luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 22:43:07 GMT
Update 4-6
It's been awhile but DH finally told her that she was welcome to come home if she wants (she does). We had planned to go see a counselor about it last week but the counselor had to cancel due to being sick. We then planned to go tomorrow but DH decided to agree with us instead. DD talked to DH's sister (who we all respect) and she talked to him. I guess he saw the light after that and thinks that socially, her current location is not a good fit. Obviously that's huge for a teen girl. There are other benefits to coming back too.
There will be expectations laid out and then reviewed every 6 months. There is some nervousness on my part because I'm sure there will be some adjustments to re-entry but hopefully she's learned a lot being on her own for a year. I appreciate all the input. In the end, I just think it was her decision to make regardless of where we wanted her. I think coming back will be good for her overall. Only time will tell.
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but DH doesn't agree. Would you let your child?
She wanted to experience snow (we live in San Diego) so chose that school. It's in a small, ski resort town (Mammoth) in eastern CA. She wanted to come home pretty quickly but decided to tough it out for a year. There are some pros/cons to coming home or staying. DH wants her to stay another year although she will not be done in that amount of time.
Some cons to the school:
Very small housing numbers (about 30 kids total in apartment style housing and she is not with a roommate although that's how it started).
Very small campus with no food service or clubs/on campus jobs or social scene. Also limited class options.
Climate. She's over the snow...lol!
Distance/expense to getting her to/from home
No car so she relies on free bus service that is limited in routes and times.
Expense of rent/tuition unless she can become a resident advisor (somewhat likely).
Pros: She has a good paying job at an outdoor apparel store in town.
She's doing well in school but dropped one class each semester so is going to be 2 classes shy of a full-load.
Cons to coming home:
Living with her again could be a challenge as she was difficult in high school
Sharing a car or getting another for the kids as we will soon have 4 drivers and only 2 cars.
Pros: cost savings
local JC is close by and has many more class options with clubs/extra curriculars
Those are the basics. I personally think that since she has given it a year and realized it's not for her, she should be able to choose. DH does not agree. I wanted her to attend another high school junior/senior year and "lost" out on that at the last minute since I let her choose. I think she's old enough to make up her own mind and he just wants to compare it to his college experience. Well, it was a lot different with a full campus scene. I'm already tired of their arguing about it.
Would you let her decide for herself or encourage her to stay?
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Post by christine58 on Mar 19, 2016 22:46:13 GMT
Cons to coming home: Living with her again could be a challenge as she was difficult in high school Sharing a car or getting another for the kids as we will soon have 4 drivers and only 2 cars. Pros: cost savings local JC is close by and has many more class options with clubs/extra curriculars Let her come home BUT not live at home. |
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 19, 2016 22:47:43 GMT
Let her come home BUT not live at home. This was my thought too. Come on home, but find a place to live. |
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Post by freecharlie on Mar 19, 2016 22:48:16 GMT
Oh and I wouldn't force someone to live where they don't want to. That is asking for her grades to drop.
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Post by 950nancy on Mar 19, 2016 22:49:49 GMT
My son is attending a university in town. We encouraged him to live in the dorms. We knew he would meet more people and have a better experience. He was ready to move back home at Christmas. We told him to find out about the cost and make the decision. He opted to stick it out for the rest of this year. He would love to live with his girlfriend in an apartment close to campus. I told him I wouldn't finance his sleeping arrangements.  I think kids should get to decide if they live on campus. If it isn't a good situation, they won't try very hard with school. I agree with you. It should be her choice. |
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Post by littlemama on Mar 19, 2016 22:50:59 GMT
Can she live at the local junior college? We dont have junior college in our state, but I'm assuming it is like community college. Some of them have housing and some don't.
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Post by monklady123 on Mar 19, 2016 22:57:55 GMT
I would let her come home. And even if she was "difficult" in high school she might have matured a lot in a year.
I would always let my kids come home from a not-ideal living experience. If they're home for too long then we can encourage them to move on, but I want my kids always to know they can come home.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:05:50 GMT
Thanks for all the input so far. I like the idea of letting her come home and live elsewhere. However, part of the appeal of her coming home is the cost savings and we have the room. She could contribute to her own living situation, but not support herself totally right now with attending school (I know some kids do, but I don't see her being able to do that at this time). It is an idea though.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:07:03 GMT
I would let her come home. And even if she was "difficult" in high school she might have matured a lot in a year. I would always let my kids come home from a not-ideal living experience. If they're home for too long then we can encourage them to move on, but I want my kids always to know they can come home. Good point. She has definitely matured. I can tell in our conversations. She's way more insightful. One of my points to letting her come back is nobody would want to stay in a place they are miserable. She gave it fair shot IMO. |
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smginaz Suzy
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Jun 26, 2014 17:27:30 GMT
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Post by smginaz Suzy on Mar 19, 2016 23:15:27 GMT
Why are you responsible for her car situation if she is an adult? Maybe if she lives with you since you have room, she needs to still figure out her own transportation.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:29:20 GMT
Why are you responsible for her car situation if she is an adult? Maybe if she lives with you since you have room, she needs to still figure out her own transportation. Good point. We would probably buy one more used car for her and DS to share (maybe). He is getting his license in May. If she had a job or somehow sharing would be too much of a pain for everyone, then she would be expected to either pay for her own car or at least contribute substantially. The good thing if DS had his own transportation pretty much is that it would free me up to work more since his school is too far to walk and there is no bus transportation. |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:30:26 GMT
Can she live at the local junior college? We dont have junior college in our state, but I'm assuming it is like community college. Some of them have housing and some don't. Good idea but the local JC's do not have housing. Only a very few select JC's in CA do and she is at one of them. All of them are very far away from us. |
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Post by cindyupnorth on Mar 19, 2016 23:34:22 GMT
The good thing if DS had his own transportation pretty much is that it would free me up to work more since his school is too far to walk and there is no bus transportation. I don't understand that. maybe its a CA thing, but then, HOW do all the kids get to school? you can't tell me everyone drives their kids? WHO can do that??!! |
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Post by cadoodlebug on Mar 19, 2016 23:36:52 GMT
Let her come home. Your DH sounds like he's trying to impose his college years on her and if she isn't happy, what's the point?
I have a friend whose son didn't do very well in high school but his dad refused to let him go to the local community college. He pulled some strings and got him accepted to a prestigious CA university which really ticked a lot of people off because he took someone's spot who deserved to be there. Long story short, he struggled and eventually flunked out. His dad is/was a jackass.
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:39:36 GMT
The good thing if DS had his own transportation pretty much is that it would free me up to work more since his school is too far to walk and there is no bus transportation. I don't understand that. maybe its a CA thing, but then, HOW do all the kids get to school? you can't tell me everyone drives their kids? WHO can do that??!! There is a city bus for some kids but it doesn't come anywhere near our house. Many kids have their own cars, some kids live close enough to walk, or parents drive. A lot of them do as the line into the school will attest. Other people carpool. We have tried that with limited success over the years. |
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Post by cadoodlebug on Mar 19, 2016 23:42:05 GMT
The good thing if DS had his own transportation pretty much is that it would free me up to work more since his school is too far to walk and there is no bus transportation. I don't understand that. maybe its a CA thing, but then, HOW do all the kids get to school? you can't tell me everyone drives their kids? WHO can do that??!! Our town stopped school bus service over 20 years ago. There is a city bus but not everyone lives close enough to ride it. Our high school is on the other side of town so when DS was in school DH would drop him off for early band on his way to work-out at the gym and I'd pick him up after school. Sometimes we would carpool. Truth be told, I enjoyed those days of talking to him on the way home ~ he was one of those rare kids who loved to share what was going on in his life. |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 19, 2016 23:50:53 GMT
I don't understand that. maybe its a CA thing, but then, HOW do all the kids get to school? you can't tell me everyone drives their kids? WHO can do that??!! Our town stopped school bus service over 20 years ago. There is a city bus but not everyone lives close enough to ride it. Our high school is on the other side of town so when DS was in school DH would drop him off for early band on his way to work-out at the gym and I'd pick him up after school. Sometimes we would carpool. Truth be told, I enjoyed those days of talking to him on the way home ~ he was one of those rare kids who loved to share what was going on in his life. My last job allowed me to get DS to school/pick him up pretty much daily. He filled in with Uber when I wasn't able to get him. I liked it when I could get him though since I was able to do it mostly for DD when she was that age. I have a possible good job opportunity though so he may have to Uber more until he gets his license in two months and then we will figure out the car thing hopefully. |
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AnotherPea
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Post by AnotherPea on Mar 19, 2016 23:57:18 GMT
OP, I say let her come home to stay but tell her she'll have to handle her own transportation. And lay down some ground rules regarding behavior. I too always want my kids to know there is a safe place for them to live if they need it.
Thread hijack - CA people - I have chatted with a lot of CA teachers and they say time after time that it is illegal for schools to require kids to bring their own supplies to school. So the schools (or teachers) have to provide everything for their students - pencils, paper, binders, etc. Is this true? It makes me scratch my head that a state can't expect parents to buy pencils but does require them to provide transportation.
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ellen
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Post by ellen on Mar 20, 2016 0:20:10 GMT
My daughter is also a college freshman living away from home. We were pretty sure that she'd like it, but we did let her know that if it ended up that she really didn't like it she could always come back and attend a local school. Since your daughter has not liked it from the beginning, I would not make her return for a second year. She doesn't have to live at home.
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Post by scrapmaven on Mar 20, 2016 0:25:07 GMT
Let her come home w/rules, guidelines and help her to graduate w/her B.A, because there are some very good state universities in your area and she can live at home, save money and commute. She's doing well, so if she comes home help her to feel successful. It's not failure, but it's a change of course. She's still college bound and ready to continue moving fwd in life. That she wants to be back home w/you speaks volumes after the tumult of the past few years. Just encourage, don't nag, encourage her to make the most of her education.
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Post by Darcy Collins on Mar 20, 2016 0:28:46 GMT
Is she planning on continuing on for a four year degree or will she stop with an AA? Most people I know who went to junior college ended up as transfer students at a four year degree. Cost was a huge driver, and they often lived at home to save money for the final two years. They had the "typical" college experience for their final 2 (and in some cases 3 years). If she plans to continue, I see absolutely no reason to force her to live remotely now. In all honesty, I don't really see the point in forcing her irregardless. I think college is the time when parents really need to start letting them make some of their own decisions. You can certainly guide, and there's no question that you can decide to pay or not pay for whatever you want - but I'd think long and hard about using that stick. If my kid was making a really stupid decision that will negatively impact them - I might tighten the purse strings - but which JC to attend? As long as both have decent programs in their area of study, that's a decision I'd leave in their hands.
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Post by Really Red on Mar 20, 2016 0:29:38 GMT
I have two 19yo freshman in college. Honestly, my biggest con to having them come home is that one of them was difficult and I don't want to live that again. My last child and I have a lovely life now.
That said, I wouldn't hesitate in saying yes. Sometimes kids just need to have choices. I'd lay down the rules and then stick to them. The rules are whatever you choose to live with.
One year is a very fair shot.
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Post by cadoodlebug on Mar 20, 2016 0:34:52 GMT
OP, I say let her come home to stay but tell her she'll have to handle her own transportation. And lay down some ground rules regarding behavior. I too always want my kids to know there is a safe place for them to live if they need it. Thread hijack - CA people - I have chatted with a lot of CA teachers and they say time after time that it is illegal for schools to require kids to bring their own supplies to school. So the schools (or teachers) have to provide everything for their students - pencils, paper, binders, etc. Is this true? It makes me scratch my head that a state can't expect parents to buy pencils but does require them to provide transportation. That wasn't the case when my son was in school. Maybe it has changed but I sure see the masses buying supplies at back-to-school sales. They did have two sets of books ~ the ones assigned to them stay at home, then there is a set in every classroom. We don't have lockers so that was pretty handy. |
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Post by Eddie-n-Harley on Mar 20, 2016 0:41:59 GMT
I really, really did not want to live in dorms in college. They said that freshmen were required to.
I hated it. (My roommate was okay, but she was in the "ooh, college is for drinking and testing boundaries" phase.)
My advisor helped me complete the paperwork to become a commuter student so I could live at home. I was way, way happier.
I think you need to discuss with your DH why exactly he doesn't want her to live at home. If it's because "oh, I had such a great time when I was in college and lived in the dorms," try to help him understand that dorm life is a different experience for everyone, and not everyone needs it to have a happy and successful college life. I really do not feel like I missed out on a single thing by not living at the dorm.
If the reason he doesn't want her at home is because of family dynamics, well, that's a different discussion to be sure. But if it's just because he thinks she'll be missing out, that is really her calculation to make, not his.
Good luck!
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Post by ntsf on Mar 20, 2016 0:45:05 GMT
it is against the law to REQUIRE kids to provide supplies. that doesn't mean that most schools don't ASK for supplies. there is a law that kids have to have equitable access to a complete education...such as textbooks, supplies. we still all buy supplies. but you can't require low income students to do so.
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Post by AussieMeg on Mar 20, 2016 1:12:07 GMT
Of course I would let my daughter come home. I don't see how it's even a question.
Keep in mind that kids here rarely move away from home to go to Uni unless they're in a country or regional town that has no universities. The vast majority of kids I know still live at home with their parents while going to uni. I realise it's completely different in the US which I guess is why people here are saying let her come home but not live at home.
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luvnlifelady
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 20, 2016 1:14:16 GMT
OP, I say let her come home to stay but tell her she'll have to handle her own transportation. And lay down some ground rules regarding behavior. I too always want my kids to know there is a safe place for them to live if they need it. Thread hijack - CA people - I have chatted with a lot of CA teachers and they say time after time that it is illegal for schools to require kids to bring their own supplies to school. So the schools (or teachers) have to provide everything for their students - pencils, paper, binders, etc. Is this true? It makes me scratch my head that a state can't expect parents to buy pencils but does require them to provide transportation. That wasn't the case when my son was in school. Maybe it has changed but I sure see the masses buying supplies at back-to-school sales. They did have two sets of books ~ the ones assigned to them stay at home, then there is a set in every classroom. We don't have lockers so that was pretty handy. It is similar at my son's high school in that there are no lockers. However, I don't think there's a home set of books and a school set. I would have to ask him but his backpack is often very full and heavy. In addition to that, he often brings his trumpet back and forth now too. |
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luvnlifelady
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Post by luvnlifelady on Mar 20, 2016 1:17:39 GMT
Thanks again for the input. I may even advise them to go talk to someone that is neutral. DH seems pretty adamant but I think it's because he thinks she'll be missing out on the "college life." She does plan to transfer so as long as she stays on task and gets a job, etc. here, I see no problem with it. The JC here provides more social opportunities than up there so this could be a better fit. Only one way to find out. She doesn't party so at least so far, she hasn't found her crowd up at school and with so few kids, it's not likely she will this year at least if she hasn't already.
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Post by jbelle on Mar 20, 2016 1:42:34 GMT
It appears that your household is less stressful while dd is gone, this seems to be a big factor in not wanting her back home. I would get with my hubby and ask him to help me write up a plan of action concerning our expectations of our daughter being back at home while going to school. Put in the car arrangements, school & job expectations, house rules, responsibilities etc., what you will and will not pay for. I would also ask my daughter to write up her own plan and ask her to send a copy to me. When you get together go over the plans, come to an agreement and all sign. This helps everybody to focus on the objectives and is a great reminder to what we all agree upon when someone "forgets". I've done a version of this when one of my children appeared that they would never graduate from college and my dh had had it lol. It was a success. So let your daughter know that you are looking forward to her coming back home and talk about the bright future that she has to look forward to. I wish you all well.
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Post by mom on Mar 20, 2016 3:10:23 GMT
I would let my child come home. BUT: she would have to go by my rules. I would not make her pay to live at home, but she should be able to save up some money to get a beater car that would get her to work and school. That would be completely on her.
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I think kids should get to decide if they live on campus. If it isn't a good situation, they won't try very hard with school. I agree with you. It should be her choice. 
