scrappert
Prolific Pea
RefuPea #2956
Posts: 7,960
Location: Milwaukee, WI area
Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Jul 28, 2014 16:45:13 GMT
You are NOT selfish. These are perfectly normal feelings for you to have. BTDT when my ex and I divorced when our kids were 2 & 4. Pained me like nothing else, HER having time with MY kids. Being there for things I couldn't be. But, I had to face the fact that it was what it was and I couldn't stop it. So, I had to ask myself, what's best for the kids? For them to have a bad relationship with this person or a good one? I decided - for the kids' sake - a good relationship was what I should hope for. I repeated the mantra that 'no child can have too many people love them' over and over. I had to remind myself that they were being being treated kindly when with her and that she wasn't being a shrew to them. If she'd been a shrew and cruel to my kids? That I could NOT have endured. It became easier over time, and now - 26 years later - I can tell you that my kids appreciated that I refused to feel threatened by 'her'. They didn't need that added stress to an already stressful and confusing situation. Warmest {{hugs}} as you navigate this heart-wrenching territory. It's a hard, hard road. Just always keep in mind what's the best thing for the kids given the situation. That will never steer you wrong. L Very good advice here. Hard to do at times, but good advice. I hope it will get better for you. HUGS!
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Post by Prenticekid on Jul 28, 2014 17:01:01 GMT
Sharing my kids with another woman was probably the hardest thing I ever did. You are not selfish for having those feelings. What would be selfish is if you acted on them. I bent over backwards not to. But I did have my moments. My oven was not working the year my DD turned 5 and her stepmother was planning on baking Christmas cookies with her. I had a near meltdown (alone). Then I gathered myself and asked my ex that she not do that with our DD during the time I could not. To me, it was outrageously unfair because baking had always been my thing. Not only was he actually understanding, but he fixed the stupid oven. I will say that even with all the years of practice and of actually being friends with my kids' stepmom, I was extremely uncomfortable when she bought my DDs wedding day necklace. The picture of her putting it around our DDs neck just before the reception (it was only worn for the reception, not the ceremony) will NOT be in any scrapbook I make. LOL Other pictures of us all getting ready on that day will be, but not the necklace one.
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Post by twinks on Jul 28, 2014 17:03:12 GMT
Ingrid has great insight. I would read and re-read her post.
I am in a different situation in that my exH's wife will have nothing to do with my DD. She goes so far as to ignore that my DD exists. Just resently at the funeral of her paternal grandmother, this lovely soul (sarcastic) turned the flowers that my DD sent around facing backwards. She made exH call me and inform me that DD was welcome to the funeral, but, was not to sit with family, or participate in anything having to do with the family (cemetary or luncheon afterwards). She didn't want anyone to know that exH had been married before and had a child. Christmas Day when exH dropped by to get his Christmas present from DD, she sat in the car, even though she was invited in. Notice, exH dropped by to get HIS Christmas present, which is weird in and of itself and another story. My DD went out to the car to say "Hi" to her and she ignored my DD. Personally, I've never met the person, but, I don't like her and have no respect for her because of the way she treats my DD.
I am sure this particular lovely soul was behind my exH sending me a court document when my DD turned 18 years old that he has fulfilled his duties as a Father. It doesn't make sense because he comes to get his presents and he called when his mother died.
It is hard, especially in your situation. It takes time to come to grips with your new reality. Try as hard as you can to not let your children know your resentment. Like someone said, think of it as one more person that can love your child. Not like you love them.
I have a really good friend that said something to me when I was going through my divorce. Besides all the "the best revenge is moving on and living your life" type thing is, "Don't give him [or her] any space in your brain." Once I stopped caring what they did or giving them the time of day, things got much better for me. It is hard and it takes conscience effort, but, you can do it. Stop caring what he and his girlfriends do. You have come too far to let this get to you. Stop giving them space in your brain.
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Toni Alexis
Junior Member
Posts: 89
Jul 18, 2014 16:16:02 GMT
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Post by Toni Alexis on Jul 28, 2014 17:39:17 GMT
I know how you're feeling. My ex's new wife is 25. She very much has a big sister vibe going with my 14 year old DD. I wish she were more motherly, but she isn't. I just have to focus on the fact that she is good to my kids. And she seems like a decent person. And really, that's what I would want for my kids is to have a decent person be their stepmom. On the flip side, I am the stepmother to three little girls and their mother treats me awful. She says terrible things about me to the kids and no matter what I do for her kids, it's never good enough. A couple of weeks ago, I decided to ride along with my DH to drop off his kids and the 4 year old asked me why I was going since her mommy hates me. It's really tough to be on that end of things too. This is so true. I am the stepmom to two amazing girls (14 & 9). When they're home with us, I treat them as if they were my own because, what else would I do? I am very careful on social media not to call them "my" kids or in posted pics of mine and Dh's huge combined family, not to say "Our" family out of consideration to both our ex's. I talk about the girls mom and get to hear all the fun stuff they do with her. I try and encourage healthy and fulfilling conversation (about their life away from our house) so that they never feel like they have to keep secrets about their life at her house. I never say anything bad about her (even though I'd love to sometimes and it's fully justified). countrypeagirl, I am so sorry you are hurt. It truly sucks. But, please consider that this new girl may actually love your kids and want them to be happy. If she's smart, she will know that she could never replace you but be an additional positive resource in their life.
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Post by jesslee on Jul 28, 2014 18:18:02 GMT
Your feelings are completely normal. Give yourself a break, you are human. Its takes time to heal and to adjust to the situation. I hate seeing pics on facebook of my ex husband's wife with my daughter. She is a horrible, horrible person. She is one of those that is sweet to your face but once you turn around she goes for the throat. I have never once said a bad thing about her. That is not my style and my daughter will form her own opinions. Now that my dd is 16 she knows the truth and came to that on her own.
Anyway! You children have only one mother. No one can every replace you in their eyes no matter how hard they try. They may have fun with the other women but there is no one like mom.
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Post by countrypeagirl on Jul 29, 2014 3:05:54 GMT
Thanks everyone for all the support. I truly appreciate everyone's point of view on this. I have to look at it that I will treat her in the way that I would want to be treated if I ever become part of a step sort of situation. So with kindness and respect. I am just going to allow myself to wallow in my pity a little and then move on with a smile on my face. Thank you all so much for the support.
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Post by laureljean on Jul 29, 2014 3:27:19 GMT
(hugs) You don't deserve any of this.
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Post by 2peafaithful on Jul 29, 2014 4:01:33 GMT
As hard as it is...give her a chance. She might be a blessing to your kids, stability, love them, pour into them and make that ex of yours be a better person. Try to change your perspective if you can to she isn't getting and you are missing. The truth is you are there for the best and they have pockets with them. Take the time you have to heal, grow, have some fun and do somethings that isn't easy to do with kids. I hear where you are coming from but seriously I think we can celebrate he isn't with the exBFF anymore.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Jul 29, 2014 5:34:02 GMT
Turn the table--become her BFF! It would drive the ex nuts!
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Post by heartcat on Jul 29, 2014 8:41:35 GMT
Wonderful post by Ingrid.
My situation was different than yours, because I was the one who initiated the divorce, and our divorce was very amicable. So I am sure someone's perspective would be different in a situation where there was betrayal, and where a marriage ended, and family broke up, in such a manner. There would be so many other feelings including, I would imagine, a sense of loss. I would guess having already lost so much (even if ultimately you are better off without the ex) anything that seems as though it might take 'more' from you (like another mother figure in your children's lives) would cause upset.
I already knew my ex's second wife. They worked together (there was nothing between them when we were married) and she had even babysitted our ds before. So I was comfortable with her and believed she genuinely cared about ds. I knew she was a good person and I felt lucky that she was in ex's life, having heard so many negative stories about jealous second wives who do not treat children of a spouse very well.
I always figured that the more people someone has to love and care for them, whether ourselves or our children, that that can only be a good thing. People always say that love is not a limited amount and that is so true. Even if your children come to love some other woman at some point, it does not change how much they love 'you' or what you mean to them. Having more people love them will only increase their esteem and sense of security.
Having a good relationship with an ex's spouse is so important...for everyone. There were so many times over the years when I was grateful that I could talk to her, or that she felt comfortable talking to me, about ds. There was a sense of comfort in knowing she cared about him and his well being, when she could have taken a hands off approach and simply decided 'not my child, not my issue'.
I am sure it is upsetting and hurts now, and might be hard to imagine, but one day you might be glad to have someone (whether it turns out to be this woman or someone else) else in your children's lives to love and care for them.
Ds is 30 now and we have a wonderful relationship. His loving, and being loved by, his dad's second wife had no negative impact on our relationship. But I know it had a positive impact on him.
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tduby1
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,979
Jun 27, 2014 18:32:45 GMT
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Post by tduby1 on Jul 29, 2014 11:31:33 GMT
Ingrid has great insight. I would read and re-read her post. I am in a different situation in that my exH's wife will have nothing to do with my DD. She goes so far as to ignore that my DD exists. Just resently at the funeral of her paternal grandmother, this lovely soul (sarcastic) turned the flowers that my DD sent around facing backwards. She made exH call me and inform me that DD was welcome to the funeral, but, was not to sit with family, or participate in anything having to do with the family (cemetary or luncheon afterwards). She didn't want anyone to know that exH had been married before It was his mom's funeral, correct? So wouldn't his family already be aware of that fact and was NO ONE in the family decent or human enough to tell this new comer that it would NOT be that way? Or does he have no extended family? RE: stopping by and picking up the Christmas gift, was he invited to do so or sis he stop by assuming she should have a gift for him? Strange indeed!
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Post by I-95 on Jul 29, 2014 11:44:01 GMT
Oh sweetie, stop looking at Facebook, it's always going to hurt to see another woman with your babies. Every time I see you avatar, or your Pname, I wanna hurt that ass you used to call a husband. I can't think of another dirty, rotten, cheating husband, who has left a Pea, that raises my blood pressure nearly as much as that lowlife scum who bailed on you...(he never good enough for your anyway) I'm soooo happy that he and she have split up. Did I miss a post about this? It's probably wrong of me but I hope their break up was messy and ugly. I'm sorry it still hurts, it probably will for a few more years. One of my BFFs was in a situation almost identical to yours, her ex has been married and divorced, mmmm, 3 times since he walked out on her and ran off with one of HER friends. She OTOH, has married the nicest, biggest good ole Southern boy you'd ever want to meet. He treats her and her girls like princesses, and she recently gave birth to twin boys. She's crazy busy and loving life while her useless ex is bouncing from relationship to relationship and still acting like an ass. I hope for you the joy she has found....and believe me, in the beginning she was a barely functioning mess. She's come a long way, baby...and so have you
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Post by countrypeagirl on Jul 29, 2014 12:19:05 GMT
Thank you! Yes their break up was very messy. He was cheating on her and she was cheating on him with his BFF. She moved him out of her house back in October and 2 days later moved his BFF in with her and her 4 kids. He now lives with mommy and daddy and has no place else to go unless he decides to shack up with the new gf. I don't see that happening anytime soon though.
Here's the thing about the new gf.. She's not a step parent, and I don't expect her to stick around long. She is in the middle of a divorce from a man that was cheating on her. So I have to question why in the hell she chose another cheater. Except I don't think she knows the whole truth about his past. Only what he wants her to know. I know for a solid fact he is already cheating on her as well and that makes me feel sorry for her. There is so much he is hiding from her. Part of me has wanted to clue her in on not only his cheating but the other things as well which are pretty major. But I know it's futile.. First he would talk his way out of it and 2nd it's not my place and I would just coming off looking like the crazy ex. So hopefully she figures him out quickly.
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Post by I-95 on Jul 29, 2014 12:59:42 GMT
Couldn't happen to a nicer guy! I love it when it comes back to bite him, but he needs a few more lessons....if he ever gets it straight, which i doubt he will. He's narcissistic.I'm sorry for anyone he comes in contact with, but guys like him are generally charmers and they always seem to manage to get a new trick from the crowd. My BFF's ex is the same way.
Living well is the best revenge. Your day will come, meanwhile love on those babies, they'll be yours forever and he'll have nobody!
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Post by countrypeagirl on Jul 29, 2014 13:04:09 GMT
Very true.. Thank you. ?
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TankTop
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea #1,871
Posts: 4,831
Location: On the couch...
Jun 28, 2014 1:52:46 GMT
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Post by TankTop on Jul 29, 2014 13:05:14 GMT
I am Sorry. No experience with this, but I totally would feel the same way.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Oct 6, 2024 14:19:43 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2014 14:27:37 GMT
I have been a stepmom for the last 10 years. I never set out to be a replacement for their "real" mother, I always told them I didn't want to be their mother, I wanted to be better than that for them. (Their mother was horrid, neglectful, didn't feed them, take them to the doctors etc.... It was all about her church etc...)
It's a fine line to walk, step parents don't have all the rights as "real" parents but we sure do have the responsibilities. I jus try to treat my DSS's like my own kids, I cook for them and help with homework, have the hard talks about girls and friends, the sex talks, answer questions honestly but I also chew ass when necessary about cleaning rooms and chores and curfews etc......just like I would my bio kids. I have to say too my sons from my first marriage are blessed to have a stepdad who was there for them when their own father was not. It's not easy, or fun sometimes.
If she seems nice to your son then I'd say be thankful. My son has a stepmother who hates him and vice versa. She's made it clear that he's not her child and never will be and that's awful for him. I can see why you're hurt tho, your son is so little but she won't replace you, I'm sure he loves you very much. But he may be lucky enough to have another woman in his life that loves him too.
Hugs to you.
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Post by mikklynn on Jul 29, 2014 15:07:45 GMT
What you are feeling is NOT SELFISH. You have ever right to feel that. No advice. But validation you are NOT selfish I completely agree. I would feel, even if it wasn't rational, like she was stealing my child. Hugs! I know what a rough road this has been for you.
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PaperAngel
Prolific Pea
Posts: 7,799
Jun 27, 2014 23:04:06 GMT
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Post by PaperAngel on Jul 29, 2014 16:40:50 GMT
Although without firsthand experience, I think it's important for you to remind yourself that YOU, & only YOU, are your children's mother. YOU are & will always be the stable parent, the one they can depend on to be there, consider them a priority, & always have their best interest, regardless the situation. YOU can never be replaced, regardless how young, beautiful, kind, caring, loving, thoughtful, fun, resourceful, savvy, culinary, etc. any one of their father's girlfriends is now or in the future. These women are temporary, like a day at an amusement park, in your children's lives, whereas YOU are forever! First, I would encourage you not to befriend your EXdh or his girlfriends on social media. Since your only interest in him/his life involves your children, limit communication to texting relevant schedules/information. Focus your time/energy on building a solid future, not watching his downward spiral into his parents' basement with the goal of chasing every skirt in town. Second, pictures can be deceiving. Although it appears they are a "little happy family," you already know the reality that he is/was cheating on her at the time! Third, IMHO any married adult with four children who chooses to abandon them for his current lifestyle will NEVER be part of a "little happy family;" it's obviously not what he wants or is capable of appreciating (& eventually will be impossible to have, once his reputation is well-established as a serial cheater).
Best wishes to you & your children...
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