trollie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,580
Jul 2, 2014 22:14:02 GMT
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Post by trollie on Mar 20, 2016 3:12:21 GMT
I would let her come home.
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Post by Hayjaker on Mar 20, 2016 3:30:27 GMT
Well, she's an ADULT now. Living with your adult child is way different from living with your high school student. Even when my college kids are home for breaks and the summer, it's way different. The only way I'd let them come home in your circumstances, is if all expectations were completely laid out. Also, I would rethink buying a car for your teen son and ADULT daughter to share. That sounds like a plan sure to fail. I think that as an adult she has to make decisions and mistakes. What is her pro/con list and what is her plan to address barriers (such as transportation)?
ETA: I would ALWAYS let them come home. As long as I live, my kids can come home to me. As an adult coming home I would have different expectations of them from when they were kids.
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AmeliaBloomer
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,842
Location: USA
Jun 26, 2014 5:01:45 GMT
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Post by AmeliaBloomer on Mar 20, 2016 3:31:02 GMT
I would let her come home. Yup. College success is is often dependent on "fit." That school doesn't sound like a good fit; in fact, it sounds rather bleak. She gave it a try; she did well in her classes. There's no shame - or failure - in transferring. Hope y'all come to a "meeting of the minds."
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Post by mlynn on Mar 20, 2016 4:30:40 GMT
I would require her to finish out the year where she is. I would let her choose her school for next year. I might require her to make up the missed credits during the summer session. Summer is usually shorter, and often easier.
As for transportation and housing...I could go either way with the car. I would let her live at home over the summer, but reserve judgement for the school year after seeing how it goes. Lay out your expectations in detail and specifically address what was going on her senior year.
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YooHoot
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,432
Jun 26, 2014 3:11:50 GMT
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Post by YooHoot on Mar 20, 2016 4:33:42 GMT
My children will always be allowed to come home. I never want them to feel stuck in a situation. It won't be forever.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 20, 2016 6:27:22 GMT
It was pretty tense here this afternoon with the situation but we all seemed to put it aside to go out together tonight to enjoy her last night here. I advised them to see a a counselor to help figure it out and while it seemed agreeable, she couldn't do that until she comes home for summer and needs an answer sooner. If she stays, she could probably get a resident advisor position, but needs to apply for that next month.
She said she wouldn't want to get it and not stay therefore making it so someone else loses out that is staying and affecting their living situation (they would get their own room rent free vs. having to get a roommate).
She seems to have some valid arguments for coming home so I hope they can find a way to figure it out.
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 20, 2016 7:11:44 GMT
I advised them to see a a counselor I hope they can find a way to figure it out. I'm a bit confused.... who is "them" and "they"? Your husband and daughter?
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Post by darkchami on Mar 20, 2016 7:25:28 GMT
I went to community college and then transferred to a university. Not for one minute do I feel like I missed out on college life.
Honestly, it seems like your daughter is missing out right now. With few opportunities to make friends, join clubs, and be social, what does your daughter even have a chance to look forward to? It sounds like there are many more opportunities at home.
Forcing her to stay where she is miserable won't make her a better student. It really just guarantees that she resents her dad every day that she is there.
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Post by Lindarina on Mar 20, 2016 8:30:29 GMT
She's an adult and I think it's completely up to her to chose what she wants to do with her life. Of course, if you are supporting her financially you get to decide wether you want go pay for those choices or not It's also you and your husbands decision wether you let her move back in or not. And I think it's fair for you to expect adult behavior from her if she does moves home again.
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momto4kiddos
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,153
Jun 26, 2014 11:45:15 GMT
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Post by momto4kiddos on Mar 20, 2016 12:05:50 GMT
I'd let her come home, seems the college isn't a good fit for her and she's given it a very reasonable chance. I would want her to finish out the semester though, which I assumed from your post she was. I just can't see having someone in an unhappy situation. I would decide on "rules" for her coming home - like continuing her education, working, her attitude, etc. I have a 19 yo who had a hell of an attitude last summer (to the point he was out of the house.) He's matured a lot over the year and he is so nice to be around now!! I also have a dd in her 20's who was out for college, living with friends for a bit. She found it to be lonely and expensive. Given that we have 4 kids there is always someone around and it's never quiet so I guess the quiet was lonely for her I'm not opposed to it, she works full-time, is out with friends, is saving money. I don't mind that she likes living here
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 20, 2016 16:17:57 GMT
I advised them to see a a counselor I hope they can find a way to figure it out. I'm a bit confused.... who is "them" and "they"? Your husband and daughter? Yes. I think I may have an idea though. He and I could go see one and I could give the counselor her spiel since i agree with her. He needs to hear it from a professional that developmentally (maybe?), it should be her decision and it could negatively impact their relationship if he digs in his heels. However, ultimately he can't make her stay IMO.
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Post by auntkelly on Mar 20, 2016 18:12:37 GMT
I would let her come home after she finished the semester. I would insist that she come up w/ a plan for the next few years before coming home.
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 20, 2016 18:20:43 GMT
I advised them to see a a counselor I hope they can find a way to figure it out. I'm a bit confused.... who is "them" and "they"? Your husband and daughter? Yea, I was totally confused about this also. WHY in the world would you need a counselor to decide on a family matter? Like..can't you guys think for yourselves? I don't mean this meanly, but, it seems like an family matter, decided between you guys?
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Mar 20, 2016 20:41:55 GMT
Perhaps I am getting my peas confused here but I would have sworn that you had a problematic home life as it is and were letting things ride or play out to see if it was time to bail or not. Any time I've seen you mention your daughter it was usually to point out that she was hell to live with before and you were so relieved that she was out of the immediate drama. Have things settled enough to bring in a possible stressor? If not, how will everyone be affected? Frankly it's not about what any one individual wants, it's about what's best for all of you. I hope you can find a compromise that works for everyone and doesn't exacerbate already existing conditions.
I get a mom wanting her kids to have a landing pad. But don't put yourself or others in a position for a repeat. Make firm rules with known consequences and stick to them. It'll be to everyone's benefit.
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Post by shannoots on Mar 20, 2016 21:29:05 GMT
I went to college for a semester and then went back home to live with my parents for a few months before moving to a different school. I honestly would have been very upset if my parents wouldn't let me come back home to figure things out. She is an adult so I think the decision to change schools is hers. On the flip side, she is an adult so I guess you don't have to let her live at home(but I personally would).
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Post by jovifan on Mar 21, 2016 1:13:27 GMT
Is 'daddy' paying her tuition? Why is it up to him where she goes to school? She's an adult, she can say yep, I'm outta here!
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 21, 2016 3:23:47 GMT
Perhaps I am getting my peas confused here but I would have sworn that you had a problematic home life as it is and were letting things ride or play out to see if it was time to bail or not. Any time I've seen you mention your daughter it was usually to point out that she was hell to live with before and you were so relieved that she was out of the immediate drama. Have things settled enough to bring in a possible stressor? If not, how will everyone be affected? Frankly it's not about what any one individual wants, it's about what's best for all of you. I hope you can find a compromise that works for everyone and doesn't exacerbate already existing conditions. I get a mom wanting her kids to have a landing pad. But don't put yourself or others in a position for a repeat. Make firm rules with known consequences and stick to them. It'll be to everyone's benefit. Yes I am the same person. I just got a job today that looks like it will keep out of the house a lot! At least for the warmer months here in Southern CA. DD has matured a lot this year and we get along pretty well. I would say we are close but we also have our battles like any mother/daughter duo. She was hell to live with during high school but is stable now with no meds/therapy. I would hope if allowed back that she would have a new appreciation for home.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 21, 2016 3:28:10 GMT
I advised them to see a a counselor I hope they can find a way to figure it out. I'm a bit confused.... who is "them" and "they"? Your husband and daughter? Yea, I was totally confused about this also. WHY in the world would you need a counselor to decide on a family matter? Like..can't you guys think for yourselves? I don't mean this meanly, but, it seems like an family matter, decided between you guys? That's a good question. I'm just not sure how to remedy it with DH not wanting her home. It's not her past behavior that he's worried about. He just thinks it's good for young people to be on their own and he wants her to stay since she's doing "so well." He doesn't get that she has no social scene whatsoever and that is huge to a girl her age. I think he's reflecting back on his own college experience fondly and thinks that's how it is for her too. It's his home too but I know he can't force her to stay in a place she hates. I am hoping the counselor can tell him from a developmental standpoint that she is an adult, and should be able to choose. I can tell him that until I'm blue in the face, but if it comes from a "professional," he might actually listen. They get along fine but he thinks this is best for her. I completely disagree as does she.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 21, 2016 3:29:01 GMT
Is 'daddy' paying her tuition? Why is it up to him where she goes to school? She's an adult, she can say yep, I'm outta here! We are paying her tuition but it's a family effort. She got her own loan, but for now, we are paying it.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 20:59:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 3:41:08 GMT
I'm a bit confused.... who is "them" and "they"? Your husband and daughter? Yes. I think I may have an idea though. He and I could go see one and I could give the counselor her spiel since i agree with her. He needs to hear it from a professional that developmentally (maybe?), it should be her decision and it could negatively impact their relationship if he digs in his heels. However, ultimately he can't make her stay IMO. I'm not sure going to a counselor for the purpose of finding an ally to convince your husband of your point of view is the best approach...sounds a little manipulative Truth be told, his approach could be just as effective on her development as the come home approach Has he explained why he feels so confident that his point of view is the best approach? Can he see any positive points to her coming home? Not your positive points, but can he see any on his own?
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 21, 2016 3:45:46 GMT
Yes. I think I may have an idea though. He and I could go see one and I could give the counselor her spiel since i agree with her. He needs to hear it from a professional that developmentally (maybe?), it should be her decision and it could negatively impact their relationship if he digs in his heels. However, ultimately he can't make her stay IMO. I'm not sure going to a counselor for the purpose of finding an ally to convince your husband of your point of view is the best approach...sounds a little manipulative Truth be told, his approach could be just as effective on her development as the come home approach Has he explained why he feels so confident that his point of view is the best approach? Can he see any positive points to her coming home? Not your positive points, but can he see any on his own? That's a very valid question. I wouldn't go to the counselor for the sole purpose of him telling me I'm right. Who knows, maybe it would go the other way. I'm open to discussing the pros/cons. I will have to ask DH if he sees any pros to her coming home. I personally wouldn't want to be stuck somewhere for year where I wasn't happy. I liken it to a job he had before the current one. The current one isn't the best (no benefits, long commute, long hours, average pay but he enjoys the work once he gets there). However, he says he couldn't stay at the last one any longer. Seems similar to me.
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Post by peasapie on Mar 21, 2016 11:32:53 GMT
I would let my child come home for jr college and then go away for college. I don't know of any great boarding experiences at the junior college level.
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Post by christine58 on Mar 21, 2016 11:57:51 GMT
Perhaps I am getting my peas confused here but I would have sworn that you had a problematic home life as it is and were letting things ride or play out to see if it was time to bail or not. Any time I've seen you mention your daughter it was usually to point out that she was hell to live with before and you were so relieved that she was out of the immediate drama. Have things settled enough to bring in a possible stressor? If not, how will everyone be affected? Frankly it's not about what any one individual wants, it's about what's best for all of you. I hope you can find a compromise that works for everyone and doesn't exacerbate already existing conditions. I get a mom wanting her kids to have a landing pad. But don't put yourself or others in a position for a repeat. Make firm rules with known consequences and stick to them. It'll be to everyone's benefit. Yes I am the same person. I just got a job today that looks like it will keep out of the house a lot! At least for the warmer months here in Southern CA. DD has matured a lot this year and we get along pretty well. I would say we are close but we also have our battles like any mother/daughter duo. She was hell to live with during high school but is stable now with no meds/therapy. I would hope if allowed back that she would have a new appreciation for home. I thought you were a bus driver??? Anyhow---there would be rules set down before she came home. She caused a lot of drama and crap before.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 28, 2024 20:59:19 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2016 12:55:25 GMT
She is an adult. She says it's not a good fit for her. I don't see how you can make her stay somewhere she doesn't like? It hurts my heart picturing my own daughter in that situation.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 21, 2016 14:30:44 GMT
Yes I am the same person. I just got a job today that looks like it will keep out of the house a lot! At least for the warmer months here in Southern CA. DD has matured a lot this year and we get along pretty well. I would say we are close but we also have our battles like any mother/daughter duo. She was hell to live with during high school but is stable now with no meds/therapy. I would hope if allowed back that she would have a new appreciation for home. I thought you were a bus driver??? Anyhow---there would be rules set down before she came home. She caused a lot of drama and crap before. Yes I did drive kids to school before but lost that job a couple weeks ago. I was lucky to find another one so quickly and it looks like there be a lot of hours. There would definitely be rules put in place and everyone would sign a copy of expectations if she comes back.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,428
Jun 26, 2014 2:34:35 GMT
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Post by luvnlifelady on Apr 7, 2016 4:01:28 GMT
I appreciate everyone's input. I figured I'd update with the final decision.
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