Splitting Up Pity Party Update
Mar 26, 2016 11:25:36 GMT
freecharlie, KikiPea, and 17 more like this
Post by ddly on Mar 26, 2016 11:25:36 GMT
It's been nine days that we have been separated. Initially I wanted to curl up into a ball and die. I've moved past that. Last weekend we had a lot of friends and family visit to make sure we were okay. Through all of these conversations, I realized that this really was the best thing that STBXH could have done for me. I don't know if I ever would have made this choice, but I know it was the right one.
I have 2 kids. DD 19 lives away from home and DS 17 lives at home. There is a definite change to the atmosphere at home. I bought bright cheery curtains and have changed a few things. STBXH always had to have darkening curtains and they were so stiff you couldn't even keep them open. It's so nice to have a sunny home. We feel good here. The little black rain cloud of uncertainty and tension has left. DH had reached a point where we never knew when he was going to get upset and start screaming. We don't have to worry about that anymore. Just seeing the positive effect it has DS is affirming. He will continue his relationship with his dad but it will be on his terms and that is what he wants.
We are talking and being cordial. We say we will remain friends, but we run in different circles and I don't approve of his pot smoking hippie loving life style, so I think what we will remain is friendly. The bills have been split. We have 9 years left on the mortgage. He wants to keep his equity in the house so he will remain paying his share. He is also helping with some other things since DS is still living in the house. I do believe he will stick to this. Hopefully before the 9 years rolls around I will have been able to buy out his equity and refinance. Our credit hasn't been great, but I'm in a position now to change mine.
We will file for divorce as soon as DS turns 18 in May. We have to be separated in our state for 6 months but we'll still file the paperwork. He wanted to do it without a lawyer and I said no. Direct deposits have been moved to our new accounts and all auto bills are changed. That was what I was most concerned about and it seemed to go smoother.
He never bothered to say anything to DD until he knew she knew and he invited her to go to coffee with he and DS. She was pissed and wouldn't go. When we spoke this week, I told him that he needed to mend that fence. I told her the same but also that she now had to be the adult in the relationship. As she knows, her dad is losing the capacity to be that. They have since met and worked this out.
While things are going smoothly, I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what that will be or if it will even happen. He is fairly lazy and focused on himself and his friends. I think that knowing that he has the equity and it will come when he is ready to take his early retirement (stupid move, I will add) is enough for now, but who knows. I have enough support that I'll be ready if it happens. My best friend keeps telling me I'm going to get angry. I don't feel it. I don't feel angry. I feel sad that this relationship is done. I feel sad that he is a good man and his life choices are limiting his experiences. But, I feel no anger. Maybe it will come, but at this point, I don't have the time or energy for it.
I have been taking sleeping pills. I didn't last night and I slept well, so I think I'm set without them. I was worried I wouldn't sleep when I had to work the next day. I'm looking for a counselor outside of our town. We are well known, esp STBXH, so I'm not comfortable staying local. I have an appointment with a new Dr. on Thursday so if I don't have one been then, I'll get a referral from her. Eating has been tough. I have been forcing greek yogurt for lunch so I have some protein. It will come.
I feel weird because I feel like I should feel worse. I haven't cried in days; I almost did when I closed out our checking account of 25 years. Every time I think about the situation, I see that it is for the best. I'm coming out of my shell. When we met and the first few years of our marriage, I was very social. Over the last ten years I've pretty much socially isolated myself. I'm glad I've recognized this and I'm changing it. I am starting an exercise class with my friend Monday. It's called Nia. It's new to me but looks really cool. I'm going to do either a jewelry making or water color class starting in May. I agreed to teach summer school. Only about 15 hrs/week for 5 weeks but the extra income will fill the oil tank for winter and hopefully I'll be able to save the rest for XMas.
So, in a nut shell, I'm good. Kids are good. We are all moving forward with the firm belief that this needed to happen. Better now then when things went bad.
Thank you all for your support, kind words and advice. I read them all and feel very blessed to have this group. I've been around this place since the Nurse Kitty days and I know that things can get really ugly, but you were all very supportive and I really appreciate it!
Lisa D.
I have 2 kids. DD 19 lives away from home and DS 17 lives at home. There is a definite change to the atmosphere at home. I bought bright cheery curtains and have changed a few things. STBXH always had to have darkening curtains and they were so stiff you couldn't even keep them open. It's so nice to have a sunny home. We feel good here. The little black rain cloud of uncertainty and tension has left. DH had reached a point where we never knew when he was going to get upset and start screaming. We don't have to worry about that anymore. Just seeing the positive effect it has DS is affirming. He will continue his relationship with his dad but it will be on his terms and that is what he wants.
We are talking and being cordial. We say we will remain friends, but we run in different circles and I don't approve of his pot smoking hippie loving life style, so I think what we will remain is friendly. The bills have been split. We have 9 years left on the mortgage. He wants to keep his equity in the house so he will remain paying his share. He is also helping with some other things since DS is still living in the house. I do believe he will stick to this. Hopefully before the 9 years rolls around I will have been able to buy out his equity and refinance. Our credit hasn't been great, but I'm in a position now to change mine.
We will file for divorce as soon as DS turns 18 in May. We have to be separated in our state for 6 months but we'll still file the paperwork. He wanted to do it without a lawyer and I said no. Direct deposits have been moved to our new accounts and all auto bills are changed. That was what I was most concerned about and it seemed to go smoother.
He never bothered to say anything to DD until he knew she knew and he invited her to go to coffee with he and DS. She was pissed and wouldn't go. When we spoke this week, I told him that he needed to mend that fence. I told her the same but also that she now had to be the adult in the relationship. As she knows, her dad is losing the capacity to be that. They have since met and worked this out.
While things are going smoothly, I still feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I don't know what that will be or if it will even happen. He is fairly lazy and focused on himself and his friends. I think that knowing that he has the equity and it will come when he is ready to take his early retirement (stupid move, I will add) is enough for now, but who knows. I have enough support that I'll be ready if it happens. My best friend keeps telling me I'm going to get angry. I don't feel it. I don't feel angry. I feel sad that this relationship is done. I feel sad that he is a good man and his life choices are limiting his experiences. But, I feel no anger. Maybe it will come, but at this point, I don't have the time or energy for it.
I have been taking sleeping pills. I didn't last night and I slept well, so I think I'm set without them. I was worried I wouldn't sleep when I had to work the next day. I'm looking for a counselor outside of our town. We are well known, esp STBXH, so I'm not comfortable staying local. I have an appointment with a new Dr. on Thursday so if I don't have one been then, I'll get a referral from her. Eating has been tough. I have been forcing greek yogurt for lunch so I have some protein. It will come.
I feel weird because I feel like I should feel worse. I haven't cried in days; I almost did when I closed out our checking account of 25 years. Every time I think about the situation, I see that it is for the best. I'm coming out of my shell. When we met and the first few years of our marriage, I was very social. Over the last ten years I've pretty much socially isolated myself. I'm glad I've recognized this and I'm changing it. I am starting an exercise class with my friend Monday. It's called Nia. It's new to me but looks really cool. I'm going to do either a jewelry making or water color class starting in May. I agreed to teach summer school. Only about 15 hrs/week for 5 weeks but the extra income will fill the oil tank for winter and hopefully I'll be able to save the rest for XMas.
So, in a nut shell, I'm good. Kids are good. We are all moving forward with the firm belief that this needed to happen. Better now then when things went bad.
Thank you all for your support, kind words and advice. I read them all and feel very blessed to have this group. I've been around this place since the Nurse Kitty days and I know that things can get really ugly, but you were all very supportive and I really appreciate it!
Lisa D.
