Deleted
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Sept 30, 2024 6:23:38 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 0:53:37 GMT
This is how I have always understood conversation should go: I ask a question, you talk; then you ask a question, I talk. Hopefully, we hit on a topic that we both find interesting and then the conversation just flows naturally. I am not saying that every word out of my mouth is fascinating. But if I have a story to tell, I try to make it relevant to what we were just talking about; funny, if possible; and most of all, brief. So even if you don't find it fascinating, you won't have to listen to me for more than maybe 30 seconds. I also keep an eye out, so if you seem to have NO interest in what I'm telling you, I'll shut it down even faster. And then it's your turn to talk again.
But more and more I seem to be the only one who believes this. People just want to talk about what they want to talk about, and you could just as well be a stuffed animal for all the participation they need from you. Case in point, over the weekend I went to a play with my sister and a few other women, her friends, that I had never met before. I was seated next to this one woman, and she seemed normal enough. During the intermission I turned to chat with her. I asked her ONE question, and I swear after 15 minutes she had never even inhaled. Just talked nonstop. Did I mention I had never met her before? After a while I was so annoyed I wasn't even pretending to be interested, which is unlike me. Mercifully, the play started again and she shut up.
This seems to happen to me all the time. I try not to talk more than my fair share, and that leaves other people with the impression that I am willing to listen to a 45 minute monologue about how their mother-in-law (who I have never met) found the dress for her friend's (who I've also never met) graduation party. I guess part of the problem is, what is the saying, people can't take advantage of you without your permission. I'm going to stop being so polite and if someone is abusing my attention - like Chatty Cathy at the play- I can take evasive action. I don't have to sit there like an idiot.
I'm really just venting, but I wonder do other people feel this way, or am I being too harsh...
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Post by lancermom on Apr 19, 2016 1:03:51 GMT
Yes!! I was at a retreat, one lady wanted to run an errand. I had to go too, so I went with her. Never met the woman before. She told me everything. EVERYTHING! I was exhausted by the time we got back. She talked non stop. Ok, talk, but don't tell me about personal stuff. I seem to have people do this to me in stores too. I have learned not to make eye contact.
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Post by cmhs on Apr 19, 2016 1:20:48 GMT
I have a coworker who is only interested in what she has to say. It's exhausting to be in the same room as her! She's loud and narcissistic and really doesn't pick up on cues that she's gone too far and is getting obnoxious.
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Post by anniefb on Apr 19, 2016 1:27:58 GMT
Yep, happens to me a lot too, especially more recently. Not sure why that is.
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AnotherPea
Pearl Clutcher
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Jan 4, 2015 1:47:52 GMT
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Post by AnotherPea on Apr 19, 2016 1:31:45 GMT
I think part of the reason is because people get really uncomfortable with any silence. So if you're not talking, they have to fill the silence.
I also suspect it has something to do with electronic communications taking over so much of our lives.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 1:34:06 GMT
My professional analysis (eye roll) is that we're all so caught up in communicating on social media and texting just basic replies most of the time that when we get to talk to an actual human, we lose our minds And because everyone just lays it out there on SM these days, we've lost touch with what is actually appropriate to share with people. I'm a pretty private person and I'm constantly amazed at what I see people revealing, online and in person. I'm sorry this keeps happening to you. It sounds really annoying. ETA: Ha! Posting at the same time as AnotherPea above me - great minds ...
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Post by Merge on Apr 19, 2016 1:37:19 GMT
I think conversation is an art - one that is not really studied any more. As an introvert with mild social anxiety, I've had to learn how to converse with people. And I agree, there should be give and take.
I think a lot of people who don't find talking to others difficult have never bothered to learn to be a good conversationalist.
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Post by peasapie on Apr 19, 2016 1:39:09 GMT
I agree. But I don't think it's anything new. Self-centered bores have been around since time began.
I interrupt them after a while and change the subject. Since they aren't being polite, I don't feel the need to listen.
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Post by ohiodianna on Apr 19, 2016 1:42:12 GMT
I once thought I was having a conversation with a man who did not agree with my side. However, we were discussing. He went on for a while about his side. I spoke when he was done. He yelled at me that I had no right to speak that he was telling me his side. I was taken aback honestly became misty eyed and told him I thought we were having a conversation but I guess I was really getting a lecture. He came and found me hours later and apologized and told me how stressed he was. I accepted his apology but have chosen to never have a "conversation" with him again. This has been several years and it still just shocks me that he clearly had no idea what a discussion/conversation was.
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Post by monklady123 on Apr 19, 2016 1:57:07 GMT
Yes, quite common. The flip side though is that if you are an introvert (Myers-Briggs introvert type) who dislikes small talk with strangers you can easily just sit and listen. Ask a few questions and most people are off and talking. There's a woman at my church who Never. Stops. Talking. If you ever want to inject a word or two into the "conversation" you have to be ready and LEAP in when she briefly pauses to take a breath. I'm not kidding. And I'm sure you all know someone just like that. I go to a lot of social events with my dh for his work (I'm "the boss's wife" so I have to appear. sigh....) Over the years I've noticed how little people ever ask me about myself. On the other hand I ask them plenty, and they take it and run. I attended a party one year and I decided to keep track of who actually was interested in me. Two were, the same two who always are. Everyone else -- all nice people -- only wanted to talk about themselves and the posts they've been in (State Department). It doesn't bother me since I have no stake with these people, except to be polite since my dh is their boss, so I don't really care. It's just fascinating and I think it would make a good topic for some sort of sociology paper. lolol
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marimoose
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Jul 22, 2014 2:10:14 GMT
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Post by marimoose on Apr 19, 2016 1:57:55 GMT
I once thought I was having a conversation with a man who did not agree with my side. However, we were discussing. He went on for a while about his side. I spoke when he was done. He yelled at me that I had no right to speak that he was telling me his side. I was taken aback honestly became misty eyed and told him I thought we were having a conversation but I guess I was really getting a lecture. He came and found me hours later and apologized and told me how stressed he was. I accepted his apology but have chosen to never have a "conversation" with him again. This has been several years and it still just shocks me that he clearly had no idea what a discussion/conversation was. Gosh, that stinks. At least he had the sense to realize, albeit a tad late, to find you and apologize. Sometimes we don't know what is going on behind their eyes. Hopefully this may have served a s a wakeup call for him in the future. I can't sya I blame you for not wanting to try a convo with him again.
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Post by chaosisapony on Apr 19, 2016 2:02:12 GMT
I haven't run into that much. Recently what I have been noticing more and more of is someone starting a conversation with you and when you are responding they just look down at their phone and tune you out. So I stop talking and there's a giant awkward lull in the conversation. I will then ask the person a question to start it back up and they will get halfway through their response and then their words will trail off while they look at their phone again.
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Post by vi on Apr 19, 2016 2:18:28 GMT
I was reading a fiction book recently where the main adult in the book had the Asperger syndrome. She had trouble with communicating and often went into monologues. This made me think about some of the people I know. I realize that this is not the answer for everyone who monopolizes conversation but it might be the case with some people. I know people with this syndrome have a hard time reading social cues. And then some people that spend too much time on the phone are just plain rude.
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Post by annabella on Apr 19, 2016 2:26:51 GMT
I agree with you! I went to dinner and there were 4 of us, ladies. One girl ran her mouth the whole time telling us story after story. While I do like this girl and had nothing of my own to share I found it annoying for her to hold us hostage listening to her. I find it very self absorbed, do you not care if anyone else speaks? Are you only interesting in yourself? I tried to interrupt her a few times to ask the other ladies questions to give them a turn to speak, but then it would go right back to the main girl. When she left I mentioned to the other girls how incredibly bored I was with her monopolizing the conversation. chaosisapony I do the same thing, if you look at your phone while I'm talking to you I abruptly stop talking hoping you get the point that you're being rude.
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 19, 2016 2:30:00 GMT
Ugh... I think sometimes I am a bit like that... though I usually try and ask a lot of questions about the other person.
But I work from home, and I am a single Mom.. so sometimes when I get a chance to talk /hang out with another adult I think like I talk A LOT
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Post by fredfreddy on Apr 19, 2016 5:21:23 GMT
I like to think I am pretty good at having a two conversation. I like to ask lots of questions to those talking because I like clarification. I also notice when in a larger group who hasn't spoken and ask them questions, etc. But lots of times I look back on a conversation and realize I talked 2/3rds of the time, so I am aware and working on it.
But yes I get stuck listening to those who talk 90% of the time and then avoid them forever afterwards.
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anniebygaslight
Drama Llama
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Post by anniebygaslight on Apr 19, 2016 5:40:34 GMT
I have a coworker who is only interested in what she has to say. It's exhausting to be in the same room as her! She's loud and narcissistic and really doesn't pick up on cues that she's gone too far and is getting obnoxious. I work with her too. What I don't know about her sex life, her intimate piercings, her husband's intimate piercings, her affair with her husband's brother isn't worth knowing. I don't want to hear it, I am her boss, and have had to 'offer some guidance' re work issues on more than one occasion, which is pretty difficult to do when you have images of her in a threesome rattling around your head. Does she ever enquire about anyone else? No. Because it is not about her.
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 19, 2016 10:44:03 GMT
Corollary: People have forgotten how to have polite debate about pretty much anything. It feels like everyone has to have the last word, the loudest view and by golly agree with me or I will badger you to death telling you how wrong you are, how right I am and I will just keep telling you until you shut up and agree.
I think I have some pretty strong opinions, and I may tell you why I disagree with yours-but only as part of what used to be normal discussion-the one where we learn from each other's differences. It is a-okay to disagree with me, I won't take it personally and feel like if you don't agree that I have to convert you to my 'side' (what ever that may be.)
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Post by papercrafteradvocate on Apr 19, 2016 11:59:31 GMT
Social Media is ruining so much!!!
I say though, in your instance, that if you engage in any conversation with the setting you described, is to always best to show grace and have manners, listen and hope for the best! The unknown acquaintance might finally feel that she is being listened to for once in her life, that maybe someone found her interesting where she never felt like that before! (So extend grace, as a "captive audience "). In the case of a public setting where conversation is a mingle free for all, politely excuse yourself if the conversation turns awful!
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Post by threegirls on Apr 19, 2016 12:38:06 GMT
I haven't run into that much. Recently what I have been noticing more and more of is someone starting a conversation with you and when you are responding they just look down at their phone and tune you out. So I stop talking and there's a giant awkward lull in the conversation. I will then ask the person a question to start it back up and they will get halfway through their response and then their words will trail off while they look at their phone again. Ugh, I've had that happen too. I hate, hate, hate when someone looks down at their phone and stops the conversation. I have a friend that does that all the time and not just to me. She does it to everyone. She gets an email, she looks down, she gets a text, she looks down. Oh, another email and another, looks down. Just go in a corner with your phone and converse with your emails and texts. I have to say, my 9 year old is a talker. She can take over a conversation like no one else. I understand that part of it is her immaturity but I'm trying to teach her how to have a back and forth conversation. Ask the other person questions, throw some pauses in and let the other person have a chance to talk.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 19, 2016 14:05:30 GMT
Totally agree with you, OP. This is a huge pet peeve of mine. Conversation is a two way street, people! If you dominate and don't ask the other person one thing, you have issues and are completely self-absorbed. I avoid people like that! Being able to actually listen is a sign of caring. (And if you wait for a gap the one time I actually get to say something and then turn everything back to you without even acknowledging I spoke? Gag. See ya.)
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Post by anonrefugee on Apr 19, 2016 14:21:37 GMT
Well, this thread prompted a reminder conversation with my husband about dinner time conversation practice. We are good about eating together as a family, but it's a trial sometimes with schedules. The last week, spoken words have been more like status updates by members instead of conversations. Maybe it's inevitable at this stage but I appreciate the prompt.
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Post by BeckyTech on Apr 19, 2016 14:36:33 GMT
I go to a lot of social events with my dh for his work (I'm "the boss's wife" so I have to appear. sigh....) Over the years I've noticed how little people ever ask me about myself. On the other hand I ask them plenty, and they take it and run. I attended a party one year and I decided to keep track of who actually was interested in me. Two were, the same two who always are. Everyone else -- all nice people -- only wanted to talk about themselves and the posts they've been in (State Department). It doesn't bother me since I have no stake with these people, except to be polite since my dh is their boss, so I don't really care. It's just fascinating and I think it would make a good topic for some sort of sociology paper. lolol I'm not a very socially adept person to start with, but there are times when I find myself in a situation like this where I am talking to a person and will be happy to answer their questions (where are you from, siblings, etc. - common in the type of situation you describe) but I am reluctant to ask the same questions to the person. I don't know why, but I feel like I might be prying. You being the boss's wife would make me very self-conscious about what I asked you. I will not bore you with long answers, but I would be much more comfortable with neutral, innocuous topics ... the road construction that may never end, the weather, just about anything other than personal topics. However, I guess by definition, the people you are referring to should be good at small talk with all sorts of people without boring them. Right?
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Post by Goldynn on Apr 19, 2016 14:39:51 GMT
I agree that the art of conversation is fading. I hate it when people talk AT me instead of WITH me. Yesterday I went shopping. When I went to check out, the checker yelled "Lisa! Hi Lisa!" and gave me a big hug. My name is not Lisa, nor even close to that name, but I did know her - she used to live in my neighborhood. I hadn't seen her in at least a decade. As she rang up my items, she very disjointedly told me so much personal stuff that I didn't even know how to react: she's getting divorced, was addicted to pain meds and just got out of treatment, lost her driver's license because some man reported her as drunk even though she wasn't, she's moving and looking for apartments...it was a lot of info. She ended by saying we should have lunch soon, which is interesting since she doesn't even know my name! I can imagine how that lunch would go.
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Post by bbkeef on Apr 19, 2016 15:35:21 GMT
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Post by rst on Apr 19, 2016 16:33:41 GMT
While I agree that many people simply don't understand the idea of social conversation (and polite debate), I don't think it's a new problem, nor do I think it's caused by technology and social media (though possibly it's made more-so). If you read any number of 18th or 19th century novels of the "drawing room" genres, you know that social bores and boors have been around forever. I do think that historically it was the "job" of a gentlewoman to know how to converse in an engaging but never even potentially offensive way with a huge spectrum of people, and while I'm very relieve that's no longer expected, it is a loss. In the last 10 years or so I've started actively noticing people who are good at conversations and drawing others out -- it's not one of my natural skills. I'm fine with silence or random observations, so I admire people who can put others at ease and keep the chit chat going in a positive way.
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Post by Scrappea on Apr 19, 2016 16:59:19 GMT
Yep, I had a friend like this. HAD.
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likescarrots
Pearl Clutcher
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Post by likescarrots on Apr 19, 2016 17:38:40 GMT
I hate talking so I'm usually pretty happy when someone else fills the time with their stories, whether they are in any way relevant to me or not.
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scrappert
Prolific Pea
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Jul 11, 2014 21:20:09 GMT
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Post by scrappert on Apr 19, 2016 17:55:33 GMT
I work with a women who does this. I have to walk away from her. And to throw in another vent, she is one that has had everything happen to her, knows someone who had and will go on and on and on.
No matter what you may say, like I have something in my eye, she will go on about how her mom had something in her eye once and couldn't get it out and had to go to the ER and they couldn't get it out and she had to have surgery and on and on and on.
I try really hard not to talk to her. And she is in my department!
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 19, 2016 19:05:57 GMT
Ugh... I think sometimes I am a bit like that... though I usually try and ask a lot of questions about the other person. But I work from home, and I am a single Mom.. so sometimes when I get a chance to talk /hang out with another adult I think like I talk A LOT I changed jobs from one where I talked all day to one where I sit at a computer. I have been known to go to Target to see real people. OP, perhaps your new friend doesn't have people to talk to. I find those kinds of situations comical though. Thankfully it was just for an intermission. What did your sister say about it?
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