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Post by justkat on Apr 30, 2016 4:47:16 GMT
Just my opinion... I get it is a big deal to you. However you are an adult. Is it common place to have parties after high school? In my area it is not. So I would miss a college grad party for one of my kids events, even if he is five. The question is who is the party for? You or her? If it is for you, then enjoy the time with those that are there. Also, have you discussed the importance of her attendance? Maybe to her it isn't a big deal. A thanks for coming to see me, but you didn't have to. So she doesn't feel the importance to you. Maybe discuss, and dad, or someone else can take the boy to the game and party while she attends your party. I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. The thing is, just because something is important to you doesn't make it important to someone else. She may not realize how important this achievement is to you. Where I come from (in my family) earning an advanced degree is just what you do. You're proud of your achievement, the family is proud of you but it's not something for which life stops and galas ensue. I have my MD/PhD. I had a great romantic weekend with my husband to celebrate. My parents phoned with congratulations and sent a small gift. I received texts from my siblings. That was all. I was proud of what I had done, my family was proud and that was all. All of my siblings have degrees, 2 of them have advanced degrees. They received cards and texts, a couple small gifts. There were no huge parties. We're all proud of ourselves and each other. We're all different. Talk to her. She may not realize how important this is to you. She may feel that spending time with her child is equally, or more, important than attending a party. She may not understand that she hurt your feelings. She may also think your party is more of an adults thing and not want to bring her 5 year old child. I know I wouldn't think of a graduation party as a place for young kids; I picture adults, adult humour/conversations,drinking etc. Maybe if you speak with her she could change her plans, find a babysitter for her child. Maybe they could attend the game and then your party skipping the pizza? Whether she attends or not try to enjoy yourself. Be proud of what you've accomplished, have fun at your party and celebrate yourself. Her not being there doesn't diminish what you've done. Congratulations!
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Post by mlynn on Apr 30, 2016 11:35:11 GMT
On second thought, I might send my son to t-ball and pizza with a teammate and go to your party only.
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mallie
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,253
Jul 3, 2014 18:13:13 GMT
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Post by mallie on Apr 30, 2016 11:43:02 GMT
50 years ago, my grandfather told me, "half of life is showing up. Especially when you don't want to." Sometimes, we need to show up because it is critically important to someone else. Even if we don't want to.
But we've become a society that only values our own desires and doesn't give a crap about others.
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purplebee
Drama Llama
Posts: 6,790
Jun 27, 2014 20:37:34 GMT
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Post by purplebee on Apr 30, 2016 11:49:50 GMT
Awww, how thoughtless of your SIL to not make an effort. She could send the kid with someone else and at least try to make your party. But congratulations! Enjoy your celebration with those who are happy for you, and let the others go. Not worth putting a damper on your joy because of selfish, self-centered people.
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Post by anxiousmom on Apr 30, 2016 12:05:32 GMT
50 years ago, my grandfather told me, "half of life is showing up. Especially when you don't want to." Sometimes, we need to show up because it is critically important to someone else. Even if we don't want to. But we've become a society that only values our own desires and doesn't give a crap about others. I agree. Sometimes it isn't about you, it is about participating because it is important to the person you care about. I have kids who were in sports for years. I can safely say that if this were the situation we were in, the party would be the priority. To me, family ALWAYS comes first. Everything else comes after that.
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peabrain
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 2,588
Jun 25, 2014 22:18:04 GMT
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Post by peabrain on Apr 30, 2016 12:12:35 GMT
You've worked really hard on this! You're an awesome woman and what a great achievement! Congratulations and enjoy the day and every benefits that education brings!
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Post by Suziee2 on Apr 30, 2016 12:38:13 GMT
I can understand. We had something similar when DD graduated. FAMILY didn't come because it was "just college"!!! Yep, it was only Pharmacy College. What's the big deal?
I guess I can say that other family got hacked that we didn't make a big deal when their daughter graduated from medical billing school. Their whole family attended DD's party. (Which was in a private room at a restaurant and EIGHT of their family showed up - which more than paid for the Zebco fishing pole!!!! you gave DD.) In my defense, I don't have FB, they never said she was graduating, we were never invited to graduation, they never threw a party or had a dinner or get-together, no email from them, no phone call from them, etc. How could I know?
Sorry for my little vent.
Congratulations to you! Have a great time and please don't let anyone rain on your day!
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 6:23:13 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 12:43:43 GMT
50 years ago, my grandfather told me, "half of life is showing up. Especially when you don't want to." Sometimes, we need to show up because it is critically important to someone else. Even if we don't want to. But we've become a society that only values our own desires and doesn't give a crap about others. This is something I'm trying to teach my boys. Sometimes you have to participate in something because it'll make someone else's day, week, or month. My BIL is graduating today from UofM. He graduated early from high school and skipped the ceremony, which disappointed his mom and grandparents big time. He was talking about skipping this one too. I think Grandma managed to guilt him into it finally because he's participating while I know he probably doesn't really want to. In your case, I would make your celebration a priority, especially if my kid was 5. I'm in a stage where my kids are having their own one-time-only milestones so I'll make those a priority but a rec game and pizza party for a bunch of kindergarteners? No contest - sister's celebration comes first, especially for a Master's that was many years in the making.
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Post by maryland on Apr 30, 2016 13:52:56 GMT
I agree with you! At least you can feel that if this is how they deal with family celebrations, then if you have something going on the day of one of their events, then you don't have to feel guilty if you can't make it.
Congratulations on your graduation!
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Post by knit.pea on Apr 30, 2016 15:15:10 GMT
If this is your DB's family, (IMO) DB should come and SIL should take their kids to their activities. The person related to you should make every attempt to be there.
I know it is a family celebration, and the following will not make sense with the child being so young; but to sport kids, their teams are "family" for months on end, year after year. At 5 yo, no; but in their later years, yes. The parents become close, too. Just a perspective about people with them all the time vs. family members they don't know well and don't see often. (Not said to argue; please don't feel I am saying a family connection isn't important.)
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Post by myboysnme on Apr 30, 2016 15:19:31 GMT
No one cares about graduations except the person graduating and their parents. For everyone else it's torture. A five year old at a graduation party - that could go either way because I am not a person who likes little kids at adult functions but you said family party so of course the 5 year old would be there.
Is it an option for her to come after the pizza party? Or before?
Whatever the situation, sometimes family sucks in meeting our hopes and expectations. Congratulations though!!!!
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Post by sues on Apr 30, 2016 15:38:09 GMT
I get it is a big deal to you. However you are an adult. Is it common place to have parties after high school? In my area it is not. So I would miss a college grad party for one of my kids events, even if he is five. The question is who is the party for? You or her?
I think this is such an unfair response- though I understand the heart of it. This kind of thing is part of the reason people find it so easy to blow off other people. If I wouldn't do it- I don't have to make an effort. If I think this is dumb- I don't have to make an effort. If there's nothing in it for me- I don't have to make an effort. If it inconveniences me in any way- I don't have to make the effort.
Being part of a family means you support each other and celebrate each other. Sometimes that is inconvenient. Sometimes you have to dress up, be present and invest in another person's happiness for a little while. Don't want to be bothered? Then you can skip all of those wedding, shower, birthday party, graduation party, etc. invitations you were going to send to everyone else. Don't expect people to care bout your kid's tee ball success, fundraiser for their club, support for their mission trip, or applause for their accomplishments. After all- you wouldn't want to bother the very people you can't be bothered with.
I'm not talking about situations where attendance would cause a financial strain, unpaid time off work or time off from school... I'm talking about situations like Heidi's. (Which I agree- sucks. I'm sorry this is happening you.) People that can be there for a celebration, but just can't be bothered. No one is asking them to sit through the ceremony. They were invited to a party to celebrate the significant accomplishment of a family member. Not only that- a family member travelling to the area who won't be around that much in the future. Sometimes, your actions communicate "Not interested." And when it comes from family and good friends, it hurts.
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paget
Drama Llama
Posts: 7,027
Jun 25, 2014 21:16:39 GMT
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Post by paget on Apr 30, 2016 15:49:58 GMT
Congratulations on your masters. I'm graduating this may with mine as well! We worked hard. That said, I understand you are hurt and disappointed but you can't make people assign the same importance and priority to Life events that you do. Personally, I would probably chose my child's game and pizza party over a relative's graduation as well. Maybe you don't know the whole story - or maybe you do and that's just what they chose. I'm Sorry you're hurt but I don't think you get to decide what "should be" a priority for others.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Apr 30, 2016 18:55:19 GMT
I'm confused. You are upset because your SIL isn't coming to your graduation party, not the ceremony itself, right? Are you actually walking or just having a celebration? Could they go to one but not the other? Or did she say they'd come but then backed out because of the game?
There are so many things here that would play into my reaction if it were me. For instance, how close are you really and why do you want them there? Your posts don't give the impression of closeness to me so she may think nothing of any of this. And if you aren't close, why does it matter if they show? Analyze the reality of the relationship and what you expect from it. It's entirely possible you both want totally different things, have other priorities, etc.. Maybe she values education differently than you do, maybe it's such a given in her family it isn't celebrated but expected.
But clearly she either hasn't thought of how this comes across or just doesn't care. Finding out which one would go a long way into deciding how I handled it if it were my SIL.
I'm curious though at your postings on the other graduation thread. In this one you are upset because someone who had nothing to do with your education isn't celebrating it with you in any way. And on the other you were bothered by the OP actually wanting to celebrate (which many people consider walking to be part of the celebration) the completion of an education she paid for. Is it that the graduate's desires take precedence? Is it the expectations of the situation? I'm just seeing a disconnect. It kinda seems like family is damned if they do or damned if they don't. Or maybe I've somehow read them all wrong.
You've accomplished a great thing here. But in the end it's yours alone. Some people just won't care. That doesn't diminish it. And unless there's a pattern, don't let this diminish your relationship such as it is.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 30, 2016 18:57:45 GMT
Thamks everyone. I don't disagree with the reasons shared for her not caring or bothering. I get it and I had no expectations that anyone would come to the graduation. I just figured a thing after would be something people would show up for.
I think really for me it's the final straw in a series of events that really strike you as an adult. To realize that family doesn't take priority for everyone when you are the part of the family being slightes, sucks.
I will not bring this up to her and plan to thoroughly enjoy my friends and family that come.
And thank you for all the congratulations!
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 30, 2016 18:58:50 GMT
No one cares about graduations except the person graduating and their parents. For everyone else it's torture. A five year old at a graduation party - that could go either way because I am not a person who likes little kids at adult functions but you said family party so of course the 5 year old would be there. Is it an option for her to come after the pizza party? Or before? Whatever the situation, sometimes family sucks in meeting our hopes and expectations. Congratulations though!!!! Well to be clear the party is at a park with kids friendly foods and a playground. But I get your point. Oh and also no its from 1-3 and it's not an adult only event, all my sisters kids are the same age range...and she works for my sister at their business so the kids all know each other and spend time together all the time.
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Post by lurkingsince2001 on Apr 30, 2016 19:02:56 GMT
No one cares about graduations except the person graduating and their parents. For everyone else it's torture. A five year old at a graduation party - that could go either way because I am not a person who likes little kids at adult functions but you said family party so of course the 5 year old would be there. Is it an option for her to come after the pizza party? Or before? Whatever the situation, sometimes family sucks in meeting our hopes and expectations. Congratulations though!!!! Well to be clear the party is at a park with kids friendly foods and a playground. But I get your point. Now see, this shows you have gone out of your way to make it a family thing for all ages. Does she know this? Because if she did, it makes me wonder what's really going on. Enjoy your day. Maybe it'll be so much fun you won't even notice who didn't make it.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 30, 2016 19:06:05 GMT
Well to be clear the party is at a park with kids friendly foods and a playground. But I get your point. Now see, this shows you have gone out of your way to make it a family thing for all ages. Does she know this? Because if she did, it makes me wonder what's really going on. Enjoy your day. Maybe it'll be so much fun you won't even notice who didn't make it. Yeah. It's a known thing. It was all in the invite. I will be sure to have a good time and frankly I am very happy anyone will show up and hang out, eat, and relax. It's going to be a good time regardless!
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Post by Dori~Mama~Bear on Apr 30, 2016 19:08:08 GMT
Stop and think about the 5 year old and the importance of this game and party is to her. I know that this is a big important day for you and I am sorry you got your feelings hurt. but you can understand. a 5 year olds world is not that simple. I bet she has been looking forward to this game and party afterwards for a long time in her world.
Why can't they come to your party after the game and pizza party.
I know a graduation is important. but you are an adult. maybe your sister in law can go to the game and pizza party and your brother can go to your graduation. maybe they can split it so one parent goes to the game and then they switch and the other goes so both of them can spend some time with you on your day.
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Post by kamper on Apr 30, 2016 19:17:07 GMT
That sucks. Some of my best memories are the times I spent with my cousins at family gatherings.
Congratulations on your degree.
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Post by lisae on Apr 30, 2016 21:41:31 GMT
Congratulations and I'm on your side.
We had a long time friend who turned down our wedding invitation so he could go to one of his kid's ballgames. I felt like he could have missed one game to go to a good friend's wedding and reception. Oh well, everyone else genuinely seemed to enjoy our event.
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raindancer
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,095
Jun 26, 2014 20:10:29 GMT
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Post by raindancer on Apr 30, 2016 22:23:13 GMT
Stop and think about the 5 year old and the importance of this game and party is to her. I know that this is a big important day for you and I am sorry you got your feelings hurt. but you can understand. a 5 year olds world is not that simple. I bet she has been looking forward to this game and party afterwards for a long time in her world. Why can't they come to your party after the game and pizza party. I know a graduation is important. but you are an adult. maybe your sister in law can go to the game and pizza party and your brother can go to your graduation. maybe they can split it so one parent goes to the game and then they switch and the other goes so both of them can spend some time with you on your day. The parties are at the same time. And I said before I see their side. I Dom I have 2 kids who are very active and have played tball. I get it. I also know that in all the years if my kids had missed a tball game for the record league it might have mattered for about 5 minutes. They do so many things like that throughout childhood that they all blur together in the end. Again. It's not going to be something I bring up to them, nor will I be dwelling on it. But I can't help but wonder, knowing my own kids at least, that if she didn't have it explained to her and given a choice if she would want to go to our party with her cousins. Mine would have. And if not it would have only taken a reminder of how long until we see them again. I have to wonder if we were to come into town and just have time for the kids friends how people would view that. Teens entire world's revolve around friends. I told my kids we will do our best to fit in friends this trip but family is first. So while I get your point, I'm not sure I can agree with it.
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Rainbow
Pearl Clutcher
Where salt is in the air and sand is at my feet...
Posts: 4,103
Jun 26, 2014 5:57:41 GMT
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Post by Rainbow on Apr 30, 2016 22:49:16 GMT
I'm betting this ballgame/party is a very big deal to the five year old. Your graduation? Not a big deal to the five year old. Since you don't live there the child probably doesn't know you that well since you aren't a part of their daily life. I'd want my relatives to come but if they had other plans I wouldn't be upset over it. Enjoy the day and those who are going to be there. Your graduation would probably be boring to a five year old anyway.
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Post by 950nancy on Apr 30, 2016 23:09:12 GMT
Just my opinion... I get it is a big deal to you. However you are an adult. Is it common place to have parties after high school? In my area it is not. So I would miss a college grad party for one of my kids events, even if he is five. The question is who is the party for? You or her? If it is for you, then enjoy the time with those that are there. Also, have you discussed the importance of her attendance? Maybe to her it isn't a big deal. A thanks for coming to see me, but you didn't have to. So she doesn't feel the importance to you. Maybe discuss, and dad, or someone else can take the boy to the game and party while she attends your party. To me, a Masters degree is a big deal. I don't get the hoopla of high school graduation. Everyone graduates from high school, at least in my area and there are no big home parties. Must be a USA thing. University graduation is the big one. Sadly, not everyone graduates in the US. Lots of people don't. I think high school parties are a USA thing. Perhaps it has to do with the first major accomplishment a kid makes that took 13 years to complete. I know of a few parents that just didn't think the kid would make it through. My parents didn't make a big deal out of mine. They went to my college graduation and I walked because they wanted me to. My master's degree was just more schooling. It was not a big deal to me at all. I didn't have a party or probably even tell anyone but a few people I worked with (because it gave me a pay raise) and really close family. Most of the people I worked with had their masters and parties were never a thing. I think that each person just feels differently about graduations. I personally would avoid the ceremony at all costs, but I would go to someone's party.
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Post by pepperwood on Apr 30, 2016 23:20:46 GMT
I am sorry your sister hurt you.
My SIL is getting her Masters and I turned down a business trip so that I will be able to attend. It is a big achievement and I would not dream of hurting her feelings by declining the invitation.
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Deleted
Posts: 0
Sept 29, 2024 6:23:14 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Apr 30, 2016 23:38:35 GMT
I'm sorry you're being let down by family members. It's simply the world we live in now. A person's personal desires trumps all. I was in the minority when I said a grandmothers funeral should trump prom. Family is just not a priority. It's sad to me.
Congrats on your big accomplishment. Enjoy your party, you've earned it.
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Post by bigbundt on Apr 30, 2016 23:56:19 GMT
Stop and think about the 5 year old and the importance of this game and party is to her. I know that this is a big important day for you and I am sorry you got your feelings hurt. but you can understand. a 5 year olds world is not that simple. I bet she has been looking forward to this game and party afterwards for a long time in her world. Why can't they come to your party after the game and pizza party. I know a graduation is important. but you are an adult. maybe your sister in law can go to the game and pizza party and your brother can go to your graduation. maybe they can split it so one parent goes to the game and then they switch and the other goes so both of them can spend some time with you on your day. The parties are at the same time. And I said before I see their side. I Dom I have 2 kids who are very active and have played tball. I get it. I also know that in all the years if my kids had missed a tball game for the record league it might have mattered for about 5 minutes. They do so many things like that throughout childhood that they all blur together in the end. Is this his first season playing T-ball? Sure there may be many, many more games and parties but only one first. Are they doing awards at the party? I can't say I wouldn't make the same decision your SIL has. I would of course probably arrange a celebratory meal or something at some point during the visit because I would be proud of my SIL and want to celebrate her achievement but not at the expense of my own kid's. Even if t-ball is much less in the grand scheme of things, it is probably a bigger deal to my kid and in the end that is where my priorities lie. Very curious that you seem to be upset with her not going and not your brother. Is he going to your party? I'm sorry that the situation has made you sad. Congratulations on your achievement!
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my3freaks
Pearl Clutcher
Posts: 3,206
Location: NH girl living in Colorado
Jun 26, 2014 4:10:56 GMT
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Post by my3freaks on May 1, 2016 0:03:43 GMT
I live about 2,000 miles away from my family, so if I had the opportunity, I would definitely attend the party. I will take any chance to see my relatives. My feelings would be hurt in your situation too.
A couple people have asked, and if you answered, I somehow missed it. I'm assuming this is your brother's wife? Is your brother going to be at your party?
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Post by canadianscrappergirl on May 1, 2016 0:04:23 GMT
You do have a right to be hurt for sure! However for her the t-ball game and pizza party is important. Be happy with the people who genuinely want to be there! Honestly though if it were me I would have picked my kids t-ball too.
Congrats on you accomplishments!
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Post by SunnySmile on May 1, 2016 0:47:24 GMT
That stinks. There will be many more t-ball games but not graduations. I would be ticked too. Sorry, your sil is inconsiderate. You know, they blew off my bachelor's entirely. But this is my Master's and we live out of state and are traveling back for just 2 days. You are right. Dammit. It IS once in a lifetime and a chance to see cousins, and spend time with us. It really makes me not very interested in working around schedules for the upcoming holidays. And I can guarantee they will never visit us, we will only ever see them if we travel there. I'd be pissed off too. I have stopped traveling at the holidays to accommodate my family. They all live in the same town, and we have to spend the holiday driving hours and hours to see them. I might feel differently if they visited to see me, but they just use me for a free hotel when they are passing through on their way somewhere else. Congratulations on getting your degree!! When I graduated with my bachelor's I had finished the last few classes independent study because we had moved, and I was 9 months pregnant. Doc said no traveling, so I missed out on my own! haha
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