How to keep from becoming jaded and bitter?

I think I'm just wired that way, too. I choose to just deal and move on. That resiliency is one of the traits I've worked hardest to instill in my children.

I see other people who let bad things and hurt just fester in their lives. Who stay in that unhappy place and pick over and over at those same scabs. And I know I could never live that way. It's a complete anathema to me.

I had a very difficult childhood, with an angry, bitter misogynist father and a critical over-bearing mother. Both of them were angry and bitter much of the time, always finding the negative in everything. It was all I knew. I grew up envious of what others had--both materially, and socially/emotionally. I spent far too many years comparing myself and my life/home/car/clothes etc., to others. And always coming up lacking. Some of that was directly related to the people in my life (both my family, my in-laws, and some 'friends') and some of it was just me and my issues. I started eliminating some of those people from my life, and that helped. I ended an emotionally damaging marriage after nearly 20 years. That helped. Many people were shocked at my attitude about the divorce--why wasn't I going after more of the assets? Why wasn't I angry and bitter about the way I had been treated all those years? But once I made the decision to end the marriage (yes, it was entirely y decision and shocked the hell out of him because he never thought I'd have the guts to do it) I decided I had spent far too long being sad, angry, and bitter. I wanted a new life, and I wanted to be HAPPY. In order to be happy, I knew I had to focus on the good things in my life. It's not always easy, when I don't have the financial resources I used to have, or the freedom not to work like I had, or a house like I had…and some days are harder than others and some days I fail entirely and find myself being envious and bitter for a while. But most days, I am able to find things that make me grateful and content. My wonderful and kind OSDP (Opposite Sex Domestic Partner). My beautiful view from my apartment windows. The gorgeous light I have in this apartment after living in a dark, oppressive house in the woods for years. My two lovable kitties. My beautiful daughter, who is happily married and building a life in NY with a wonderful man who loves her. My OSDP's teenage daughter who moved in with us last year, and I am grateful we are able to give her a more stable, loving, and supportive home life than she had with her mother, even if we don't have the money to spoil her with stuff like she's had from her mother's family. The friends I have who are so supportive, even if they live far away. These are all things I remind myself of every day (or nearly every day) because if I don't, it's easy to forget I have so much to be thankful for and to focus on all the things I don't have.

I have a very, very dear friend. We've been friends since we were 16 years old (we're 47 now) and she has suffered her entire life with severe rheumatoid arthritis. She's had joints fused together, joints replaced. She's spent months at a time in a wheelchair. She struggles with some of the most basic tasks everyday. Even brushing her hair is difficult and painful. She takes so many drugs every day that have terrible side effects, but without them, she couldn't get out of bed. Last year, the arthritis stole the sight in one eye completely. She spent months in excruciating pain, with multiple surgeries trying, and failing, to save her vision. She wasn't able to have a child of her own, but adopted a little boy from Guatemala 13 years ago. He has Asperger's and several other special needs. She's had two failed marriages, and her third is far from ideal. Yet, she is one of the most cheerful, thankful, grateful, supportive, kind, sympathetic, empathetic, generous people I have ever known. If anyone had a reason to be bitter and depressed, it would be her. When I get frustrated and depressed about my own health issues--which are life altering, but no where near as bad as hers--I think about the grace with which she handles her own burdens, and I tell myself to stop being an ungrateful, whiney brat.

It's okay to have feelings of anger, hurt, sadness, disappointment, resentment, etc. But work through them and move on. When you dwell on them for any length of time, they steal your life from you. I've learned that while we all have different natures, and some people are, by nature, happier than others, being happy is a CHOICE. It's a choice that requires commitment and work, but it can be done.

Oh my gosh!  I could have written this!  I hear what everyone is saying about not letting someone have any space in your mind or whatever, but how?  The thoughts creep in and become part of who you are.

When life dumps another pile on me and I catch myself thinking Why me? The answer I give is why not?
Don`t know why but it helps.

I think of it as everyone has things happen in their lives that are difficult. By difficult I mean everything across the spectrum from just a bit to oh my gosh how in the world did I live through that. As humans we all go through this. I decide not to focus on the bad, to always count my blessings, to remember no matter how horrible it is, it could always be worse, and that whatever it is it will end. It has really, really helped me through some difficult times in my life. I've learned holding on to bitterness, regret and those kind of feelings hurt no one but myself. But then I've always been a "the cup is half full" girl.

Shit happens, it's done, now we're here in life. Let's make the best of now and what we've learned. I don't believe our destiny is planned out for us or that God punishes us. I think it's just life and in life here on Earth this is how it goes. When I'm really low and life is really tough I think about how lucky I am to be in a 1st world country and not in a 3rd world country. How dare I even complain? Comparisons like that help me really focus on how good my life actually is-that whatever I'm going through it's not really that bad, and it'll pass.

 I count my blessings every day. That helps me stay positive and grateful.

Debbie in MD.

I think that there is a major element of choice when it comes to contentment in life. Of course there are disappointments, and some of them can be so great that they make you question whether or not you can find any kind of happiness again. But, ultimately, I think that it is possible to choose to move past them and have the best life that you can. 

My mom was a very unhappy person. She had a very specific idea of what she wanted her life to be. Circumstances beyond her control prevented her from having that life. Instead of finding a way to move past her disappointment and live well in the life that she ended up with, she became bitter and wasted so much of her life refusing to be happy. She did get some satisfaction in life, and there were periods when she seemed to be genuinely happy. But most of the memories I have of her are of her as an overall unhappy person. She had the opportunity to work past it. All the resources needed to get help, and everybody in her life would have supported her and helped her through it. Decades worth of time in which she could have turned it around, had she so chosen. 

She lived into her 70's but had spent almost half of her life wallowing in her bitterness. It seems like such a waste.

I'm at the grief stage of anger and denial. Bitterness hasn't happened yet.