|
|
Post by Hayjaker on Apr 17, 2016 16:33:53 GMT
Yes, I am very impressed by her paper!
I think I will allow the boyfriend, provided he first come to meet me. I do "know" him, it's a very small community, but not in this way.
I am very lucky that she is not "dating" behind my back. Mostly I am lucky that we have a line of communication established that I hope will hold up to all of the drama and angst of teenage life!
|
|
|
|
Post by Really Red on Apr 17, 2016 17:19:39 GMT
I have been torn. Her definition of a boyfriend is acceptable for her age. "Dating" is just a term. It doesn't mean they go anywhere alone together. Kissing. Ugh! I think I will allow her to have a boyfriend, she really did set the standards in her essay! By changing your mind and allowing her to have a boyfriend, you are showing her that compromise can happen. You are showing her that circumstances change and that means long-thought-out dictums can, you are showing her so MANY good things I could cry. If you didn't change your mind, I'd write an essay why you were wrong!  What a great kid you've got and good job on making her that way! |
|
|
|
Post by Amelia Bedelia on Apr 17, 2016 17:45:50 GMT
I have been torn. Her definition of a boyfriend is acceptable for her age. "Dating" is just a term. It doesn't mean they go anywhere alone together. Kissing. Ugh! I think I will allow her to have a boyfriend, she really did set the standards in her essay! By changing your mind and allowing her to have a boyfriend, you are showing her that compromise can happen. You are showing her that circumstances change and that means long-thought-out dictums can, you are showing her so MANY good things I could cry. If you didn't change your mind, I'd write an essay why you were wrong! What a great kid you've got and good job on making her that way! I agree. Also, there's nothing she's asking for that she couldn't simply do behind your back. Allowing it and showing you're able to compromise will keep her from feeling like she has to hide her choices from you when she disagrees with your rules. |
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Apr 17, 2016 18:06:02 GMT
It's funny, but more kids in our school district "date" in middle school than in high school! And by "dating" it just means saying they have a girlfriend/boyfriend. And it may last a week, then they are "dating" someone else.
In high school, the kids around here don't seem to date. They just hang out in groups or with friends. We never had any dating restrictions on our kids. My husband and I both had boyfriends/girlfriends in middle/high school and neither of us had issues. We both credit our boyfriends/girlfriends with having good influences on us and helping us to become better people. And we said from the beginning, we would have the same rules for sons and daughters, no double standards in our house.
Our oldest didn't have a boyfriend until 11th grade, and our 16 yr. old may or may not have a boyfriend now (all her best friends that she hangs out with are boys, but their is one special one that she has been seeing a lot). I think because we always allowed it, our kids didn't think they had to "rebel", and sneak and date someone (ok, I am not explaining myself well!). My 7th grader doesn't have a boyfriend, but some of her friends do.
We have had more "issues" with the girls my daughters hang out with then the boys (who are all sweethearts!). The girls worry us a lot more than the boys worry us.
|
|
scrapbug
Full Member
Posts: 343
Jun 26, 2014 0:11:46 GMT
|
Post by scrapbug on Apr 17, 2016 18:46:35 GMT
I would say NO.
|
|
raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095 
|
Post by raindancer on Apr 17, 2016 19:23:19 GMT
My dd did this to us in her attempt to get a cat for a pet. It worked. And the cat adores her. She knows who rescued her!  I think as long as the "dating" is confined to school and group things (Bowling, or a movie with a bunch of kids) it's fine. Even going to each others homes, I will be honest as the mom of a son too, the whole "She won't go there" comment bugged me. Why not? If you talk to the parents, why can't she go to his house if he can come to yours? Weird. I would monitor my son and his girlfriend the same way I would monitor my daughter and her boyfriend... |
|
|
|
Post by Hayjaker on Apr 17, 2016 19:37:05 GMT
I think as long as the "dating" is confined to school and group things (Bowling, or a movie with a bunch of kids) it's fine. Even going to each others homes, I will be honest as the mom of a son too, the whole "She won't go there" comment bugged me. Why not? If you talk to the parents, why can't she go to his house if he can come to yours? Weird. I would monitor my son and his girlfriend the same way I would monitor my daughter and her boyfriend... "She won't go there" is my way of maintaining some sort of control and perhaps it is unrealistic. Yes, if she would go to a boys home I would talk to his parents to assure that our expectations for supervision were aligned. However, i do not expect that I will allow this kind of on-on-one activity. Groups, yes... |
|
|
|
Post by refugeepea on Apr 17, 2016 19:45:42 GMT
Just tell her 13 year old boys are lying liars who lie.  |
|
Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 12:35:02 GMT
|
Post by Deleted on Apr 17, 2016 19:55:00 GMT
Dating would help discover my independant identity(2&5).
Um no. Exactly the opposite. Which tells me that no, dating and such as 13 is just not going to happen in this house.
I have a 13 year old son.
Y'all can be friends.
|
|
|
|
Post by shannoots on Apr 17, 2016 20:31:34 GMT
I have a 13 year old son in 8th grade. Many of his friends have girlfriends and some of them have been together for quite awhile (over 1 year!). My son isn't really into girls yet and I'm ok with that. I think I would be ok if he had a girlfriend too but I don't know. Probably would depend on the girl. It sounds like your daughter is pretty mature and I'm impressed that she wrote the essay.
|
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Apr 17, 2016 23:29:39 GMT
My dd did this to us in her attempt to get a cat for a pet. It worked. And the cat adores her. She knows who rescued her! I think as long as the "dating" is confined to school and group things (Bowling, or a movie with a bunch of kids) it's fine. Even going to each others homes, I will be honest as the mom of a son too, the whole "She won't go there" comment bugged me. Why not? If you talk to the parents, why can't she go to his house if he can come to yours? Weird. I would monitor my son and his girlfriend the same way I would monitor my daughter and her boyfriend... I would be upset if a boy friend/boyfriend of my daughters was not allowed to come to our house, and they could only hang out at his house. My 16 yr. old usually goes to her current "boyfriend's" house because his mom doesn't drive, and his dad is out of town a lot. (Of course if there is a reason not to trust a certain set of parents, that's one thing.) And if my house is a mess, I prefer they go to his house!  And to be fair, when my daughters have their (girl) friends over, we monitor them too. So we pretty much monitor the same way regardless of whether it's opposite or same gender friends here. |
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Apr 17, 2016 23:33:09 GMT
Just tell her 13 year old boys are lying liars who lie. 13 yr. old girls can lie too! |
|
|
|
Post by anxiousmom on Apr 17, 2016 23:41:04 GMT
I will be honest as the mom of a son too, the whole "She won't go there" comment bugged me. Why not? If you talk to the parents, why can't she go to his house if he can come to yours? Weird. I would monitor my son and his girlfriend the same way I would monitor my daughter and her boyfriend... I admit, this always bugs me a little too. I have worked pretty hard at raising boys that are respectful and kind and all those other things. I can promise that if there is a girl here, I am WAY more conservative about rules and expectations. Implying that the girl can't go to a boy's house kind of sends a message about how they may not be able to control themselves outside of your (general) presence. |
|
|
|
Post by SallyPA on Apr 18, 2016 0:09:14 GMT
I think that's a pretty well laid out argument by her! However, my rule is no dating until 16. I just don't think boys or girls are really ready emotionally until then, and that it creates a lot of unnecessary drama. My 13 yo DD isn't interested anyways.
|
|
|
|
Post by refugeepea on Apr 18, 2016 0:26:17 GMT
Just tell her 13 year old boys are lying liars who lie. 13 yr. old girls can lie too! I know. That was said in reference to a pea (gyro?) who read some texts between her tween or teen daughter and her "boyfriend" she dumped. Her daughter called him a lying liar who lies. |
|
FurryP
Drama Llama
To pea or not to pea...
Posts: 7,214
Site Supporter
Jun 26, 2014 19:58:26 GMT
|
Post by FurryP on Apr 18, 2016 0:39:39 GMT
Well, her essay is great, but I wouldn't let a 13 year old 'date.' However, I don't have kids, so what do I know   |
|
Mary Kay Lady
Pearl Clutcher
PeaNut 367,913 Refupea number 1,638
Posts: 3,082
|
Post by Mary Kay Lady on Apr 18, 2016 0:51:32 GMT
From reading her essay it sounds as though she's put a lot of thought into having a boyfriend. If I were you, I think I would let her have a boyfriend. She sounds mature and responsible.
When my youngest son was in middle school (just last year) he wanted to date a girl. I defined what dating at that age would look like. The could go to school related functions, talk/text on the phone, eat together at lunch-time during school, etc.
I wasn't am still am not comfortable with him dating in the traditional sense of where he'd go get her (he doesn't drive yet).
|
|
cycworker
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 4,387
|
Post by cycworker on Apr 18, 2016 1:01:40 GMT
I think you definitely need to let her. She showed a lot of faith in you by doing the exercise. She took it seriously, and I think as a result she's earned a chance.
|
|
|
|
Post by maryland on Apr 18, 2016 1:11:07 GMT
I will be honest as the mom of a son too, the whole "She won't go there" comment bugged me. Why not? If you talk to the parents, why can't she go to his house if he can come to yours? Weird. I would monitor my son and his girlfriend the same way I would monitor my daughter and her boyfriend... I admit, this always bugs me a little too. I have worked pretty hard at raising boys that are respectful and kind and all those other things. I can promise that if there is a girl here, I am WAY more conservative about rules and expectations. Implying that the girl can't go to a boy's house kind of sends a message about how they may not be able to control themselves outside of your (general) presence. I have girls, and we too work hard to make sure they know to respect boys (and girls). I think respect goes both ways, and both genders deserve respect. We have also taught our girls to never pressure a boy or do anything to make them uncomfortable. I think we have done a good job, as my 16 yr. old tells me that the moms of a couple of her boy friends say that she is the only girl they want their sons to date. |
|
|
|
Post by Hayjaker on Apr 18, 2016 5:20:12 GMT
I think that's a pretty well laid out argument by her! However, my rule is no dating until 16. I just don't think boys or girls are really ready emotionally until then, and that it creates a lot of unnecessary drama. My 13 yo DD isn't interested anyways. This was my policy with my older children. They are now 19 and 21. |
|
|
|
Post by monklady123 on Apr 18, 2016 10:30:06 GMT
I love the essay and your daughter. When my kids were in middle school "dating" meant something very different than I would have traditionally defined it. For the girls "dating" was having the boy join the girls' group/table at lunch. (funny, it never seemed to mean that the girl joined the boys.) Or they might walk to class together. Or a whole group would go to the mall. Maybe they would study at one or the other's house. It was never one-on-one going out to a movie or dinner or anything that I'd call "dating". It seemed harmless to me. No one could drive so they were limited by having a parent drive or taking public transportation. I'd say yes to your daughter. |
|
|
|
Post by Merge on Apr 18, 2016 10:58:36 GMT
What a bright and thoughtful young lady you are raising! Love her essay.
Middle school "dating" is common where I teach and, for most, follows the guidelines your daughter laid out. Occasional hand holding, a hug, maybe a peck on the cheek. Mostly the kids just like to feel more grownup by saying they are dating someone. I consider it harmless. Like many parents, we won't allow real dating (going somewhere alone together) until our kids are 16. But this kind of dating, eh, why disallow something that isn't hurting anyone?
|
|
