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Post by pealikecrazy on Mar 16, 2016 19:35:20 GMT
Who's paying the payments on the car if there are any? who pays the insurance? Who pays the taxes and registration? If I'm doing all those things, it's MY CAR. If he he wants to use the excuse that it's legal in "some states" then he should start making plans to move to one of those states. I'd probably also consider letting him talk to some cop about how it's not legal in YOUR STATE. ...and guess who lives right next door? Yup...a sheriff's department deputy.
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
Jun 25, 2014 20:06:48 GMT
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Post by freebird on Mar 16, 2016 19:40:32 GMT
Who's paying the payments on the car if there are any? who pays the insurance? Who pays the taxes and registration? If I'm doing all those things, it's MY CAR. If he he wants to use the excuse that it's legal in "some states" then he should start making plans to move to one of those states. I'd probably also consider letting him talk to some cop about how it's not legal in YOUR STATE. ...and guess who lives right next door? Yup...a sheriff's department deputy. It's fate. I'd get my name off of his car then and make him quote out a policy on his own. That price my shock him into reality. Send him over to geico.com and just quote one online without you as parents on the car. Might be a good place to start. He'll jump from $50/mo to $200/mo. That's a lot of pot he can't afford. lol
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Mar 16, 2016 23:38:16 GMT
I paid for car. No payments are due each month. He pays his own insurance. He has a policy for him alone. He can not drive our cars. Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships.
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Post by crimsoncat05 on Mar 16, 2016 23:48:27 GMT
^^^ seriously, cycworker ? No matter what you think of it philosophically, the fact remains that in the state where they live, marijuana is STILL a DEA-controlled Schedule I substance, and it is illegal. With all the negative ramifications that come along with that, if he gets caught with it by the authorities. And you think that's overreacting?? huh. I am still amazed at some of the things you post; I don't know why I should be, but I am.
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 16, 2016 23:56:37 GMT
I paid for car. No payments are due each month. He pays his own insurance. He has a policy for him alone. He can not drive our cars. Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships. Would you take the same stance if he was drinking and driving? I'm sorry, but driving high is not okay. He can kill himself or he can kill others. I smoked pot as a teen. The pot I smoked was way less potent than what they have now. I don't have a problem with someone who is of legal age smoking pot (I'm in Colorado, it is legal). I will not condone my child smoking pot pre-21 and I would bust his ass for driving high just as I would if he was drinking and driving.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 17, 2016 0:40:08 GMT
I think we need to separate out smoking pot and driving under the influence. I don't care if it's pot, alcohol, or a prescribed medication - if you're driving under the influence you are risking the lives of others - that's a hill I'll die on. But for the record, in most states even where marijuana is illegal, it is NOT a felony to possess a small amount (if he's in possession of multiple pounds of marijuana you have a substantially larger problem on your hand).
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Post by christine58 on Mar 17, 2016 0:41:21 GMT
I paid for car. No payments are due each month. He pays his own insurance. He has a policy for him alone. He can not drive our cars. Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships. You're SO wrong...so wrong. If he gets high, drives and kills someone what would your comment be then cycworker?? It's illegal...He lives IN THEIR house. I don't give a rats ass how old he is and what he is doing well...He lives in their house....their rules. Invite the neighbor over the next time he comes home from work stoned.
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quiltz
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,696
Location: CANADA
Jun 29, 2014 16:13:28 GMT
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Post by quiltz on Mar 17, 2016 0:48:29 GMT
I paid for car. No payments are due each month. He pays his own insurance. He has a policy for him alone. He can not drive our cars. Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships. It is an illegal product being used by a person who is under-age. The legal consequences would be/could be life changing. Not happening in my home.
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Post by meridon on Mar 17, 2016 1:21:15 GMT
You might want to also rethink the job. It is likely where he is getting his weed and/or hanging out with other potheads. Sure, not everyone who works in a restaurant is on drugs, but a lot more of them are than you might think. That's been my DH's experience coming from 10+ years of working in restaurant management. Virtually no restaurants do drug testing, not even to get hired much less of employees on a regular basis.
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johnnysmom
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,682
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:33 GMT
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Post by johnnysmom on Mar 17, 2016 1:39:45 GMT
I take it he's not in any school sports that have code of conduct rules? What about the risk of drug dogs at school? Mommy and daddy being mad isn't going to make him stop, he needs some sort of outside influence/risk. Losing a scholarship, kicked off a team, expelled from school and not graduating, risking job loss, etc etc. what plans does he has for after graduation? Is he prepared to take a drug test, it's not unheard of for employers to require hair samples for drug tests, pretty sure drugs can be detected in the hair for quite awhile.
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Post by crazy4scraps on Mar 17, 2016 3:06:04 GMT
^^^ seriously, cycworker ? No matter what you think of it philosophically, the fact remains that in the state where they live, marijuana is STILL a DEA-controlled Schedule I substance, and it is illegal. With all the negative ramifications that come along with that, if he gets caught with it by the authorities. And you think that's overreacting?? huh. I am still amazed at some of the things you post; I don't know why I should be, but I am. Alcohol is *legal* in all 50 states, but if you get a DUI (even if you don't wreck the car or hurt/kill yourself or someone else) it costs a bundle of money to get yourself out of that mess. I can't imagine getting caught driving while high on pot would be any different, especially since it's illegal in the OP's state. Someone in my extended family was stopped while driving drunk and the lawyer fees alone were over $5K. Then there were impound fees, court costs, higher insurance premiums (once driving privileges were reinstated), lost wages from missing work, and I don't know what all else. I don't know too many 18 year old high schoolers who have that kind of disposable cash laying around that isn't earmarked for something else. Plus sitting in jail is probably not the most fun thing ever either. My motto growing up was to never get messed up in anything I couldn't get myself out of on my own, so doing drugs of any kind was automatically ruled out as something I was willing to involve myself in. Oh, and one of my immediate family members died of a heroin overdose at age 21, so there's that too. Pot absolutely can be a gateway drug. It was in my family, several times over.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 17, 2016 8:09:14 GMT
Who funds the car? If it is you, confiscate it. If he can't work, he can't earn and won't be able to afford the weed.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
I'd love a cup of tea. #1966
Posts: 7,394
Location: Third Rock from the sun.
Jun 28, 2014 14:08:19 GMT
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Post by anniebygaslight on Mar 17, 2016 8:09:54 GMT
Who funds the car? If it is you, confiscate it. If he can't work, he can't earn and won't be able to afford the weed.
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Post by gar on Mar 17, 2016 9:09:53 GMT
I paid for car. No payments are due each month. He pays his own insurance. He has a policy for him alone. He can not drive our cars. Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships. 18 year olds are technically adults but they're not necessarily suddenly and immediately the wisest beings on the planet believe me. They often still need guidance and sometimes they need to have salient facts and possible ramifications pointed out to them because they don't always think things through.
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cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,375
Jun 26, 2014 0:42:38 GMT
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Post by cycworker on Mar 23, 2016 23:29:36 GMT
Then it's his car and you shouldn't be using it to manipulate him. I think a bunch of you are overreacting. It's pot. It's not a hard drug, like coke or heroin or meth. And marijuana is NOT a gateway drug. Listen to jeremysgirl & darcycollins. If you take the hardass approach of your dh & some of the posters here, you may not have a relationship with your son left. It is NOT a hill worth dying on. Hard drugs? Yes. But pot? No. No way. The more you make a big deal about this and baby him by thinking it's your place to tell an 18 yr old who is holding down a job, finishing school & paying his car insurance, the longer he'll keep smoking & the more damage you'll do to your long term relationships. Would you take the same stance if he was drinking and driving? I'm sorry, but driving high is not okay. He can kill himself or he can kill others. I smoked pot as a teen. The pot I smoked was way less potent than what they have now. I don't have a problem with someone who is of legal age smoking pot (I'm in Colorado, it is legal). I will not condone my child smoking pot pre-21 and I would bust his ass for driving high just as I would if he was drinking and driving. Sorry gang, I meant to come back to this. I'm not saying let him drive high. Of course not. Nor am I saying let him smoke weed in your home. I'm saying that a harm reduction approach - no driving after smoking pot, no doing it in public where you can be seen & get arrested, etc. - is alot more effective than outright prohibition. Prohibition doesn't work. You won't stop him & he'll be more likely to do something stupid than if you just sat down & talked to him & set boundaries as to where & when he can safely indulge & how he'll get home safely. Anything else is just burying your head in the sand.
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Post by anonrefugee on Mar 23, 2016 23:40:15 GMT
When my teen tried it- and got caught at most inappropriate time and place - we learned he had a strong, well reasoned argument about choosing it over alcohol. Except he neglected the fact it is illegal here, and probably will be for a long time.
Teens, in particular teen boys, can be stupid until they learn the hard way. I think ours realized how many parts of his life could have been ruined if he'd had one random drug test at work or sports. We have fingers crossed the lesson will stick with him.
I'm sorry I have no advice, only sympathy. Your title describes my feelings on any given day as I mother teen boys.
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caro
Drama Llama
Refupea 1130
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Jun 26, 2014 14:10:36 GMT
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Post by caro on Mar 23, 2016 23:54:38 GMT
You need to put the car and the insurance in his name if you are going to allow him to drive impaired. If that's what he is doing he is risking everything you and your DH have ever worked for. This is a very important statement. You are knowingly allowing him to drive impaired on your insurance. How would you feel knowing this and he killed someone?
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Mar 24, 2016 17:09:26 GMT
My DS is 18 and a Senior. Basically a good kid. Average grades. Works for a restaurant and has for a long time. Has a car...(used, but nice). He's smoking weed. We've talked to him about how we don't like it...don't want him to do this...DH is fed up. First DH says, "let's get him graduated from HS because I feel we have that duty, but after that, he can move out if he keeps this up." I feel like it's possibly a phase and maybe he'll get out of it. I smoked it back at that age, but I honestly didn't really like it...it made me paranoid. lol. Now DH feels mad again and wants him to move out...but he says that when he's mad and then calms down and so I don't know...DH is just sooo very frustrated. I need advice from people that don't know me...it just seems like I can't decide whether to be super stern about it or not to. At this point we have not told him anything but DH said when he got home from restaurant last night he could tell he'd been doing it again. Thanks ladies...please go easy. I'm just really sad right now. So if your husband could tell he had been smoking when he got home from work, that probably means he was driving while impaired. If my kid were doing that while living under my roof, the keys would be gone. Period. Just as if I had a parent living with me who went out to golf with his buddies and drove home drunk -- I'd take his keys too. Because I don't want them to KILL SOMEONE. I don't care if you own the car and pay insurance, if you live under my roof, your right to drive ends when you are a danger to others. Also, if your son gets busted for driving under the influence -- who is going to pay his bail? Hihs lawyer's fees? His court costs? His fines? Are you aware of just how much money that can be? And what far-reaching effects it can have not only on him, but on you? As an example, I know someone who ended up paying over $15K when her son got pulled over for and convicted of a DUI. $15K. She and her husband both had to get second jobs (given a limited time frame to do so, had to guarantee the repayment as the lawyer would not accept a guarantee from a 19 year old). PLUS, the son lost his athletic scholarship as a result of the conviction and had to drop out of college. And on and on, the consequences keep piling up like shit in an outhouse hole. And then there's the girl up the street (now a woman), who killed a mother and baby while driving under the influence of pot over 15 years ago. Her wages are still being garnished to repay the civil judgment against her for 2 cases of wrongful death. So, no, this is not a time to baby your son or worry about him losing his job because he doesn't have a car. Or allow people to downplay the seriousness of his behavior by saying getting stoned is somehow better than getting drunk. Both behaviors while driving are reprehensible.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,421
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 24, 2016 17:28:07 GMT
I have teens and DD gave us a run for our money in high school. Nothing illegal but she was difficult to live with at times. I think you need to allow him to graduate while living at home. However, put him on notice that if the weed use continues, he will be out the day after graduation. This includes use away from the house. If he wants to make his own choices, that includes everything.
I've never smoked anything but DH did experiment in college. If 19 yo DD came home from college now and was smoking anything, I would want her to live elsewhere. If she can afford the stuff to smoke, she can afford to pay her own way.
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Post by BeckyTech on Mar 24, 2016 17:45:36 GMT
But for the record, in most states even where marijuana is illegal, it is NOT a felony to possess a small amount Even if it's not a felony, don't most jobs run your name through a database to see if you've ever had an encounter involving more than just speeding tickets? I don't think it costs very much to do that and a misdemeanor would probably show up, wouldn't it? What a waste it would be to ruin or limit your chances of potential employment for such a stupid thing. And the college entrance/scholarship impact as well.
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Post by SnowWhite on Mar 24, 2016 19:29:50 GMT
But for the record, in most states even where marijuana is illegal, it is NOT a felony to possess a small amount Even if it's not a felony, don't most jobs run your name through a database to see if you've ever had an encounter involving more than just speeding tickets? I don't think it costs very much to do that and a misdemeanor would probably show up, wouldn't it? What a waste it would be to ruin or limit your chances of potential employment for such a stupid thing. And the college entrance/scholarship impact as well. It seems to me there's been a weird shift in attitudes towards criminal records. This shocks me as I have no criminal record and as far as I know, neither do any of the people close to me. I was at the salon a few months back and they were talking about a recent rash of car break-ins and my stylist and the stylist next to us were chatting and made mention of hoping they ran the fingerprints through the system. I pointed out that was of no use unless the fingerprints were actually in the system. The other stylist said "Sure, but something as simple as a DUI will get you into the system these days." I was all and and . Then I remembered my stylist commenting before about her boyfriend/fiance/babydaddy/whatever having three DUIs and a suspended license and just shut my mouth and went back to staring in the mirror. For the record, my fingerprints are not in the system anywhere.
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julieb
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,845
Jul 3, 2014 16:02:54 GMT
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Post by julieb on Mar 24, 2016 21:10:42 GMT
My sister is in the same boat as you with her ds. He graduated a few years ago and has no aspirations. If it was me, I would tell him that in order to live in the house he has to test drug free. Otherwise, you're on your own. It pissed me off that my sister was giving him money and paying for his phone and car insurance. Finally, a few months ago, she made him start paying her, but he's still smoking weed. Yes, illegal in our state.
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Post by mymindseyedpea on Mar 24, 2016 21:22:38 GMT
You say you don't know if you need to get advice, vent or what. After reading your post I felt you just needed to express how this scares you. At least that's what I felt in your words.
I've never done weed myself other than having a Jossie Gellar moment with a rice crispy treat when I was 17. But I do know a lot of people who do, including all my cousins, my dad, my mom, former co workers..etc So it's like I'm the "odd one out" but I'm perfectly fine with that. My dad has even offered it to me when I was younger and I politely declined.
I just don't get it. Why such the craze? I understand that it's like an escape from reality that can be more peaceful and carefree.
But I get that way in coloring, meditation or burning sage.
I'm sure if I ever smoked weed with the way I am I would freak out. Some I know have gotten in altered states before and were so resistant to it that they still feel like they are in one and will never smoke weed again. And then I have one cousin completely obsessed with it that it's his life.
I hope your son is aware of these scenarios.
I'm not trying to knock people doing it or those who did. Like I said I understand how it can make one feel.
At my cousin's memorial ( the cousin I mentioned's brother ) by the river there were many doing it and I could feel myself feeling more lighter in my body when in the environment. My dad almost as obsessed as my cousin would do it in my grandmother's garage and it would come through the house when I was just a kid. So I'm no stranger to being around it.
It's just I feel there are many other ways to reach this state of peace that seem more inviting to me than smoking something to get there.
But I wanted to point out that why try to escape reality? I could see that when it gets too overwhelming that taking a visit away from that would be supported.
But maybe embracing reality in a way so you don't have to feel like escaping it might have a longer lasting high.
Those are just my insights about your situation. I hope you find something that works for you guys.
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Post by birukitty on Mar 24, 2016 21:43:37 GMT
Would you take the same stance if he was drinking and driving? I'm sorry, but driving high is not okay. He can kill himself or he can kill others. I smoked pot as a teen. The pot I smoked was way less potent than what they have now. I don't have a problem with someone who is of legal age smoking pot (I'm in Colorado, it is legal). I will not condone my child smoking pot pre-21 and I would bust his ass for driving high just as I would if he was drinking and driving. Sorry gang, I meant to come back to this. I'm not saying let him drive high. Of course not. Nor am I saying let him smoke weed in your home. I'm saying that a harm reduction approach - no driving after smoking pot, no doing it in public where you can be seen & get arrested, etc. - is alot more effective than outright prohibition. Prohibition doesn't work. You won't stop him & he'll be more likely to do something stupid than if you just sat down & talked to him & set boundaries as to where & when he can safely indulge & how he'll get home safely. Anything else is just burying your head in the sand. I agree with everything Cycworker has said. In my opinion your DH is overreacting when he ways he wants to throw your DS out of the house. Why? You've got a good son who makes decent grades, holds down a part time job (at least I think it is) and is soon to graduate high school. He's never been in trouble and now you find out he's been smoking a little weed. So what? It is NOT a gate way drug. It is much safer than alcohol. It is not additive like alcohol is. It will not kill him like alcohol will. Do you know how many people died from a pot overdose last year? 0! That's right. Do you know how many teens died from alcohol poisoning last year? Quite a few. I don't know the exact number but it's probably in the thousands or more. Your son is 18. It's likely he is going to try something by now. If he was my son I wouldn't be planning to throw him out of the house. I would sit him down and make some rules. 1. No smoking and driving. Call me anytime day or night if you need a ride home because you've been partying and you shouldn't drive home. I don't care where you are or what time it is, and I promise I won't give you a hard time. (I did that when my son was a teen). 2. No smoking in my house and no drugs or paraphernalia in my house. 3. Be very discreet and careful because your future depends on it. Yes, it's illegal, but it shouldn't be since alcohol is and it's a much more dangerous drug. That's my opinion. If I were you I'd do the above. I did, and my son never tried anything stronger than pot. Said he was always afraid to. Same with me when I was in college. I smoked pot way back then in the 1970's. Haven't since then. Debbie in MD.
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Post by cmpeter on Mar 24, 2016 23:03:23 GMT
Pot is legal here. For our teens we treat it the same way we would underage drinking. I certainly wouldn't kick my 18 year old out of the house for drinking or smoking. I would confiscate the car if he was driving under the influence of either substance.
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zella
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,884
Jul 7, 2014 19:36:30 GMT
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Post by zella on Mar 25, 2016 1:07:59 GMT
I may not be the best person to give advice on this, since I'm such a softie, but kicking your kid out of the house, even when they are over 18, is almost always harsh, IMO.
I don't think the dope itself is a big issue, since you say he's doing okay in school and has a job. The two rules I'd insist on are that he can't smoke in or around your house (or keep it in your house if it's illegal in your state); and he can't smoke and drive. If the car or insurance are in your name, I'd want to be sure he doesn't keep pot in the car either.
But kick him out? No. Not unless he's being a complete ass, and that doesn't seem to be the case here at all.
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Mar 25, 2016 1:14:20 GMT
Even if it's not a felony, don't most jobs run your name through a database to see if you've ever had an encounter involving more than just speeding tickets? I don't think it costs very much to do that and a misdemeanor would probably show up, wouldn't it? What a waste it would be to ruin or limit your chances of potential employment for such a stupid thing. And the college entrance/scholarship impact as well. It seems to me there's been a weird shift in attitudes towards criminal records. This shocks me as I have no criminal record and as far as I know, neither do any of the people close to me. I was at the salon a few months back and they were talking about a recent rash of car break-ins and my stylist and the stylist next to us were chatting and made mention of hoping they ran the fingerprints through the system. I pointed out that was of no use unless the fingerprints were actually in the system. The other stylist said "Sure, but something as simple as a DUI will get you into the system these days." I was all and and . Then I remembered my stylist commenting before about her boyfriend/fiance/babydaddy/whatever having three DUIs and a suspended license and just shut my mouth and went back to staring in the mirror. For the record, my fingerprints are not in the system anywhere. My fingerprints are "in the system" because I volunteer with children and it's required so there are more than criminal reasons for having fingerprints in the network!
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