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Post by worldwanderer75 on Apr 21, 2016 22:20:57 GMT
I am a longtime pea but pretty new to this board. I need an anonymous sounding board from people not close to my situation. My family moved overseas about 5 years ago. Prior to this move we had lived a bunch of different places for my husband's job. The longest we had lived anywhere in our marriage is 4 years. In so many ways I love living abroad - amazing schools for my kids, great work life balance for DH, great money, ability to travel with our family. What I Am really, really struggling with is how everyone in our large expat community is so interconnected. We go to school, church and do extracurricular activities (sports, music) together. Everyone is deeply intertwined in each other's lives. It is just too much. I am a social person but everyone around me, including myself, is hyper aware of everyone else and who they are and aren't socializing with. I have a lot of friendly acquaintances but no real close friends. I was burned by someone I thought I was close to a few months ago and am feeling very gun shy now.
So for those of you who live in or were raised in a small town, please tell me how to manage to have friends and not hurt feelings or have your own feelings hurt when being social. I am a grown woman and feel like I am navigating middle school all over again. I really need some advice.
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Post by smokeynspike on Apr 21, 2016 22:31:10 GMT
Sorry that I don't have advice, I chose to leave my small town and never look back at 18. I visit my parents but I have not kept in contact with a single person from high school. I was a popular athlete but I just couldn't stomach the "everybody knows everybody else's business" garbage, among other reasons. A few of them have friended me on Facebook but I don't accept their requests.
Melissa
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Post by freecharlie on Apr 21, 2016 22:34:48 GMT
I live in a small town. While we are pretty intertwined there are people I socialize with more. Some i only see at events, others i see often. I am also somewhat of a hermit, so I only go out if I want.
Most importantly, I am strong on my own and very independent, I don't care too much about what others say.
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,788 
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 21, 2016 22:43:00 GMT
So for those of you who live in or were raised in a small town, please tell me how to manage to have friends and not hurt feelings or have your own feelings hurt when being social. I am a grown woman and feel like I am navigating middle school all over again. I really need some advice. You don't have to navigate middle school if you don't show up for school everyday. By that I mean...I choose to live in a small town. I socialize with basically the same people I work with, go to church with, my kids have activities with, etc. Does drama happen? Sure. I just don't participate. I participate in what I want to participate in and mind my own business when I don't want to participate. The only person I am responsible for is me. I have lots of friends but it's not my nature to be all besty besty and know somebody's every move or thought. So I go socialize then I go home and leave it on the doorstep. I guess my advice would be to participate in what you are interested in and leave the rest. |
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freebird
Drama Llama
'cause I'm free as a bird now
Posts: 6,927
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Post by freebird on Apr 21, 2016 22:55:24 GMT
It's easier when you stop caring what everyone thinks of you. Do your thing, if someone's mad, well, sorry about that.
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Gravity
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,233
Jun 27, 2014 0:29:55 GMT
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Post by Gravity on Apr 21, 2016 23:09:44 GMT
Sorry that I don't have advice, I chose to leave my small town and never look back at 18. I visit my parents but I have not kept in contact with a single person from high school. I was a popular athlete but I just couldn't stomach the "everybody knows everybody else's business" garbage, among other reasons. A few of them have friended me on Facebook but I don't accept their requests. Melissa I could have written your post, except I was not an athlete. I was a band nerd and valedictorian. I'm not on Facebook because I have no desire for anyone to be in my business. OP, the situation would make me nuts. |
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Post by christine58 on Apr 21, 2016 23:09:48 GMT
Most importantly, I am strong on my own and very independent, I don't care too much about what others say. That's me. I live in the town I grew up in but teach elsewhere. I have good friends here but more that don't live here. |
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perumbula
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,439
Location: Idaho
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Post by perumbula on Apr 21, 2016 23:13:02 GMT
Lead a very boring life so people won't gossip about you? I don't know how I manage it, but it seems to be working for me. I live in a small town and I'm very rarely the victim of gossip and even more rarely have to deal with drama.
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Post by worldwanderer75 on Apr 21, 2016 23:24:51 GMT
Most importantly, I am strong on my own and very independent, I don't care too much about what others say. So I totally get this in theory. I am strong and independent and very much have my own "things" and love being by myself. But I hate the idea of others being excluded and being hurt by that. I care about what those people think and feel. I also feel like social media exacerbates the problem- life was so much easier before Facebook and Instagram (neither of which I will be quitting since it keeps me connected with family and friends in the US). |
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Peal
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,524
Jun 25, 2014 22:45:40 GMT
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Post by Peal on Apr 21, 2016 23:28:36 GMT
I'm about to move from a major us city to a small (<1,000 people) town. And I'm going to probably live there for the rest of my life. To say this move is leaving me anxious would be an understatement. I grew up in a small town, but not this small. I'm more concenrned about breaking into the social circle than I am about everyone being in my business. I'm a private enough person it will take a lot of effort for them to know much of my business.
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Post by refugeepea on Apr 21, 2016 23:29:42 GMT
Stop following the people who annoy you on Facebook and Instagram. They'll never know on Facebook and I'm not sure how instagram works.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 30, 2024 2:24:03 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 21, 2016 23:38:58 GMT
Most importantly, I am strong on my own and very independent, I don't care too much about what others say. So I totally get this in theory. I am strong and independent and very much have my own "things" and love being by myself. But I hate the idea of others being excluded and being hurt by that. I care about what those people think and feel. I also feel like social media exacerbates the problem- life was so much easier before Facebook and Instagram (neither of which I will be quitting since it keeps me connected with family and friends in the US). I grew up on a tiny town (pop about 1000) and lived in some small expat communities (military) You can't take on other people's hurt. Stop trying to be the "fixer" that makes it all better for another adult. You'll drive yourself insane. They have to learn, and accept, that even in a super small community not everyone will get an invitation to every event/party. There WILL be times Suz and Jane will lunch without you.. and times you will lunch with Jane and leave Suz out. Even in a small community there WILL be people who don't like you. You have to learn that it is impossible to be 100% liked; and 100% liked 100% of the time. Do your own thing, develop an independence, have interests outside of the expat circles if at all possible, don't get dragged into the middle school conflicts others are feeling. They aren't your feelings to fix even when you inadvertently were the source (like not inviting Jane to lunch when you did invite Suz and Emily and now Jane is all bent out of shape. Still not your problem) |
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Kerri W
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,788
Location: Kentucky
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Post by Kerri W on Apr 21, 2016 23:39:11 GMT
Most importantly, I am strong on my own and very independent, I don't care too much about what others say. So I totally get this in theory. I am strong and independent and very much have my own "things" and love being by myself. But I hate the idea of others being excluded and being hurt by that. I care about what those people think and feel. I also feel like social media exacerbates the problem- life was so much easier before Facebook and Instagram (neither of which I will be quitting since it keeps me connected with family and friends in the US). I think this must not be coming across very well. Why in the world would others feel excluded by you doing your own thing and being by yourself? That really sounds very narcissistic. |
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Post by worldwanderer75 on Apr 21, 2016 23:54:48 GMT
So I totally get this in theory. I am strong and independent and very much have my own "things" and love being by myself. But I hate the idea of others being excluded and being hurt by that. I care about what those people think and feel. I also feel like social media exacerbates the problem- life was so much easier before Facebook and Instagram (neither of which I will be quitting since it keeps me connected with family and friends in the US). I think this must not be coming across very well. Why in the world would others feel excluded by you doing your own thing and being by yourself? That really sounds very narcissistic. Gah! Yes not coming across well. I just threw that in there because I don't think I'm super socially needy. I like being social but I don't mind doing my own thing at all. Just hate hurting feelings which I have unintentionally done many times. And I miss being anonymous. I've been in the US this week and am just realizing how much I am dreading going back and getting in the middle of it all again. |
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milocat
Drama Llama
Posts: 5,569
Location: 55 degrees north in Alberta, Canada
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Post by milocat on Apr 22, 2016 1:36:48 GMT
Your friends are your best friends who your share everything with. For me this is 3 people. There are close friends you enjoy doing things with but you wouldn't tell your life's secrets to. Everyone else is an acquaintance, not you BFF. You don't get close enough with them to get burnt. You can enjoy their company and see them or interact with them weekly or monthly. You do things with other people and so do those people, who cares?! I have a couple friends I like to go for walks with in the summer. I have a scrapbooking group and a book club group. Close friends to go to the city for dinner and a movie. None of these people overlap. It's good to have a variety of people available to you. Maybe we actually wouldn't be compatible as best friends but at book club we have a great time together and that's enough.
I'm still in the same 2 small towns that I grew up in (1500 people total) and I've left high school a long time. So basically I don't give a shit anymore. Talk about me if you want, if it makes you feel better great because I don't have time for that. I've never paid attention to who's doing what with who. I'm also a big homebody and love being alone though.
I think if you could find one close friend it would help. Then maybe you wouldn't feel so self conscience in the community. But being hurt by someone will make it hard to find a close friend.
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Peamac
Pearl Clutcher
Refupea # 418
Posts: 4,229
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Post by Peamac on Apr 22, 2016 1:41:50 GMT
The first thing that comes to my mind is that you should be friendly to everyone, but don't have to be friends with everyone. There's a difference there- probably in what you choose to share with those closest to you and how you spend your time with others. You can visit with the others at the soccer game (being friendly), but you don't have to spend all your time with them or spill your guts to them (just being friendly).
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Post by ntsf on Apr 22, 2016 1:46:21 GMT
I think being an expat is not exactly like being in a small town..you have more freedom in the small town. I was an expat for a few years and it is a more closed society. I could not say what I wanted as it wasn't just me it was affecting..it would reflect on my dh and his job (he was in sales..so had to work with everyone). i kept a diary to express my real feelings and just kept my mouth shut. I never could open up to anyone there and I knew it. if you have done it for years, you are probably tired of the whole thing..as the new people arrive..they are so enthusiastic and then reality sets in. I would consider starting the conversation about going back to the states. or get very serious about a hobby that has to take up your time so you can't...xyz...
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
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Post by raindancer on Apr 22, 2016 1:47:28 GMT
Sorry that I don't have advice, I chose to leave my small town and never look back at 18. I visit my parents but I have not kept in contact with a single person from high school. I was a popular athlete but I just couldn't stomach the "everybody knows everybody else's business" garbage, among other reasons. A few of them have friended me on Facebook but I don't accept their requests. Melissa I could have written your post, except I was not an athlete. I was a band nerd and valedictorian. I'm not on Facebook because I have no desire for anyone to be in my business. OP, the situation would make me nuts. The middle school behavior is why I left and would never live in a small town ever again. I often joke when I run into someone I know that it's time to move. I dont have any advise, I just know that I have serious trust issues after being raised in that environment. In your situation I would try to avoid gatherings and I would be very superficial in anything I chose to share. |
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Post by lisacharlotte on Apr 22, 2016 1:58:09 GMT
I've been an expat in a very insular expat society. You can only control your behavior and reactions. Everyone else's emotions are none of your business. Be friendly and DO NOT GOSSIP and you'll be fine.
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Post by worldwanderer75 on Apr 22, 2016 2:06:01 GMT
I think being an expat is not exactly like being in a small town..you have more freedom in the small town. I was an expat for a few years and it is a more closed society. I could not say what I wanted as it wasn't just me it was affecting..it would reflect on my dh and his job (he was in sales..so had to work with everyone). i kept a diary to express my real feelings and just kept my mouth shut. I never could open up to anyone there and I knew it. if you have done it for years, you are probably tired of the whole thing..as the new people arrive..they are so enthusiastic and then reality sets in. I would consider starting the conversation about going back to the states. or get very serious about a hobby that has to take up your time so you can't...xyz... YES! You totally get where I'm coming from. Everything we do has long ranging consequences for my husbands job. A diary is sounding pretty good right now. I talk to my sister a lot but it is hard for her to grasp how very closed the expat society is. The closest thing I could think of is a small town (hence the title of this thread). |
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brandy327
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,353
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Post by brandy327 on Apr 22, 2016 2:09:36 GMT
I grew up in a small town (300 people in the village AND the surrounding 5 miles) and moved away as quickly as I could, which happened to be when I was 20. I didn't care so much about everyone being involved with everyone else's business but it was the blatant racism and closed-mindedness that made me leave. As far as the drama goes, as someone else said, don't participate. I tell my BFF all the time that as I've grown older, my bag of "I don't give a F#*(s" has grown in a huge way. I don't care what the general population think...they don't know me and they don't know my story. Once you can get to that point, at least personally speaking, life is easier. I socialize with VERY few people. My BFF and her family and some long time friends. That's it. I'm not a drinker and that's where a lot of the small town socializing is done - any excuse for drinks (in-home parties are a big one, the bar, etc). I don't do any of those. I prefer not to entangle myself with people that have no desire to get to know the REAL me...and because I didn't grow up in this town, I'll always be an outsider. But again, I don't really give a F$&*.  |
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Post by ktdoesntscrap on Apr 22, 2016 2:30:17 GMT
I was in a small expat community for 7 years including while I was going through my divorce. So I get how difficult it can be.
I had some great friends.. who I miss.. but I am glad I dont live there anymore!!
I would have a serious talk with your DH...about what you must do for kids/his job. Then I would find something to keep you REALLY busy.
A project that doesn't involve others in your community then you can always say.," I'm sorry but No I can't.... XYZ." People won't take offense to you missing events.. and you can choose who to spend time with.
If you don't have anything... come up with something... make a scrapbook for your parents anniversary, or write a novel or learn Chinese!!
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Country Ham
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,314
Jun 25, 2014 19:32:08 GMT
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Post by Country Ham on Apr 22, 2016 3:49:15 GMT
That's me. Try being the preacher's wife too, from another country. My kids fit in great socially but yeah. A huge number of the teachers at the K8 are members of our church, our kids are all on the same sports teams and in the same clubs. A birthday party can involve all the kids from church but maybe one or 2 families and it's obvious. Also so many are related it's hard to keep up. One thing now that I have a teenager is I am not as frequently half introduced as "our preacher's wife". It took a long time to get there though and have my own identity.
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