do the same.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2014 10:42:53 GMT
Wow. I have felt common ground with EVERY person who posted on this thread. I started to do quotes, until I realized I would be quoting pretty much everything already said. After a bad childhood with 2 alcoholic parents, I married young to a man who ended up being an alcoholic also, and stayed married and raised 4 kids. I am bitter right now because my mother trained me to be the perfect codependent mate, and now I think how different my life could have been if I recognized I did not have to accept the crap XDH dealt out all those years. Which ended with him assaulting and raping me and being put in prison for 8 years. Counseling has helped so much. So so so much. And both counting blessings (trite, but powerful), AND giving myself time to be mad and journal about being mad, and find other ways to acknowledge how mad I am and unacceptable the actions of both my parents and XDH were, are helping me move forward. I worry that others are getting impatient with my progress being so slow. (I isolate myself, spend whole days in bed reading, cancel social engagements, eat candy to relieve stress) I know that exercise, finding hobbies, taking a class, helping others is supposed to improve my spirits. I don't often find the motivation to do any of those things. And it takes rather a long time to recover emotionally when I do. My doctor thinks I need an anti-depressent I was the Pollyanna. My whole life. People NEVER saw me without a smile on my face. No one knew how hard it was for me to hold it together in my marriage and family. Now , except for being around my grandchildren, nothing actually makes me happy. I do continue with my spiritual activities, although often I find anxiety keeps me from being around people. I love God and pray regularly. Part of me thinks this is something that needs to be fixed. Part of me (and my therapist suggests) this is just how I feel, and I should honor it and give myself as much time to adjust and want to participate more in life as I need. Hugs to you for your situation. I can relate to the abuse, except my exdh never went to jail. I hope you find peace inside and joy again. ((Hugs))
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tuesdaysgone
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Post by tuesdaysgone on Jul 28, 2014 11:04:24 GMT
I think many of us struggle with this. For the past 7 years my husband has suffered with chronic health issues. It upended our life and forced both of us to re-examine where we are in life and come to terms with a new reality. I spent too long focusing on why this happened to us. It was pointless; I don't think we'll ever know why. This focus sapped too much emotional and physical energy. As devastating as it has been, I've learned to just accept that this is our life now. Much different than we thought it would be, but still ok. I will say that going through this has taught me that you can learn to enjoy and really celebrate the small moments of happiness in your life. Some days there may only be a few of those moments, but you learn to focus on what makes you happy. It's been a process for me...a long process. I found that exercise really helps me. When I get overwhelmed, I try to get outside and walk.
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Post by 1lear on Jul 28, 2014 11:16:46 GMT
My mother and her side of the family are generally very unhappy, so I've spent my life trying to be the opposite. Sometime, it is sooo easy to let disappointment and bitterness take hold, and I have to make a conscious effort to not let it drag me down.
As somebody else suggested, a gratitude journal is a big help. Writing down the little things that occur daily, even if it's something small like hitting all green lights on the way to work, helps reinforce the positive aspects of life. Try to focus on the good things and don't let the bad destroy your spirit.
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back to *pea*ality
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Not my circus, not my monkeys ~refugee pea #59
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Jun 25, 2014 19:51:11 GMT
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Post by back to *pea*ality on Jul 28, 2014 11:29:37 GMT
Years ago someone recommended the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz to me. I have read it many, many times and also bought an audiotape version. Each time I bring myself to it, I take something new away.
The basic premise of the book is that we are responsible for our own happiness. No one can give it to us or take it away. If you make these four agreements with yourself you will have the life you desire. Be impeccable with your word, do not make assumptions, do not take things personally, always do your personal best. The book is short and puts the agreements in context. The book is spiritual without being religious.
Namaste
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eleezybeth
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Post by eleezybeth on Jul 28, 2014 11:48:05 GMT
When I was a child, I read a proverb about "never looking back." I've never been able to find that proverb since but, it was during Bible school so at least I know where to look. My faith has taken a different journey, but that proverb started it all. I had a fairly horrific childhood filled with trauma on every spectrum. It sucked. I could still be that victim. I'm not. I could be bitter and sometimes I am (especially the sexual piece, I'd still rip the balls off of them if I saw them now.) I really try to practice "the lesson." What did I learn about me- good and bad. Who am I now as a result, do I like that? And who's in control of those thoughts and emotions. Since I'd be damned if anybody ever controlled me again, I am. I try to practice that now. I have few regrets, I do a lot of introspection, I don't do a lot of gratitude specifically because I try to practice being mindful and being aware, learning and while gratitude is a piece of it it isn't my focus. I am "rainbows and sunshine." I have a little rain, I see the beauty after the storm. It is about learning for me. Learn, be aware, be in the moment. Doesn't mean I don't get sad, don't have pity parties, don't get pissed, I just choose not to stay there. My biggest issue would be more worrying about the future than focusing on the past. Now, if I could get that to stop... And I should be able to practice the same skills but, I'm a work in progress!
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scrappington
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in Canada
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Post by scrappington on Jul 28, 2014 12:04:16 GMT
I am an envious person, and that leads me to being bitter. I have worked in the last couple years of not being envious. Just accepting what I have. Its much better to be content and happy then being bitter. Easier said then done. Also the past is the past. You can't change it no matter what you do. You can only change the now. Accepting that is also a good step in getting over the bitter. Of course we will have bitter moments but they don't have to stay. I did a journal for a bit I called it "Find the good in every day" I did this during a horrible time in my life and there was always a good node every day.
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grinningcat
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Post by grinningcat on Jul 28, 2014 12:06:08 GMT
Just to clarify, I'm definitely not good at not being bitter. I had a terrible childhood with lots of trauma thrown in, and I get so angry at it all sometimes, and angry at what I have to deal with now. To me, that deep pain is not the same as bitterness. I feel bitterness when I think about how I wanted to live in the country but got the suburbs. How I live in the rain when I need sun. How I wanted to go to college and have a career but can't because my husbands job is too demanding. Certainly I am not a proponent of happy horse shit. I'm not even a Christian so I don't do the God's opening a door thing, either. I just try to shake myself and not be a bitter hag at the bad hand I was dealt. Because when I am, I'm not noticing the good things that keep me going. That's what I meant by ungratefulness. Like today when my 7 year old was mad that her Dairy Queen didn't taste as good as mcdonalds and I was trying to show her that hey, you have ice cream. Cut it out. I just have to cut it out sometimes. We all have to cut it out most of the time. But you know what? You also have to ride those emotional waves. You have to take the lows with the highs. So it's okay to be bitter or down for a while, because "this too shall pass" as the wave swells again. You can't have happy times without the low times too, so I think it's okay to be bitter or disappointed about things in life. Not that it should overwhelm everything else, but it's okay.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
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Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Jul 28, 2014 12:41:15 GMT
I felt like DD20 was constantly spewing bleak and depressing things, so I suggested (voluntold) her to start a gratitude journal. I told that her that I did not think that life was all unicorns pooping skittles and rainbows, but that it was also healthy to remind yourself regularly of things that are sunshine and lollipops. What I can tell you is that I see more positive behavior from her now, in addition to the regular bouts of gloom and doom. Now this is a kid who loves to write and draw, so she already had a passion for journaling. My goal was to balance out some of the nature of her writing to reflect the more pleasant side of life. On the other hand, I am a regular Pollyanna, and I have had some really terrible life experiences, so in some ways, I tend to think sometimes we are wired in certain ways. I am wired to be particularly resilient. I just get up, dust myself off and move f*cking forward. My new favorite word "voluntold" lol! Good point though, I can't remember the blogger (think the happiness project) who suggests it, but essentially the same concept, writing one word a day of something happy. I find when I do this it makes me appreciate the little things in life a little more (and also recall things I may have forgotten when I look through them - I generally don't stick to the one word.) Another thing I try hard to do is focus on myself, my behavior not others. Trust me it's not easy and I end up venting and complaining a bit here and there. But in the end, the only person you can change is yourself so I try to focus on that. My marriage hasn't turned out the way i've wanted. We've done marriage counseling and I willing agreed to his requests while we'd spend two sessions hashing out why he couldn't meet a request of mine. Showed me that i'm not that irrational and that he's not looking for change. Focusing on myself became an easy choice. How do you argue with someone who will literally spend two sessions arguing about the same one topic? I realized from my experience that I need to make my own life. I've gotten involved with a group that shares a hobby I like and made new friends. I've gone back to school. I'm working and focusing on myself to give myself choices in life.
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Gravity
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Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Jul 28, 2014 12:56:39 GMT
Quit living in the past and focus on the future. You cannot change your past, but you can change the effect it has on your life. You are the only one responsible for your own happiness.
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Post by jesslee on Jul 28, 2014 13:06:55 GMT
We all have moments of bitterness. I have to stop myself when I think of all the things that my ex did to us and how unfair it is that he seems to live a grand life. What perception is and reality is is two different things. My ex has a life full of things. I have family, love and great times with my family. No amount of things can take the place of that. I try to refocus my thoughts on what I have and not what I don't. Then go and do something fun with the family. We have great memories. No one remembers the furniture you had or the car you were driving but they do remember that time you went for ice cream and laughed your butts off.
Don't allow the bitterness to weigh you down. Enjoy your life. Don't let the past or someone else steal that from you.
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Sarah*H
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Jun 25, 2014 20:07:06 GMT
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Post by Sarah*H on Jul 28, 2014 13:07:59 GMT
I have a friend whose life events might not even be believable in a country song. He lost his mom and his sister in separate car accidents at the same location. His wife left him, he got fired, his dad died from a heart attack and shortly thereafter he developed a rare illness that caused him to be paralyzed for awhile and have to learn to walk again. Never once did I hear a bitter word from him. He has always picked himself up and kept on keeping on. I tell this not to stress the bad things he has been through but as a reminder that almost everyone has a sad story/bad life events/things that could knock them down for good. I really think it's a choice we make every single day, sometimes over and over again each day - what you choose to focus on, what you let dwell in your heart and in your mind. There is someone else in my life who got dealt a bad hand last year, not an earth shattering loss but one that has made her unbearable to be around. She's let it poison her and as a result, even her friends don't want to hear it anymore and she now sits alone for hours every day thinking about it, trying to rationalize it, dwelling on the unfairness of it all, lost in a never ending cycle of toxic bitterness. Unbearable is really the nicest word I can use to describe it. And what does it accomplish? Every day life keeps happening, good things are happening whether we choose to notice them or not. We can waste this precious time or we can get about the business of living. I'm not a dweller but I DO suffer from anxiety which means I spend more time worrying about the things that might happen rather than reliving what already happened. There was a day last week that had particularly bad news about what's going on in Israel & Gaza, a dire warning about a new mosquito born illness in the US, a setback in an environmental effort I'm involved in, another plane crash and for awhile I let myself get overwhelmed in the negativity and uncertainty and ugliness that is in this world. It was my son who reminded me that day by saying "worrying about things isn't going to change the outcome" to shake me out of my own head and the spiraling dark thoughts. I changed the focus to things I CAN control and what is good and right and beautiful in the world. Sometimes that may be nothing more than a pretty sunset or a bird chirping happily on the deck (unless you're the pea who cut down all the trees in your yard because the birds annoy you ) or a new book that you've been waiting to read or a good song on the radio. Sometimes that has to be and can be enough.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 28, 2014 13:10:29 GMT
I HATE "everything happens for a reason" and "God, doesn't give us more than we can handle".
Bullshit. I have more than I can handle some days. What reason is there for my DH to have cancer, my dad to have Parkinsons, and now, my mother is having memory issues. Why has my dream job become a nightmare?
I am not a bitter person. I put a smile on my face. I get joy from the little things. BUT, some days it's ok to feel bitter, overwhelmed, and angry. They are legitimate feelings.
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SweetieBsMom
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Jun 25, 2014 19:55:12 GMT
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Post by SweetieBsMom on Jul 28, 2014 13:21:48 GMT
I HATE "everything happens for a reason" and "God, doesn't give us more than we can handle". Bullshit. I have more than I can handle some days. What reason is there for my DH to have cancer, my dad to have Parkinsons, and now, my mother is having memory issues. Why has my dream job become a nightmare? I am not a bitter person. I put a smile on my face. I get joy from the little things. BUT, some days it's ok to feel bitter, overwhelmed, and angry. They are legitimate feelings. THIS! I agree with this. I also have the DH with cancer, son with Autism, sick father and a new witch of a boss at my job replacing the best boss ever. Not being bitter is a daily fight for me.
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