|
|
Post by Drew on Apr 16, 2016 0:58:57 GMT
|
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Apr 16, 2016 1:03:44 GMT
If it is just you and DH and you want to do this, it is up to you. If you have kids, I would never sign an agreement to not my lawyer represent me in future litigation.
|
|
|
|
Post by cindyupnorth on Apr 16, 2016 2:05:18 GMT
Didn't he just cheat on you? Hell no. The one friend I had, that tried to do this, it did NOT work out well. They had kids though,and it was a constant struggle with him and her over them, and following the rules set up. If you have no kids, then it should be fine.
|
|
scrapaddie
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,090 
|
Post by scrapaddie on Apr 16, 2016 2:09:39 GMT
Having been through the process, you need a lawyer to represent you. My ex did not have a lawyers my lawyer was only one in the court room. Other than the judge disparaging him for not having an attorney, the whole process was very smoothly
|
|
J u l e e
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,531
Location: Cincinnati
Jun 28, 2014 2:50:47 GMT
|
Post by J u l e e on Apr 16, 2016 2:11:56 GMT
My friends are doing this right now and it sounds like a nightmare to me. It is not going well. They have two daughters. It is d r a g g i n g out.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 14:34:34 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2016 3:14:36 GMT
I don't recall if you have children or not, but there's no way in hell I'd agree to that...even if it meant saving money now.
And seriously...he cheated on you. You do not need to consent to this kind of nonsense. Get a good attorney for yourself. NOW.
|
|
|
|
Post by chirpingcricket on Apr 16, 2016 3:34:42 GMT
My boss is a family law attorney. We have one collaborative divorce in process right now, and so far, it is going smoothly. The thing that surprises me about the process is that one of the collaborative enablers is not an attorney; she's a counselor. And she is very dismissive and weird about attorneys. The first collaboration meeting they had was at our office. I did the same thing I always do: I escorted the opposing party and her collaborative enabler to the conference room, asked them if they needed any beverages, and told them I would be closing the door and turning on the white noise machine. The counselor immediately scoffed, "There is no need for a white noise machine! We have no secrets here!"
I said, "I'm sorry, this is because the walls here are so thin. I don't want to be eavesdropping on your meeting."
She turned to her "client" and said, "That's a device that lawyers use to keep people separated!"
I didn't say anything else to her, but I felt very, very insulted. In my experience, my boss does everything he can to keep divorcing parties in contact and cooperating with each other. Things go better when people cooperate. It's in everyone's best interest that they all cooperate. I am not happy with collaborative divorce enablers/counselors who seem to think that lawyers are there to turn everything into a fight. Nothing could be further from the truth -- in my experience. I've only seen *one* divorce actually go to trial in five years of working with my guy. *One*. I can't say the same thing for post-divorce child custody disputes. Those go to trial all the time. And none of those people were our clients when they got divorced.
And frankly, I need that white noise machine because there are going to be four hours of talking going on inside that room while I'm out front trying to get stuff *done*. I seriously do *not* need to hear everything being said in there. Sheesh.
I think the collaborative divorce route is fine. As long as everyone involved is fine.
|
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 14:34:34 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2016 3:35:58 GMT
If you had no children, or grown children who are already self supporting, and no assets of any kind to divide, yeah it can be easier.
But you have children still at home that need child support, and if I recall correctly you have one special needs child that will likely need life long support. It will be well worth your time, effort and initial cash outlay to go through the courts.
Trying to do it on the quick and cheap only screws the woman in the long run. Caveat might be if you have been the major breadwinner for the length of your marriage and can get him to walk away with nothing but his pride.
|
|
|
|
Post by freecharlie on Apr 16, 2016 3:41:40 GMT
You need a lawyer. There are so many nuances to a divorce that you can't even imagine thinking about, a lawyer knows the ins and outs and can protect you from the scenerio when a tree falls in a forest and a bear shits in woods.
|
|
|
|
Post by mom on Apr 16, 2016 3:44:47 GMT
Please do not do this. You need someone who will have your back and keep your best interest at heart.
|
|
|
|
Post by elaine on Apr 16, 2016 3:53:42 GMT
If you had no children, or grown children who are already self supporting, and no assets of any kind to divide, yeah it can be easier. But you have children still at home that need child support, and if I recall correctly you have one special needs child that will likely need life long support. It will be well worth your time, effort and initial cash outlay to go through the courts. Trying to do it on the quick and cheap only screws the woman in the long run. Caveat might be if you have been the major breadwinner for the length of your marriage and can get him to walk away with nothing but his pride. That's right, I forgot about the special needs son. No. Way. In. Hell. Seriously. Don't even consider it. Do you have all the trusts all ready set up that you need for your son? It took us several meetings with a lawyer to set that up for ours. Why would you want to exclude yourself and your son from using an attorney in the future to ensure he gets the support he is entitled to from your DH? No way in hell. Your son and you yourself deserve better than that. |
|
|
|
Post by MichyM on Apr 16, 2016 4:45:20 GMT
My ex and I did this 3 years ago. It worked (and continues to work) for both of us. Our son was grown and out of college, so we didn't have the addition concerns that some couples might. If you have specific questions let me know.
|
|
|
|
Post by pelirroja on Apr 16, 2016 11:25:39 GMT
Lawyer up. This is a not a good idea for your situation: a child with special needs means you've got a lifetime of expenses and issues, not just until your child turns 18. And if he cheated on you, why oh why would you even consider letting him get out of this easy? I'm not saying you have to be a b*tch but you've got to be smart and stop trusting your stbxh to do the "right" thing if he's never done right by you before. Trust me, a good lawyer is well worth the cost because you only get one shot at this: if you get screwed over, there are no do-overs and no appeals. Look out for your own best interests because I'm almost certain your husband is looking out for his own best interest, not yours and not your child's.
|
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on Apr 16, 2016 12:09:55 GMT
I considered this initially but would have given up certain things that I later received when I had my own attorney advocating for me and my kids.
|
|
|
|
Post by peasapie on Apr 16, 2016 12:11:20 GMT
Lawyer up. This is a not a good idea for your situation: a child with special needs means you've got a lifetime of expenses and issues, not just until your child turns 18. And if he cheated on you, why oh why would you even consider letting him get out of this easy? I'm not saying you have to be a b*tch but you've got to be smart and stop trusting your stbxh to do the "right" thing if he's never done right by you before. Trust me, a good lawyer is well worth the cost because you only get one shot at this: if you get screwed over, there are no do-overs and no appeals. Look out for your own best interests because I'm almost certain your husband is looking out for his own best interest, not yours and not your child's. I agree. It's worth spending your own money NOW to save a lot of heartache later. Beg or borrow from someone to pay, but get the best legal advocate possible in your corner. |
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Apr 16, 2016 12:25:47 GMT
Something to consider-just because you don't do a Collaborative Divorce doesn't mean you can't have a collaborative divorce. Your divorce can be what you want it to be. If you want to go with a non-standard visitation schedule, you can still do that within a 'normal' divorce. If you want to not argue about money, you can do that with you within a 'normal' divorce. You can pretty much do what you want.
What you DO want is the attorney to advocate for you. There are going to be pieces and parts that they are WAY more familiar with that you are, and they can guide you and advise you as to what the consequences of each decision could be. If you feel strongly about something, you can deviate from the 'norm' if you want and the other person agrees. No two divorces are the same, there are some things that it is easier to revert to the standard but there is no rule that says you have to follow a template and do what every one else does.
We did a plain old vanilla divorce-but deviated quite a bit from the standard visitation schedule. In spirit, it was a 'collaborative' divorce, but in practice, it was pretty standard stuff with attorneys and court and all that.
|
|
justkaren
Junior Member
Posts: 57
|
Post by justkaren on Apr 16, 2016 12:39:00 GMT
Something to consider-just because you don't do a Collaborative Divorce doesn't mean you can't have a collaborative divorce. Your divorce can be what you want it to be. If you want to go with a non-standard visitation schedule, you can still do that within a 'normal' divorce. If you want to not argue about money, you can do that with you within a 'normal' divorce. You can pretty much do what you want. What you DO want is the attorney to advocate for you. There are going to be pieces and parts that they are WAY more familiar with that you are, and they can guide you and advise you as to what the consequences of each decision could be. If you feel strongly about something, you can deviate from the 'norm' if you want and the other person agrees. No two divorces are the same, there are some things that it is easier to revert to the standard but there is no rule that says you have to follow a template and do what every one else does. We did a plain old vanilla divorce-but deviated quite a bit from the standard visitation schedule. In spirit, it was a 'collaborative' divorce, but in practice, it was pretty standard stuff with attorneys and court and all that. Yes to all of the above! My ex and I pretty much figured out everything (finances, children, support, property, etc) on our own and brought it to our attorneys for their review and advice. Many of our decisions went against the norm and my lawyer even requested that I sign a letter saying that I was going against some of her advice. She was a bulldog and I didn't care or want that type of fight. (Nor did I want the lawyer fees for that fight). |
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Apr 16, 2016 12:49:33 GMT
I did this extremely successfully.
My ex cheated on me. We had three youngish kids (pre-teens)
Zero problems. Even though I forgot to put healthcare in the agreement, he pays for it. (this was not my lawyer's fault - at the time, my ex was paying for all of us, then I just took over all of us because I wanted the kids on the same plan)
We just were not bitter. I wanted him gone, but we are both fair people. And for me, nothing is more important than my kids. Also, my mom left me some money and I put that in the mix, but my lawyer (he was both our lawyers), took it out. I gave him more cash and my lawyer advised against it, but I did it anyway because - again - we weren't trying to bleed each other dry. We had to figure out what was best for each of us. You can't do this with a meanie.
My lawyer said that 85% of his money comes from litigation. It's very expensive to fight.
|
|
suzastampin
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,587
|
Post by suzastampin on Apr 16, 2016 12:59:47 GMT
Lawyer up. This is a not a good idea for your situation: a child with special needs means you've got a lifetime of expenses and issues, not just until your child turns 18. And if he cheated on you, why oh why would you even consider letting him get out of this easy? I'm not saying you have to be a b*tch but you've got to be smart and stop trusting your stbxh to do the "right" thing if he's never done right by you before. Trust me, a good lawyer is well worth the cost because you only get one shot at this: if you get screwed over, there are no do-overs and no appeals. Look out for your own best interests because I'm almost certain your husband is looking out for his own best interest, not yours and not your child's.  As the mom of a special needs son, you need to get a special needs trust set up for your son. Be sure you do the right one, the one that is not self funded as your child will not be eligible for anything if you do the wrong one. Well worth the price of the lawyer. You may need to hire an estate lawyer for this as not all lawyers know about these trusts. Plus, since your husband is the one stepping out, I'd try to have him have to pay for your lawyer. This is not the time to cheap out. |
|
|
|
Post by threecs on Apr 16, 2016 13:01:38 GMT
The best thing I did when getting divorced was getting a kick-a$$ attorney. It wasn't cheap but I have no regrets.
|
|
